![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
....ever given you their pen...to keep?
..ever telephoned you from their car while driving home...?
...told you they will be thinking about you on xmas morning...?
....told you that they dont tell their supervisor all their sexual fantasy's ....?
told you they like your hair, clothes, etc..?
told you they would go for a cofe with you if they bumped into you outside...
Just asking as mine has, and I'm struggling now with it all, as I'm in love or something with her sexually...and i ;love her a my mother as well...
to add to all this after 4 years together i just discovered she has recently married a man..
the pain and haze in myself that im dealing with is totally scaring me..
on top of all this we have now set a final date to end the therapy which is just killing me too.
it has to end as it just got to thats all...she is paid by state and i cant justify seeing me much more...she says she could have stopped seeing me 198 months ago with no comeback on herself...but she wanted to help me...so she pushed the contract to extend...
she has done so very much to help me i now feel guilty for being like this about her..how dare i love another mans wife ina sexual way in my fantasy..!!!
someone some mad way through the years together i believed deep down she loved me too.
she became my everyhting, which ive only just realised how strongly attached and how much i feel obsessed to the point its upsetting me in ways i never dreamed it would...
Im in a mess, and i dont know how to get out of it....i think its both our faults ...
hers, for not examaning the issue deeper when i nsaid i wanted her to touch me eeryhwrer and f*ck my brains out and i wanted to do the same to her... she took it so personal, and i think it was wrong to do that... i mean it is a major apart of my problem sexual stuff.. so i thought i was being brave when i told her...i thought she would help me to see the real problem, the root of my problem, and get to the heart of the issue, you know like why was i in love with her? and how could i find someone in the real world to love me and make me fel as i feel for her...but she made it all about my feelings for her and we never really got beyond it...
and its my fault for covering up after that and just not saying i was head over heels... im god at pretending, and so for tha least 50 appts we have talked crap mostly as i havebeen doing thinkgs to make her comfy..oh its such a mess
we are spreading the last few appts out, the few we have left..which will actually give us all in all a toatal of another year as patient dr. but the appts, i can count on one hand in that year...so i have less appts left with her thaat will take a year to get through....than i had in one month when i went weekly...I'm struggling to a point of pain and ache and sorrow and jealousy...and such likes that i never in my life have sufered before...
i went to therapy to help me, i was suicidal and in love with another man...now im in love with her...and i'm scared how wil i eer get past this feeling..?
I telphoned samaritans today and spoke for a while very upset, but they cant give me advice...
i also am trying to find a therpait i can pay for a visit just to talk this over with another professional, but i feel like im betraying my beautiful kind and gentle therpaist...
as i write this letter annonymously to you guys and girls here on babble...i feel maybe i could write a letter as if it was telling a person who didnt know me all my thought setc on all this and then i could just send it to her...
she is expecting me to write to her in between, she has asked me to write to her as she is wanting to know whats happening with me and so i will have somehting to focus on, (thats a luagh as she has been my only focus since i last saw her on tuesday..and its now 5 weeks till we meet again)..and so she can focus on what i write and so we can make the most of the last few sessions that are about 2 plus months apart...i wish we had been this focused and professional years ago or ecen months ago, as its such a waste to have wasted the time doing nothing much...and now having to cram all this in at the end...
anyway, its done now..no point in crying over spilt milk...but this is my life, and im needing some advicce and some help..and the one person i love and respect so much is the one person im scared to tell all this to incase she is angry with me...
incase she ends me straight away which is somehting that would be torturous na d i would not be able to bear that pain...and it would undo all the good work we have done over the years...
it has all been a process...and falling in love with her, was part of it..
im a very unhappy woman right now...i know i sound pathetic, and should just deal with it..
i know some people on here have much more problems than im having...
i'm so grateful to her for all her love and help and care...i know she really likes me and i know she cares alot...but i also now know she has another real life that she f*cks another man...andshe loves him...as happy as i am for her this breaks me heart equally if not more...
and i feel as bad as can be for feeling that way..
i am a christian woman and i should not be jealous, i shoukld not be wanting another mans wife...but i feel she was mine before she was his...(i know thats sick, and thats why im scared)
my thoughts are scaring me...me feelings are killing me...okay so im dramatic, but its just not fair..
I want to be normal witha happy life, and just someont to love me and make me feel as she has made me fel in the nigh on 4 years we have been together in therapy...
i felt nothing for the first 2 years...how ill i ever find sopmeone in the real world who will wait 2 years for me to love them a little...??
she treats me so normal at times, and doesnt seem to see my sickness..proabably because im afraid to show her incase she wont like me, and wont want to know me outside of therapy once it ends if she thinks im a stalker in love with her...would you want someone feeling for you as I described feeling for her?? i dont think so!
thanks for rading ...sorry i cant expelain it better right now..my hands are so cold and i ahve to go and take care of myself...as im still in bed on ly laptop and its 14.39 pm....sun shining and me in pjamas, writing here to you how im drowning in my love for a woman who is my therpaist and who is married and happy and proably with her husband right now as i speak...
im inshock and im horribly over concerned about her and not about myself.
i only went to therpay for deprssion...she says im not psychotic at all...says i have no personality disorders, or any psychosis...!!
