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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 3:34:06
hi, its laural
i just thought i'de write and say that i appreciate your responses to some things i've posted. i'm getting kind of confused about where i've said what so rather than finding those threads. . .anyway i guess since you've told me were about the same age, i'm interested in knowing more about you. to be honest i havn't read your history and i'm confused about wethor you first came here under a different name. how are you coping with your illness or condition or dis-ease? i personally have a chronic illness--schizo-affective bipolar which i am not adverse to taking meds for. there are so many things i'm scared about being 24, almost 25, i'm just starting my life and --well, i'm not sure what i'm asking--how are you doing, what scares you? i want to know about you perhaps for selfish reasons but also because you sound nice. i guess everybody on this board sounds pretty sympathetic and kind. maybe you could direct me to some threads you think might be relevant--laural
Posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 13:08:50
In reply to Rzip, posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 3:34:06
> Laural,
I am 21 years old, getting an undergraduate degree in Biology. I am currently a 3rd year. I love school. I love the stability of studying. You know you just go from one grade to the next year after year. Gaining knowledge and respect as you move forward.
My goal right now is to get my bachelor degree. Before I came to college, before I had my mental breakdown, before my medical leave of absence in my 2nd year--I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to have a M.D. and a Ph.D. High school was very easy for me, and I thought college and Medical school? would be the same. I was wrong. I could always blame my problem on my college. It has been quietly known for pushing students to the edge. But, looking back, I am grateful for the "opportunities" the school has given me to find myself. I feel very fortunate toward my school to allow me to resume my studies after my leave of absence. It still is tough at time to concentrate on my studies because I love it so much that it upsets me when I do not do well academically.
Like I said, my career goals has changed. I have came to learn and accept my strengths and weaknesses. I am probably going to work in a scientific company after graduation from college. The idea of becoming a doctor still burns in my hearts. And I cry (as I am right now) every time I think about not being able to attain my ultimate dream (Physician). Somehow, I just feel like I can do good and be content if I become a doctor. I want to reach out and help people, to connect with people so much. In reality, I am so shy and anxious in social situations. But in my fantasies (I fantasy a lot), I see myself as the rescuer in a crisis. I don't know if I am obsessed with becoming a doctor; or because deep down in my hearts, I know that it is the profession for me. It just hurts so much to see that dream ebb away. Currently, I do have the grades to get into Medical school. Also, I do not know how to explain the leave of absence. It just is so upsetting.
I am not sure how to explain what my problem is. Offhand, I would pick lonliness and anxiety. My therapist says I am close to psychotic, but not quite there. That's the other thing, I don't know what to do about my therapist. It is a real dilemma. She obviously care and want to see me "get well". However, I have a lot of defense mechanisms created within me that prevents people from penetrating into my heart and mind. I am so resistant toward her that we never really formed an intense therapeutic relationship. Everything is just in limbo with her right now. I think she is a little frustrated with me. I sent her an e-mail yesterday reassuring her that I am doing o.k. and I am getting therapy everyday from this service.
So, the bottom line is that I do not have a diagnosis. I am not taking any medications. I just let my body and mind suffer through the depression episodes the natural way. It is hard to go through it, but I haven't real seriously thought about suicide during those episodes in the past one and half years. So I guess I am safe without pills. It feels so great to "come back" and feel normal again, like right now, and know that I got out of it on my own (as opposed to pills). I am religiously and affirmatively against taking medications for whatever my problem is. That is the other thing that frustrates my therapist.My biggest problem is that I am not quite sure people exists. I have a very internal mind, and have a tendency to live in it (just me and my world). I truly think that this site has helped me a great deal in reaching out. It is going to be my life-line in crisis.
I had a very controversial introduction, and I would prefer you to know me as I am right now. A lot of people on this board are put off by me, and they don't write to me anymore. They did at the beginning, but not any more :-( That is very very sad for me because this is on-line...no wonder I do not have any friends in real-life. Everyone is scared, puzzled, or something of me, and they do not talk to me. But, then again, I am not exactly the out-going type either. I am so lonely. Please keep talking and writing to me, Laural.
-Rzip
Posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 14:30:20
In reply to Re: Rzip » laural, posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 13:08:50
Rzip--
i'm sorry to hear that you do not trust meds, how do you marry this idea to your desire to become a physician? i was almost phobic of outside contact before i got on paxil and now i have almost no trouble with social activity. at least youre not in danger of dying right now, but i still have to question your level of well-being. my heart goes out to you. i'll write more later, but i'm so tired, i have to go back to bed. laural
Posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 14:49:59
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 14:30:20
>Laural,
When I say that I do not want to take any medicine, I was referring to the psychiatry meds that one takes forever. I take antibotics and cold medicines when I am sick. I just don't take meds that has an everlasting effect on the mind. My resistance probably go with my uncertainty of whether or not I have a problem. If so, what is it exactly.
