Posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
not sure how to talk about this. so i guess i'll just throw it out there.
i can't handle any criticism right now so please hold off on any...please.it started last weekend. i think because of the holidays, i started feeling 'out of touch' with myself. kind of dissociating, derealization kinds of things.
we had house guests sat night. i wasn't feeling well (emotionally) so i went to bed early my DH stayed up and drank with them.
he came to bed crawled in and started caressing me, i woke up and saw it was 2:50am. he wouldn't stop, i kept saying no as gently as i could and i'd move but he wouldn't stop. i switched to teen, but instead of being angry like she usually is, i froze up (like i did with the HS incident), i could barely talk, (i) was scared he was going to r@pe me....
now my DH can get mad and passive aggressive, and a jerk, but i dont think he'd EVER force himself on me knowing i didn't want to. especially cuz he does know that i was r@ped in HS.
but i couldn't get that out of (my) head. teen was down to a whisper, i kept pushing him off, he would stop but then if my leg accidentally touched his he'd start up again. Finally he stopped. but i was up for the next hour and 1/2. (4:30) i finally got to sleep.
**************************
why did this trigger me? normally if he makes advances i try gently no at first but then get pissy and he always backs off.
************************the next day i went out christmas shopping with my SIL and my DH is so worried about money right now (though i think i was pretty darn thrify) and when we got home and she left he started to yell about how much i spent and blah blah, then he started adding up things and included stuff like our mortgage, our car payment, and other bills and although i only spent $200 he made it out that ive put us in debt $5,000!! now i KNOW his thinking wasn't right, and he was just adding all kinds of things that we dont even owe right now. but i started to dissociate again.
he went downstairs and i went to bed....one of the comments he made was "why is it i can never buy what 'I' want too...i think that's what did it. because i started awake dreaming while i was in bed trying to sleep that he came upstairs and r@ped me saying 'for once i'm going to get what "I" want"...i lost it, i totally dissociated to teen and ran into the bathroom tearing it apart looking for something to SI with. i did. pretty nasty too. even when i was done i wasn't calm
i had to go take my zyprexa and a xanax to see if that would help. and even that was hard cuz i wanted to OD on my meds.
i got my music on and finally i was able to freeze up and not injure anymore. but the whole while i was crying hysterically. (during SI and after). my DH feel asleep downstairs that night. i was kind of grateful.was out of it yesterday.
kind of ok today, but emotionally all over the place.*******************
the worst part is i have something else to talk to my T about that's important and i know if i talk about this i wont have time to talk about the other and it's a little more pressing.
so, i guess i had to tell someone. i've been wanting to post since tuesday, but i just couldn't. embarrassed maybe, ashamed maybe too.
poster:B2chica
thread:866613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866613.html