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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by JenStar on November 9, 2004, at 10:28:27
In reply to Where is The One?, posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 23:50:54
hi Susan,
back to the practical self here (sorry, can't help it!)Are there places you can go out & meet guys - maybe singles groups, on-line dating, set-ups from friends? I know it really sucks to jump into the dating world....but you have a lot to offer. You are a really neat person. You should get out there and show those guys what you got goin' on!
I hope you meet someone special soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
JenStar
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 13:50:59
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by JenStar on November 9, 2004, at 10:28:27
Hi Jenstar, I'm not into working for a relationship. If it happens, it happens but if not, I'm quite happy just to moan and groan about it.
By the way, Dinah is awesome .. I've never known anybody to give so much, for what seems to be so little in return.
Posted by sunny10 on November 9, 2004, at 14:06:04
In reply to Re: Where is The One?, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 13:50:59
Susan,
It sounds to me that all you need is to find a grown up that you can moan and groan WITH. I think that's the "work" that relationship take.
You have to be willing to moan and groan about how NOT perfect love can be, together! A kindred soul that feels the same about the whole thing is what The One is all about.
The One is not Prince Charming on a white horse, covering you with garments and diamonds! The One is the one you share LIFE with. And LIFE isn't all roses- but it's all you HAVE to share.
I think THAT's the point. Dinah is right, any kindred spirit is The One. And AdaGrace is also right, the one you're with is The One. Because whomever you're with at any given moment is The One you share your life with. This very moment you are with "The One"- the babble family. You are sharing your life with us. For the Amorous part of yourself, you chose one person (sayeth the Bible/Torah, whatever- the primate in you says "I'll take whatever I want") that you are physically attracted to to be The One you are sharing life with.
And it's ok, too, if you just don't feel like sharing right now! I refused to "share" for two years to give myself a break and screw my head on straight(er). Then my hormones jumped up and said "HI" when I laid eyes on my now SO...
We have our issues- almost every week! But then the rest of the week, we "share".
Ok, ok, sermon over, time for sunny10 to shut the H**LL up, no need to tell me....
-mmmmuuunnmmppfff (lips are sealed, signing off)
Posted by AuntieMel on November 9, 2004, at 14:07:54
In reply to Where is The One?, posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 23:50:54
Friendship first. My hubby and I became friends the day we met. Both of us were seeing others, but when we were at gatherings together we ended up talking, and talking forever.
The romantic part started about a year later.
We just had our 22nd 'official' anniversery and our 25th 'unofficial' one.
Posted by sunny10 on November 9, 2004, at 14:10:30
In reply to Re: Remember » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on November 9, 2004, at 14:07:54
You go, girl !
You give me faith and hope...
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 15:41:55
In reply to Re: Remember » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on November 9, 2004, at 14:07:54
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 15:44:02
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on November 9, 2004, at 14:06:04
Okay the first paragraph of your post stopped me dead in gales of laughter. Wow, talk about right on. :)
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 15:47:20
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on November 9, 2004, at 14:06:04
I hope I'm not banned again, I'm post three in a row, and I got a bit rowdy above somewhere on the board. Sunny you're so right, every moment counts as part of the big One, you guys are all so eloquent I love this place! No matter the bad reviews from other quarters, I see only what I need to see. Oops, so said the ostrich.
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2004, at 19:38:16
In reply to Re: Is there such a thing? » Dinah, posted by JenStar on November 9, 2004, at 10:25:34
Thanks. :) I think my husband and I are both really strong on commitment and that gets us through the periods when we aren't feeling all that loving, back to the periods why we remember why we chose each other. Like Mel and her husband, we were friends first and basically liked each other.
My husband laughs at what I think are the most romantic moments in film. It isn't Rhett sweeping Scarlett up the stairs. It's John Goodman's character telling Sally Field's character that her awful new perm looks wonderful in "Punchline".
Posted by jujube on November 9, 2004, at 20:49:29
In reply to Re: Remember » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on November 9, 2004, at 14:07:54
When I hear stories like yours, I become less disillusioned about marriage. I haven't seen that many happy marriages, starting with my parents, so I've always that "what's the point, he'll just leave anyway" (which is strange, because I am not, by nature, a negative person). But, occasionally I hear of or see people who have been married a long time, and seem genuinely happy to be together and spend time with each other. It's inspiring!
Tamara
> Friendship first. My hubby and I became friends the day we met. Both of us were seeing others, but when we were at gatherings together we ended up talking, and talking forever.
>
> The romantic part started about a year later.
>
> We just had our 22nd 'official' anniversery and our 25th 'unofficial' one.
Posted by sunny10 on November 10, 2004, at 11:44:25
In reply to Re: Where is The One?, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 15:47:20
Does the ostrich population have a queen? I think I'm the queen of the ostriches!!!