- Rzip
Posted by laural on October 23, 2000, at 9:59:36
In reply to Re: Rzip » laural, posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 14:49:59
You actually remind me of a friend i once had. she was very intelligent, but seemed somehow hollow to me. like she was afraid to trust people and really open up so instead she went for the shock value and tried to be very--i dunno, it was like she needed people to love her so badly that it drove people away because she would suck them dry. i guess that might describe a lot of us on this board from time to time. she didn't know the limits of our friendship, we were so close, in such a co-dependant sort of way that she thought it would be perfectly acceptable to "share" my boyfriend with me. i really don't think she meant any harm by it, but she never seemed to know the difference of right and wrong, and boundaries. she claims that she had had no trauma as a child but her doc diagnosed her as borderline personality disorder. i think i'm however reading too much into what you write. as an aside, are you asian by any chance? it would be interesting to me to see how asians deal with depression as i have known few in my life that have mental illness. anyway, my friend was also into self-hurting and we often sat an cut on ourselves. i really got the impression that she had very low self-esteem and sought to improve her self-esteem by being sexually intimate with many people. she also often used to threaten suicide and once when she really was trying to die, i had to track her down all over the city to take her to the ER for an OD. please don't be offended if this does not describe you at all, after all, i have never met you and haven't really read yoiur past posts
i think it would be helpful for me to know about things you think are significant to you in the past---write back, laural
Posted by Rzip on October 23, 2000, at 10:52:42
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by laural on October 23, 2000, at 9:59:36
>Laural,
Yes, I am Asian. In fact, I was born in Shianghai, China.
Anyway, I am very upset right now. I just found out that I got C on both my Biochemistry midterms, Biology quiz, and probably my Physics midterms last week. I got the results back today. You know how everything I think of my self is based on academics. I just can not seem to get past it no matter how hard I try. But the really scary thing is that I thought I was doing o.k. mentally and in spirits last week. It is scary to not be able to trust your own instincts, you know.
It is time like this that I have to re-energize myself and think that there are always other midterms. Other chances. I just have to remember not to wait until the last moment, to procrasinate. But somehow these days I always do. How did I get so messed up!!! I can not even tell what is real and what is not any longer. Help... As Scarlet said in "Gone with the Wind"..."Tomorrow is another day" (or something like that). I just have to remember my spirit and hold on. But most importantly, I have to study. I can not get the good grades if I do not study. Somehow, it is just so hard for me to focus and concentrate on my schoolwork these days. And I get so depressed as a result. I really do not want to go through another depression episode again. I just got out of one two weeks before. How am I going to make it through till the end of quarter. Somehow, deep down inside, I believe, I know that I can. It is just a real rollercoaster ride, you know. Studies and mental state of mind. Working against one another half of the time.
How are you doing in your studies?
-Rzip
Posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 10:38:12
In reply to Re: Rzip » laural, posted by Rzip on October 23, 2000, at 10:52:42
I've never been to Shanghai, I'de love to see it--i love travel and the far east is still left unturned for me, i've gotten as far as St. Petersburgh--not near enough.
i uh, i dropped out this semester. due to the fact that i could not get out of bed, much less stay awake, and had no motivation at all, i thought it best that i didn't hurt my GPA as i was about a month behind and by then the stress of catching up would probably exascerbate things to the point where my life might be in danger
you seem like the driven type, and while i would not recommend dropping out to some people, i know that you and i are going to eventually make it through college, so a little time out, at least for me, was much needed.
i realize that some parents may not be so supportive of this desiciion--especially those who come from fast-paced profetional homes (god my spelling is atrocious). some have the financial strings, others withhold love and support.
i am not urging you to take a medical leave, but i want you to understand that it IS an option and a healthy one sometimes and since its medical, it doesn't affect your status and sometimes you can get some money back to pay off loans
i have a feeling that you are not aware maybe of your resistance to your shrink but that you are--i think because perhaps the type of culture you live in does not allow for attention to be paid to the individual, but emphasises sacrifice for the common good, am I right? i would like to point out that in this case, you would be no help to any common good unless you can heal yourself first.
i think that the US emphasises the opposite and that too is ineffective, there must be some happy median. i think "the median" must be my answer to everything : ) "to walk the middle path" so to speak.
a C is not bad. Its average. I know that somehow "average" has become some kind of a bad thing, but a lot of times people could care less about your GPA, as long as you graduate. If youre shooting for top ten schools however, i think they require at least a B average. but even if you don't go to a top ten school, MDs make money and do a great service. And personally, i've never really gone into my docs office and really looked at their diplomas. my judgement is based on their understanding of my problems and who i am, and how well we resonate. they could be imposters for all i care, as long as i feel better!
