Posted by Rzip on October 22, 2000, at 13:08:50
In reply to Rzip, posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 3:34:06
> Laural,
I am 21 years old, getting an undergraduate degree in Biology. I am currently a 3rd year. I love school. I love the stability of studying. You know you just go from one grade to the next year after year. Gaining knowledge and respect as you move forward.
My goal right now is to get my bachelor degree. Before I came to college, before I had my mental breakdown, before my medical leave of absence in my 2nd year--I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to have a M.D. and a Ph.D. High school was very easy for me, and I thought college and Medical school? would be the same. I was wrong. I could always blame my problem on my college. It has been quietly known for pushing students to the edge. But, looking back, I am grateful for the "opportunities" the school has given me to find myself. I feel very fortunate toward my school to allow me to resume my studies after my leave of absence. It still is tough at time to concentrate on my studies because I love it so much that it upsets me when I do not do well academically.
Like I said, my career goals has changed. I have came to learn and accept my strengths and weaknesses. I am probably going to work in a scientific company after graduation from college. The idea of becoming a doctor still burns in my hearts. And I cry (as I am right now) every time I think about not being able to attain my ultimate dream (Physician). Somehow, I just feel like I can do good and be content if I become a doctor. I want to reach out and help people, to connect with people so much. In reality, I am so shy and anxious in social situations. But in my fantasies (I fantasy a lot), I see myself as the rescuer in a crisis. I don't know if I am obsessed with becoming a doctor; or because deep down in my hearts, I know that it is the profession for me. It just hurts so much to see that dream ebb away. Currently, I do have the grades to get into Medical school. Also, I do not know how to explain the leave of absence. It just is so upsetting.
I am not sure how to explain what my problem is. Offhand, I would pick lonliness and anxiety. My therapist says I am close to psychotic, but not quite there. That's the other thing, I don't know what to do about my therapist. It is a real dilemma. She obviously care and want to see me "get well". However, I have a lot of defense mechanisms created within me that prevents people from penetrating into my heart and mind. I am so resistant toward her that we never really formed an intense therapeutic relationship. Everything is just in limbo with her right now. I think she is a little frustrated with me. I sent her an e-mail yesterday reassuring her that I am doing o.k. and I am getting therapy everyday from this service.
So, the bottom line is that I do not have a diagnosis. I am not taking any medications. I just let my body and mind suffer through the depression episodes the natural way. It is hard to go through it, but I haven't real seriously thought about suicide during those episodes in the past one and half years. So I guess I am safe without pills. It feels so great to "come back" and feel normal again, like right now, and know that I got out of it on my own (as opposed to pills). I am religiously and affirmatively against taking medications for whatever my problem is. That is the other thing that frustrates my therapist.My biggest problem is that I am not quite sure people exists. I have a very internal mind, and have a tendency to live in it (just me and my world). I truly think that this site has helped me a great deal in reaching out. It is going to be my life-line in crisis.
I had a very controversial introduction, and I would prefer you to know me as I am right now. A lot of people on this board are put off by me, and they don't write to me anymore. They did at the beginning, but not any more :-( That is very very sad for me because this is on-line...no wonder I do not have any friends in real-life. Everyone is scared, puzzled, or something of me, and they do not talk to me. But, then again, I am not exactly the out-going type either. I am so lonely. Please keep talking and writing to me, Laural.
-Rzip
poster:Rzip
thread:1432
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1441.html