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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Does anyone ever feel like an alien in their own body. I can't organize my thoughts. I feel bad physically. These physical issues are getting the best of me. I am trying to do all the right things, I am exercising and taking my meds and supplements , but in spite of it all, I feel bad. (Now the doctor did say it would take time, I did not get this way overnight)
Therapy is at a point where I need to pardon the pun, but sh@t or get off the pot. I need to totally commit or not. Between feeling badly physically and mentally I want to sign up for a new me!
My p-doc wants me to go to school because he thinks it would be good to use my brain power but quite frankly I feel too badly physically. Now I feel like I am letting him down too.
Too much responsibility.
Life is just too much at times.
You know.
rsk
and i am sorry I keep venting such bad feelings. I hope to be happier sooner....see I even feel bad about telling you guys I feel bad. I am a mess
Posted by JouezMoi on October 22, 2008, at 18:03:21
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Rsk .. I love that, (gotta remember it ... butt sh@t or get off the pot).
I think going to school is a good idea. Many of us have overactive brains ... we overthink things ... take thoughts way out on a tangent and get lost in them somewhere out there in never neverland.
Going to school, especially if it is new sibject matter, would give your brain something to focus on. It worked for me earlier this year, but I had to skip this semester because I am in a new job right now and cant' get the time off.
I know about the physically bad feelings. I've got used to it and learned not to panic over it (after the 20th doctor told me there was nothing wrong with me, test after test came back perfect, and I shelved yet another prescription for anti-depressants .... didn't have the heart to tell them I was off of those).
When your mind feels better, your body will. If the exercise is not working, try distracting your brain with something creative or productive.
Posted by muffled on October 22, 2008, at 18:57:38
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Sorry you struggling so RSK.
Can you get off the pot for a wee bit, then get back on and sh*t another day?
Can you just go back to basics w/T? With stabilization and basic life skills?
I agree its not good when we not occupied.
Is there just a small course you could take to start?
Is there a volunteer opportunity that might lead to a job?
I like volinteer cuz there not huge commitment and not pressure to do some amazing job.
I dunno where you at in T, but what you mean you goto sh*t? Cuz DD stuff takes time and is a slow process....
Goto go, Take care.
One
Posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 19:14:25
In reply to Re: I need a new me...., posted by muffled on October 22, 2008, at 18:57:38
Well muffled, you at least made me laugh! get off for a wee bit and then go back to sh@t another day!
Yeah I know dd stuff takes time but I am not a naturally patient person and this whole spilling your guts out is not natural either to someone that has held all secrets my whole life.
What i mean is I need to commit fully or not at all. I need to try harder and stop babbling each session but say something meaningful. I mean the conversation I have with him in my head so that I at least feel better. But then again I think would I feel better telling him these private thoughts. See what I mean about getting off that wee pot thing? I think myself in circles.
I cannot committ to anything. School, volunteering, I can't find a job I am a) either qualified or b) I find interesting. I could teach but I don't want to. I am burned out on that.
I don't want to volunteer teaching either. I am just burned out on it.
I am also burned out on me.
But thanks for the laugh.
What stabilization and basic life skills. I only seem to possess survival ones.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 19:18:51
In reply to Re: I need a new me...., posted by JouezMoi on October 22, 2008, at 18:03:21
Well JouezMoim
You have given me another angle. It might be too late. My one school has been slow to send in my transcript although I have an official unopened one I could take in to the school I would enroll in. I could just take one class. It is also the economy thing that has me thinking I don't need to spend the extra money.
Heck that dang $$ thing.
Oh I do have things physically wrong. My tests did not come back perfect. And my doc said the meds and supplements will help but will take time. So for now I will feel back. Today is a rough one. I had to lay down for the afternoon. That is why I worry about embarking on a new endeavor like school. It is hard to tell a professor sorry about class I am sickly.
And I need, I have to exercise if I am to get well. It is important. I don't exercise hard. It is imperative to exercise just enough.
I could try to do something creative though.
That is a good idea.
Thanks for the support.
rsk
Posted by stellabystarlight on October 22, 2008, at 21:38:08
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
I wanted to post earlier, but feared that I might bring you down further. But, maybe misery does love company, so...Yes, yes, and yes to all of the above. When I feel down, I physically just crash, and then I can't sleep, which further brings me down, and then it cycles, and well, you get the picture...everything looks bleak.