In fact she has never labeled me with anything..
so is this normal behaviour? am i in therpay for nothing..what the heck have we been doing for 4 years??so ...has your therapist ever given you their pen, called from thier car on their ay home, bla bla bla...
i guess those questions are irrelivent, as you all have differet therapist with diff boundaries...so there is no normal ..it just that those things mean things to me...mean more to me than just a pen or a call..
plus in my dreams she always loves to have sex with me, and i waken feeling comforted and loved by her...other nights i dream of her holding me as a little girl and cuddling me...she doesnt know any of this...as i stoped teeling her my dreams a while ago..
i didnt think she wanted to hear them all, as shes not psychodynamic....she is doing CBT with me...but it is a little eclectic...
anyway if nothing else and noone replies, as i know this is copmplicated. I hope someone reading this will find it helpful for them ...
much thanks and God bless
SG
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2007, at 10:12:41
In reply to Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex trigger, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
My therapist has done a few of those things. They're part of his comfort level in his boundaries. He's got pretty wide boundaries, but they're still there and they're still ironclad.
It's ok to fantasize about anyone. Really. Even if the other person is married, even if you are committed and deeply in love with your partner. It's natural, it's normal, and there's no reason to feel guilty about fantasies or thoughts. You aren't hurting her or her husband with your thoughts.
It's not at all uncommon to have sexual thoughts about your therapist. I always think that the way therapy is set up, long periods of time together alone, a growing intimacy of sharing details of your life with someone, eye contact, warmth and acceptance on their part, all these things mimic mating traditions enough to easily confuse the brain. We're hard wired to fall in love, we're not hard wired to have therapy.
Have you read "In Session"? It was very helpful to me in figuring out what I did and didn't feel about my therapist.
Since you're in the winding down phase, maybe now would be a good time to try to take all you've learned about loving someone else and apply it to the rest of your life. Just because it took two years to care about her doesn't mean it will take two years to care about someone else. You've practiced with her, and it will probably come more easily to you now.
Madeline wrote a great post about how loving your therapist helps prepare you to love others.
I know it hurts. It's bound to. But hurt generally fades with time.
Is there anything positive and interesting that you can do with your usual therapy times? Take a class that you're interested in? Go the gym, or schedule a regular manicure or massage? I've been wanting to try to fit stained glass class into my schedule. I've wanted it for years in fact, although a fear of fire or something has kept me from pursuing it. Is there anything like that that you'd like to try?
Posted by Dinah on January 27, 2007, at 10:15:19
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Scentedgarden, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2007, at 10:12:41
But the book is correctly linked on the introduction session of this board.
Posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 10:16:15
In reply to Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex trigger, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
Hi Scented,
The answer to all your questions is "no" in my case, but I think the range of acts you mention is pretty huge...
> ....ever given you their pen...to keep?
This doesn't strike me as a very big deal, unless it was a REALLY fancy pen presented with great ceremony for no reason at all. If you just didn't have a pen that day and she handed you hers and told you to keep it, that's a pretty mundance act of kindness.
> ..ever telephoned you from their car while driving home...?
For what purpose? This could simply be a case of her wanted to tell you something while it was on her mind. Or did it feel more like she was calling a friend whose voice she needed to hear right then?
> ...told you they will be thinking about you on xmas morning...?
In the context of therapy, this could be a touching reminder that she cares about you. Did it sound somehow obsessive on her part the way she said it?
> ....told you that they dont tell their supervisor all their sexual fantasy's ....?
What was the context? Had you been discussing your own fantasies or something like that? Or was this said flirtatiously, with the apparent purpose of conveying that she fantasizes about you? That would almost certainly be inappropriate on her part, especially if she meant to start a sexual relationship with her client!
> told you they like your hair, clothes, etc..?
In context, this might be perfectly fine, especially if you have a lot of self-image problems.
For example, one thing I worked on with my T was making eye contact, and I'd told her many of my negative thoughts about what others think when I make eye contact with them. I told her I imagined people would feel creeped out if I looked them in the eye, disgusted that I was "staring" at them, repulsed by my ugliness, etc. She encouraged me to make more eye contact during sessions, promised to let me know if I was doing so in a way that felt inappropriate (the "staring" fear), and committed to give honest feedback about her feelings as I maintained more eye contact. Within that context, with ground rules and commitments laid out and my trust in her honesty, she did tell me, when I'd become anxious about it, that she liked it when I made eye contact with her, that it made her feel "close" to me, etc. The point is that it was all done in a very clear therapeutic context, with well-observed boundaries.
If your T compliments you it could be that she would compliment anyone in the same way, or that she's making a point of making honest, positive remarks specifically to help you. Now if she went into excessive detail about what she likes, how much she likes it, etc. that might be cause for concern.
> told you they would go for a cofe with you if they bumped into you outside...
This is OK too as long as it doesn't come off sounding too much like she's asking you on a date!
> she has done so very much to help me i now feel guilty for being like this about her..how dare i love another mans wife ina sexual way in my fantasy..!!!(((sg))) You've had a very long, emotionally intimate relationship with this woman. You're not out to wrong this man, her husband - your feelings developed independent of her life outside therapy. You recognize it as fantasy. Don't beat yourself up over these very natural feelings. Give yourself credit for the moral strength you show by recognizing that she's married and therefore your thoughts must remain in the realm of fantasy!
> someone some mad way through the years together i believed deep down she loved me too.
and you may well be right that she has loving feelings for you. It's a belief that harms nobody if you take this as further affirmation of your own lovability, and don't try to upset her own life.
