![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 7 to 31 of 32. Go back in thread:
Posted by TexasChic on January 14, 2006, at 13:00:11
In reply to Just got back from going out with friends at work, posted by TexasChic on January 13, 2006, at 20:32:02
Today I woke up depressed about last night. I just keep thinking of the way she responded to me when I told her I liked cute boy. She just seemed uncomfortable and like she knew something. And then him looking at us with that weird expression like he knew what we were talking about. It was one of those weird moments where you feel like something's up but you don't know what it is. I don't like it, something occured that I missed somehow. I realize I could be reading too much into this, but I still feel that something significant transpired.
The obsessive paranioa I know so well is setting in. And I know it could just be that and nothing else. But I just have such a strong feeling.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on January 14, 2006, at 13:50:10
In reply to Re: Just got back from going out with friends at w, posted by TexasChic on January 14, 2006, at 13:00:11
I realize part of this is stemming from how unworthy the 'perfect-pretty girl' made me feel. I'm actually glad she's leaving! It has been driving me crazy at work the way all the guys drool, and all the girls want to be her friend. And I know that's awful! She's not a bad person at all. Its jealousy on my part plain and simple. But its as if she swooped in without any effort and got all the things I struggle for. Including cute-boy's attention. I don't want to be this petty, but I can't just make my feelings go away.
I guess its about time I made that appointment with a new T.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on January 15, 2006, at 11:09:29
In reply to Re: Just got back from going out with friends at w, posted by TexasChic on January 14, 2006, at 13:50:10
I feel better than yesterday. I guess drinking does increase your depression. I was really low. I'm still feeling really ick about the other night though. I don't know why I told that girl about my crush on cute boy! I KNOW she's keeping in touch with people! And the way she reacted, even though it may not mean all the paranoid stuff I was thinking yesterday (she and cuteboy have something going on the side, or she knows he would never go for me in a 1000 years), it may at least mean she might tell him. I guess what's done is done.
I'm trying really hard to get to cleaning my apartment. I don't know why its so hard to get started. Its a disaster right now. I keep thinking, if anyone at work knew I lived like this, they would freak out! I feel like its somehow connected to something psychological going on in my head. Like, maybe I deserve to live in a mess, or as long as its this way I'll never move forward and take risks.
Well, I got a Mt. Dew to give me a caffeine boost. I'm going to give it a try.
-T
Posted by LegWarmers on January 15, 2006, at 23:19:13
In reply to Re: Just got back from going out with friends at w, posted by TexasChic on January 15, 2006, at 11:09:29
> I feel better than yesterday. I guess drinking does increase your depression. I was really low. I'm still feeling really ick about the other night though. I don't know why I told that girl about my crush on cute boy! I KNOW she's keeping in touch with people! And the way she reacted, even though it may not mean all the paranoid stuff I was thinking yesterday (she and cuteboy have something going on the side, or she knows he would never go for me in a 1000 years), it may at least mean she might tell him. I guess what's done is done.
It may be that she likes him? Don't let yourself assume that its about you, more likely its about her. But....what I think you should do, ok....are you ready?
I think you should either get cute boy alone in a room...ok well alone doenst have to be in a room, or if you can't get him alone, email him and say "Do you want to go out sometime?" Include in there somewhere that you absolutely understand if he is uncomfortable with work relationships, that you just thought you'd ask. The other possibility is to try to ignore him, but it does't sound like that will be easy since you sit beside each other.>
> I'm trying really hard to get to cleaning my apartment. I don't know why its so hard to get started. Its a disaster right now.That is why its so hard. You need to focus on a really small spot and start there and also make sure you don't try to do it in one day, it just doesn't happen.
>I keep thinking, if anyone at work knew I lived like this, they would freak out!
And they are thinking the same thing :) really there are some really messy people out there!
>I feel like its somehow connected to something psychological going on in my head. Like, maybe I deserve to live in a mess, or as long as its this way I'll never move forward and take risks.
yeah, it might be that you feel emotionally disorganized? But...Texaschic...you don't deserve to live in that mess. You better have cleaned it lol
Posted by TexasChic on January 16, 2006, at 18:07:50
In reply to Did you clean up? » TexasChic, posted by LegWarmers on January 15, 2006, at 23:19:13
Well, I got started! Baby steps. I just have to keep it up now.
