Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:01:35
In reply to Re: Rzip, posted by laural on October 24, 2000, at 10:38:12
> Oh Laural,
I have already taken a medical leave in my second year here. I left for two semesters. If was both good (I had a good job and made good money), and bad (I was miserable that I was not working on my degree). Anyway, when I came back, the director of my counseling center said that my resume of studies here is conditional of periodically checking in with my therapist, and I was not to leave for another reason. Consider that I did something very bad behaviorally, hence was asked to take the medical leave of absence, I have always been very grateful to even resume my studies here. I really love my university, my studies, and the academic environment here. Anyway, I really do not see another medical leave as an option. I am very determined to finish my studies here. I only have one and half more years to go. It is a struggle to concentrate, to focus these days. Like today, I am simply just not productive. In fact, I have been having these anxieties attacks. I ended going to the bookstore and buying two books on Manic-depression and Borderline patients. I am hoping that knowledge will calm me down. I should be using my time wisely to study for my Biological diversity quiz tomorrow. Ahhh! It is so not fair to have this chronic problem. I am recognizing it as a chronic problem now.
I also made an appointment with my therapist for next week. Too bad it is not this week. You know, I am sweating, and shaking. And at times today, it is hard to breath. I had these symptoms before. There is a crisis line and all that at my school. But, I have been instructed to only talk to my therapist. Since I am resistant against her, that option is not too appealing either. At times like this, and I had them numerous times before-- I always wonder what to do? What to do? Take this service for instance, it helps a great deal to talk and write...but in order to concentrate on my studies, I do not want to devote too much energy to this. But I am in need of you guys so much. I hate HATE these rollercoaster rides. Of course, I should be put on meds. But I am very much against that also. I can try and list my reasonings:
1) I love my mind. At peaceful and limbo times, it is my friend. Drugs will take my mind away.
2) I am too arrogant to take meds. A costly attitude to be held hostage by pride and upbringing.
3) Psychiatric meds are in testing trials by virtue of history. Too many uncertainties. Too many trial and errors. I can not put myself through it.
4) Inconvience...my therapist is a Ph.D. Of the five psychiatrists at my counseling clinic, I only know three of them. I do not trust people in general, antisocial and all that...so if I am going to be prescribed meds (I am slowly giving into the idea, especially in the manic times--anything, anything to take the discomfort AWAY). I am actally both extremely afraid and fascinated by psychiastrists...the three I know: One is a bit of a pill-pushed (bad); one is the director of the clinic (it would be interesting to talk to him again; to be prescribed meds??? I am not so sure I am welcomed to that idea); and the last one is someone I have a crush on, but never met face to face. The bottom-line is that I am as much more eager to meet the psychiastrists as to actually be prescribed meds by them. Too much of a risk to be taking meds. I have faith in my natural biological system. I just do not think psychiastrists by definition are too understanding of that. Faith and naturality. Anyway, I currently fantasize about being prescribed meds by one of the three psychiastrists a great deal. That probably means that I am weakening my stubborness...I do not know.I think writing this is actually making me feel temporaryily better. Thank you, Laural.
-Rzip
poster:Rzip
thread:1432
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1570.html