> i went to therapy to help me, i was suicidal and in love with another man...now im in love with her...and i'm scared how wil i eer get past this feeling..?I know you only have a few more sessions... but please tell her what you've told us. Maybe she'll find a way to get you more sessions, or maybe she can point you somewhere else for help. You said she has helped you a lot and I'm sure she wants you to be well. Give her another chance to see your real pain and help you do something to ease the ache.
> i also am trying to find a therpait i can pay for a visit just to talk this over with another professional, but i feel like im betraying my beautiful kind and gentle therpaist...Not at all (((sg))). I think she would actually approve of your talking to someone else about this, especially since it sounds like she had some trouble handling your frank talk about your feelings for her. You speak of her in such glowing terms - "beautiful, kind and gentle" - and I'm sure your warm regard for her will come through in your discussion with another therapist just as it does when you talk to us here. It's not a betrayal at all. You might even leave your therapist a message letting her know you plan to do this, so it won't feel like you're seeing someone "behind her back."
> as i write this letter annonymously to you guys and girls here on babble...i feel maybe i could write a letter as if it was telling a person who didnt know me all my thought setc on all this and then i could just send it to her...Sure! You could probably even send this post...
> anyway, its done now..no point in crying over spilt milk...but this is my life, and im needing some advicce and some help..and the one person i love and respect so much is the one person im scared to tell all this to incase she is angry with me...
She is kind and gentle... if you write to tell her this, even if she is angry when she reads your letter she will have time to reflect before she sees you again. When she does, her response will be that of the beautiful, kind and gentle woman she is. Please trust her. Let your love and admiration be stronger than your fear.
> im a very unhappy woman right now...i know i sound pathetic, and should just deal with it..
You *are* dealing with it. Just stuffing the feelings somewhere and carrying on as if they didn't exist is not "dealing with it," so don't pretend that's what you would do if only you were "stronger."
> i know some people on here have much more problems than im having...There's room for everyone's problems.
> i am a christian woman and i should not be jealous, i shoukld not be wanting another mans wife...but i feel she was mine before she was his...(i know thats sick, and thats why im scared)
That's not "sick." It's not helpful, but it's not a sign of some unnatural depravity on your part, either. Everyone hurts when someone they love sexually is unavailable and loves another. As a Christian woman you also know you, like all of us, necessarily fall well short of perfection. Don't let this jealousy take even more power over you by believing it's a sign that there's something wrong with you that each and every one of us isn't also susceptible to.
> i felt nothing for the first 2 years...how ill i ever find sopmeone in the real world who will wait 2 years for me to love them a little...??You don't know what the future holds. Maybe, because of the progress you've made with her, you'll find it doesn't take 2 years to feel anything once you're open to loving someone else? Or maybe you'll get to know someone else who will also take 2 years to develop loving feelings toward you? The only way for you to find that love is to allow it to happen. Creating a litany of reasons you fear it might not happen simply isn't helpful.
> she treats me so normal at times, and doesnt seem to see my sickness..proabably because im afraid to show her incase she wont like me, and wont want to know me outside of therapy once it ends if she thinks im a stalker in love with her...Why do you call yourself a stalker just because you're "lovesick?" There are only two reasons I can think of that she would not want to know you outside of therapy because of your feelings for her. One is if you, in fact, were stalking her. I trust that you're not and you won't! The other is if you cannot keep yourself "under control" around her - that you often and inappropriately blurt out your deepest desires, express your jealousy of her husband, or constantly hit on her. It sounds like, if anything, you're all too able to "control yourself" even in the intimate setting of therapy. So if it's important for you to feel that she'd still enjoy sitting down with you over a cup of coffee, I don't think you have a thing to worry about!
> would you want someone feeling for you as I described feeling for her?? i dont think so!Actually, I think I would! Who doesn't want to be desired? Now I'd like to have control over exactly who felt that way about me! But my point is that there's nothing wrong with the depth of your feelings for her. The only problem is that the object of your desire is someone you can't have.
> im inshock and im horribly over concerned about her and not about myself.
Do you mean that you're *thinking* only of her? Because I don't see why you'd be "concerned about" her, if by that you mean you're worried about her. Do you mean you're worried that somehow you might hurt her?
> so is this normal behaviour? am i in therpay for nothing..what the heck have we been doing for 4 years??After all the people who have spilled their guts here about falling in love with therapists, it's safe to say this is somewhat normal!
And hasn't she helped in many ways? It doesn't sound at all like it's been 4 years for nothing. It just sounds like you're now longing for something more.
> i guess those questions are irrelivent, as you all have differet therapist with diff boundaries...so there is no normal ..it just that those things mean things to me...mean more to me than just a pen or a call..
So... are you trying to decide whether you read too much into those things? It's pretty normal for mundane things to take on enormous meaning when you associate them with someone you love, whether or not they were intended to be deeply meaningful. Maybe you did read "too much" into them, maybe not. Try not to worry about it so much!
> plus in my dreams she always loves to have sex with me, and i waken feeling comforted and loved by her...other nights i dream of her holding me as a little girl and cuddling me...she doesnt know any of this...as i stoped teeling her my dreams a while ago..
Enjoy these dreams as dreams. Who wouldn't want dreams like these?
SG, don't be too hard on yourself. What you're experiencing is normal, if intense, human emotion, and it's difficult to deal with. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all. I hope your experience loving your therapist is good "practice" for the day you find someone who can return your love.