As for the deal with cuteboy, its funny, I was so worried about the worst case senerio, that I didn't think of the most LIKELY senerio, which was nothing happened. If anything he was friendlier than usual, but there's not really any way I can trust my judgement on that. It was such a relief when he came up and started chit chatting with me early this morning. I didn't realize how much I was expecting him to avoid me or something. Paranoia is such a weird and annoying thing.
I also realized what was really bothering me was the inferiority I felt towards the 21 year old size 4 chic. It makes me so mad that I couldn't get past that! Although it would be totally embarrassing for him to find out about my crush from someone else, it was the fear that he was involved with her that was really getting to me.
I guess my upcoming birthday has something to do with it. I'll be 36, which is just a step closer to 40. Yikes!
-T
Posted by TexasChic on January 22, 2006, at 22:05:23
In reply to Re: Did you clean up? » LegWarmers, posted by TexasChic on January 16, 2006, at 18:07:50
I have to give up on cuteboy. I know I've been saying something to that effect for a while, but this is the first time I actually feel I'm going to follow through. I just started thinking, one day we're going to be hanging out and he'll bring a date, or hook up with someone in front of me and I'll be devastated. Its bound to happen. So for my own self preservation, I've GOT to let it go and move on.
I read somewhere, if its been a good while, and you've done everything you can think of, and he still hasn't made a move, its probably NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I think I need to accept that. He could have done SOMETHING by now, no matter what the circumstances.
I'm not totally crossing him off my list. If he finally does something other than meaningful looks and shy smiles, then I'll have to reassess the situation. But its obviously not going to happen now. And I'm driving myself crazy constantly hoping it will.
Today I went to Starbucks for a Cinnamin Dolce Latte (which are awsome BTW) and a TOTALLY hot guy waited on me. He didn't seem the least bit interested or anything, but it made me think, there are other guys out there, I just need to start looking.
So tomorrow I will try to make it my first day of giving up that anything is going to happen between us. Who knows, maybe sometime in the distant future things will change, maybe not. Regardless, what I need to do is MOVE ON!
So we'll see how it goes.
-T
Posted by ClearSkies on January 23, 2006, at 6:49:31
In reply to I've come to a conclusion., posted by TexasChic on January 22, 2006, at 22:05:23
TC, I think that moving on allows so many other possibilities to happen! Frees up your mind to other opportunities that are out there.
ClearSkies
Posted by TexasChic on January 23, 2006, at 17:41:14
In reply to Re: I've come to a conclusion. » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on January 23, 2006, at 6:49:31
Things went pretty well today. I tried to stay upbeat (even if it was just an act). I caught myself several times turning to look at him, I didn't realize I did it so much!
It was funny, I heard two songs on the radio during work that so apply. They're both 80's songs. One was Patty Smyth's 'Goodbye to You'. The other was Joan Jett's 'I hate myself for loving you'.
Here's a sample:
Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by your fear to choose
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to sayGoodbye to you
And some random Joan Jett lines:
Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin, say forget it just for spiteI hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you, that's why
I hate myself for loving youI think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away---------------------
The 80's were great about girl power! Yeah!-T
Posted by TexasChic on January 23, 2006, at 17:58:02
In reply to Re: I've come to a conclusion. » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on January 23, 2006, at 6:49:31
Yes, I know you're right. Seeing that hot guy really helped remind me of that.
I've always had a problem getting obsessed with a specific guy. Even though I know better, logic doesn't always work. I know most of it has to do with the fact that I've never really had a serious relationship and I'm so lonely for one. I've never even really dated. I realize this is in part because of low self esteem from a crappy childhood, and then being my Grandmother's caregiver for several years. It made for a combination that kept me alone, and gave me excuses not to change.
