Posted by Scentedgarden on January 28, 2007, at 7:55:46
In reply to Re: Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex tri » Scentedgarden, posted by Dinah on January 28, 2007, at 0:02:57
> No, no. You didn't write anything wrong.
>
> I understand how hard termination must be.OH IT IS KILLING ME..
NOT BECUASE IO LOSE THE BEST MUM I EVER HAD..
BUT BECAUSE IM DYING OF ADULT SEXUAL LOVE FOR HER ....
SHE DOES NOT KNOW I KNOW SHE IS MARRIED....
AND I ONLY REALLY KNEW 4 DAYS AGO...I GUESS I WAS BLIND TO IT OR I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HER BIG HUGE DIAMOND WEDDING RING ON HER WEDDING FINGER THAT SHE HAD ON THE FIRST APPT BACK FROM A LONG 3 WEEK BREAK LAST SEPT ....and she stil wera every time we meet..
i knew somehting was brewing with her...she is a large lady which i just think is so beautiful, and then she began to lose weight , you know as every womwn tends to want to loose a few pounds for their big day ...
she looked fantasic...her hair was changing too..she was getting mpre sexy and more beautiful just before her wedding...
that was in agust last year 2006 and that was the month i told her i wanted to f*ck her brains out and make her moan with pleasure beacuse i cared so much for her, and i wanted her to touch me everywhere, and f*ck me till i couldnt tske it any more.....or words to that effect...
she had a hard time that session...dealing with it...she kept on asking me not to say it...and i wanted her to help me..to get to the root of my sexual desire for her this beautiful woman i did not really know...
i had asked her tons to rell me if she was married and had kids but she refused ....every time she refused to where it was just a joke i would ask she would say NO! and that was it...
i know more about anyone else on the planet than her..i mea any movie star...singer....president...prim minister....we all know their whole life...marriages eyc...children family where they live...just normal mundane every day life....
then when she wouldnt tell me i got a bit obsessed.
it hurt so much..not knowing as its natural for me to nwant to know...
she wouldnt even say which hairdresser she used...
i felt very hurt and almost left the sesion and the therapy one day...i said if you cant tell me which hairdresser...im not siting here talking to you about my whole life...
anyway i stayed but parts of me have had to hide in there ever since...
i mean i pick up everything about her...
but i dont let on i know..as this will push her away, so to prevent losing her i let her feel i dont care anymore about those mundane details...
so when she came back with the big wedding ring.. i told myself its only a dress ring...
but then i noticed she changed in little ways...
you know how husbands and wives over the years tend to begin to look like each other...?
well, her demeanour changed... just something different like she was more grown up...
then her smell changed...i could smell man off of her...when she was near me...
she also got a new car, like as a weddng present...
plus i had a dream that she was getting married in maonth, i dreamed the other staff who work there told me this...
i have a good rapport with her private secretary...
also then i saw her new name on a document somewhere that she is registered etc...
then on wed morning after my tuesday appt i woke up knowing for 100% SHE REALLY IS MARRIED!
tHIS PAIN IS KILLING ME For a bunch of reasons
1. she doesnt know i know...2. she doesnt know i care anymore like that about her... as she asked me not to say it..
3. if she thinks im dying with pain inside of thinking of her pleasing another man, and being pleased and kissing him and touching him and him touching her...she will be furious with me..
4.right now she thinks im kinda kool....i mean ive not mentioned sex with her for ages, and i can see she doesnt know really how to handle my desire for her...
so if i told her all this i'd chnage from the nice woman she likes and feels comfy with ...into the charcter from fatal attraction...( thats an exageration but to pain the picture she may feel)
^. my fantasys since i suspected she had got married ...my sexual fantasy has included her husband in a three some setting...
this was my only way of dealing with my pain at the time...
and of cours i have had the most intense climaxes over and over, and each one has beena wilder, and more intimate encounter between all threee of us...
fantasy that she want to share her husband with me...
fantasy he obeys her and does hat she tells him to do to me...she is alos making love to me at the same time...i can honestly say that i have never in all my life wanted to be at the centre of a three people having sex... it has never been something i wanted...
deep down i always wanted to be loved and 3some had no roonm for that..
but because i love her so much ...i have made up this fantasy, so i could keep her....
i am very very worried i may be going mentally insane...
i have since entering hterapy been able to admit i want a family of my own...
anyway i have even recently in my latest fantasy, pictured her husband impregnating me, and her helping, so that i could have her baby and i would have her baby....
this is really sick...!!1!!!!
i know it's disgraceful and im utterly devasted at my thoughts and myself...
i have had the most pleasure ever in a mastuerbatory sense, and im feeling more guilt than i can bear...
and i dont know how to stop...!!???