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 10:19:33
In reply to Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex trigger, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
Dear babblers
i ment 18 months ago and not 198 months ago...it was a mistake, my fault for never reading my post again before i confirm to post it...im lazy and impulsive sometimes ..
i apologise for my messy post and making you read it all spelled wrongly... i will take my time in future and not rush..-----------------------------------------------------------------
as for my therpist and i, at my last apt on tuesday, i cried like a baby the wHole way through, and she extends the time always to give me more time way over the hour by half an hour...
WE ARGUED ABOUT THE ENDING, BUT MOSTLY I WAS HEART BROKEN AND JUST COULDNT STOP CRYING, then she comforted me and talked to me, like a mother to her baby...saying ssshhh ssshhh sshhh, lets see how we can fix this....and then she would try to make me laff...and just is very motherly and loving with me...and smiling into my eyes...
we bumped into each other a couple of times as well...when i was picking up all the hankies from the place at the end and bending down to put them in the bin...she bumped into me a couple of times...and its aleays so nice to feel her full body on me...or i mean it would be nice, and it's pleasant to touch her in any way...we often find our hands touch or somehting judt if we are passing something to each other...there has to be good reason...if i can find a good reason to get close to her she allows it....so i have spent and wasted ages doing just that...
anyway , its over now...and I have to think to the future..i have to be someone she would like to know,more importantly be someone i would like to know, and not a boring person sitting crying my heart out and doing myself no favours...i dont mind being boring so i take that back, but i mean all the other things i said...
and,i cried bawling my heart and eyes out as if i was a baby of about 2 yers old who didnt want to let her mother go...so she knows all about the child /mother transference...as i had nothing to hide and she had nothing to fear from that...but the sexual stuff i hid away incase she ended me sooner...and she thought it was having a bad effect on me, seeing her....im just so sorry we have not been able to work throught the sexual transference...and on further refelction i dont think a reveal all letter will solce the issue...with 4 more appts to go its not enought time to really work on it...and she will only be forced to back off, and to reject and hurt me...as she is very thicall and morally sound...she just goes over the boundaries because she knows i want her so much, and she also must enjoy my comapny in a way if she does it as she ultimeatly has control...
so im going to have to deal with this some other way ...like egt over it, and just get on with my life an d be thank ful i have met someone i love very much and i will always remember and like and love ...and she says she will always remeber me...
she says she doesnt love me, but i wouldnt think of anyone on christmas morning unless i loved them....but maybe i read too much into it...as i notice lots of us in therapy from reading the post above included, we can worry about everyhting thing in a way that noone else even has noticed...
im learning this is one of my big problems and need to learn how not to misinterpret things in life....
Love SG
Posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 10:31:32
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex trigger, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 10:19:33
>>> i have to be someone she would like to know,more importantly be someone i would like to know, and not a boring person sitting crying my heart out and doing myself no favours...
I've read some of your past posts but I don't really have a "complete" picture of you. My initial reaction to this need is that you already ARE someone she would like to know. She's really said as much already. She would sit down for coffee with you if you bumped into each other. She likes your hair, the way you dress. She said she thought of you at Christmas. She says she doesn't "love" you, but I'm certain what she means by that is romantic love. At the very least she likes you!
And if you're good enough for her, it sounds like you should be good enough for yourself.
What do you like to do? What if she called you up and said, "I'm bored, let's go do something together?" What would you like to suggest (that doesn't involve sex)?
Now go out and do that, by yourself or with other people. Even if you feel too much like your heart is about to burst to do anything. It's what she'd want you to do!
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 10:49:54
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri, posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 10:31:32
Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!! Caraher..!!! you have touched me in a deep way with your help...
im sobbing in a good way....and will reply further answering your question etc once im washed and dresed...
oh my god you have been sooooooooo helpful ...
God bless you Caraher ..
oh, still sobbing in a healing balmy feling way...thank you i thought i was going out of mind mind....SG
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 11:29:07
In reply to Whoops. Link was wrong., posted by Dinah on January 27, 2007, at 10:15:19
Dear Dinah...
I ALSO WANT TO SAY THANKS TO YOU FOR CARING AND SHARING AND HELPING ME WITH BEARING WITH THIS BURDEN....
HELPING ME WALK ON , AND BE SAFE AND MANAGE TO BREATHE AGAIN WITH LESS PAIN IN EACH BREATHE...
i'M SOBBING MY SELF HERE ...
BUT IN A RELIEVED WAY I HOPE...SINCE ITS BEEN HORRIFIC WHAT IVE GONE THROUGH SINCE TUESDAY...
ACTUALLY FOR A WHILE NOW AFTER EACH APPT IVE BEEN IN TREMENDOUS PAIN....and i fear i will have to encounter this pain again and agin for the remaining appts which are, well, my next one is february 27th... then the following after that is in april...
I STILL NOT WASHED AND ITS 16.53 PM BUT I HAVE DRWN A BATH WITH IM GOING TO GO IN AND CRY MY HEALING TEARS...
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH DINAH...
-------------------------------------------------p.s.
