![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
Well, Ive written a book here about my relationship with my pdoc, and how his more CBT-like approach is so different from my psychodynamic T, and whether Im being helped or hurt by his approach.
Im still shaking from my last pdoc apptthree days ago!!! And I cant keep it in anymore. Actually, thats what I feel like; everything is pushing at the door of my consciousness, and Im fiercely holding that door shut, pushing with all my might, but some of the feelings keep slipping through. I have definitely been depressed since our appt. Wish I could cry.
So here goes. This is really hard for me. This week, I went in and told him something that was terribly intimate, humiliating and very embarrassing to me. It was about how I reacted to an incident that triggered me to the point of disassociation, and compliance. I was so disgusted w/myself for not standing up for myself and screaming NO! I should have been able to do that because Im an adult now, and yes, I am responsible for my own actions and behaviorstheres the CBT for youbut I cant understand why I complied. I know precisely how this situation mirrored my csa, and even why I would make this decision, but I was still so disappointed in myself.So, I decided to tell my pdoc about this incident, and I already have it in my mind that hes going to tell me Im an adult, responsible for my decisions, yada, yada, yada. I know which path he will head down. So why did I decide to tell him? And why not wait to discuss it w/my more compassionate T first?
I have no idea why I did this; its like I opened myself up for his disapproval or disappointment.
So, I told him (and told him I already knew what he would say) and he listened quietly. I was having trouble breathing, but I didnt cry (wish I did), and I felt the terror was just within reach, about to get me. My pdoc tried to have me differentiate between these experiences as a child and an adult, and how they were the same. I was getting angry, because as I said, I knew where he was going. I headed him off at every pass, maybe because I didnt want to feel the shame I was going to feel when he actually did point out that I was an adult (he never did, though). He said it was about untangling the mess so I could pull out which parts were about today, and which were about being a child. Again, my interpretation was that he was leading me to accountability, which would make me feel ashamed.
We ran out of time, and I was angry. It occurred to me that I was just throwing my anger on him, and he said that was OK, he could handle it. I said he had responded exactly as I had predicted and what a fool I was for bringing this up, knowing what his response would be. And how utterly embarrassed I was for sharing something I felt was so intimate. I said I had hoped that we could get to that untangling and not stay stuck on the responsibility part. I pretty much stormed out. I just felt so humiliated.
The next day Im telling all of this to my T, and I cry because what I really wanted to do was tell her first, but she was out of town (yes, mother abandonment issues; were working on them!). I hurt.
So then she asked me to characterize how my pdoc reacted. Dumbstruck, almost, I realized that he had been kind, and do I dare say, compassionate? That he hadnt judged me at all, although I projected he would. Then she asked the classic question, How did his kindness make you feel? She hit it exactly right. I was so afraid of his kindness that I ran like the dickens because in my experience, after kindness from a male comes pain, hurt and terror. I rejected his compassion completely. He did say, There isnt anything right now that I could say that would be right to you. He was right, because there was no way I was going to let him in.
So, here for the first time ever being treated by a male pdoc/T, he didnt run when I told him some of my perceived awfulness. (Hes the first partly because Ive only opened up like this to one other male T and he referred me out!)
Youd think I would feel good about this, but I dont. Im petrified to see him again. Im so, so, so, embarrassed I dont think I can go back. Having him know this about mehe must think Im an awful person. I do! I cant get it out of my mind. I cant go back.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:31:18
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
I'm really a good student of English. There was a transcribing error here...
so sorry,
antigua
Posted by sassyfrancesca on August 15, 2008, at 15:44:23
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
((((Antigua))): It took a lot of courage for you to bring up what you did, and as I was reading I "knew" what you were thinking (about what your pdoc was going to say, and how he would react)...I think you were so focussed on what you just "knew" he would say, that you missed what really happened....is that right?
Trust me.....pdoc's have heard the most horrific stories (or at least I think they have; don't know much about the pdoc's--just the t's . They don't judge.....You can....go back, but it is your choice.....As I said....it took a great deal of courage for you to share what you did, and take the chance you did.
You should feel proud of yourself.
He doesn't feel you are an "awful" person...from what I can tell about what you said, it was something which happened to you as a child; you did nothing wrong....unfortunately (forgive me, if I am not reading this stuff right), but when an adult abuses a child, THEY are responsible.
