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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 16:30:12
it's easier to write words than sentences, it's feeling... not just thinking
bad times
mostly freaked out
very anxious don't know what to do
trapped
T is away and bad things are happening
i'm a monster
i'm a freak
hate myself
i can't i can't i can'tsomeone make it stop
Posted by happyflower on October 6, 2007, at 16:58:51
In reply to i am in hell, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 16:30:12
Dory,
You are not a freak!!! Please try to hold on to those good bonding T memories you have had this week. He is still their, in your heart, just stop take a deep breath and you will feel him. He is coming back, and you will be okay. You can get through this.Please do something healthy to distract yourself, shopping, create something in art, watch a good funny movie, one that secretly love but wouldn't tell anyone. I know probably have some school work to do, right? ick, I know, but try doing just 15 minutes of it and see if you feel better. When I feel like this, it helps me to go into "survivor mode". I keep telling myself I can do this, Iwill survive, I will feel better. Sounds corny and weird but it helps me.
Or make your favorite dessert or bake a chicken or something! I like to cook and making homemade anything feels like you are taking care of yourself and it tastes good too. Think mashed potatoes! (my fav) or jello, all the flavors!
OR listen to some of your favorite music, take a nice relaxing bath and use some of your favorite lotion to soothe your body after you come out. Put on your favorite PJ's and read a good book or watch your favorite movie you haven't seen in a while. I like Sound of Music, lol , now don't laught at me, well if laughing makes you feel better than laught your *ss off at me! That is okay! I can take it.
Don't know if any of this helps, if it doesn't just ignore it okay, maybe someone has some better ideas.
PS I still haven't seen a picture of your new color! ;-)
Posted by Scentedgarden on October 6, 2007, at 17:10:35
In reply to i am in hell, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 16:30:12
i know that feeling of words being easier to write and its a good way to express yourself in the moment.
(((((((((((((Hey Dory)))))))))))))))I want to help make it STOP
These are just thots, they are not actually going to hurt you babe. okay deep breaths, maybe a gin and tonic or three. then sum pillow punching if you have any stress left.
there is always trying to just go to sleep, or a huge soapy bath. But whatever you do...
DO SOMETHING
you are able to get thru this Dory.
Anything but sitting allowing the painful thotsd to replay over and over and over andover ( hey Andover thats a place init..??) and over, and over, and over, and over---S T O P --- SIGN ACOMING UP.. tell thOSE bad as* thots to take a hike and play with eL motorway traffico...
okay?? ur therapist cares about you Dor, he is only away for a short while, he shall return..!!!
And you will resume your caring relationship okay! Its still there its just on a different time scale for a few days..
whats time anyway??? Einstein says its all relative..!! so forget the days and the hours just breath baby okay Dory!! hehehesee i made a joke, okay-dory... lol as in ok-doky
anyone as nice as you has to laugh at a dafty joke like that from a mad woman like me...lol
now- there you have GET-OUT-OF-HELL-FREE-CARDS, use them PLEASE USE THEM DORY, and get shot of that God forsaken place.. get out and do whatever it takes to be kind and soft and gentle with Dory.. we ALL care about U here.
and so does your therapist CARE ABOUT YOU.. sometimes people have to go away for whatever reason, but it doesnt mean they stop thinking about us or loving and caring for us.
listen to me all philosophical 2nite..! AM OFF NOW TO HIT
by the way thanks for letting me know that bmail was off. ive tried since but cant work out how to turn the thing on..ha ha ha Doh! ( as homer would say)
Do u like Homer from the Simpsons?