I bought in session in summer of 2005 soon as the transference began...it was my first book on the subject..and very helpful since then i must have bought aroung 35 books no exageration...on the theraputic relationship...and they all helped me a lot..
now i need more of a personal touch, as now im down to the wire...now it's really happening the thing i thought i would never allow to happen to me... truly utterly loving her
and i have to sort out all of it, christian love sexual love freindly love, womanly love, human love, love for another person i admire,...and love for the best mother psychologically i ever ever had...
she's my mummy to my inner child who came back live from the dead in Oct 2005, her heart began to beat again that night...
i've written her (to my therapist) poems expalining my love for her and how i feel has happened to my inner child..., and i always give her cards ive made and lots of little things like an angel, which she keeps in her office.and other gifts which she took home to put on her xmas tree...and just stuff i make, or collect at the beach...
and mothersday cards birthday cards, although i dont know when it is i dont care not knowing the exact date, i just pick a date each year as i know she has one each year and she agrees with me that yes she has a birthday each year because she was born once upon a time...loli love to give back to her..and in the world i only ever gave sex, but ive not had intimacy now for 7 years with a man...but i had a brief liasion for a few months this time last year with a woman..and we used it to work on in therapy ...used it to see my bad behaviour in relationships and how to look at changing myself...
anyway, i also just give her cards when i feel the need to express something i make them myself though...i always print things and use ribbon and glue etc...just like a child that i never ever was...and when she egts them she always looks like shes going to cry , i feel sorry for her having to hide her feelings, but the state have very strict guidelines...
i wonder if she hasnt cried sometimes once ive left the room...once i gave her a round peice of wood that looked like a tiny stone with a picture of me on one side as a small baby laying on my back...and i wrote on the other side...'dont forget me' ..i put it in a box with shells and leves and other little things of no monetary value...
she refused to go through that box with me then, i hope she wasnt angry...she seemed to be torn between liking it all and needing to try so hard to push me away...
and i made her a tape of music..oh i could go on and on ..but i better leave all that there..
i could tell you loadz of stuf, but its probably unnesseccary, and i will be taking up your time which you have given freely and willing to me..
im so grateful and i will also write back when im bathed ...and able to do it..about your other post on this thread....
that was a long p.s.
------------------------------------------------
p.p.s. I have stopped crying because i have been writting this i feel too soon after your reply..i should have let the words you and carher said to me sink into my soul...but i so wanted to give you thanks straight away...thats why i said all this..i only ment to say i will reply later and then i wrote all this...
I should have soaled up your good advice and Caraher's but i still not in my bath and it now 17.18 pm...
does that make any sense that i want to give everything away s soon as i get help, i cant keep the good feeling, i have to pour myself back, and well no wonder im falling apart...and have no one in my life...
who would want to love me for any serious lasting relationship... with my emotional problems... so thank you once again for your time. you are appreciated by me.
p.p.p.s i hope noone ever knows who i am on this as ive shared so much about the gifts i give her..very private stuff...
i hope noone thinks less of me for sharing it with the world of babble..
much respect to you Dinah...and anyone else who so wishes to reply i'd welcome your posts..and if i can help you with anything pls ask as i would like to feel useful...
from,
Scentedgarden
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 21:32:17
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Scentedgarden, posted by Dinah on January 27, 2007, at 10:12:41
dear dinah, im sorry i have gone ott in my earlier reply to you..please forgive me, i was NOt trying to seem big headed or boasting about the gifts i give her..i was so emotional thats all and i gor carried away with the help on here...im sorry if i sounded pompous, so pompous that noone else wants to posts to me and now i will prob get blocked for posting too much...
so i want to aplogise to all reading this thread im not trying to imoress any of you i just need a lot of help right now..
and i hurt so much...and i dont know how to reply to the threads the way i want to line upon line its all so confusing writing back to everyone...
so please dont think bad of me..
and pls accept my apologies again for sharing tooo much...
i know im ott and i wish i wasnt...
bye
Posted by Dinah on January 28, 2007, at 0:02:57
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Dinah, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 21:32:17
No, no. You didn't write anything wrong.
I understand how hard termination must be.
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 7:55:46
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Scentedgarden, posted by Dinah on January 28, 2007, at 0:02:57
> No, no. You didn't write anything wrong.
>
> I understand how hard termination must be.OH IT IS KILLING ME..
NOT BECUASE IO LOSE THE BEST MUM I EVER HAD..
BUT BECAUSE IM DYING OF ADULT SEXUAL LOVE FOR HER ....
SHE DOES NOT KNOW I KNOW SHE IS MARRIED....
AND I ONLY REALLY KNEW 4 DAYS AGO...I GUESS I WAS BLIND TO IT OR I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HER BIG HUGE DIAMOND WEDDING RING ON HER WEDDING FINGER THAT SHE HAD ON THE FIRST APPT BACK FROM A LONG 3 WEEK BREAK LAST SEPT ....and she stil wera every time we meet..
i knew somehting was brewing with her...she is a large lady which i just think is so beautiful, and then she began to lose weight , you know as every womwn tends to want to loose a few pounds for their big day ...
she looked fantasic...her hair was changing too..she was getting mpre sexy and more beautiful just before her wedding...
that was in agust last year 2006 and that was the month i told her i wanted to f*ck her brains out and make her moan with pleasure beacuse i cared so much for her, and i wanted her to touch me everywhere, and f*ck me till i couldnt tske it any more.....or words to that effect...
she had a hard time that session...dealing with it...she kept on asking me not to say it...and i wanted her to help me..to get to the root of my sexual desire for her this beautiful woman i did not really know...
i had asked her tons to rell me if she was married and had kids but she refused ....every time she refused to where it was just a joke i would ask she would say NO! and that was it...
i know more about anyone else on the planet than her..i mea any movie star...singer....president...prim minister....we all know their whole life...marriages eyc...children family where they live...just normal mundane every day life....
then when she wouldnt tell me i got a bit obsessed.
it hurt so much..not knowing as its natural for me to nwant to know...