I'm just ready to get my (adult) life started. I can't help feeling a little like a freak sometimes.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on January 25, 2006, at 20:14:58
In reply to Re: I've come to a conclusion. » ClearSkies, posted by TexasChic on January 23, 2006, at 17:58:02
At the job I have now they have layoff in the summer for three months. A few people are kept according to seniority. I got to stay last summer, but am going to be bumped out this summer.
One alternative is these workshops that take you all over the country to help schools design their yearbooks (that's what I do). The schools pay you and cover your expenses. I had been considering doing this.
Well anyway, today at break this girl who I've become friends with who did the workshops last year starts telling me how hard they are. She just goes on and on about how difficult and stressful they are. Before this she has always encouraged me about doing it. So I was kind of wondering what was up. Then she came over to my desk to tell me some more about how hard it was, and she mentions that 'they' were talking about the fact that I have panic attacks and anxiety problems, basically meaning that I probably couldn't handle the grueling schedule. I said, who is they? She just kind of brushed it off. It hadn't really sunk in what she said, I was still going, huh? It wasn't until later that I got mad.
See the thing is, last time we were out and I kept knocking beers over, I told this one guy about having anxiety and taking Xanax and Prozac. I also told him I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for the Prozac. Needless to say I was a little drunk at the time. I later regretted it, but he seemed really understanding and cool about it. Now I see he discussed it with the other two (at least). But that doesn't even make me so mad as the fact that this made them think I was incapable of doing a job they had done last year!
I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. I don't even know if I want to talk to them tommorow. Mostly I'm pissed at myself for being such a blabber mouth. But they could at least have not discussed and judged me about it.
I knew from past experiences that telling people has very mixed results depending on how educated they are on the subject. I had decided I wouldn't tell anyone anymore. Now I feel like I've screwed everything up and their opinion of me will never be the same. All I could think of all day was looking for another job.
I don't think I'll go out drinking with them anymore. Although, that's the only socialization I have these days.
-T
Posted by LegWarmers on January 25, 2006, at 23:00:59
In reply to Bad Day, posted by TexasChic on January 25, 2006, at 20:14:58
> Well anyway, today at break this girl who I've become friends with who did the workshops last year starts telling me how hard they are. She just goes on and on about how difficult and stressful they are. Before this she has always encouraged me about doing it. So I was kind of wondering what was up. Then she came over to my desk to tell me some more about how hard it was, and she mentions that 'they' were talking about the fact that I have panic attacks and anxiety problems, basically meaning that I probably couldn't handle the grueling schedule. I said, who is they? She just kind of brushed it off. It hadn't really sunk in what she said, I was still going, huh? It wasn't until later that I got mad.
>ouch! That sucks. Im assuming this girl was watching out for you? Not being mean? Regarless, that was really out of line of them to talk about you.
> See the thing is, last time we were out and I kept knocking beers over, I told this one guy about having anxiety and taking Xanax and Prozac. I also told him I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for the Prozac. Needless to say I was a little drunk at the time. I later regretted it, but he seemed really understanding and cool about it. Now I see he discussed it with the other two (at least). But that doesn't even make me so mad as the fact that this made them think I was incapable of doing a job they had done last year!
maybe pull the guy aside and ask him if he did say anything. that would really feel awful :( sorry Texas chic
> I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. I don't even know if I want to talk to them tommorow. Mostly I'm pissed at myself for being such a blabber mouth. But they could at least have not discussed and judged me about it.
>It may be better if you act like nothing happened. Id try not to let them see you upset, but thats just me.
> I knew from past experiences that telling people has very mixed results depending on how educated they are on the subject. I had decided I wouldn't tell anyone anymore. Now I feel like I've screwed everything up and their opinion of me will never be the same. All I could think of all day was looking for another job.
You can change that. Just let them know that you have no concerns over doing it, act like it doesnt bother you and don't let them see you upset tomorrow.>
> I don't think I'll go out drinking with them anymore. Although, that's the only socialization I have these days.
>
> -T:( what a hard situation to be in. I hope tomorrow goes ok! What a cool job btw!