The terrible consequences are that the child (innocent) takes the blame and shame that belog t0 the adult (abuser).....the abuser(s) go on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened (and to them, they have no conscience, and so nothing wrong did happen).......and the child grows up with all the blame and shame that BELONGS TO THE ADULT ABUSER.
Sorry, I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, and I hear horrific stuff all of the time, and I always get so angry at what was/is done to innocent children......
It sounds as if you can trust him; perhaps you can try again? I know how scary that can be.
I know how I feel about it when anyone (anyone at all) is kind to me ( it is though I don't deserve it), and so I understand those feelings.
He sounds understanding and compassionate......
(you said something to another t and he referred you out??!!)....he cannot have been any good.
Hugs and Love, Sassy
Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 16:40:14
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by sassyfrancesca on August 15, 2008, at 15:44:23
Yes, I missed what was really going on in the room; I was too afraid to see/or even look at him, and I wouldn't let him talk, cutting him off because I thought I knew where he was headed.
Just to be clear, my shame was about allowing myself to respond to a current situation in the same compliant way I did as a child, and not being able to react differently because I was reacting as the child and not as the adult I propose to be! If that makes any sense...
I'm not being facetious (sp?), but why was that brave? I would say that to anyone else, too, but I don't see it as brave for me. I see it as stupid. I'm at a risk because he knows this about me now. How am I going to protect myself??
Yes, when I had another male T about five years ago, I guess I freaked him out (his own issue, I was finally able to accept, although that took time) and he terminated me very abruptly, like instantaneously.
Understanding and compassionate? Never before would I have put those words with this man, but I guess I've been fighting it so long. I've never been able to see situations clearly--another effect from my lovely childhod.
You are so kind to respond.
thanks,
antigua
Posted by sassyfrancesca on August 15, 2008, at 16:48:01
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » sassyfrancesca, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 16:40:14
> Yes, I missed what was really going on in the room; I was too afraid to see/or even look at him, and I wouldn't let him talk, cutting him off because I thought I knew where he was headed. I got that sense, sweetie.
>
> Just to be clear, my shame was about allowing myself to respond to a current situation in the same compliant way I did as a child, and not being able to react differently because I was reacting as the child and not as the adult I propose to be! If that makes any sense...It makes TOTAL sense; you were obviously programmed to react that way, and just because you are an adult is no reason to expect to act another way. We may be adults, but we have childhood stuff still in there.....
>
> I'm not being facetious (sp?), but why was that brave? It was brave to tell someone you didn't know, and have that trust. THAT is brave.I would say that to anyone else, too, but I don't see it as brave for me. I see it as stupid. I'm at a risk because he knows this about me now. How am I going to protect myself??
Not sure what you mean by "protect yourself"--can you explain?
>
> Yes, when I had another male T about five years ago, I guess I freaked him out (his own issue, I was finally able to accept, although that took time) and he terminated me very abruptly, like instantaneously.Very cruel, AND unethical.
>
> Understanding and compassionate? Never before would I have put those words with this man, but I guess I've been fighting it so long. I've never been able to see situations clearly--another effect from my lovely childhod.I know. I had one of those (abused verbally and physically by my mother (never knew my father), and molested, blah, blah.......
I hope you will get the courage to see him and start the dialogue again; you may find him healing, and isn't that what we ALL need.
Love, Sassy
> You are so kind to respond.
> thanks,
> antigua
Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 19:00:31
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by sassyfrancesca on August 15, 2008, at 16:48:01
"Not sure what you mean by "protect yourself"
I feel like letting him know leaves me exposed to be hurt, terrorized all over again. No matter how little or much he conveys kindness, how can I be sure? I've never truly let anyone all the way into this, and when i've let in a little bit, I've always been hurt.
How can I be sure he won't hurt me? that he won't destabilize me by tearing away the basic defenses I've used to protect myself, leaving my core self totally defenseless.