she wouldnt even say which hairdresser she used...
i felt very hurt and almost left the sesion and the therapy one day...i said if you cant tell me which hairdresser...im not siting here talking to you about my whole life...
anyway i stayed but parts of me have had to hide in there ever since...
i mean i pick up everything about her...
but i dont let on i know..as this will push her away, so to prevent losing her i let her feel i dont care anymore about those mundane details...
so when she came back with the big wedding ring.. i told myself its only a dress ring...
but then i noticed she changed in little ways...
you know how husbands and wives over the years tend to begin to look like each other...?
well, her demeanour changed... just something different like she was more grown up...
then her smell changed...i could smell man off of her...when she was near me...
she also got a new car, like as a weddng present...
plus i had a dream that she was getting married in maonth, i dreamed the other staff who work there told me this...
i have a good rapport with her private secretary...
also then i saw her new name on a document somewhere that she is registered etc...
then on wed morning after my tuesday appt i woke up knowing for 100% SHE REALLY IS MARRIED!
tHIS PAIN IS KILLING ME For a bunch of reasons
1. she doesnt know i know...2. she doesnt know i care anymore like that about her... as she asked me not to say it..
3. if she thinks im dying with pain inside of thinking of her pleasing another man, and being pleased and kissing him and touching him and him touching her...she will be furious with me..
4.right now she thinks im kinda kool....i mean ive not mentioned sex with her for ages, and i can see she doesnt know really how to handle my desire for her...
so if i told her all this i'd chnage from the nice woman she likes and feels comfy with ...into the charcter from fatal attraction...( thats an exageration but to pain the picture she may feel)
^. my fantasys since i suspected she had got married ...my sexual fantasy has included her husband in a three some setting...
this was my only way of dealing with my pain at the time...
and of cours i have had the most intense climaxes over and over, and each one has beena wilder, and more intimate encounter between all threee of us...
fantasy that she want to share her husband with me...
fantasy he obeys her and does hat she tells him to do to me...she is alos making love to me at the same time...i can honestly say that i have never in all my life wanted to be at the centre of a three people having sex... it has never been something i wanted...
deep down i always wanted to be loved and 3some had no roonm for that..
but because i love her so much ...i have made up this fantasy, so i could keep her....
i am very very worried i may be going mentally insane...
i have since entering hterapy been able to admit i want a family of my own...
anyway i have even recently in my latest fantasy, pictured her husband impregnating me, and her helping, so that i could have her baby and i would have her baby....
this is really sick...!!1!!!!
i know it's disgraceful and im utterly devasted at my thoughts and myself...
i have had the most pleasure ever in a mastuerbatory sense, and im feeling more guilt than i can bear...
and i dont know how to stop...!!???
Im in very deep...
i thought i could control it...
yesterday your kind words and carahers words gave me comfort... but by this morning i have felt sinking worse into the despair of losiing the woman i never had but to me she feels so real...
im very good at imagining things...i have now got myself into this mess...
im ashamed..
im disgusting...but all i wnated was to be loved, ............
i trusted her husband would not abuse me, because he loves her and she loves me, and i love her...im crying so sadly...as i know this is hopeless
but all i wanted was love real love, and she makes me feel more love than ive ever felt...
7. reasons i cant tell her all this is...i think my attachment to her is way too strong..and if she knew then she would run away and leave me immediately, instaed of the way we have agreed it.. which is to wind down over a year...
8. i cant go to another herapist, as they ll know each other ...they are in the same society...this is a small island...
9. if i told anyone of them what i have told you...there's a big chance they may know her...
plus im state funded, so im not allowed to consult another...if they knew, is she knew she would be most unhappy...
i have a case file inches thick...if in the future i go to another therpaist ...they will have to see all her notes from the last 4 years...
SO YOU SEE I JUST SIMPLY CANT TELL ANOTHER THERPAIST , as im not in the position to pay for it myself...
if i go to my gp. he will recomment another therpaist...which i cant do becaus ei dont ever wqant mmy lovely self contained and beautifully wholw womanly therapist to ever know the devastaion in my soul...because of my love for her...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------i know that real love is not this way...i believ real love is what paul describes in corinthians chapter 13 >> SORRY THIS IS KING JAMES VERSION
>> Charity (love) suffereth long,
....and is kind;
...charity(love) envieth not;
...LOVE vaunteth n ot itself, is not puffed up,
....Doth not behave itself unseemly,
...seeketh not her own,
....is not easily provoked,
...thinkeths no evil;
....rejoiceth not in iniquity,
..but rejoiceth in the |TRuth;
....Beareth all things,
...believeth all things,
....hopeth all things,
..endureth all things,LOVE ..never fails>
>
( please i must add i dont want to harm or offfend anyone by my quoting this scripture from the holy bible...it is only my opinion, and would never eever encraoch on the beliefs of other babblers...this is to do with my post and only my postm it is not a preach at anyone it is part of my life..)I am a very strong christian...and when i went into therapy i was even feeling bad for mastuerbating, she, my precious T has helped me to accept god is not angry at me for having sex with myself, she has helped me fall out of love with an abusive man...and she has stolen my heart with her beautiful smile and gentle spirit..
((she even helped me to accept i have same sex desires, and that i proably can go both ways as its the person i get turned on by and not their genitals..))not to mantion her intellect and her gorgeous large figure...
her eyes, her hands, her arms,,,her hair
vice, clothes, shoes, walk, teeth, jewllery,
her heart, her desire to help people, her girft of therapy, her lifestyle, her choices, her laugh, and goodness, her moral fiber, her stron work ethics,, her obvious like of me...
her eyes shine and smile when we are together...her voice is happy and lihgt when she isnt being a firm mother with me..or im exasperating her and she sighs.. big sighs...