Sometimes, what works for me is not to fight it so much, but endure it and remind myself that this too shall pass. And it always does at some point. I think venting is good, but movies that make me crack-up or transport me to another world is good. Hugging and loving my wonderful dogs is great. Thanks for sharing your down period as I'm going through a period where I could use a new me as well. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this. :)
Stellabystarlight
Posted by nfc on October 23, 2008, at 7:47:51
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Posted by onceupon on October 23, 2008, at 8:53:00
In reply to Re: I need a new me.... » muffled, posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 19:14:25
> What i mean is I need to commit fully or not at all. I need to try harder and stop babbling each session but say something meaningful. I mean the conversation I have with him in my head so that I at least feel better. But then again I think would I feel better telling him these private thoughts. See what I mean about getting off that wee pot thing? I think myself in circles.
I can empathize with this. Asking myself, why am I in therapy if I can't or won't say the things I need or want to say. It's easier for me to look at your situation and say that maybe it's a cycle. Maybe we dip in and out of disclosing the "deep" stuff and that's OK. Or maybe it takes awhile to get to the deep stuff - and usually it's longer than we might like - and that's OK too. Telling yourself that you need to commit fully or not at all sounds like kind of a setup to me.
Can you maybe commit to practicing the things you want to try? I'm thinking this approach would work best in therapy. And hopefully, it's one that you can enlist your therapist to help you with.
Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2008, at 19:15:18
In reply to Re: I need a new me.... » rskontos, posted by stellabystarlight on October 22, 2008, at 21:38:08
Oh Stella, I am glad you posted and that i did not get you done. I too love movies but for some odd reason I am hooked right now on the political scene. For some reason it takes me away from my problems. It is very left brain for me. So there you have it. I have watched some movies but go right back to CNN or MSNBC after they are over. I like politics in a very detached way. To dissect and pull away and examine the behaviors of all etc. It is fun to see if I am right, sometimes I am. Anyway, I am beginning to understand politics to some extent and I am hooked on the economic situation. This I have some understanding of. my H is an economist in his field with a master's and has taken post graduate training and has taught at the university level. His work is published too. Anyway, I can't explain why it is absorbing me, he is not sure what to make of it but I can update him when he comes home so for that he is happy. So I am not bleak when involved with my politics or economics, except that I am saddened by the downturn of the economy. It is frustrating how bad things are but I am trying to get an understanding of what happened. Again why who the hell knows.
I am glad you understand but sad you are in the same boat I am hoping our ships sail to brighter territories soon :)
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2008, at 19:19:53
In reply to Re: I need a new me...., posted by onceupon on October 23, 2008, at 8:53:00
Onceupon,
An interesting concept that I could be setting myself up. Now that would not surprise me. I think basically I am lazy when it comes to myself. I don't think I really want to do that parenting thing when it comes to me.
So when you ask yourself why are you in therapy if you can't or won't say the things you need or want to say do you answer yourself?
Well I have tried writing a list down. I don't always put everything one the list. I have told him I have better conversations in my head with him than in person. I can't for the life of me remember what he said. Sometimes I fade in and out of therapy. I remember doing this the last session.
I don't always remember things he said. This is unfortunate. But a side effect of having too many voices in ones' head.
rsk
Posted by lucie lu on October 23, 2008, at 19:29:06
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Being on the fence is not a comfortable place to be, at least for me. My T reminds me that therapy is a marathon, not a sprint, and we need to pace ourselves. What would your T say if you asked him specifically how he could help you if you decided to go deeper in your therapy? How he could keep you feeling safe and stable? Let it be a dialogue between you two, instead of you feeling that you have to jump out of the plane without knowing if he packed you a parachute!
And please don't worry about posting, rsk! You are asking good questions.
Lucie
Posted by onceupon on October 23, 2008, at 20:03:29
In reply to Re: I need a new me.... » onceupon, posted by rskontos on October 23, 2008, at 19:19:53
> So when you ask yourself why are you in therapy if you can't or won't say the things you need or want to say do you answer yourself?Yeah, it's because I'm too anxious that she'll ridicule me in some way (hello, childhood stuff), or think less of me, or think I'm crazy, etc., etc. I'm that way with most people though...
I actually wrote down below about not remembering what happens in sessions too...