if youre shooting for a b average, take a medical leave if you can. if you feel like you can finish with a c average great. if you feel like your mood will change shortly and you can still make a b average, great.
the important point is to fix you, make you feel whole again, and only you can really make yourself accesible to your doc, only you can let them into your world. it really is up to you to decide if you want to heal yourself.
take care and write back! laural
Posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 10:46:54
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 10:38:12
I had a couple of fall semesters in college that I cut back to 3 courses instead of 5 when I was depressed. It meant going to summer school after my last regular semester to finish my graduation requirements, but it helped me survive with the least amount of disruption to my life (ie--not having to leave college, go back home, etc.).
Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:01:35
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 10:38:12
> Oh Laural,
I have already taken a medical leave in my second year here. I left for two semesters. If was both good (I had a good job and made good money), and bad (I was miserable that I was not working on my degree). Anyway, when I came back, the director of my counseling center said that my resume of studies here is conditional of periodically checking in with my therapist, and I was not to leave for another reason. Consider that I did something very bad behaviorally, hence was asked to take the medical leave of absence, I have always been very grateful to even resume my studies here. I really love my university, my studies, and the academic environment here. Anyway, I really do not see another medical leave as an option. I am very determined to finish my studies here. I only have one and half more years to go. It is a struggle to concentrate, to focus these days. Like today, I am simply just not productive. In fact, I have been having these anxieties attacks. I ended going to the bookstore and buying two books on Manic-depression and Borderline patients. I am hoping that knowledge will calm me down. I should be using my time wisely to study for my Biological diversity quiz tomorrow. Ahhh! It is so not fair to have this chronic problem. I am recognizing it as a chronic problem now.
I also made an appointment with my therapist for next week. Too bad it is not this week. You know, I am sweating, and shaking. And at times today, it is hard to breath. I had these symptoms before. There is a crisis line and all that at my school. But, I have been instructed to only talk to my therapist. Since I am resistant against her, that option is not too appealing either. At times like this, and I had them numerous times before-- I always wonder what to do? What to do? Take this service for instance, it helps a great deal to talk and write...but in order to concentrate on my studies, I do not want to devote too much energy to this. But I am in need of you guys so much. I hate HATE these rollercoaster rides. Of course, I should be put on meds. But I am very much against that also. I can try and list my reasonings:
1) I love my mind. At peaceful and limbo times, it is my friend. Drugs will take my mind away.
2) I am too arrogant to take meds. A costly attitude to be held hostage by pride and upbringing.
3) Psychiatric meds are in testing trials by virtue of history. Too many uncertainties. Too many trial and errors. I can not put myself through it.
4) Inconvience...my therapist is a Ph.D. Of the five psychiatrists at my counseling clinic, I only know three of them. I do not trust people in general, antisocial and all that...so if I am going to be prescribed meds (I am slowly giving into the idea, especially in the manic times--anything, anything to take the discomfort AWAY). I am actally both extremely afraid and fascinated by psychiastrists...the three I know: One is a bit of a pill-pushed (bad); one is the director of the clinic (it would be interesting to talk to him again; to be prescribed meds??? I am not so sure I am welcomed to that idea); and the last one is someone I have a crush on, but never met face to face. The bottom-line is that I am as much more eager to meet the psychiastrists as to actually be prescribed meds by them. Too much of a risk to be taking meds. I have faith in my natural biological system. I just do not think psychiastrists by definition are too understanding of that. Faith and naturality. Anyway, I currently fantasize about being prescribed meds by one of the three psychiastrists a great deal. That probably means that I am weakening my stubborness...I do not know.I think writing this is actually making me feel temporaryily better. Thank you, Laural.
-Rzip
Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:13:04
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by noa on October 24, 2000, at 10:46:54
> Noa,
Thank you for the suggestion and the thought on my behalf. However, I am attending a private University and I really can not burden my parents with the extra expense. Being an only child, I have been spoiled by them enough. Now, it is time for me to move on with my life, so that they can move on with theirs. I sort of see it as swim or drown situation for me. I feel extremely guilty for the amount of pain and embrassment my depression and the Medical leave during my 2nd year has put my parents through. They deserve better than this. I want them to move on with their life. My parents are very happily married. It is really not fair for me to intrude and bring unhappiness to their lives. I am an adult now, and hence by definition I should be capable of dealing with my own tribulations. I am willing to bite down on the bullet and get my Undergraduate degree. I sort of see it as forcing myself to hang in there or die trying. With that said, I am going to start studying now. Today has NOT been a very productive day, like many of the other days I have had recently. Oh well, live and learn; or die trying. That is my philosophy.
Thanks again for caring.