------------------------------------------------
Oh GOD PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME>>>>
iD RATHER PASS OUT THAN FEEL THIS PAIN......
WILL IT EVER END..? OR WILL I BE INSANE...?
PLEASE CAN ANYONE THERE PRAY FOR ME...OR REPLY TO ME IF THEY CAN SAY SOMEHTING THAT WILL HELP ME TO CHANGE ALL THIS...???
i know thats a silly request like a child asking it to all be better just witha magic word, but i do believe in miracles, i do have hope...
hope is all ive had for 12 years... hope is good, hope is better than no hope...
before i asked god into my life i had no hope...that was 12 yrs ago
i had wanted to die when i was young many times...with abusive men who couldnt love me back..
i had nothing to live for except maybe a baby...
but i knew noone i could hve a baby with...i want my baby to be conceived in love...
plus i was a fraid i wouldnt emotionally love my baby...as i didnot know how...
SO MY THERAPUTIC ALLIANCE HAS CHANGED ALL THAT.
SHE HAS SHOWN ME EMOTIONAL LOVE..SHE HAS LOVED MY LITTLE INNERCHIULD BACK FROM THE DEAD...
SHE HAS given me a gift i can one day pass to my own daughter...emotional nurture, and protection.
she has helped me openly admit that yes i do want a husband and a family, as when i went into therapy i was kicking and screaming at the world,,,i dont want to be married and have kids...
od course i was full of b*llshit just saying the opposite of what felt deep in my soul...but then it ws so deep in side i didnt nknow i was faking...
she also has been responsible for helping me fall out of love with my dear ex boyfriend who abused me for yrs since age 18...
but the thing is i fell in love with her instaed..
anyhting and anyone was better than my ex boyfriend, as i never thought it was possible for me to love any other human being than he.so i was free at last from him, and only slightly in love with my therpaist...all this after 2 yrs in therpay...
then the transference kicked in hard...but hse said its only another name for feelings...but we call it that in this profession...
thats when i got all the books i could find over the next 18 months...and the books helped me to see what i was going through...
soo i didnt have to tell her i was cracking up, i just read about it in one of my books and thought okay that wont happen to me...
beacause i know now so i wont letv myself fall in love with a therpaist...
but i kept going and we rowed mostly week in week out... as a row is apssionate too, and i couldnt kiss her week in wee out...but i wanted to...
i always fantays i go in to the session and we close the door and make love the whole hour...
anyway i have no idea why im writting all this on here, as i also said i will never share all my life on babble boards...i will only read them and learn but im not so bad i have to tell everyone my sh*t...
NOW LOOK AT ME, BEGGING FOR SOME HELP FROM HERE!!!
but really who else can i turn to? my family think its weird to care and be attache to THERAPIST!!! they have no idea and say things like were said in the friends are confusing post by Daisym...
i cant tell my therpaist or i wouldnt see her for her dust as she runs away fast she possible can...
i can afford another private therpist...and dont know if i could go through this again..
i have very few friends...i cant intrude on them as noone else understnds it ...
ive thought about dying but i dont think thats an option...i may need to go insane though which is also not a good option...
MAYBE I WILL GET OVER IT ...!!
YESTERDAY I FELT BETTER FOR A FEW HOURS ..and i did speak tomy family online and telefone about litle things...
so i have a life but i have been crying since tuesday and have not evn been out my house since tuesday...
anayway now im at a place i have not read in a book... apart from the old stories where young woman like anna 'o' had imaginary pregnacy with her psychiatrist.. that was a 100 years ago or more...
this is the modern world but im in an old fashioned therpay love, and my therpaist cant handle it...so i backed off to save out relationship.our therputic relationship...
if she knew all this i know her , she would run away...as she is not pyschodynamic...she is a clinical psychologist... doing CB bloody T ...
how ironic is that???
=================================================i wrote this poem on 13th January 2007
even before i knew for sure conciously, i knew sub conciously way back that she was ..++Married++... pls read on
im sorry im afraid to share it i really would like to but i think ive said too much already..
thank you for yout ime reading this...
i doubt anyone out there has fallen to hard and deep in love with their therpaist so i dont think i'll find much response, but if there is even a therpaist reading this plse talk to me...
or babble mail me...as this is so personal...
but im also aware that some other people one day may be in a similar boat to me, so i hope they can fins=d comfort in knowing they are not alone and that i too have gone off my head in love for my therpaist..
see i know this is wrong, i tried to stop it..
but all i was doing was avoiding it..
fooling myself inot thinking i was capable of going on ...now she is deff married and now im deff being terminated..all be it my last session wont be until the 6 month folllow up next christmas..is this going to be the most apinful year of my life... dying a little each time i see her 4 times between now and the summer...then wait 6 months for the big finale.?
sorry this is long ..but my mind has been on over load for a very long time...
i have had no recourse to write tlike this to anyone else...
i have written to her but those letters are cryptic, because i only portray the healthy side of me to her...
i tell her how good my future will be, i tell her i want to be like her ; calm kool clever, happy,, and so on...and i keep it lightish...
so as not to scare my wee gorgeous amazing therapist.