Posted by TexasChic on January 26, 2006, at 17:39:33
In reply to Re: Bad Day » TexasChic, posted by LegWarmers on January 25, 2006, at 23:00:59
> ...I said, who is they? She just kind of brushed it off. It hadn't really sunk in what she said, I was still going, huh? It wasn't until later that I got mad.
> > ouch! That sucks. Im assuming this girl was watching out for you? Not being mean? Regarless, that was really out of line of them to talk about you.
The weird thing about it is, she used to be really friendly and went out of her way to include me, but in the past few weeks or so, she's been different. Its not anything blatant, she just isn't as friendly and I notice she never looks at me when we're in a group talking. I don't have the foggiest what up with her.
> See the thing is I told this one guy about having anxiety and taking Xanax and Prozac. Now I see he discussed it with the other two (at least).
>> maybe pull the guy aside and ask him if he did say anything. that would really feel awful :( sorry Texas chicI thought about doing that all day. But I just couldn't (fear of confrontation and all). He did seem to go out of his way to talk to me though. I still might say something to him about it if we're ever someplace other than work where I could talk to him alone.
>I don't even know if I want to talk to them tommorow.
>> It may be better if you act like nothing happened. Id try not to let them see you upset, but thats just me.I mostly kept to myself today. But unlike other days I've done that, people seemed to notice. Cuteboy kept talking to me, a couple of others went out of their way to too (people who usually don't even notice me), and at lunch one of the girls who is friends with the one I talked about earlier, insisted I come sit with them and stop being unsocialble. So I gave in. I made me feel better even though I still felt like I got the cold shoulder from the one girl.
>> :( what a hard situation to be in. I hope tomorrow goes ok! What a cool job btw!
Thanks for the support. I actually signed on and read your post this morning, it helped me be a little calmer. As for the job, its not as cool as it sounds, but I am eternally grateful to have it and not one of the jobs from hell I've had before. And although it may not be the most rewarding job in the world like being a nurse or social worker, its at least something that sometimes draws on my artistic talent, which makes it sort of fun. I always hated all my jobs before, so that's a big change for me.
Thanks again for the support!
-T
Posted by LegWarmers on January 26, 2006, at 20:46:24
In reply to Re: Bad Day » LegWarmers, posted by TexasChic on January 26, 2006, at 17:39:33
>
> The weird thing about it is, she used to be really friendly and went out of her way to include me, but in the past few weeks or so, she's been different. Its not anything blatant, she just isn't as friendly and I notice she never looks at me when we're in a group talking. I don't have the foggiest what up with her.Maybe she feels threatened by you in some way? If you apply for this summer job does it affect her at all?
> I thought about doing that all day. But I just couldn't (fear of confrontation and all). He did seem to go out of his way to talk to me though. I still might say something to him about it if we're ever someplace other than work where I could talk to him alone.
I would just mention it casually, like "btw, you didnt mention what I told you to anyone did you?" and sound like you don't really care either way but you just wanted to mention it. See his reaction, maybe it would be better to drop it though....I dunno. hmm
>
> I mostly kept to myself today. But unlike other days I've done that, people seemed to notice. Cuteboy kept talking to me, a couple of others went out of their way to too (people who usually don't even notice me), and at lunch one of the girls who is friends with the one I talked about earlier, insisted I come sit with them and stop being unsocialble. So I gave in. I made me feel better even though I still felt like I got the cold shoulder from the one girl.Thats great that you hung out with them! If someone is being weird with you and you value the friendship...try asking them about it? If it isnt that strong of a realtionship then I may just leave it and move on to someone else.
> Thanks for the support. I actually signed on and read your post this morning, it helped me be a little calmer.
:) Im glad>As for the job, its not as cool as it sounds, but I am eternally grateful to have it and not one of the jobs from hell I've had before. And although it may not be the most rewarding job in the world like being a nurse or social worker, its at least something that sometimes draws on my artistic talent, which makes it sort of fun. I always hated all my jobs before, so that's a big change for me.
Yeah its nice when you can find something that you like.
>
> Thanks again for the support!
