Posted by DAisym on August 15, 2008, at 20:32:40
In reply to Re: pdoc update**poss sa trigger**REALLY LONG » antigua3, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 15, 2008, at 19:02:55
I think you told him because you were "confessing" and wanting what you most feared - his judgement and disapproval. I think your critical voice wants to be validated by him - and to "prove" how bad you are. He didn't bite and I'm really glad.
I also think there is a small part of you that is beginning to hope that all men aren't going to hurt you. You've invested a lot in this pdoc relationship and you keep pushing him and yourself in the direction of a relationship that feels safe and good. It will take time - each time telling him is a test and each time he will have to reearn safety.
I imagine that some part of you wonders if he will take advantage of what he knows about you - if you were complient in one situation, will you be in others? Will he throw this knowledge at you if he ever becomes angry - did you hand him kryptonite? I think you are going to have to hold a lot of anxiety for a little while and watch and wait. He can say he won't, I can say he won't but words aren't going to do it. You need to show up and let him prove it.
Kindness is very dangerous for us, I think. The alarms go off and we get flooded with fear and old defenses. I think it is a case of "the devil you know" - knowing how to handle mean, angry or hurtful people and not knowing how to take in kindness from a male (or for me, almost anyone.) I bet somewhere in your brain you are wondering what the cost of the kindness is - and when will he extract payment?
But what a huge step! So much truth and vulnerability - you are really opening up to him and to yourself. Whatever mistakes you make as an adult are likely part of your life's pattern - grounded in your childhood experiences. Learning to see our patterns and learning how to make different choices is what all this work is about - not responsibility, per say. You certainly are taking responsibility for everything - flogging yourself. No one else has to. But being able to connect the dots is really important - not excuses but rather reasons for your choices. I know it is embarrassing to have someone else know about these intimate things - but I also think it is important to have someone else know to balance your perspective of it and not make it yet another secret you have to keep.
I'm glad you had your therapist to help you sort it out. I hope your anxiety goes down soon. When are you supposed to go back?
poster:DAisym
thread:846433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846515.html