But the sand is always so warm and comforting... Of course, the down comforter on my bed is the same (especially up over my head!)... preferably my SO is under there with me (wink,wink, nudge, nudge)Our idea of being The One for each other is allowing the other to have their "ugh, I just don't want to deal with life right now" moments !
Just being given permission to "just BE" with each other is such a relief from the expectations from the rest of the world...
And why the personality "crashes" are so difficult when they inevitably come up from time to time- but, life is like that, and no too people are exactly alike.
Thank goodness- I would drive myself crazy having to put up with me every day!!!
Posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:45:15
In reply to Where is The One?, posted by Susan47 on November 8, 2004, at 23:50:54
I hope he stumbles across you.
Me, I'm so far gone at this point the whole concept of partnering disgusts me.
I recently realized that I have never enjoyed "lovemaking"; always believed it was supposed to be just that, a deeply moving, intensely shared intimacy, expressing mutual tenderness, love, devotion, and respect. Never happened that way fo me.
Any kind of affection or giving gesture from a man has always set off the SEX ALERT in my mind and body, making me feel like he only makes the effort so he can get his sexual satisfaction. Kinda like he only plugs in a tool and turns it on so he can do a job with it, clean up, and put it away on the shelf til next time. (With the tools symbolizing me)
Strange as it may seem, having this pervasive perception makes the idea of another romantic relationship completely absurd.
However, if The One does pass by, I'll be sure and refer him to you.
still just plain jane the pain
Posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 8:46:57
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:45:15
obviously, your past "lovers" (using that term loosely in this case) didn't do ANYTHING right...
But that doesn't mean NO ONE will!
Don't give up- endorphin rushes are important... No, sorry, seriously, human interaction is important, but there is no law that says you MUST "couple up". If you are REALLY completely content with yourself and don't WISH to be with anyone, you are entitled to do just that.
But if you WANT that, deep inside, you can't "give up" just because it's hard. Otherwise, you are denying yourself someting. In that sense, you would be "abusing" yoursef "self" of something it craved...
Only you can be sure which scenario is true for you. I wish only great things for you, either way!
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:24:05
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:45:15
Yes, I know what you mean, I've always felt like a tool for the man's sexual satisfaction. It's a lousy feeling and there's no mood involved when that happens (always). I don't know when it started to get that way for me and I don't know if it's over because I haven't had sex with a man for nearly a year. I don't suppose I ever will have sex again, not real live sex anyway with another human being. I don't want to feel like a tool for someone's gratification and I don't want to use anyone like that either. So even though I talk about sex a lot, it's wishful thinking and some kind of far-of remembrance of when things were good, for a very short while (I think I was 18).
Ilove that we can communicate these things with each other. You're a good communicator, JPJ.
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:28:30
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:45:15
Posted by just plain jane on November 13, 2004, at 21:53:58
In reply to JPJ if he stumbles does that mean he's drunk? (nm), posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:28:30
I love it too... :)
It only means he's drunk if that's how YOU want him to be, cause, honey, THE ONE is gonna be just EXACTLY the way you want him.
just plain(snickering) jane
Posted by just plain jane on November 13, 2004, at 21:57:38
In reply to Just plain Jane, posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:24:05
<<< I don't suppose I ever will have sex again, not real live sex anyway with another human being. >>>
So, um, we're talking fake dead sex anyway with what... an amoeba???
yours in all assininity, jane
Posted by just plain jane on November 14, 2004, at 1:45:40
In reply to Re: Where is The One? » just plain jane, posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 8:46:57
Endorphin rushes... ahhhh, yes!!! ;) So, you never saw my post about the 25,000 rpm Chiropractic Massage Genie, eh? (big TOOTHY grin)
and I couldn't help but laugh -- your undoubtedly unintentional pun:
"But if you WANT that, deep inside... " (snickering again)
Truly, I appreciate your input. It would be great to be able to tell you, "yeah, it's true, the lovers of my past have really SUCKED" (pun not intended) BUT, such is not the case. Some of them have been considerate, aiming to please, and as far as physical pleasure, A#1. And most have been happy to get their rocks off and pretty much oblivious to the fact that it was a real live woman with whom they were supposed to be making love, instead of their old blow-up doll they used to fnck.
And, for my part and for what it was worth, I have sometimes physically enjoyed those physical pleasures, but always felt, emotionally, dirty, used (sometimes by my own self), like the sex was the only reason they were around, and just a general overall "what the heII is this for?"
Probably a great deal of it is my upbringing by a woman who made it clear that all men wanted was to have a woman barefoot, pregnant, and chained to the stove, while he was out fusking around. That's an extremely nutshelled summary. Being the youngest, and four years behind the next older, schoolwise, Mom had me to herself those first four years, and, suffice it to say, she behaved very poorly with me.
So, I enjoy sharing much more emotional pleasure with my family, that being my son and our numerous dogs, horses and cat, than I have experienced in all the "romance" in my life.
Right now, I am content with this. I cannot predict the future.
