Posted by Hunk20 on May 8, 2010, at 22:54:57
Hey guys,
i was a silent reader for 2 month.. now becoming active with this thread and trying to help and get help.I was reading pretty much everything i could. I liked what i read, especially the pro social aspect and the efficiancy/longlasting effects it is said to have.
If its allowed i can post a collection of nardil related links...?
Anyways the first Pdoc i went to, a really good guy was willing to prescribe me what i wanted, nardil.I started out low on 15mg for 5 days, went to 30 for 5 days, then to 45mg for like 7 days.. Then i did something without permission of my Pdoc: 60mg. I know stupid. I was desperate.
3 Days on 60mg, while and after watching the movie "PROZAC NATION" kabooom i felt VERY different, had crying spills, all the childhood stuff, all the mistakes i did, mistakes my parents did, my problems rushed through my head. No more denial. Pure Raw Truth in my head.
Truth also about how i tried to keep me numb with drugs, a horrible relationship, bodybuilding, porn and stripclubs. It was the most intense emotional pain i ever had. I am serious. I was lying 4 days in bed crying. But after a while it actually felt good to cry.. because it is an EMOTION it shows i am alive.It was like waking up in a different world. The world of truth instead of denial.. the world of EMOTIONS. I didnt know what that is prior to nardil. And i didnt know how shut down i was. It litterally felt like rising from the world of fake, the world of numbing emotional pain to the world of truth. I was so scared. Scared of what is coming and very scared to fall back to the world that was behind me.
Called Pdoc, immediatly went back to 45mg, because it was too much to take. Its still difficult for me to handle emotion. Agression, Sadness, Joy sometimes. I bump into people badly sometimes, because i am used to try hard to not sound like a pussy. Now with nardil thats too much lol.
I have a whole better connection to people. I like people more and vice versa. I am better at holding conversations, more joking. I literally went into the store and everybody i talked to LOVED me. I was like what is going on here. people were never so friendly to me.
Depression is defenitly lifted. Like i said i feel more alive, people comment on how i act and look "happier".BUT: i cant handle all this emotion. its too much so now i was put on 2 1/2 pills. It is a bit dangerous because i sometimes feel so sad that i get some suicidal thoughts. Maybe because i isolated myself a bit, too. The doc said it might be the wrong medication but i told him it might be just that i was so used to being depressed that i couldnt handle feeling normal yet.
He agreed its a possibility and whe should see how it works out. Slowly increase.
But its true, i was a complete emotionless guy. My dog died whom i loved alot. He was very important to me. He had to be killed because he was too sick. They (family) did it with a doc when i was on a vacation. Thats kind of the way it goes in my family. I didnt really shed any tears. Infact the dog was just gone. Thats it. No reaction. So i figured thats a big part of my problem. Somewhere in my childhood i had a couple of events (nasty divorce) where i unfortunatly had to learn how to be numb. thats why i feel i need to process lots of things with a therapist.
SIDE EFFECTS: insomnia. maybe overly emotional, but that needs to be seen with time. Sex still works, may take longer to get it up but it gets up everything ok. Can finish off not worse than before. Thats pretty much it.

I figured i need a whole lot of therapy, because of the emotion and thought thing i initially had and still have. I kind of want to process my childhood. Im still very young so it could be worth it. Do you guys know which kind of therapist i should consult? 
Important to me is that he/she is very empathetic and that i can go like 2 or 3 times a week and can show my emotions and pain. Long Term.

Anyways feel free to ask questions, drop comments, ill check back soon.
I feel for you guys, now that i actually have feelings again;) Hang in there.
poster:Hunk20
thread:946827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100504/msgs/946827.html