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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
not sure how to talk about this. so i guess i'll just throw it out there.
i can't handle any criticism right now so please hold off on any...please.it started last weekend. i think because of the holidays, i started feeling 'out of touch' with myself. kind of dissociating, derealization kinds of things.
we had house guests sat night. i wasn't feeling well (emotionally) so i went to bed early my DH stayed up and drank with them.
he came to bed crawled in and started caressing me, i woke up and saw it was 2:50am. he wouldn't stop, i kept saying no as gently as i could and i'd move but he wouldn't stop. i switched to teen, but instead of being angry like she usually is, i froze up (like i did with the HS incident), i could barely talk, (i) was scared he was going to r@pe me....
now my DH can get mad and passive aggressive, and a jerk, but i dont think he'd EVER force himself on me knowing i didn't want to. especially cuz he does know that i was r@ped in HS.
but i couldn't get that out of (my) head. teen was down to a whisper, i kept pushing him off, he would stop but then if my leg accidentally touched his he'd start up again. Finally he stopped. but i was up for the next hour and 1/2. (4:30) i finally got to sleep.
**************************
why did this trigger me? normally if he makes advances i try gently no at first but then get pissy and he always backs off.
************************the next day i went out christmas shopping with my SIL and my DH is so worried about money right now (though i think i was pretty darn thrify) and when we got home and she left he started to yell about how much i spent and blah blah, then he started adding up things and included stuff like our mortgage, our car payment, and other bills and although i only spent $200 he made it out that ive put us in debt $5,000!! now i KNOW his thinking wasn't right, and he was just adding all kinds of things that we dont even owe right now. but i started to dissociate again.
he went downstairs and i went to bed....one of the comments he made was "why is it i can never buy what 'I' want too...i think that's what did it. because i started awake dreaming while i was in bed trying to sleep that he came upstairs and r@ped me saying 'for once i'm going to get what "I" want"...i lost it, i totally dissociated to teen and ran into the bathroom tearing it apart looking for something to SI with. i did. pretty nasty too. even when i was done i wasn't calm
i had to go take my zyprexa and a xanax to see if that would help. and even that was hard cuz i wanted to OD on my meds.
i got my music on and finally i was able to freeze up and not injure anymore. but the whole while i was crying hysterically. (during SI and after). my DH feel asleep downstairs that night. i was kind of grateful.was out of it yesterday.
kind of ok today, but emotionally all over the place.*******************
the worst part is i have something else to talk to my T about that's important and i know if i talk about this i wont have time to talk about the other and it's a little more pressing.
so, i guess i had to tell someone. i've been wanting to post since tuesday, but i just couldn't. embarrassed maybe, ashamed maybe too.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 4, 2008, at 8:43:11
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
Oh, sweetie...I am so sorry. I don't know if I understood....did your H r**e you, or were you dreaming?
This must be terrible for you. I haven't experienced that......I hope you will talk to your t about it....my love and sympathy go out to you.
Hugs, Sassy
your H sounds verbally abusive: The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (after enduring 31 years of verbal abuse)
Posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:50:10
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
Please try not to feel embarrassed and ashamed; it's a very natural reaction.
I'm sorry your DH forced himself on you. That's terribly hard for you to deal with given your history. I'm just so sorry it had to happen. And I hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly.
I'm familiar with your DH's "money" argument; mine does that to me all the time because he knows how much it presses my buttons. He is more prone to it when sex is an issue between us.
Take a deep breath, take your meds if you need them, properly, and talk to your T. You say you have other things to discuss, but please try to bring this up because it's huge.
Be gentle on yourself. You are a wonderful person. A good mother, I know it, and remember how much joy your daughter (right?) brings you. It can help hold you.
I'm glad you posted. This was so difficult, and I admire your courage. Try to remember that this will pass, and better times will come if you deal w/it as quickly as possible. Or put it away so you don't get overwhelmed.
take care of yourself as best as you can.
love,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 9:09:41
In reply to Re: **Triggering** weekend...., posted by antigua3 on December 4, 2008, at 8:50:10
sassy, my DH was all over me but never 'forced' himself...inside. he just woulnd't stop 'trying'.
the second, i dreamed it, but i was trying to get to sleep but i was still awake...like a daydream gone bad.
