Posted by lonelygirl on June 30, 2004, at 13:03:17
In reply to Reading your Therapist's signals, posted by DaisyM on June 29, 2004, at 18:57:37
That reminds me very much of my sister. She is ALWAYS trying to figure out what people want and go in that direction. Some people really do want that -- I'm sure she learned it because my dad always expects people to read his mind -- but the problem is that sometimes I just want to know what SHE thinks, and she'll never just tell me -- even for things with no importance! For example, I'll ask her what movie she wants to watch, and she'll say, "Well... what do YOU want to watch?" I'll ask her what she wants for lunch, and she'll say, "Well... what do YOU want to make?"
It's very difficult to drag it out of her; I usually have to "suggest" a few things, hoping that one of the things I say will be what she *really* wants and then she'll feel comfortable saying so. But geez, it would be a whole lot easier if she would just come right out and say it when I ask. Then there are times when she tries to read people's minds and guesses wrong, and nobody wins. For example, I take her places or do things with her, thinking I'm doing something nice for her because she SAYS she wants to do it, but later I find out that she only said she wanted to because she thought *I* wanted to, and she actually hated "having" to spend time with me.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that perhaps there are times when you read into things that aren't there, because you want/need to read something. You may be right about your friend; it sounds like you made a legitimate conclusion from the conversation patterns. You are probably right a lot of the time. You may have people in your life who are like my dad and constantly expect you to read their minds. But SOMETIMES -- and I would imagine this is the case in therapy -- people aren't trying to go in any direction at all. They just want to know what you really think! Sometimes you have to be the one to set the "direction," but if you're used to going about your life trying to figure out what people want, and that's how you make all of your decisions, it's hard to express your unbiased feelings, even to say, for example, what you want for lunch. It’s probably weird, and maybe unsettling, for you to be in a situation where other people are completely neutral.
I also think it sort of works the other way around. If you always deal with people by trying to figure out what they want and acting on that, and you're reluctant to give your real thoughts, people may feel compelled to throw something out there, even if it's not necessarily what they want, just because they sense that you want them to decide. And then you, in turn, may perceive that as the direction they want to go, when it actually doesn’t matter to them.
> When we talked about this example, my therapist said, "So you perceive what she wants and then you scramble to go in that direction." Exactly! I've done that my whole life. You don't disappoint people if you can figure out what they want and give it to them.
poster:lonelygirl
thread:361747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040624/msgs/362019.html