>
> -T
>Anytime :)
I hope tomorrow goes well
Posted by TexasChic on January 27, 2006, at 19:15:59
In reply to Re: Bad Day » TexasChic, posted by LegWarmers on January 26, 2006, at 20:46:24
Today was strange. I started out in a pretty good mood, but then something changed. I didn't go out of my way to say anything to the girl I felt was giving me the cold shoulder. We walked past each other several times and she never said a word. I kept to myself most of the time, but chatted with a few people here and there.
I was reading my book on break, when I got to a really sad part and started crying. It was understandable, but I think it may have been a precurser of things to come.
Lunch time rolled around, and I had begun to notice that the two other girls who hang out with cold shoulder girl seemed to be ignoring me too. Then they all went out to lunch together, which just did me in (because they always ask me if they're going out). I started crying for real (my co-workers were all gone to lunch by then). I kept trying to stop and I couldn't. The tears just kept leaking out. I finally went outside and bummed a cigarette off someone and sat out there for a while. Several of my co-workers walked by but didn't seem to see anything strange about me sitting there by myself smoking (when everyone knows I quit).
So I go inside and my eyes are all bloodshot, I'm still crying a little bit, and I just know someone is going to say something. But nobody noticed! People even came up and talked to me and didn't seem to see anything amiss. To be fair though, we do keep our room pretty dark so we don't have a glare on our computer screens (its a graphic artist quirk that NOBODY else seems to comprehend). But I still started feeling weird that nobody noticed. I started HOPING someone would notice! I actually got so far as to try to think of ways to GET people to notice when I realized how twisted that was. I thought, will I EVER be able to maintain friendships without screwing it all up because of my paranoia???
Before the day was over, I ended up at the printer with cold shoulder girl. She chit chatted about work like nothing in the world was wrong! I could only manage a few incomprehensible mumbles. So then I go back to my desk and I'm thinking, did I dream this whole thing up? Am I going looney-tunes? That freaked me out worse than being ignored!
I finally got ahold of myself before the day was over (with the help of a Xanax I found in my desk). There's this one girl who I used to not like because she's loud and always takes over the conversation (I felt like she was the reason I could never get in on the conversations around me, and maybe it was intentional). But she kept trying to bring me into conversations for the rest of the day! It was like bizarro world or something. Everyone was being their opposite.
So anyway, I came home and lost myself in my Stephen King book, and I suddenly realized I feel better. Pretty okay actually. Do I have something wrong with me that I have these spells where I get all paranoid and out of control upset? I just don't understand why its so important one moment, and then not later. Its as if I temporarily slip into the person I am without meds.
Anyway, like I said I'm feeling better other than wondering if I'm INSANE. Luckily I don't think anyone really caught on to the condition I was in, so at least I can go back Monday and act normal. I definitely have to start going to a T again. I'm obviously not out of the woods when it comes to my mental health.
Thanks for listening.
-T
Posted by Phillipa on January 27, 2006, at 21:37:07
In reply to Re: Bad Day 2, posted by TexasChic on January 27, 2006, at 19:15:59
Texas chic, not to be nosey which I am but what is your dx? Is it possible your meds need adjusting. Just a thought. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by TexasChic on January 29, 2006, at 21:57:47
In reply to Re: Bad Day 2 » TexasChic, posted by Phillipa on January 27, 2006, at 21:37:07
Not nosey, this is the place to ask. Its depression and anxiety with some OTC 'tendencies'.
I've gone the whole med cocktail merry-go-round, and found out good old Prozac works best for me by far. The episode I went through last week is rare (and there are alot of other things I've been avoiding that I now think contributed to the whole thing). I think I just need to start therapy again so my paranoia doesn't take control. It helped before just to have someone to bounce things off of and be told honestly (and professionally) whether or not I'm overreacting. I thought I was at the point where I could figure it out for myself, but obviously not. I'm going to try to make an appointment with a new T this week.
My childhood was far from stable. My Dad was indiscribably domineering and had extreme fits of rage. Plus he was a preacher, and his control extended to even our thoughts. Even 'thinking' about questioning our religious beliefs was considered a sin. I always thought he would one day kill us all and then himself. There was reason to believe this.