The risk is huge. My mind says don't even dare go there, but then why did I tell him?
antigua
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:02:55
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
>So then she asked me to characterize how my pdoc reacted. Dumbstruck, almost, I realized that he had been kind, and do I dare say, compassionate? That he hadnt judged me at all, although I projected he would. Then she asked the classic question, How did his kindness make you feel? She hit it exactly right. I was so afraid of his kindness that I ran like the dickens because in my experience, after kindness from a male comes pain, hurt and terror. I rejected his compassion completely. He did say, There isnt anything right now that I could say that would be right to you. He was right, because there was no way I was going to let him in.
Antigua, this is what therapy is all about- it took a combination of pdoc and T to help you make a major connection. It sounds like it was very uncomfortable (or worse!), but now that you know this, you can practice, little by little, to let your pdoc into your struggles. I struggle a lot too, with these very same issues- accepting postive feedback from men, feeling safe around them, and discriminating the difference between genuinely dangerous situations and the safe therapy environment. This is one of the reasons I sought out a male T. I'm not sure I was "ready", but I was able to work on some things with my former pdoc, who was very kind, and did his best to help me feel at ease. That gave me a little courage to go forward with a male T. We grow the most when we challenge ourselves and take risks in therapy.I hope you're not feeling too badly,
-Ll
Posted by DAisym on August 15, 2008, at 20:32:40
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:02:55
I think you told him because you were "confessing" and wanting what you most feared - his judgement and disapproval. I think your critical voice wants to be validated by him - and to "prove" how bad you are. He didn't bite and I'm really glad.
I also think there is a small part of you that is beginning to hope that all men aren't going to hurt you. You've invested a lot in this pdoc relationship and you keep pushing him and yourself in the direction of a relationship that feels safe and good. It will take time - each time telling him is a test and each time he will have to reearn safety.
I imagine that some part of you wonders if he will take advantage of what he knows about you - if you were complient in one situation, will you be in others? Will he throw this knowledge at you if he ever becomes angry - did you hand him kryptonite? I think you are going to have to hold a lot of anxiety for a little while and watch and wait. He can say he won't, I can say he won't but words aren't going to do it. You need to show up and let him prove it.
Kindness is very dangerous for us, I think. The alarms go off and we get flooded with fear and old defenses. I think it is a case of "the devil you know" - knowing how to handle mean, angry or hurtful people and not knowing how to take in kindness from a male (or for me, almost anyone.) I bet somewhere in your brain you are wondering what the cost of the kindness is - and when will he extract payment?
But what a huge step! So much truth and vulnerability - you are really opening up to him and to yourself. Whatever mistakes you make as an adult are likely part of your life's pattern - grounded in your childhood experiences. Learning to see our patterns and learning how to make different choices is what all this work is about - not responsibility, per say. You certainly are taking responsibility for everything - flogging yourself. No one else has to. But being able to connect the dots is really important - not excuses but rather reasons for your choices. I know it is embarrassing to have someone else know about these intimate things - but I also think it is important to have someone else know to balance your perspective of it and not make it yet another secret you have to keep.
I'm glad you had your therapist to help you sort it out. I hope your anxiety goes down soon. When are you supposed to go back?
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:12:04
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:02:55
At the risk of getting into trouble here, and I don't want to say anything hutful to you,but I feel like I've been chastized by the teacher!LOL
I KNOW that this is what therapy is about. It's just an entirely new twist for me and I'm at a loss on how to handle it. But this is why when my pdoc suggested regular therapy, I said yes, because I haven't been able to work on these issues with a male before, w/o getting whacked in the process.
I'm not convinced that this IS the right thing to do, given his CBT orientation. I've been moaning about this for a long time (sorry to be so boring), and as experience has taught me, it may very well not be safe.
Problem is that like Dinah (Ok Dinah?), I've always thought of my T as a eunuch (sp), but now I see him as person posessing that male organ. Quite a flip for me, and very unsafe.
thanks for responding,
antigua
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 16, 2008, at 10:24:02
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:02:55
Yikes Antigua, you're absolutely right. I was too serious and prescriptive in my post. Well, it wasn't my intention. I think what I was trying to express was my admiration that you had nailed the therapeutic process right on the head, and that you were getting things right (as uncomfortable as that seems sometimes)
Sorry about that-- I think that it was exactly what you DIDN'T need to hear.
Your sentiments are fully justified
-Ll
Posted by Nadezda on August 16, 2008, at 10:34:44
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » llurpsienoodle, posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:12:04
hi, Antiqua.