.and id hate her to get into trouble...if she thought she had encouraged my behaviour and love for her she would be upset...
she has iencouraged it but only because i led her to believe she was safe to indulge me...
im far too clever for my own good...thats what people used to tell me...
how i wonder what its like to be straight forward with no complexities as mine..
even if i gave this to her to read, do you seriously think she would say oka scentedgarden, that fine lets discuss it and still have a great therpautic relationship..?
i dont think so...!!!
she would nevcer fone me again, never go over her time with me again... never let me love her with gifts again... never want to tlak if she saw me outside again..
everything would change...
so i must change
or live in pain
or die
***happy sunday to everyone...)))
SG
Posted by frida on January 28, 2007, at 11:51:30
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri, posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 7:55:46
Scentedgarden,
I just wanted to say I've read your post...and I am sending you support through all this.
I wish it didn't hurt so much. I can understand part of it because I am deeply attached to my T, but I see her as a mother. I wish she were my mommy and I fantasize about her as a mother that will come and hold me and stroke my hair, and hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok..and tell me she loves me..I too have given her a lot of gifts and she blends the boundaries for me quite a bit.
i understand deep attachment, and I can't imagine not having my T in my life.I know sharing all you have shared here with your T is so hard and difficult. But maybe you can start a little smaller, and at least let her know you are hurting? She might be able to help you...Maybe you can let her know you are hurting, and you are struggling with feelings for her? at least start small and see where that takes you? I think going through your next sessions without telling her anything and hiding how you truly feel and just pretending you are ok will be very painful for you..
I know you feel scared of telling her all this..but maybe if you set yourself a smaller goal you can tell her a little so she could help you find some relief to it?I wish I could help more,you are hurting so much, I wish you could find some relief to this soon...
sending you support,
Frida
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 18:23:48
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Scentedgarden, posted by frida on January 28, 2007, at 11:51:30
> Scentedgarden,
>
hi frida> I just wanted to say I've read your post...and I am sending you support through all this.
**********thank you ...
>
> I wish it didn't hurt so much. I can understand part of it because I am deeply attached to my T, but I see her as a mother. I wish she were my mommy and I fantasize about her as a mother that will come and hold me and stroke my hair, and hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok..and tell me she loves me..I too have given her a lot of gifts and she blends the boundaries for me quite a bit.***what do you mean, plz elaborate a little for me, on the blending thing,as all im thinking is of a blender making runny soup...
> i understand deep attachment, and I can't imagine not having my T in my life.
***someone just pointed out to me that my inner child has only been awakened 2 yrs ago so she is still vulnerable...how can my t think its time to leave me? she is wrong . i know she is wrong now...but she thinks she is right...she doesnt normally do nthis type of therpay work using the relationship...
>
> I know sharing all you have shared here with your T is so hard and difficult.But maybe you can start a little smaller, and at least let her know you are hurting? She might be able to help you...Maybe you can let her know you are hurting, and you are struggling with feelings for her? at least start small and see where that takes you?
****please see the post 'does anyone think i should just leave therpay now?...
I think going through your next sessions without telling her anything and hiding how you truly feel and just pretending you are ok will be very painful for you..
*******the pain is already killing me ... i cant do this anymore i want out...i want to run... i want to be whole...i cant think straight, i have a child here crying and talking like a very little girl..and where is my therapist?
****at home f*cking her husband...God forgive me for my angry jealousy...oh im so sorry truly i am...and i never ment this to happen..
> I know you feel scared of telling her all this..but maybe if you set yourself a smaller goal you can tell her a little so she could help you find some relief to it?
****i wish that was true ...but i cant go throught is till 27th feb... thats my next appt...waiting that time for one hour..!
***i feel she thinks our relationship is stable now...that im almost out the door, so she doesnt have to worry about me anymore...but,i was more honest to her secretary on the phone last week than i was in the bloody session..although i did cry as toddler for most of the time and we had an hour and a half...
>
> I wish I could help more,you are hurting so much, I wish you could find some relief to this soon...****you just having you reply and take time to write to me like this from your heart is what helps, and is supporting me...
>
> sending you support,***thank you deeply for caring and replying, and to all who casre but cant reply thnak you too.
sg
****else like to help me please comment i really need some of your help ...im sorry this is complex for you all..
GOD BLESS YOU ALL
Posted by Jo U.K on January 29, 2007, at 6:45:55
In reply to my post Isn't long now ...and is not sex trigger. » frida, posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 18:23:48
I read your posts, the anguish you feel is evident and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no experience to draw on and may be anything I say will therefore sound a little crass, but I will just send my thoughts and support to you SG, I hope you can work through this.
Regards
Jo
Posted by Scentedgarden on January 29, 2007, at 10:15:26
In reply to Re: my post Isn't long now ...and is not sex trigger., posted by Jo U.K on January 29, 2007, at 6:45:55
> I read your posts,
***thanks it was lot of reading...the anguish you feel is evident
** thanks for seing that too..
and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have no experience to draw on**you are very wise then, to say that...inwhich case i WOULD be interested in what you have to say, really i would. everyhting helps now..
and may be anything I say will therefore sound a little crass,
***today i spoke to 2 samaritans that was kinda crass!! then all the others i spoke to were all apid by either by charity, private or state fundings...so i would love to just hear the thought s from someones heart and not their job descropition...
but I will just send my thoughts and support to you SG, I hope you can work through this.
**much appreciated. and if u want to say something more, pls do as id welcome it.
> Regards
> Joregards garden
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