We also later found out he molested a couple of my cousins and some other little girls. Although I have no memories of being molested, I do have some strange half memories that concern me. I don't think I'll ever know for sure. He passed away when I was 20.
During High School and my early to mid 20's, I was a suicidal wreck. My childhood left me feeling that I was incapable of living any sort of normal life. My self esteem was zero. The thought of taking care of myself was incomprehensible. I didn't get my liscense until I was 20, and I didn't move out of my parents until about 23 or so (and that was living with another relative).
Then I started meds, and later therapy, and life completely turned around for me. Its been a steady never ending fight tooth and nail, but I'm beyond anything I ever dreamed of for myself (I never thought I'd be alive this long).
A couple of years ago I tried Lexapro to see if it would work better than Prozac, and I felt like I lost my freaking mind. I really think I had or at least came close to a nervous breakdown. My doc convinced me try it for 6 months before I begged her to put me back on Prozac. Now I take Prozac 80 mg a day along with 300 mg of Wellbutrin. This is the most normal I've ever felt in my life. I think my meds are as good as it gets, but we all know it takes more than that. (BTW, Lexapro works GREAT for some people, just not for me).
As for the 'other things', I've never really dealt that well with my Grandmother's death back in June. And now my Mom is selling her house, which I can't even begin to describe how much that affects me. Its the only place I ever considered home. Plus it represents me letting go and dealing with Grandmother's death. Add that to the fact that the rest of my family is insanely disfunctional and trying to drag me down with them, and I think you got the makings for a crying jag.
-T
Posted by LegWarmers on January 30, 2006, at 8:49:06
In reply to Re: Bad Day 2 » Phillipa, posted by TexasChic on January 29, 2006, at 21:57:47
It sounds like you had a really hard time growing up :(
It is nice to hear in your post how proud of yourself you are to be where you are now. I agree that therapy sounds like a really good idea.
I hope things are going ok.(((TC)))
Posted by TexasChic on January 30, 2006, at 18:30:07
In reply to Re: Re: Bad Day 2 » TexasChic, posted by LegWarmers on January 30, 2006, at 8:49:06
No one acted as if they had noticed my being upset Friday. I just put on a smile and said good morning to cold shoulder girl and we chit chatted a little. I still feel a weird stand-off-ish vibe from her that I don't get, but oh well. What are you gonna do? Everyone else was nice and responded to my 'good mood'.
Cute boy was just so damned cute as usual.
Thanks for all the support yall. I really appreciate it.
-T
Posted by LegWarmers on February 1, 2006, at 0:27:07
In reply to Things went well today., posted by TexasChic on January 30, 2006, at 18:30:07
> No one acted as if they had noticed my being upset Friday. I just put on a smile and said good morning to cold shoulder girl and we chit chatted a little. I still feel a weird stand-off-ish vibe from her that I don't get, but oh well. What are you gonna do? Everyone else was nice and responded to my 'good mood'.
>Thats great! Im glad it went well. good moods are good :)
> Cute boy was just so damned cute as usual.
>:)
Posted by TexasChic on February 1, 2006, at 17:35:23
In reply to Re: Things went well today. » TexasChic, posted by LegWarmers on February 1, 2006, at 0:27:07
I've been keeping up my positive attitude and pretending I don't notice the way certain people are treating me. But today one of the girls who is part of the cold-shoulder-girl's entourage came up to me and asked me if I wanted her lunch. I said, no thanks, I have a Hotpocket. The guy beside me said he'd take it. I asked her if she had something else to eat. She said, "Oh, um well, yeah". Later I saw the entourage clocking back in from going out to lunch together (again).
Now you can't tell me she could offer me her lunch and not have it occur to her that I might want to go with them when I have numerous times in the past. Its intentional!
Last summer I dealt with this same girl and another who are now the entourage, with an almost identical situation. But it was just them ignoring me. When they started being nice again I figured I would just let bygones be bygones. But I let myself get lured in again.