-Rzip
Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:22:31
In reply to Re: Rzip » laural, posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:01:35
Laural,
You know, I have to tell someone this. Sometimes, I get this image of putting a gun to the side of my temple and pulling the trigger. A fantasy really since I have never seen or touched a gun. I don't think it is necessaryily the dying that I fantasize about as much the violent action that is involved. The action of doing something destructive and violent to myself is what intrigues me.
-Rzip
Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 20:01:21
In reply to Re: Rzip » Rzip, posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:22:31
You know as I sit here at the library getting ready to write my paper, I can not help but think how lucky and fortunate I am to be studying here. I have a chance at a great future. My first therapist once told me to stop and smell the roses. At times like this, I try to act out his advice. The only useful advice he has ever given me really. He wasn't a bad person. But he was not a very good therapist. I know too much about him. He was too needy, and hence was not honoring his professional duties. For instance, I know that he feels guilty about not getting to know his father too well before he died. I know that he is really proud of himself that he was able to get his PsyD. He is a psychologist. I needed him once to write a letter for my school in order for me to resume my studies here. That was the sole purpose of my visits with him. Althrough at times, it was therapeutic. But I wasn't too interested. I guess it never really occurred to me that I actually had a problem. He never told me that I have a problem, or an illness. I feel that he is not a very good therapist. But I like his business style. I wanted a letter and he delivered. In that light, we had a good relationship. Money talks, that is what I walked away thinking. I did have a crush on him through. At the time I was seeing him, I was also trying to get my hands on as much psychiatry books as possible. Of course, I read up on the guidelines for psychotherapy--then I used it against him to get what I wanted. He wasn't a good therapist because I was able to pull his legs and toy with him. I do not think he realized it. Didn't really do me any good, except allow me to resume my studies here. He was the kind of therapist who has his own package of problems. It was just a job for him. Too bad. I think he did care about my welfare a bit. But he did not take the time to be tough with me. To really provide me with therapy.
That is what is so sad about my current therapist at school. She has the capability and the willingness to help me. But I resist her consciously (actually mostly unconsciously). I guess the main problem is that I am trying to concentrate on my studies here, and to allow her to probe into me would be a big distraction. It is so sad...she can really help me. She is disciplined and experienced enough. I feel so guilty because I know that now I am not ready to undergo psychotherapy since my studies is my number one priority. Everything and everyone else do not matter. But the funny thing is that my defenses has been worn down by all the depressions, the sickening fantasies that never materialize, and all the loss of concentration, the decline in academic performance...all of them can be directed back to whatever illness/problem I have. It is just a real dilemma.
I finally scheduled another session with her. This time, we are going to just work on the side effects (my declining academic performance) rather than the real problem-- my lonliness due to my incapability to connect with people in real time. Hopefully, she can alleviate some of stress and such. I want, I am ready for her to tell me what to do as far as my academic life is concerned. I am willing to give up everything else (my parents, my income, my home) in exchange for the scholarly knowledge and my undergraduate degree. That is how much school means to me. It is my sole foundation. I know that it sounds unbalanced and I have a lot to work through in order to build a firmer self-esteem. But, I live in the real time and life is tough. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it, or die trying.
Which goes back to my original intention for writing. I need to remind myself to stop and smell the roses. I am getting a very grand undergraduate education and it is something to be treasured within its own right. Now, I am going to start my paper...
-Rzip
Posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 20:56:20
In reply to Re: Rzip » Rzip, posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:22:31
> Laural,
>
> You know, I have to tell someone this. Sometimes, I get this image of putting a gun to the side of my temple and pulling the trigger. A fantasy really since I have never seen or touched a gun. I don't think it is necessaryily the dying that I fantasize about as much the violent action that is involved. The action of doing something destructive and violent to myself is what intrigues me.
>
> -Rzip
Only you know best when this daydream threatens to become a nightmare. It seems pretty obvious to me that you might have borderline personality disorder. I don't think you sound bipolar, although OCD might be a factor--you seem to obsess a lot. Please check out this site and see if any of the symptoms apply to you--you will know in your gut, and you don't have to report back if you feel uncomfortable. I would love to continue to hear from you, but you should be aware that i can't be everything to you. I don't have all the answers. you know i heard a story about a guy who tried to kill himself with a gun and he ended up blowing off part of his face and head but didn't end up getting the part of the brain pertinent toward keeping the body alive--he was a vegatable for the rest of his life. . .take good care, laural
Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 21:54:56
In reply to reference, posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 20:56:20
Laural,
Thank You for all the advices, and mainly for the continual line of communication.
Through your initial official introduction on this board (in addition to the other recent posts), I got to know you a little bit. However, I would like to get to know you a bit more. How are you doing these days?
-Rzip
This is the end of the thread.
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