I still experience those pheromonal exchanges when there's a mutual attraction, and I enjoy them for what they are, hormonal/psychological "tastes". Not something I desire to indulge in further, the "taste" was the best part and everything else would be downhill from there.
One aspect of my PTSD is from being violently sexually assaulted at nineteen, but the lack of pleasure didn't begin there. What began there was the downright horror, the extreme physical pain and the never-ending replay, "get it over, get off, get away from me", which I had to cover up with "normal" behavior in my relationships.
It was only two years ago, twenty years after the attack, that I finally broke down and started dealing with it. And, in the process, with all these other aspects of sexuality.
Another chapter synopsized.
Thank you for you wishes.
I get some pretty good rushes running POWER equipment, by the way... chainsaw, limb saw, weed eaters, pretty much anything I can rip the shyt out of something with or make metal melt.
Great Grin
just plain up-too-late jane
Posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 9:44:47
In reply to long buncha shyt » sunny10, posted by just plain jane on November 14, 2004, at 1:45:40
My life of sex can be summed up in one sentence.
I was emotionally attatched to everyone I came in contact with, except my husband.
However, many of the partners were not. I spent my first experience with my now husband in a bed (pre-marital), but it was not beautiful like I thought it would be. It was unfullfilling to say the least. Poy boy, he just didn't know. During our turmoiled early pre-marriage relationship, I spent some time with others (during breakups of course) Noone was different, so I thought that was how it was. I thought it was up to me to please myself. After three kids in 5 years and "don't even look at me or I will get pregnant" I learned to please myself. I thought that was how it was. After a while I determined that I could be pleased with hubby if I played a game where I was in control or in a sick porno movie. That is how it was for me for 20 years. Sometimes it was good, most of the time it was not. It was "dirty sex", not love. Poor hubby thought differently, but that made no matter I did not feel the love. When I met someone else, things changed for me. I found out what "making love" was. I found out what multiples were. I found out what it was like when two people love each other and share that with their hearts, minds, and bodies. I found out that my heart could and was broken when I could no longer have that "making love" experience. Now I am just saddened by the whole thing. I can't feel that with hubby, and I don't ever think I ever did, or will. I even did something to try to rectify it. (No pun intended - EXIT only) That experience only left me emptier than before. For a while I thought it was good, because I wanted to be with husband again. That lasted about two days, and since I couldn't (explanations given in e-mail) that feeling of wanting to left on the bus to Houston. I can't seem to get past my experiences and experience again. Is it the medicine? Is it my mind? Or is it just me? I am emotionally detatched from my body, and everyone around me. I feel empathy for others, but not real emotions. Sex for me is Love and therefore I cannot separate the two anymore. Is that bad? Not sure. All I know is that I do not ever want to have SEX again. I would love to MAKE LOVE, but not have sex. Houston, we have a problem........
Ada talking too much Grace
Posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 11:35:37
In reply to long buncha shyt » sunny10, posted by just plain jane on November 14, 2004, at 1:45:40
I love your posts, old girl, they make me laugh and wow I can relate we are sisters, babe. 'nuff said.
Posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 11:38:41
In reply to Re: long buncha shyt » just plain jane, posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 9:44:47
Your message is so so sad. But you know, I don't think not having sex is a bad thing, and knowing what sex and love feel like together is wonderful but it's the old adage; now you know what you're missing.
:(
Posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 20:10:07
In reply to Ada,, posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 11:38:41
But I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am so tired of it.
Posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 21:38:33
In reply to Re: Ada, » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 20:10:07
Love with, that you're sad?
Posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 22:19:06
In reply to AdaGrace, Is it because you have no one to Make, posted by Susan47 on November 14, 2004, at 21:38:33
And can't be with the one I love..
Posted by sunny10 on November 15, 2004, at 13:22:27
In reply to Re: It's because I don't love the one I am with » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 22:19:06
So, we're back to that. AdaGrace, making love can be all things. From everything that you have said, sex is mechanical with hubby. And hubby doesn't know/doesn't care; just wants to get his rocks off. Did I read through the lines correctly?
You mention not wanting to teach him how to please you/how to turn sex into making love. That seems dirty to you, do I infer correctly?
Maybe the key is to ask your T to help YOU understand that sex is not dirty and that it's ok to advocate for yourself and THEN teach your hubby how differently it feel to make love rather than have sex.
After all, if his attitude is "I don't care HOW we do it, as long as we do it", show him how YOU want to do it. You might want to check into the Kama Sutra- the pictures will excite him into giving the idea a try, but the actual "practices" involve a lot of tantra. And tantra is all about being INVOLVED IN THE LOVEMAKING PROCESS, which is what you two can practice. Before long it will no longer be practice- you'll be making love.
Just a thought- I just can't get mine to stay awake as much as I'd like- it's advice, take it or leave. When I get depressed, I can't see options. If that is where you are, emotionally, I just thought I'd offer one that you may not have seen.
What do you think?
-sunny10
This is the end of the thread.
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