Posted by noa on January 31, 2004, at 15:11:10
In reply to Asking for what you need, posted by fallsfall on January 30, 2004, at 8:00:53
I've been there. I think what was important was exploring that conclusion--that my need is "bad". That is how I've felt about a lot of my needs. And the initial reaction I had sometimes was that not getting it met meant they were validating my conclusion that it was a bad need. But it doesn't mean that. I think the therapist and you can explore it more and try to figure out why you came to believe it was a bad need, and also try to figure out other ways to meet the need. But a key component in doing this successfully is feeling that the therapist is communicating to you that even though the therapist can't directly meet the need, it doesn't mean the need is wrong or bad.
For me, in my family, this was the equation---if they couldn't meet the need, well then how dare I have needed it! It was my fault not theirs. I would withdraw in shame. But this was my family's crazy-making dynamic--inability to take ownership of anything. Even if it would have been appropriate to not meet a need of mine as a child, there could have been a healthy way to deal with it--ie, to convey to me that they understand the need but for whatever reality reason weren't able to meet it but loved me and beleived in me nevertheless and there was nothing shameful in wanting or needing what I needed. Instead, I usually got a response, or non-response that conveyed to me that I was needy, greedy, selfish, shameful or bad for wanting or needing something that they couldn't provide. And this covers everything from the subtlest search for loving eye contact to the most overt, concrete requests I made as a child, and everything in between. For me, it was totally unpredictable. Sometimes they were able to be there for me, and sometimes, not. So I fell into the trap a lot. I think if they had been consistently mean and witholding, I would have developed a tougher skin.
So I brought all of this baggage with me to therapy, too, and did have many moments of feeling that hurt that you describe. Hopefully, your therapist can gently talk you through the experience, helping to separate the fact that she cannot directly meet the need, or that it wouldn't be therapeutic or appropriate to do so, from the mistaken notion that it is a "bad" need.
Caviat---my current therapist seems to be gifted at analyzing and owning his own process and any subtle ways--verbal or nonverbal--that he might have communicated something to me that contributed to my feeling hurt, rebuffed, etc. I don't think some therapists can do this well. My previous therapist, in another city, did it fairly well, but not as well as my current therapist. Actually, that first therapist seemed to develop the skill over time--when I first started seeing him he was an intern and he would do the kind of kneejerk boundary drawing he was taught to do, but over time, he seemed to develop better finesse at this, so it felt less hurtful and more real.
And in the case of it not being helpful to meet a certain need, I think there is some danger that some therapists could say that when it is only part of the real reason for not meeting the need, the other parts being things like it isn't really feasible to meet the need for some reason,etc. Also, I think it's really important that the therapist convey a sense of accepting you and your needs and exploring the very real hurt feelings that come when a therapist says they can't meet a need (especially when the reason given is that it wouldn't be helpful), an acknowledgement of the hurt as a real thing in the room and not just in the past, and that the therapist cares deeply that you were hurt.
poster:noa
thread:307199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/307784.html