I just don't get it. Its so childish. Its like they have a meeting and decide, okay, so-and-so isn't responding anymore, who's next on our list to ignore? All of them have a history of doing this, I just assumed those situations were justified. Now I wonder.
It drives me crazy that I let it get to me, but I just can't help it. I sincerely thought of these people as my friends, and out of the blue they don't like me anymore and I have no idea why.
My first instinct is to give them the cold shoulder right back and make sure they know that I know what's going on. But that behavior always gets me more upset and depressed. So do I just not go out of my way to talk to them and then act fake when I run into them? That's basically what they're doing to me. But its so hard for me to not express my true feelings and be fake. But I guess that's what I'll try to do.
What makes it worse is cold-shoulder-girl is very good friends with the three guys I hang out with at work, two of which are the ones who apparently 'discussed' my having anxiety problems after I confided in one of them. Cold-shoulder-girl was the one who told me "You may not want to do the workshops this summer because they're really hard and stressful, and 'they' said you have anxiety problems." So in a way, I don't really want to hang out with them either. But I don't want to just avoid everyone! And I like these guys. Now I can't help but wonder if I'm wrong about them too and they don't really like me but just put up with me.
I KNOW if I had friends outside of work this wouldn't bother me as bad. Of course that's easier said than done.
What also sucks is my birthday is coming up and we had all planned to go out together. I could see them 'accidently' forgetting, or they might just go and keep acting fake to me like they do when I try to talk to them. I just don't know if I can go through all that faking. Why do people have to be so freaking weird?!?!
--------------
On a POSITIVE note, my friend and his wife that moved to San Fransico are coming for a visit this weekend. He used to work with me, so I tell him about all the drama that goes on. He told me cold-shoulder-girl was a loser and I should just steer clear of her.
I'm excited to see them, I guess 'they're' my friends outside of work. Unfortunately they live too far away to hang out with very often.
-T
Posted by ClearSkies on February 2, 2006, at 18:27:20
In reply to I cried at work again today., posted by TexasChic on February 1, 2006, at 17:35:23
TC, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. There are too many people out in the work world who have no idea how to Play Nice. And I know what it is like to take these things to heart.
(((TC)))Most likely she has no idea how today upset you.
ClearSkies
Posted by TexasChic on February 2, 2006, at 19:44:26
In reply to Re: I cried at work again today. » TexasChic, posted by ClearSkies on February 2, 2006, at 18:27:20
Thanks CS.
I got really upset again today, but had a strange episode of elation later!
When I got upset, I was talking to this girl who has been through a similiar situation with cold-shoulder-girl. She's a pretty negative person. She said she knew I'd eventually learn what 'they' were really like and the best thing I could do is get another job.
Nobody considers this job anything but a stepping stone, but its easy and the money is good. That is, OTHER than the summer layoff, which I will be part of this year (three months unemployment).
Today they asked who wanted to do the workshops this summer, which is a solution to the layoff and a chance to travel around the country and work with schools. I raised my hand, but I felt really leary. I'm afraid cold-shoulder-girl, who has done these in the past (but doesn't want to this year), may tell the guy not to pick me. She's already expressed she didn't think I could handle it because I have anxiety.
So with this and negative girl, I got really upset and cried and cried at my desk.
BUT... oddly enough, after I had my cry (about an hour's worth), I suddenly felt it all lifted off me. I still care, but I'm no longer so distraught. I even said hi to cold-shoulder-girl! Its like I was just over it. I just realized, I've gone through so-o-o much worse than this! I thought of my last couple of debacles and realized, this it NOTHING!
There's a whole segment at work of people who have nothing whatsoever to do with this. And I remembered something about the workshops. When the guy came in and asked who wanted to do them, he nodded to me in recognition, and I remembered that a while back cold-shoulder-girl had introduced me and recomended me for the workshops! I had completely forgotten! Plus, despite her behavior, she's still much, much saner than the people I've dealt with in the past. I half way feel like if I talk to her, I may be able to smooth things out at least a little bit. But up until now I was in no state to do this.
So we'll see what happens. I'm hanging in there. Everything happens for a reason!
