Posted by crushedout on April 12, 2004, at 17:48:44
In reply to Re: Today's session (a little long and wordy) » crushedout, posted by fallsfall on April 12, 2004, at 16:54:39
Fallsfall, thanks for your post. Your thoughts on Dr. X and the issue of what I should talk about in therapy were very helpful to me. I’m really mad at Dr. X for telling Ellen, and I would like to know exactly what Dr. X said and how Ellen responded, whether Ellen thought it was kosher for Dr. X to do that, and what about it made Ellen angry, but I’m not sure this is worth addressing in therapy tomorrow. Maybe it is. It seems like it might end up making me focus too much on Ellen’s feelings and thoughts instead of my own, which is something I probably do too much as it is.
I can’t really seem to piece together what else happened in session today, even for myself, but let me try. I’m sure I’ll get this mixed up and out of order.
Ellen started out saying that we each had a dilemma. That I could either decide to learn from my strong feelings for her how I respond in relationships in which I love and need someone a lot (so that I could use that later on), or I could decide that those feelings are too overwhelming for me to deal with and that I needed to set them aside for now (and could come back to her later when I felt ready to deal with them). (I'm not sure how this is *her* dilemma, but it certainly is mine. Except that I also have the option of addressing those feelings, to the extent that I can, with someone else. I guess tomorrow I should ask her what she thinks of *that* option. I haven't been clear with her on the fact that I'm still planning to continue therapy with someone, although she might have gathered that from Dr. X.)
She said that she felt like I spend my sessions talking about stuff that was going on in my life, and then at the very end of the session, I’d, for example, ask her something about herself, she’d answer me, and then her answer would make me feel so upset that I’d go home and SI. She said, “I can’t work with that.” That she needed me to talk through the feelings I was having about her instead spending the session talking about other stuff and then going home and feeling devastated about her and dealing with it in self-destructive ways. This kind of makes sense to me although I think you’re right that it’s not quite right for her to dictate it in this way (rather than suggesting it as something that would be better for *me*).
I told her that I didn’t think it had to be all or nothing, that I could talk about other stuff going on in my life and also try to talk more about my feelings about her, and that that was part of why I kept asking her for a third session lately, because I felt I needed more time in order to do that. She said she disagreed because I often spend 40 minutes out of a 45-minute session dissociating and wasting time, which I pointed out didn’t make any sense. First, I don’t dissociate on purpose (her response: “I’m sure it doesn’t *feel* like you’re doing it on purpose.” -- argh). And second, part of why I thought I was dissociating was the panic I felt at not having enough time and also the fact that I wasn’t getting my needs met.
Then she started talking about the needs I had that she couldn’t meet, and I stopped her, saying while it’s true that there were certain needs I had that she *couldn’t* meet, I was actually talking about needs I had that I thought she *could* meet but that she wasn’t meeting. She said like what. I said, “Like, for example, having clear and consistent boundaries.” So, we spent the rest of the session talking about how she could try to better meet that need, which she agreed she could and should meet, and that that would be helpful to me.
First, we talked about the extra session issue, how I felt like she lorded that over my head and used it to manipulate me. She said it was true that she used it to manipulate me, and asked me why that bothered me. I was kind of dumbfounded. I couldn’t think of a reason why it should bother me, rationally. She said she used it to try to manipulate me to not SI and to express my feelings, as a sort of reward (?) when I expressed myself in a productive way. Help? I know this seems wrong but I’m not sure why.
She also explained that one of the reasons she was hesitant to schedule me for a regular third session was because she had a small practice and if she gave me that time, she would not have it available if a new patient called, and if I were to leave her, she would not only have to deal with the emotional loss, but also a relatively large hole in her practice. So she basically would like to spread out her time among more patients so she’s not as dependent financially on each one, I guess. My friend thought this was an inappropriate thing for her to tell me, but I *think* it’s ok, although it made me feel bad frankly.
We also talked about boundaries with regard to phone calls and emails. I said I felt it would be helpful if I knew when and under what circumstances it was okay to call or email her. She said when I contacted her with something big and amorphous (for example, if I emailed her about a dream I’d had), it was too overwhelming for her to deal with outside of a session. She was flooded with reactions, questions, and her own emotional responses but had no space to express them in. But that if, for example, I called her saying, “I feel like SI’ing, I’ve tried to write, do other things, etc., but still can’t get rid of the urge, do you have any suggestions?” she was more capable of responding and not getting overwhelmed because it’s a discrete issue she feels competent to address quickly. (I’m not sure how good an example this was to give me since it might unwittingly encourage me to have urges so that I can call her, when not so coincidentally, my urges often stem from wanting contact with her -- but she said she was thinking out loud, so I assume she just didn’t think this through.)
That’s kind of what we talked about in a nutshell, although I’m sure there’s a lot of it I’m leaving out. I felt sad at the end of the session. And confused. She looked really beautiful today and that frustrated me. And I'm just not sure whether I want to terminate or not.
Last Friday, btw, I made an appointment for a week from today with yet another therapist -- this one, as far as I know, doesn’t know Ellen, and she comes highly recommended from a friend. I talked to her on the phone and I really liked her immediately. She seemed smart and very kind and understood what the issue was right away. I didn’t tell Ellen about her today, but I have another session tomorrow. Do you think it’s important I tell Ellen about her then?
Hopefully this other T will be able to help me sort out whether I should terminate or not and things will become clearer. She understands that that's where I am right now, and sounds like she really wants to help me.
poster:crushedout
thread:334773
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/335669.html