Posted by antigua on January 30, 2004, at 23:25:42
In reply to This is my biggest fear! » antigua, posted by DaisyM on January 30, 2004, at 18:08:48
Daisy, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Me and my big mouth (oops, telling things again, I have such a hard time striking the right balance, but I bet you understand).
But yes, I was devastated. I had agreed to trust this guy (you won't find me in the I Love My Male Therapist club)-- I actually said those words out loud, "I am going to trust you" (and I don't trust ANYONE except my regular T and to a certain extent my husband, and not even him fully). He told me I would never be well unless I trusted him. So I took a deep breath and took that big leap... and I was wrong. He wasn't worth my trust. I hate him still. But the hard part for me is separating out which part belongs w/him, the evil therapist, and which part belongs to my transference onto him of my father. I mean, he became my "bad father" right in front of my eyes. But, he is a real person and really did treat me this way, very unethically in my book. I'm not projecting that part onto him. So I'm still messed up about it. I told him he had done some terrible damage and his great response was, "I'm sorry, but good-bye." I hate him, but I have these feelings too. I'm still humiliated and embarrassed that I opened myself up to him and he rejected me.
I'm not making a lot of sense. But, you see, I have always had my regular T whom I have been seeing for 13 years (I am not a therapy junkie, it just really has taken me this long). I often say that my strength is also my greatest weakness; I built some really strong defenses to cope w/this and I had a lot to break through to even know about this, much less to begin dealing with it.
My regular T is the greatest woman in the word, I nominate her for "Best T". I was very fortunate to have her to turn to. Stupidly, I thought all therapists were like her.
Daisy, this will NOT happen to you. You seem to have a good relationship w/yours and he does care about you. There's no denying that it's always a risk, but I have to take that risk if I want to get past this. I've worked way too hard to let that evil therapist destroy me. But he almost did, literally. (I'm feeling good about this name, "evil therapist").
I did learn something important, though, but it's not pleasant. I now realize how hard it is for other people to hear about this type of abuse. To me it doesn't seem like such a big deal because it happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I know this means I'm not really in touch w/it, or that I minimalize it, but if I can tolerate it why do other people have so much trouble w/it? I feel like I have a big red letter on my forehead (what letter should it be?) and that people look or think of me differently because of it. Not that many people in my real life know about it--my husband and two really close friends, but they even have trouble w/it. My husband is a good man, but he is embarrassed by it, he admitted it to me. I think he thinks it's a reflection on him in some way. So while I think I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go.
best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:307199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/307586.html