Do u like the Simpsons.?this post is to anyone who reads it but obviously iT'S Especially TO DORY...*****STARS*** FOR DORY**** BECAUSE***UR****special****** AND SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS****
Love sg
Posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:24:42
In reply to (((((((((((((((dory)))))))))))) » Dory, posted by happyflower on October 6, 2007, at 16:58:51
i won't ignore.. it all sounds like good ideas
i just hurt so bad right now
can't undo the past
love
need
can't do it anymore
pain and fear
don't leave
don't stay
so upset
no one to turn to
no one to hold me.. ever
don't remember the last time i was held
can't imagine life without
can't imagine life with
please don't go
can't let you stayi am numb in a way.. not crying, can't cry.. cried so much last year i may never cry again. A life's worth of tears. Don't know what to do. Numb and paralyzed. Tried to be brave.. but i know i will back down. i have to. i don't have the strength not to. what would my life be? there would be no hope of anything. i get more disabled every year.
i have nothing.
i am nothingno success but years of school and debt. alone.
no hope of ever *being something*NOT real people
thank you HF for caring and responding. i am sorry my reply is so broken up. i let the feeling side of me just choose words.. it's easier and more true that trying to interpret and write about it.
i will take the hot bath. went and bought some bath stuff that says it's anti-stress. Can't do anything else though.. i have to write that paper. i can't fathom how i am going to do it in my current state of mind. Maybe i can shift into autopilot. The paper is about something boring.. maybe i can just stick with the numbness so i can write.
Posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:30:33
In reply to i am in hell- SO use the GET-OUT-OF-HELL-FREE-CARD » Dory, posted by Scentedgarden on October 6, 2007, at 17:10:35
SG you are a very special lady.. there isn't anyone i know who is quite like you.
i know you mean all you say and that matters. i am sad that i lost your email and haven't talked to you in a long time.
it's hard to write sentences.. my feeling side is so overwhelmed.. it's hard
i can't get out of hell free.. as much as i want to
i can't ever get out of hell it seems
i feel like it has taken all of megin. you know it's my favourite. i could go for a dozen.
i'm settling for the two bottles of wine.drinking alone. sums up my life.
babblers might care.. but none of you can hug me for real. Nobody to just wrap me up and say it's going to be alright.
Posted by happyflower on October 6, 2007, at 18:34:01
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((((dory)))))))))))) » happyflower, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:24:42
I think you have a good plan, sometimes doing something boring is good and it is something that needs to be done. I will probably be doing the same thing tonight except I have to use the shower because our pipes are leaking to the tub. Part of my sons bedroom ceiling fell in last night! yikes! But I will take a long hot shower, put on my favorite music and then hopefully it will inspire me to write the next paper.
I am sorry your heart is so torn on what to do with everything. But you know what? You don't have to make that decsion tonight. Just take care of yourself and try to relax. You are normal people, you are just "hurting" in many ways but you are real because I know, I have seen what is in your heart. Unreal people don't have a heart like yours. I wish you could see what I see in you. Take care Dory
Posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:39:59
In reply to i am in hell, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 16:30:12
taken care of everyone else for so long
why hasn't anyone taken care of me?
not food and shelter... love
why hasn't there **EVER** been anyone to hold me tight and tell me it will be ok?
i am everyone's therapist
Dory will fix everything, Dory gets no credit though
Dory needs love
Dory needs attention
Dory needs a shoulder sometimes
Dory needs but never gets
friends are sick of Dory's life being a train wreck
just do something and get over itDory is lost
don't know how to help myself now
never learned how
T says i don't have the skills because no one taught me. He says i took care of everyone else.everyone thinks Dory will always land on her feet so she doesn't need anyone. No one asks why Dory looks so sad and tired.
Posted by Sigismund on October 6, 2007, at 19:03:47
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:39:59
Negative energy with a shifting object keeps turning back on itself.
It's as if the mind becomes angry and agitated and cannot stop being so.
All efforts to stop it feed the disturbance.What you said bought Eliot's lines to mind.....
'I have heard the key
Turn in the door once and turn once only
We think of the key, each in his prison
Thinking of the key, each confirms a prison
Only at nightfall, aetherial rumours
Revive for a moment a broken Coriolanus.'
Posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:25:24
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by Dory on October 6, 2007, at 18:39:59
can you try to think of three good things?
Like mebbe going on you recent adventure, or the fact you got a good T or...
Can you get outside for some air?
Can you talk to someone IRL.
I know you kinda freaked bout the streetperson thing, and mebbe religion too, but there's sources of hugs there...
