Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 22:56:53
In reply to Re: The Experiment Continues » starlight, posted by Dinah on July 30, 2004, at 22:05:50
For the effort expended by my therapist to build a genuine therapeutic relationship.
As I've said before, I considered it a major advance when he stopped using euphemisms for angry or mad and started admitting it, while simultaneously reassuring me of his commitment to work through the anger.
Another time was when I had decided to trust him. The relationship had changed from my point of view, but I could tell that he hadn't yet absorbed the change.
During the five years I tested our relationship, I had been a brat at times. I quit therapy a half dozen times. I said very rude things to him. I told him that he didn't mean anything at all to me, that I wouldn't miss him when I left him. That he could leave and just rent me his office by the hour, because it was his office that made me feel safe, not him.
When I decided to trust him, and my attitude toward him took a radical shift, I was frustrated at what I suddenly realized was a very guarded and distrustful attitude on his part. Not rude. Polite. And perfectly justified by my behavior. But he'd make remarks about my quitting, or my not needing him, that no longer made sense to me in view of my changed attitude.
One day I asked him, when the iron was cold and it wasn't an issue, if he thought he could ever quit seeing the me he saw for five years, and start seeing the person who was sitting across from him today. The person who wouldn't say or do the things he was constantly anticipating.
It was an odd moment. He rather visibly had a moment of self awareness. He admitted that some of my statements in the past had been hurtful to him. He admitted that while I had been telling him that the relationship had changed on my part, he hadn't really processed it. He promised to try to start trusting me, and over the next few months he implemented his promise.
He might not even remember this. But to me it was a huge moment in understanding that relationships can change if both people are open and willing to work at it.
And again, that's something that happens in a real relationship, and there's nothing superficial about it.
poster:Dinah
thread:371026
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/372540.html