I think it's actually a major accomplishment to look at an experience and see that you missed someone-- especially such a fraught and conflictual moment-- and one when you were so sure you were going to/and were getting the reaction you expected.
Maybe your pdoc is CBT, but he seems patient, willing to listen, and not insist that he be heard right away-- and-- you know him. He's a person to take a chance with-- while hedging your bets. He's not your T; he's important-- but not that important; you value the relationship, but you have someone else to help you unravel what happens with him.
You're really doing the hard things-- facing the anxiety, living through it, and seeing that maybe there's more hope than you had realized. That's what I'm hoping to do-- but as I can say personally, it's extremely, in a hard-to-capture-way demanding of everything you've got-- it puts you right at the edge of what you're capable of and forces you to grow--
So, congratulations are in order. Remember, it's a process-- and you have to do it again, and again--and it will be hard for quite a while. I'm thinking it does get easier over time...
(((antigua)))
Nadezda
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:37:02
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by DAisym on August 15, 2008, at 20:32:40
Interesting that you would bring up the "confessing" part because when I first started w/him, I wrote something to him that he said sounded like a confession. I was confused, and didn't agree, but I've been very aware of that. I really don't want him to think of it as a confession, but he may very well bring that up, and that will make me freak. It's like I don't want him to feel sorry for me; I interpret that as pity, which is so distressing for me.
Even compassion is a bit on the edge, but as long as it is genuine--and how do I know it's not an act? I might be able to accept it.
"I also think there is a small part of you that is beginning to hope that all men aren't going to hurt you"
To compound this, the next day after telling, after seeing my T, I ran into a situation at work where an important/authoratative male completely devalued me and my experience as being important, or beneficial to our business. But in this case, I calmly stood up for myself. I know he's wrong, and everyone around me knows that, so I didn't take it personally.
I'm used to it. Being perceived this way. So in the natural order of my world (or how I warp things to fit my view), men are out to hurt me. I certainly know that part of it is an attitude I project, but I can't dispute the "truth" of my experiences. That I shape those experiences (oh here I go again, taking total responsibility) is readily apparent to me.
Maybe I've had too much CBT!!! Seriously, though, if I'm flogging myself then no one else can do it, and if my pdoc does it, then I will lose it.
"Whatever mistakes you make as an adult are likely part of your life's pattern - grounded in your childhood experiences. Learning to see our patterns and learning how to make different choices is what all this work is about - not responsibility, per say. You certainly are taking responsibility for everything - flogging yourself. No one else has to. But being able to connect the dots is really important - not excuses but rather reasons for your choices."
Daisy, this is exactly what he was trying to do, point out the reasons, but I was hearing "responsibility" and there is a value judgment on the differences between decisions I make as an adult vs. a child, even though I rationally know that this decision was made by the child, not the adult. But it still implies a judment to me, and that makes the child feel responsible. Me, me, me, I caused it all to happen. What is at the bottom of that? The shame of course, but there is so much terror.
"I know it is embarrassing to have someone else know about these intimate things - but I also think it is important to have someone else know to balance your perspective of it and not make it yet another secret you have to keep."
I think what you've said here is absolutely true; one of the worst things about what I went through as a child is that I never developed a real sense of perspective; everything is clouded, and my defense mechanims have made me unable to see things clearly, especially when it comes to men. I've worked very hard on this, but maybe I'm not going to like his balance of perspective.
I have handed him kryptonite, and I'm terrified, like the child at what he will do with this knowledge. I don't have the confidence that he will handle it.
The really hard part is about not wanting to go back, feeling so embarrased. Of course, I should go back, because that's where the growth comes, but the actual and perceived risk is great.
I don't see him until week after next, and instead of receding, as issues surrounding him usually do between visits, this one is growing. Which makes it very different me. It could be devastating.
thank you so much for your insight,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:38:16
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 16, 2008, at 10:24:02
You are a peach. I really appreciate your response. You made me feel much better!
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:50:41
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by Nadezda on August 16, 2008, at 10:34:44
you are so sweet. It's a process I've been through over and over again, and there probably have were times long ago when I felt this way about my T, but this is so raw.
Careful what you wish for keeps going through my mind because this is why I wanted a male T. But what if it just doesn't work.
