Posted by DaisyM on June 29, 2004, at 18:57:37
I told my therapist today that I was very good at reading people and very, very good at picking up signals about how they needed or wanted me to be. For example, I had a conversation with a friend who is more intimately involved with my therapy progress than anyone else. She asked how things are and I told her and she reframed everything I said, with "well, you've accepted things. Life is hard. Now it's about taking action and moving on." I don't disagree with her, but it moves the conversation, for me, into only talking about the positives and minimizing the other stuff. My take on it is she wants me to acknowledge the positives and not dwell on the negatives. OK, I can do that.
When we talked about this example, my therapist said, "So you perceive what she wants and then you scramble to go in that direction." Exactly! I've done that my whole life. You don't disappoint people if you can figure out what they want and give it to them.
He then wanted to know if I picked up signals from him too, if I was worried about disappointing him. I said yes, sometimes I'll zig, and then realize he wanted me to zag, but that usually I try to tell him what I'm perceiving, to see if it is correct. The hardest parts are when I think he is thrilled about several "good" sessions in a row and then I go downhill. It is then really hard to come in and be honest and admit to being back in a needy place. Or, I know he doesn't want me to blame myself for what happened when I was a kid so I frame things by stating that: "I know intellectually it wasn't may fault, but..." I told him I was sure he was frustrated by the amount of times we've had the "it's OK to need therapy" conversation. And that I thought he saw progress as me handling more of these emotional roller-coaster rides on my own, with less contact, either sessions or on the phone.
He was quiet for a little while and then said, "I thought about you this weekend. I thought about the fact that I haven't heard from you much, but instead of being relieved, I just wondered what that really meant. If you were really doing OK or if you were holding yourself back again. And then we get in here yesterday (Monday) and you've had a terribly hard weekend and you are a mess. And you admit to wanting to call me. And we've agreed you do so much better when we have a lot of contact. So I have to wonder why it still isn't safe enough for you to call me? Because I'd much rather help keep you together than see you in pieces."
He talked about understanding my fears, and he knew that being so attached to him was scary and he promised (for the millionth time) that I couldn't need him too much and that he wasn't going anywhere. He said what progress would look like to him is for me to come in and just be myself. To be completely and totally open about what I am thinking and feeling and needing. No editing and censuring. He said he really wanted me to tell him if I was reading signals from him about expectations or frustration. Because the only expectation he had was that I would lean on him as much as I needed or wanted to and the only frustration he had was me protecting him from me. (He then took a heavy hand and said he was setting up contact again for a while because it seemed like it was easier on me than having me "just" reach out to him in-between sessions. Can I be secretly relieved about this? Like having me come back today. I was such a mess yesterday, I wanted to just spend the night! )
So the question is, how can you help reading into statements made by your therapist? Or picking up certain signals? Don't you think they develop certain expectations for you? As in wanting (or hoping) for progress? And how can they not get frustrated? I think we do want to avoid disappointing them, even if we know we should concentrate on what we need, not on what they want.
poster:DaisyM
thread:361747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040624/msgs/361747.html