Posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 20:01:21
In reply to Re: Rzip » Rzip, posted by Rzip on October 24, 2000, at 16:22:31
You know as I sit here at the library getting ready to write my paper, I can not help but think how lucky and fortunate I am to be studying here. I have a chance at a great future. My first therapist once told me to stop and smell the roses. At times like this, I try to act out his advice. The only useful advice he has ever given me really. He wasn't a bad person. But he was not a very good therapist. I know too much about him. He was too needy, and hence was not honoring his professional duties. For instance, I know that he feels guilty about not getting to know his father too well before he died. I know that he is really proud of himself that he was able to get his PsyD. He is a psychologist. I needed him once to write a letter for my school in order for me to resume my studies here. That was the sole purpose of my visits with him. Althrough at times, it was therapeutic. But I wasn't too interested. I guess it never really occurred to me that I actually had a problem. He never told me that I have a problem, or an illness. I feel that he is not a very good therapist. But I like his business style. I wanted a letter and he delivered. In that light, we had a good relationship. Money talks, that is what I walked away thinking. I did have a crush on him through. At the time I was seeing him, I was also trying to get my hands on as much psychiatry books as possible. Of course, I read up on the guidelines for psychotherapy--then I used it against him to get what I wanted. He wasn't a good therapist because I was able to pull his legs and toy with him. I do not think he realized it. Didn't really do me any good, except allow me to resume my studies here. He was the kind of therapist who has his own package of problems. It was just a job for him. Too bad. I think he did care about my welfare a bit. But he did not take the time to be tough with me. To really provide me with therapy.
That is what is so sad about my current therapist at school. She has the capability and the willingness to help me. But I resist her consciously (actually mostly unconsciously). I guess the main problem is that I am trying to concentrate on my studies here, and to allow her to probe into me would be a big distraction. It is so sad...she can really help me. She is disciplined and experienced enough. I feel so guilty because I know that now I am not ready to undergo psychotherapy since my studies is my number one priority. Everything and everyone else do not matter. But the funny thing is that my defenses has been worn down by all the depressions, the sickening fantasies that never materialize, and all the loss of concentration, the decline in academic performance...all of them can be directed back to whatever illness/problem I have. It is just a real dilemma.
I finally scheduled another session with her. This time, we are going to just work on the side effects (my declining academic performance) rather than the real problem-- my lonliness due to my incapability to connect with people in real time. Hopefully, she can alleviate some of stress and such. I want, I am ready for her to tell me what to do as far as my academic life is concerned. I am willing to give up everything else (my parents, my income, my home) in exchange for the scholarly knowledge and my undergraduate degree. That is how much school means to me. It is my sole foundation. I know that it sounds unbalanced and I have a lot to work through in order to build a firmer self-esteem. But, I live in the real time and life is tough. I guess I just have to learn to deal with it, or die trying.
Which goes back to my original intention for writing. I need to remind myself to stop and smell the roses. I am getting a very grand undergraduate education and it is something to be treasured within its own right. Now, I am going to start my paper...
-Rzip
poster:Rzip
thread:1432
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1583.html