Going through therapy is so painful at times, and when ruptures occur, there aren't even words I can find to explain the pain and the hopelessness that I've faced in other male situations. I'm not suggesting that this has happened here at all, but I'm anticipating it. Because things never turn out differently.
That may sound pessimistic, but it's also the truth. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, the results are the same--I'm hurt, my self-image is destroyed and my underlying base is shattered, which makes me think I've lived my whole life as a lie, living based on false beliefs about people and the world. I know this because it has happened before and it has pushed me over the edge, to be rejected for who I really am once I've found the strength to let something out.
So why am I risking it again? I'm not even sure that my pdoc and I have that rapport, or have established the trust that I require to get through this. But how much would be enough? There's never enough, and I know that.
Sorry for rambling; this has really thrown me off. Why did I do this? I also have a tendency to overtrust too easily at times, which gets me into big trouble, and maybe that's part of what I'm worried about here.
Why do I even care so much???
Really sorry for the spacey post; just writing things down.
thanks again,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2008, at 11:39:56
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
I'm afraid I'm being a bit slow. Are you saying you think that your assessment of his attitude has been mistaken? Or are you saying that even though he is a matter of fact, results oriented, here and now type of therapist, he can also be caring and compassionate?
I can see why it would be terrifying to suddenly start seeing him as a man because of your own feelings and internal connections to his connections.
It may be because I'm applying this thought everywhere now that it's started to mean something to me personally, but perhaps it's another of those dichotomy situations? He can be compassionate *and* he'll probably always be results oriented, no nonsense, and occasionally hurtful, *and* those things have everything to do with him and nothing to do with negative feelings toward you. Men can be warm and nurturing and kind *and* *some* men use these qualities to hurt women, while others would never dream of hurting a woman. Your pdoc is a man with all the appropriate equipment *and* he can feel compassion for you *and* he's not going to follow up on that compassion with demands and expectations from you.
But like I said, I feel a bit thick, so maybe I'm totally missing the point.
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 12:04:15
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
My pdoc says that there is a pattern to our sessions. I guess I hadn't really noticed.
I open up in a session, and in the next session I'm very defensive and angry and we have to patch it up. Sometimes we are more successful than other times. This is where the differences in our perceptions come out.
I just point that out because he is expecting to be on the defensive next time and I guess by what he is saying, so will I.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 12:17:45
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2008, at 11:39:56
I don't consider you ever to be slow. I think you're very thoughtful in how you respond.
By referring to your therapy, I meant that you've said in the past that you think of your T as asexual. If I'm wrong about that, please excuse me. (I also like the slip I made above when I said my T doesn't possess the threatening male organ. She doesn't of course, I meant my pdoc).
Dinah, what you've said makes a great deal of sense. Maybe I can't deal with the dichtomy now (even if does exist, because I'm doubting my trust in him that it does) because it's like holding two opinions of my father at the same time, and especially because I tend to let the positive thoughts totally, and irrationally, outweigh the negative. I can see, hear and listen to the negative parts, but however I coped as a child (which is what I'm trying to unravel now) led me to overpowering love. And that's not seeing the situation clearly. It's too threatening to my basic core beliefs about myself. And I want to change that. But maybe my view of "change" is not his.
I don't necessarily think that his assessment is wrong, but I'm afraid to hear it. Partly because he is so results oriented, truthful and upfront and that really stings at time, it's very helpful to me to hear another opinion that isn't grounded in how worthless I am. But I can't deny the truthfulness, and I accept sometimes it's just his opinion and we move on, but this a big one.
You said,
"Your pdoc is a man with all the appropriate equipment *and* he can feel compassion for you *and* he's not going to follow up on that compassion with demands and expectations from you"Oh, but he will follow up with demands and expectations, but they won't be sexual of course, but they may play with my core beliefs and shatter them, and what will I have left? This is at the heart of my problem. If he takes away my core beliefs (and I know some of them are very wrong, but they're still mine), am I strong enough to withstand it? Am I strong enough now? He says yes, so does my T, but it's treading in very dangerous waters. Sometimes he goes too far.
Thank you so much Dinah,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on August 16, 2008, at 12:34:11
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » Dinah, posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 12:17:45
My therapist has changed a lot of my core beliefs over time. And I was strong enough, and I did find it made me stronger.