**************
thanks so much antigua.
i think you're right i do need to mention it to T.
i printed out a copy of my post incase i dont know how to say it. i mean i said it ok to you right?well daycare just called and i my littleone has a temp so i have to go pick her up...but i just CANT cancel T appt. so if littleone is up for it, i'll take her along.
i feel awful doing that, but i just KNOW i cant wait another week without talking to t.and i wish i could be around to see any other posts. '
but please continue, i'll read more tomorrow.
thank you all
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on December 4, 2008, at 9:18:42
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
There's no need to feel ashamed. I know there are couples where it's ok to make sexual overtures at night, but it's not ok in other couples. The link to his outburst about money is so clear that that would be another case of pressuring you to do something or punishing you for not performing.
I'm very sensitive myself to issues of control and force in sexuality. Is it possible to discuss this with him when the iron is cool? Make sure he understands it isn't a rejection of him, but that it brings feelings that you can't totally control, and that you'd prefer your sexual feelings for him didn't have to get confused with old feelings?
Am I remembering right that he's been having difficulty with sex because of pregnancy fears? That might make him feel even more vulnerable.
I'm not excusing him and I'm not in any way criticizing you. I'm with you on this. Sexual advances when I'm asleep are *not* ok with me. They may be ok with some couples, and that's wonderful. But in a marriage, couples should be respectful of that sort of thing. Maybe he needs reminding?
Sex is one of those issues that is hard to talk about, and where we make tons of assumptions to fill in the blanks. It's been really helpful in my marriage to talk about things that to me should have been self evident, in a calm and respectful way. And to listen too, of course.
It's always hard for me to bring up self injury with my therapist. I always am afraid he'll be angry or disappointed. So I always make sure I do talk about it. And he tries to make sure that I feel safe doing it. I hope you bring it up with your therapist and pdoc. I've found as needed meds very helpful in this type of situation.
Posted by Poet on December 4, 2008, at 10:57:49
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
Hi B2Chica,
Please don't feel ashamed, you were in emotional pain and you did what you felt you needed to do.
My husband and I fight over money constantly. He keeps harping that I'm not pulling my own weight because I only have a part-time job. That he gets nothing in return for his hard work. Underlining meaning: I haven't had sex with him in over two years.
I think you were triggered by your DH because he didn't back off like he ususally does and you got overwhelmed with those old feelings of being helpless. I'm sorry you were triggered and I hope you can squeeze in talking about it when you see your T. That you want to talk about it is good, trust me, I still won't say a word to my T and I do question if it would be better to just let it out rather than turn it inward all the time.
Take care and keep us posted on how you're doing.
Poet
Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 16:18:36
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
B2c,Well first, lots of hugs OK? ((((b2c)))) And no shame for talking about these things! And you did good by not going along with things you did not want to do. I agree that this should not happen in a healthy marriage. But having said that, let's look at the rest (>90%) of our marriages ;-)
First of all, you said that he would never force himself on you, especially since he knew about your history in that area. I was really glad to hear this, good for both of you. The thing was that on this occasion, he was unusually persistent, so much so that he made you feel triggered. Was he drunk - was this the alcohol? You said he'd been drinking with your friends after you went to bed. If it was the alcohol, then you need to have a discussion with him about what he cannot allow alcohol to "make him do" and that if he can't control his actions under the influence, then he has to control his drinking. That might be tough to follow up with, but at least it will have been said flat out. Do you consider him having an alcohol or other substance abuse problem?
Have you two ever had marriage counseling? You have described serious arguments and disagreements about money, sex, and parenthood, which just about covers what we all fight about with our spouses. (The big three, supposedly, are sex, money, and parenting - although this may have been from Dr Phil, lol) Is he one of these spouses who does not believe in couples therapy? If so, maybe he can buy into the idea if he realizes that some of those issues he's upset about may actually have a chance of being resolved. Sometimes that does it enough for a trial run.
Now for you - I think you need to talk with your T about that happened. His behavior and your responses and feelings need to be dealt with now ONLY in the context of you alone, and that's best done with your own T. You also need some outside support, because it sounds as if your marriage is sufficiently strained that right now it may feel like more of a burden than a support system. You need someone in your corner who's there just for you. Maybe your T can help you work out something where you can continue individual therapy but also some couples therapy with someone else? If your marriage can be improved, it would probably have an enormously positive effect on you and your own need for therapy. (In case you didn't realize and I'm sure you did, because you are a very perceptive woman, b2c, I am in the same boat and that path is one we have recently taken. We just started some couples counseling (I still go to my own T), and I am starting to hope that some of these long standing arguments of ours might actually be resolvable. My DH was for a long time resistant to therapy, couples or his own, but finally gave way because things were getting so hard between us. This is all to the good, that he's agreed to go.
Good luck, sweetie, B-mail me if you'd rather talk off the board (does he read it?)