Posted by rskontos on October 24, 2008, at 10:36:15
In reply to Re: I need a new me.... » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on October 23, 2008, at 19:29:06
Thanks lucie, I will think about this suggestion
rsk
Posted by rskontos on October 24, 2008, at 10:43:12
In reply to Re: I need a new me...., posted by onceupon on October 23, 2008, at 20:03:29
Yeah, it's because I'm too anxious that she'll ridicule me in some way (hello, childhood stuff), or think less of me, or think I'm crazy, etc., etc. I'm that way with most people though...
**This is something I really understand. Sometimes when I am trying to talk about stuff, I don't get it myself and this makes me anxious and then starts a cycle. You know where it is hard when it is stuff you find hard to understand or find the right words. Or it is stuff that is a distant or hazy memory which makes talking about hard although you might need to discuss it. I usually lapse into silence. Then the session seems to disintegrate into one that really what i wanted but one where he thinks I need to stop. But I don't but I don't also have the words to get it back on track. Sigh. Therapy sure is tough when your memories are not your own.
I actually wrote down below about not remembering what happens in sessions too...
**don't you hate this feeling. I do. I usually or have fallen apart after these sessions . And it often surprises me that he, my t, who has according to him, has had a lot of DD/DID patients and he forgets that I do this. oh well, he is retired maybe he forgets. I certainly understand not having memories of stuff. It is only his memories of all my life the stuff I have told him is so accurate considering he takes no notes.
And it isn't that I don't believe he doesn't have experience I feel like he does. I guess it is part of the treatment of DD. I have read up on how that works so I know he is doing the right thing it just sometimes feels wrong.
Again, I feel like I am not making sense.
rsk
Posted by happyflower on October 26, 2008, at 13:13:05
In reply to I need a new me...., posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 17:16:25
Oh, Rk, you are being too hard on yourself. You are in the process of healing in so many ways. It feels awful I know, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once your physical stuff is taken care of, the emotional burden of therapy won't be as heavy, in fact you will be able to process even more deeply I think.
I think not committing to therapy completely may be your body telling you, hey, I need to base one before I can make a homerun. Use therapy for support right now until you get your physical stuff in order. I even wonder if part of the level of feeling so bad is a big part physical.Taking a creative class could make a difference in you too, as long as it isn't too demanding. But just keep in mind in enhancing your creative mind, your past might more readily come to surface. There is so many studies that believe most "artist" or creative types have suffered in their past and their creative ability is enhanced due to their past. Playing music and writing poetry made me feel again. Sometimes it was good, and sometimes it brought back some bad memories. (((((RK))))) you are special and we don't want a new you, just a healed you.
Posted by muffled on October 27, 2008, at 0:54:11
In reply to Re: I need a new me.... » muffled, posted by rskontos on October 22, 2008, at 19:14:25
> Well muffled, you at least made me laugh! get off for a wee bit and then go back to sh@t another day!
* :-o ;-)
> Yeah I know dd stuff takes time but I am not a naturally patient person and this whole spilling your guts out is not natural either to someone that has held all secrets my whole life.
*yeah, I great at avoiding myself...
> What i mean is I need to commit fully or not at all. I need to try harder and stop babbling each session but say something meaningful. I mean the conversation I have with him in my head so that I at least feel better. But then again I think would I feel better telling him these private thoughts. See what I mean about getting off that wee pot thing? I think myself in circles.
*thats why I write to T, cuz verbally i USELESS, and I have a terrible time w/sidetracking T on purpose when i get nervous. I am too good at that, wish I wasn't.
> I cannot committ to anything. School, volunteering, I can't find a job I am a) either qualified or b) I find interesting. I could teach but I don't want to. I am burned out on that.*sorry you feeling bad :-(
> I don't want to volunteer teaching either. I am just burned out on it.
>
> I am also burned out on me.* you depressed right now? or just a part?
> But thanks for the laugh.
*yeah, I love to laff.
> What stabilization and basic life skills. I only seem to possess survival ones.*I dunno, just CBT type basics.
Basics like having good map of system.
Of lsitening and trying to get along.
Of trying to sort out and work out internal conflicts.
Of doing things just for certain parts, so they can feel more accepted.
Or paying bills, and taking care of physical health.
Dealing w/any addictions stuff,
I dunno, stuff like that.
I myself, am fortunate, cuz it all a blank. I got nothing to 'work' on CEPT general stuff like I just wrote.
Rsk, you a good egg.
What does the sh*tt*ng look like? Like is it about 'processing?', that what you mean?
Or you talking bout the 'I word'?
Take care,
Muffled
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