Im in very deep...
i thought i could control it...
yesterday your kind words and carahers words gave me comfort... but by this morning i have felt sinking worse into the despair of losiing the woman i never had but to me she feels so real...
im very good at imagining things...i have now got myself into this mess...
im ashamed..
im disgusting...but all i wnated was to be loved, ............
i trusted her husband would not abuse me, because he loves her and she loves me, and i love her...im crying so sadly...as i know this is hopeless
but all i wanted was love real love, and she makes me feel more love than ive ever felt...
7. reasons i cant tell her all this is...i think my attachment to her is way too strong..and if she knew then she would run away and leave me immediately, instaed of the way we have agreed it.. which is to wind down over a year...
8. i cant go to another herapist, as they ll know each other ...they are in the same society...this is a small island...
9. if i told anyone of them what i have told you...there's a big chance they may know her...
plus im state funded, so im not allowed to consult another...if they knew, is she knew she would be most unhappy...
i have a case file inches thick...if in the future i go to another therpaist ...they will have to see all her notes from the last 4 years...
SO YOU SEE I JUST SIMPLY CANT TELL ANOTHER THERPAIST , as im not in the position to pay for it myself...
if i go to my gp. he will recomment another therpaist...which i cant do becaus ei dont ever wqant mmy lovely self contained and beautifully wholw womanly therapist to ever know the devastaion in my soul...because of my love for her...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------i know that real love is not this way...i believ real love is what paul describes in corinthians chapter 13 >> SORRY THIS IS KING JAMES VERSION
>> Charity (love) suffereth long,
....and is kind;
...charity(love) envieth not;
...LOVE vaunteth n ot itself, is not puffed up,
....Doth not behave itself unseemly,
...seeketh not her own,
....is not easily provoked,
...thinkeths no evil;
....rejoiceth not in iniquity,
..but rejoiceth in the |TRuth;
....Beareth all things,
...believeth all things,
....hopeth all things,
..endureth all things,LOVE ..never fails>
>
( please i must add i dont want to harm or offfend anyone by my quoting this scripture from the holy bible...it is only my opinion, and would never eever encraoch on the beliefs of other babblers...this is to do with my post and only my postm it is not a preach at anyone it is part of my life..)I am a very strong christian...and when i went into therapy i was even feeling bad for mastuerbating, she, my precious T has helped me to accept god is not angry at me for having sex with myself, she has helped me fall out of love with an abusive man...and she has stolen my heart with her beautiful smile and gentle spirit..
((she even helped me to accept i have same sex desires, and that i proably can go both ways as its the person i get turned on by and not their genitals..))not to mantion her intellect and her gorgeous large figure...
her eyes, her hands, her arms,,,her hair
vice, clothes, shoes, walk, teeth, jewllery,
her heart, her desire to help people, her girft of therapy, her lifestyle, her choices, her laugh, and goodness, her moral fiber, her stron work ethics,, her obvious like of me...
her eyes shine and smile when we are together...her voice is happy and lihgt when she isnt being a firm mother with me..or im exasperating her and she sighs.. big sighs...
------------------------------------------------
Oh GOD PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME>>>>
iD RATHER PASS OUT THAN FEEL THIS PAIN......
WILL IT EVER END..? OR WILL I BE INSANE...?
PLEASE CAN ANYONE THERE PRAY FOR ME...OR REPLY TO ME IF THEY CAN SAY SOMEHTING THAT WILL HELP ME TO CHANGE ALL THIS...???
i know thats a silly request like a child asking it to all be better just witha magic word, but i do believe in miracles, i do have hope...
hope is all ive had for 12 years... hope is good, hope is better than no hope...
before i asked god into my life i had no hope...that was 12 yrs ago
i had wanted to die when i was young many times...with abusive men who couldnt love me back..
i had nothing to live for except maybe a baby...
but i knew noone i could hve a baby with...i want my baby to be conceived in love...
plus i was a fraid i wouldnt emotionally love my baby...as i didnot know how...
SO MY THERAPUTIC ALLIANCE HAS CHANGED ALL THAT.
SHE HAS SHOWN ME EMOTIONAL LOVE..SHE HAS LOVED MY LITTLE INNERCHIULD BACK FROM THE DEAD...