-T
Posted by TexasChic on February 3, 2006, at 18:01:12
In reply to I cried at work AGAIN today. » ClearSkies, posted by TexasChic on February 2, 2006, at 19:44:26
I got up the guts to ask cold-shoulder-girl what was up. This was a REALLY hard thing for me. I was shaking. I had been thinking about it all day, and I decided instead of saying, "Are you mad at me?" I would say "You're obviously mad at me about something. I was wondering if you would be willing to discuss it." Well, to make a long story short, she wasn't ever mad at me!
She told me has been going through alot because her brother has Lukemia, which I knew about. But I felt she made a sudden change in her behavior, rather than an on-going thing. I think what happened is I was upset about family stuff and keeping to myself, and she took that as disinterest.
Another thing is she and the other two are like a pack, they're always together. That's too much togetherness for me, mainly because of the loud mouth one. She brought up that I always go outside with the guys for break, so they never know what I want to do. This struck me as a revealing statement. I think since I wasn't conforming to the way they thought I should act, it made them think I was being stand-offish.
I told her I had gone through this already with the other two over the summer, so I just thought 'here we go again'. She said she didn't know that (though I did tell her). So we talked it out, and it ended with us agreeing it was a misunderstanding.
So-o-o, now I feel a little stupid, and wish I had asked, "Are you mad at me?" rather than what I said. But, I also feel that under the circumstances, I wasn't totally wacked out to think what I did. But I kind of worry that she will now think I'm inmature. Is it a wonder I can't hang on to female friends?
-T
Posted by Dinah on February 8, 2006, at 20:31:08
In reply to Weird, weird, weird., posted by TexasChic on February 3, 2006, at 18:01:12
I think you did good. My therapist is always telling me to take a chance in relationships, and that's what you did. You made yourself vulnerable and it paid off in knowing what was really going on. And how there were misperceptions all around.
Posted by TexasChic on February 10, 2006, at 20:29:13
In reply to Re: Weird, weird, weird. » TexasChic, posted by Dinah on February 8, 2006, at 20:31:08
Thanks. I do feel at least a little bit good that I managed to salvage the situation. But I still feel extremely stupid. I can now see it was one of my paranoid rampages, even though there were some legitiment reasons for it. I want to tell her I'm sorry and I was overreacting. Its just hard to talk at work. I've thought of calling her this weekend, but it depends on if I have the guts.
I just don't know how to control the paranioa! When you're in the middle of it, you don't realize you're paranoid, you think your fears are completely justified. I can't imagine what I will be like if I EVER get a boyfriend!
I think the worst part is I talked to cuteboy about this. When I told him the other girl and I both thought the other was mad at each other, but we were both being withdrawn because of other problems, he said he just couldn't understand that. I told him it must be a girl thing. He was like "Yeah, I can just imagine me and the guys at work getting all upset because we think the other person is mad at us."
Oh BTW, when I got together with my friends from San Fransico the other night, he came too. We were both early so we sat talking for about 30-45 minutes. I couldn't help but get hopeful feelings from it! But I know I can't think that way. I keep telling myself he's someone I should try to be friends with and then maybe sometime down the road things might change. I guess that's the only way I can deal with letting go.
I'm going to try to make a new start this weekend, starting with cleaning my apartment. I have alot of cute stuff but its useless because its such a mess! And I know how good I would feel with everything clean and in its place. Its almost like the mess represents what's going on in my head, and each is affected by the other. Its an endless cycle.
I also want to get started on trying to get in shape. I have a bunch of Yoga tapes, but I could never relax with everything such a mess around me. And I want to buy a bike. Threre's alot of trails around here, and I feel like with the connection I feel to nature that might be a form of exercise I could enjoy and stick with.
Today at work I was thinking about how I know I would feel so much better about myself if I could lose some weight. I was thinking, I know I'm at least semi attractive, if I lose weight I would have the confidence to maybe hook up with a guy. Maybe that thought could finally be the push I need. But I know that's not the way I should be thinking. Its only occasionally that I feel attractive as is. I just get worried that its false confidence.
Anyway, I guess that's enough babbling for now.
-T
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