He didn't batter them away. He was patient and consistent and wore away at them like the river at rock. He forever changed by personal landscape, but by gentle erosion, not by earthquake or volcano.
He would introduce a topic, but at signs of resistance, he'd yield, leaving me nothing left to push against, and causing me to stumble forward if I pushed myself. Then the same topic would be addressed later, maybe from a different angle.
For me this was right. I'd have done horribly with a very forceful therapist. I still would. But that's me. I know many people have gotten enormous value from it.
So I do understand your fear. It can be terrifying for a therapist to turn your world upside down, even in a good way. Is it ok with him if you ask to pause for a moment to gain your balance? Maybe that's what you're trying to do the next week.
When I got vertigo from the damage caused to my inner ear by a virus, my ENT told me that in time my brain would adjust to the new inputs and recalibrate. Maybe therapy isn't all that different.
Hmmm... Maybe a bad choice of analogy. He also gave me a bunch of exercises to make myself dizzy so my brain could recalibrate faster. :)
I do indeed see my therapist as a Ken doll. Not only a eunuch, but without parts at all. I even dreamed when he told me that he was getting married that his wife told me he was a eunuch. I guess my way of keeping my Ken doll image of him in the face of his marriage and honeymoon.
I'm not sure my reasons are that I find men scary though. If he were a woman I'd probably feel the same way.
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 12:55:43
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by Dinah on August 16, 2008, at 12:34:11
My T is how you describe. She goes through the process gently, always pulling back when faced with my resistence. That's why it has taken us so very long to get where we are. From the outside, people have questioned the length of our time together, but they aren't inside the room.
My pdoc isn't anywhere near as gentle, but in a sense, that's what I pay him for. In the beginning, the results were more mixed, but as time goes on, we've come to a nice detente, either one of us willing to pull back.
So I'm expecting a battle, but there may not be one, unless I provoke it or he respnds in a hurtful way. That's part of my fear in going back; that it will be too much. And we aren't the type to put things on the back burner. But again, that's what I pay him for. I think he's not as expert in knowing when he has pushed too hard because he is surprised by the results sometimes--my anger, mostly--but i'm not sure I can fight him this time.
But here I am assuming there will be a fight. There very well may not be. This fear is based on how badly I think he will think of me.
But the pure humilation of my feeling for having told him is what's driving this terrible angst. And how much can I trust him to deal with this?
I hate him. I hate myself. My oldest is leaving for an extended period of time and will never really be home again. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on August 16, 2008, at 13:02:23
In reply to pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
Antigua,
I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I felt like it was a great thing that this pdoc responded like he did and that your t helped you see it. I understand because I have a pdoc for my t and he is acting and responding right now in a way that isn't like most men or women for that matter and I too don't really know what to do. But I think for you, you need to go and confront his kindness and acknowledge it. It is HUGE.
It was hard to tell him but you did. That is major. But frightening too because it leaves you vulnerable and that is hugely scary to those of us so hurt as children. But in finding that trust can be with someone like him you might just find some peace. Or at least a place to begin.
I say find the courage to go and see him again. It might not be so hard.
and I say this you are brave my friend.
(((((((Antigua))))))))))))))
I really believe you can do this.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 13:08:17
In reply to Re: pdoc update((((((((((((Antigua))))))))))) » antigua3, posted by rskontos on August 16, 2008, at 13:02:23
thank you so much rskontos. You've said the right things, now I just have to either find the strength to go back or decide not to go back. In this case, I'm really not sure of the "right" answer for me at this time.
Maybe I could just bury it, and pretend it never happened. I'm an expert at that.
antigua
Posted by rskontos on August 16, 2008, at 13:21:24
In reply to Re: pdoc update((((((((((((Antigua))))))))))), posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 13:08:17
No don't bury it. (I understand I could bury a mountain if I decided too) It is too important right now. And besides let your pdoc have some consideration in this too. He did show some kindness, so let him in a little. After all, you let him a bit by sharing, now see what he has to say. I think you should see what he has to say and see how he will respond. He did not act like your previous t. And he did do the right thing. So if you were vulunerable to him, I bet he would not do anything to hurt you. And to show that to your child self that would be huge wouldn't it?
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
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