SHE HAS given me a gift i can one day pass to my own daughter...emotional nurture, and protection.
she has helped me openly admit that yes i do want a husband and a family, as when i went into therapy i was kicking and screaming at the world,,,i dont want to be married and have kids...
od course i was full of b*llshit just saying the opposite of what felt deep in my soul...but then it ws so deep in side i didnt nknow i was faking...
she also has been responsible for helping me fall out of love with my dear ex boyfriend who abused me for yrs since age 18...
but the thing is i fell in love with her instaed..
anyhting and anyone was better than my ex boyfriend, as i never thought it was possible for me to love any other human being than he.so i was free at last from him, and only slightly in love with my therpaist...all this after 2 yrs in therpay...
then the transference kicked in hard...but hse said its only another name for feelings...but we call it that in this profession...
thats when i got all the books i could find over the next 18 months...and the books helped me to see what i was going through...
soo i didnt have to tell her i was cracking up, i just read about it in one of my books and thought okay that wont happen to me...
beacause i know now so i wont letv myself fall in love with a therpaist...
but i kept going and we rowed mostly week in week out... as a row is apssionate too, and i couldnt kiss her week in wee out...but i wanted to...
i always fantays i go in to the session and we close the door and make love the whole hour...
anyway i have no idea why im writting all this on here, as i also said i will never share all my life on babble boards...i will only read them and learn but im not so bad i have to tell everyone my sh*t...
NOW LOOK AT ME, BEGGING FOR SOME HELP FROM HERE!!!
but really who else can i turn to? my family think its weird to care and be attache to THERAPIST!!! they have no idea and say things like were said in the friends are confusing post by Daisym...
i cant tell my therpaist or i wouldnt see her for her dust as she runs away fast she possible can...
i can afford another private therpist...and dont know if i could go through this again..
i have very few friends...i cant intrude on them as noone else understnds it ...
ive thought about dying but i dont think thats an option...i may need to go insane though which is also not a good option...
MAYBE I WILL GET OVER IT ...!!
YESTERDAY I FELT BETTER FOR A FEW HOURS ..and i did speak tomy family online and telefone about litle things...
so i have a life but i have been crying since tuesday and have not evn been out my house since tuesday...
anayway now im at a place i have not read in a book... apart from the old stories where young woman like anna 'o' had imaginary pregnacy with her psychiatrist.. that was a 100 years ago or more...
this is the modern world but im in an old fashioned therpay love, and my therpaist cant handle it...so i backed off to save out relationship.our therputic relationship...
if she knew all this i know her , she would run away...as she is not pyschodynamic...she is a clinical psychologist... doing CB bloody T ...
how ironic is that???
=================================================i wrote this poem on 13th January 2007
even before i knew for sure conciously, i knew sub conciously way back that she was ..++Married++... pls read on
im sorry im afraid to share it i really would like to but i think ive said too much already..
thank you for yout ime reading this...
i doubt anyone out there has fallen to hard and deep in love with their therpaist so i dont think i'll find much response, but if there is even a therpaist reading this plse talk to me...
or babble mail me...as this is so personal...
but im also aware that some other people one day may be in a similar boat to me, so i hope they can fins=d comfort in knowing they are not alone and that i too have gone off my head in love for my therpaist..
see i know this is wrong, i tried to stop it..
but all i was doing was avoiding it..
fooling myself inot thinking i was capable of going on ...now she is deff married and now im deff being terminated..all be it my last session wont be until the 6 month folllow up next christmas..is this going to be the most apinful year of my life... dying a little each time i see her 4 times between now and the summer...then wait 6 months for the big finale.?
sorry this is long ..but my mind has been on over load for a very long time...
i have had no recourse to write tlike this to anyone else...
i have written to her but those letters are cryptic, because i only portray the healthy side of me to her...
i tell her how good my future will be, i tell her i want to be like her ; calm kool clever, happy,, and so on...and i keep it lightish...
so as not to scare my wee gorgeous amazing therapist.
.and id hate her to get into trouble...if she thought she had encouraged my behaviour and love for her she would be upset...
she has iencouraged it but only because i led her to believe she was safe to indulge me...
im far too clever for my own good...thats what people used to tell me...
how i wonder what its like to be straight forward with no complexities as mine..
even if i gave this to her to read, do you seriously think she would say oka scentedgarden, that fine lets discuss it and still have a great therpautic relationship..?
i dont think so...!!!
she would nevcer fone me again, never go over her time with me again... never let me love her with gifts again... never want to tlak if she saw me outside again..
everything would change...
so i must change
or live in pain
or die
***happy sunday to everyone...)))
SG
poster:Scentedgarden
thread:727068
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/727377.html