And mebbe....ask for some support from others?
Others that you have helped?
Even if its just a hello, or some cookies, or a short walk, or a quick coffee, or ?
Is there a group or activity you could tap into?
Or sit and people watch?
Or take a bus and chat w/people?
Volunteering is SO huge for me....
Is there any time in your day for that. I know you have physical difficulties, but there's sit down type jobs avail.
Check out the library, food bank, soup kitchen, art museum, communtity center, old folks home.....
I dunno, mebbe I just flapping my gums....but these are helpul things to me.
Take good care Dory.
Sorry its so extra hard right now.
M
Posted by LadyBug on October 6, 2007, at 23:24:47
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:25:24
(((((((DORY))))))
Sorry you have having such a hard time. There is love for you from us. I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a BIG hug and tell you it's going to be alright. I want that too. So I'm willing to give that to you even though you can't see it. Can you imagine it? Someone that truly cares about you and wants good things for you? You deserve to be happy and feel peace about things.
I hope you got your hot bath, maybe some treats, maybe a good movie. Go for a drive. I'm not the best with advice. I've been at the bottom of the pit and can't get out myself. But I do know one thing for sure, it passes! It won't stay this way for you. It will change for you, I promise.
Let us help you through!
Hugs and good thoughts,
LadyBug
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 6, 2007, at 23:31:00
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by LadyBug on October 6, 2007, at 23:24:47
Dory, be extra kind to yourself- you are in our hearts.
Imagine weaving the softest thickest blanket in the world and wrapping yourself up in it... that's the kind of comfort you need. Can you visualize it? Imagine it?
(((((((((hugs for dory))))))))))
-Ll
Posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 9:46:52
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by muffled on October 6, 2007, at 22:25:24
i went out for a while yesterday but it burned.. i mean, being with people felt like i was being burned inside. Usually it helps some.. better when with people i know. In a random crowd i begin to feel burning
i'm supposed to have thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house today and a cousin's tomorrow. i can't do it. i can't imagine trying to talk about crap when i really want to scream... i see people walking on the street and i want to shake them and make them see how my world is. i know that i don't know what their world is like, but i can't stop myself from thinking about how happy they all look. People holding hands, window shopping... doing just boring everyday stuff without even thinking about what they have.. people take their joys for granted. They think joy is some sort of big deal thing, like a party, like a special night or something elaborate. They don't know that joy is about everyday stuff. Happiness isn't a place you get to eventually, like some kind of rest home.. it's here then gone then back again during the tedious minutes of every day that no one pays attention to...
i watch people. i watch what they do and how they move. i watch their body language. i don't understand what i am lacking.
if i can feel so much pain.. isn't it only fair that i should get to feel some love too?
life isn't fair though. life isn't about fair.
i can't think about some stuff muffled.. i know you care and that matters more. The place i am in mentally and emotionally is an accute thing... sharp, barbed. Can't move or it rips me apart. At some point the things you suggested will help, but not yet.
it still matters that you said them anyway
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 14:04:48
In reply to Re: i am in hell » muffled, posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 9:46:52
Dory, I am sorry I have been out of pocket. Since T on Sat. I have been in switch mode. Scary stuff but anyway, I am sorry you feel so bad. I would love to give you a real hug if I could.
Just because right now there is no one to hug doesn't mean no one wants to nor that you don't deserve all the love and attention.
And it is fair you feel love. I wish I could take some of your pain for you Just know that I am here for you as much as I can be. Sorry I have been absent for a day. T was helpful but sent me into a switching mode and that is another story....
Posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 14:55:13
In reply to Re: i am in hell, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 14:04:48
i appreciate the thought anyway. knowing that people care matters..
but it's not lost on me that i seem to be able to make "virtual" or cyber people care, but IRL i can't. i mean, there are people here who care and i know they really do.. but i can't turn to them like this. i can't. and it isn't fair to expect that of friends when my life is one crisis after another.
so everyone thinks i am fine. Dory will always land on her feet.
i asked my mom once why she never tried to step in to help me or get close to me like she did with my sister... and that was what she said. My sister was less stubborn and she felt i would always land on my feet. Dory doesn't have feelings. Dory doesn't need anyone ever.
now.. no one gets too close. i got tired of no one wanting to.. tired of wanting closeness that never came. Built big strong walls. Thick walls. T is trying but he can't get close to me.
so very sad.
i tore open the wounds from last weekend. The injury is not important to me.. it's the result. That's what brings me release. i know that at some point the urge will take over. It's like a bittersweet lover.
i need to sleep for a while.
Posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 14:57:20
In reply to Negative energy and escape, posted by Sigismund on October 6, 2007, at 19:03:47
forgive me... i am too sedated and intensely confused to understand the poem.. i feel stupid. i don't even know what you are saying, i am that dumb right now. i am sorry
Posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 15:49:25
In reply to Re: i am in hell ***SI triggers*** » rskontos, posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 14:55:13
Dory, I am sorry but that was a dumb thing your mom said. As a mom both children, all children are just as important to help. Tell her I said so. In fact let me tell her. You are just important and just cause you seem to have it together and land on your feet doesn't mean you don't need support and closeness from the one that brought into this world. Man that I dont get and makes me mad at her for you. Whoa sorry. How do I really feel. YOu ask.
You need some sleep and you don't always have one crisis or another maybe it is the same one but who cares? If you are in trouble you are in trouble and you are allowed. There is no quota or allowance. You don't get only one crisis per month, you get to feel how you feel and that is ok. Do you hear me OK> You Dory are ok. You always try to help everyone. You need to help you sometimes and you can do that by being kind to yourself and not worrying so much. Everything will be ok. It is ok to have strong walls. I have them, many people on this site have them. Because we need them. You probably need them. And if it is time to tear them them down because you need closeness that isn't something just down overnight give yourself and others some time. OK. Take it a little easy. You are seeming to be rushing here. Slow down, take the rest I know you need. WE care and you need to care. Give yourself the chance to have this break. Why did you tear open to wounds to remind yourself that you stil feel. Did you get the release. Are you ok now? You are worrying me here. There is someone out there that is right for you when the time is right. So don't despair. Sleep and you should feel better when you wake ok. Let us know ......rk
Posted by Scentedgarden on October 7, 2007, at 16:36:57
In reply to Re: i am in hell ***SI triggers***, posted by rskontos on October 7, 2007, at 15:49:25
no woman ........no cry.......
no woman..no cry...
i remember when we used to sit.....
in the goverment yard in trench-town
all of us observing...
the hypocrites...
and the good people we meet.
good friends we had.and good friends we lost...>>
along.......the way..
in this bright future we cant forget our past.so dry ur tears he says.>>
and no woman , no cry...oh oh ...no woman no cry
cum on litle sista dont shed no tear...no woman no cry....
CAUSE EVERY LITLLEGONNA BE ALLRIGHT...
(((((((thats me signing u a song...a song just 4 u)))
it dinny mean not to cry..........it just means what it means to you
Posted by muffled on October 7, 2007, at 23:16:10
In reply to Re: i am in hell ***SI triggers*** » rskontos, posted by Dory on October 7, 2007, at 14:55:13
I don't let people close IRL either.
But what I DO do.
Is just go out for a coffee with someone, and if they ask me hows it going, I might say in a joking way, 'well, I'm surviving'. And if they ask for more info, I just say, 'aww I be OK, always am' and laugh and change subject. I get them to talk bout themselfs, cuz people generally like to do that. And that takes the focus off me, so then I don't goto be worried bout protecting my walls.
But its being around another person, and reflecting empathy, and maybe they be happy at my kindness, and say 'hey, thanks' and then I feel gooder.
Or mebbe I will let slip a small nugget bout myself, if it seems safe, but that is rare.
So hugs/touch can be achieved by others needing it too, if not hugs to you for your pain, even if its for theirs, you can still feel the bonding, the touch of caring.
Or mebbe I fulla sh*t.
Proly am.
My eyes are brown after all....
Take care Dory.
And try and take care of wounds too.
M
This is the end of the thread.
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