All the best,
Lucie
Posted by rskontos on December 4, 2008, at 19:27:36
In reply to Re: **Triggering** weekend...., posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 16:18:36
Hey sweetie,
I am so sorry that you went through this.
Never be afraid to post what happens. I understand how you felt but we love you and want to help. No judgements, Ever!
Remember the emails and phone lines are open. In case you lost those numbers let me know.
Now, everyone is right. If you have something that needs to be discussed with t now you have two somethings.
Give her the printed copy if you have a hard time or you think teen may get angry and try to stop you.
DH was way out of line. He obviously has issues of his own. Take care of you and little one. I am sorry she is sick.
I hope she gets well soon.
Money is always an issue. Sex is always an issue. But you get to have a say when you have it period. My H gets mad but who the hell cares. Well besides him. Not me. I get to say when I have it. Not him. It is a marriage not a job or slavery.
I guess they all thought when they got married they could get it whenever however how often. Wrong. (At least this how a great deal of husbands act, not all but a lot)
I know your h says he will go to counseling but is worried about the money. Maybe you could find a church program with a sliding scale but then he might have another problem. I wonder about his sincerity sometimes.
Just please take care of you.
rsk
Posted by muffled on December 4, 2008, at 23:44:53
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
> we had house guests sat night. i wasn't feeling well (emotionally) so i went to bed early my DH stayed up and drank with them.
> he came to bed crawled in and started caressing me, i woke up and saw it was 2:50am. he wouldn't stop, i kept saying no as gently as i could and i'd move but he wouldn't stop. i switched to teen, but instead of being angry like she usually is, i froze up (like i did with the HS incident), i could barely talk, (i) was scared he was going to r@pe me....*mebbe the alcohol was a trigger, had the guy that r*ped you been drinking?
Ya, when I used to freeze up, my H just eventually back off.
I hit him once, and he weren't happy attall bout THAT.> but i couldn't get that out of (my) head. teen was down to a whisper, i kept pushing him off, he would stop but then if my leg accidentally touched his he'd start up again. Finally he stopped. but i was up for the next hour and 1/2. (4:30) i finally got to sleep.
*see now something like that would set me off for DAYS.
> ************************
but i started to dissociate again.
> because i started awake dreaming while i was in bed> i lost it, i totally dissociated to teen and ran into the > was out of it yesterday.
> kind of ok today, but emotionally all over the place.*see, thats what I talking about, if I been triggered bad, it takes quite awhile to get back down. I am super triggery for many days.
> the worst part is i have something else to talk to my T about that's important and i know if i talk about this i wont have time to talk about the other and it's a little more pressing.*sigh, there just never enuf time at T for it all is there?
Guess you gonna have to pick your priority. Talk bout whats most pressing.
It may be that you were already prime to be triggered by the other pressing thing, before the H trigger.
I dunno, the H trigger and other resulting responses do not seem strange to me. Not at all. I might be more curious as to why you were emotional in the first place and went to bed instead of visiting. But as for being triggered by H and the resulting internal riot, well, that just makes total sense to me, and hopefully it is calmer inside now.> so, i guess i had to tell someone. i've been wanting to post since tuesday, but i just couldn't. embarrassed maybe, ashamed maybe too.
*You got triggered. You did what you had to do to get thru it. I think you did GREAT! There's improvement in your coping as far as I am concerned.
You did the right things, you did ultimately keep yourself safe.
Thats GOOD. It could have been so much worse.
Your awareness of what was going on for you is amazing!
You are most definately making progress.
Which is scarey in of itself, at least I get scared when I progress alot.
But then I just think of my kids. I so want to be a good Mom for my kids.
I hope whatever your other pressing issue is can get some resolution.
Take care.
M
Posted by Phillipa on December 5, 2008, at 0:38:06
In reply to Re: **Triggering** weekend...., posted by muffled on December 4, 2008, at 23:44:53
B2c I can relate to a lot of what you said as first husband was like this. I really feel for you and hope your darling little girl is well also. Will you post back tomorrow and update. And don't be embarrassed. Been there done that. Love Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on December 8, 2008, at 8:50:22
In reply to Re: **Triggering** weekend...., posted by muffled on December 4, 2008, at 23:44:53
> *mebbe the alcohol was a trigger, had the guy that r*ped you been drinking?omg...i never thought of that. he wasn't drunk but i think he was high. he got high all the time and he always had this weird look in his eyes.
in fact that's why i've never done drugs and dont let myself be alone with anyone who does...i don't trust what it does to a person.i think that might have been the trigger muffled.
i can't believe i never saw that.
it was the alcohol and lack of control i knew he had.
This is the end of the thread.
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