Posted by antigua3 on August 16, 2008, at 10:50:41
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG, posted by Nadezda on August 16, 2008, at 10:34:44
you are so sweet. It's a process I've been through over and over again, and there probably have were times long ago when I felt this way about my T, but this is so raw.
Careful what you wish for keeps going through my mind because this is why I wanted a male T. But what if it just doesn't work.
Going through therapy is so painful at times, and when ruptures occur, there aren't even words I can find to explain the pain and the hopelessness that I've faced in other male situations. I'm not suggesting that this has happened here at all, but I'm anticipating it. Because things never turn out differently.
That may sound pessimistic, but it's also the truth. Sometimes no matter how hard I try, the results are the same--I'm hurt, my self-image is destroyed and my underlying base is shattered, which makes me think I've lived my whole life as a lie, living based on false beliefs about people and the world. I know this because it has happened before and it has pushed me over the edge, to be rejected for who I really am once I've found the strength to let something out.
So why am I risking it again? I'm not even sure that my pdoc and I have that rapport, or have established the trust that I require to get through this. But how much would be enough? There's never enough, and I know that.
Sorry for rambling; this has really thrown me off. Why did I do this? I also have a tendency to overtrust too easily at times, which gets me into big trouble, and maybe that's part of what I'm worried about here.
Why do I even care so much???
Really sorry for the spacey post; just writing things down.
thanks again,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:846433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846641.html