Posted by AdaGrace on November 14, 2004, at 9:44:47
In reply to long buncha shyt » sunny10, posted by just plain jane on November 14, 2004, at 1:45:40
My life of sex can be summed up in one sentence.
I was emotionally attatched to everyone I came in contact with, except my husband.
However, many of the partners were not. I spent my first experience with my now husband in a bed (pre-marital), but it was not beautiful like I thought it would be. It was unfullfilling to say the least. Poy boy, he just didn't know. During our turmoiled early pre-marriage relationship, I spent some time with others (during breakups of course) Noone was different, so I thought that was how it was. I thought it was up to me to please myself. After three kids in 5 years and "don't even look at me or I will get pregnant" I learned to please myself. I thought that was how it was. After a while I determined that I could be pleased with hubby if I played a game where I was in control or in a sick porno movie. That is how it was for me for 20 years. Sometimes it was good, most of the time it was not. It was "dirty sex", not love. Poor hubby thought differently, but that made no matter I did not feel the love. When I met someone else, things changed for me. I found out what "making love" was. I found out what multiples were. I found out what it was like when two people love each other and share that with their hearts, minds, and bodies. I found out that my heart could and was broken when I could no longer have that "making love" experience. Now I am just saddened by the whole thing. I can't feel that with hubby, and I don't ever think I ever did, or will. I even did something to try to rectify it. (No pun intended - EXIT only) That experience only left me emptier than before. For a while I thought it was good, because I wanted to be with husband again. That lasted about two days, and since I couldn't (explanations given in e-mail) that feeling of wanting to left on the bus to Houston. I can't seem to get past my experiences and experience again. Is it the medicine? Is it my mind? Or is it just me? I am emotionally detatched from my body, and everyone around me. I feel empathy for others, but not real emotions. Sex for me is Love and therefore I cannot separate the two anymore. Is that bad? Not sure. All I know is that I do not ever want to have SEX again. I would love to MAKE LOVE, but not have sex. Houston, we have a problem........
Ada talking too much Grace
poster:AdaGrace
thread:413584
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041106/msgs/415761.html