Posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
....ever given you their pen...to keep?
..ever telephoned you from their car while driving home...?
...told you they will be thinking about you on xmas morning...?
....told you that they dont tell their supervisor all their sexual fantasy's ....?
told you they like your hair, clothes, etc..?
told you they would go for a cofe with you if they bumped into you outside...
Just asking as mine has, and I'm struggling now with it all, as I'm in love or something with her sexually...and i ;love her a my mother as well...
to add to all this after 4 years together i just discovered she has recently married a man..
the pain and haze in myself that im dealing with is totally scaring me..
on top of all this we have now set a final date to end the therapy which is just killing me too.
it has to end as it just got to thats all...she is paid by state and i cant justify seeing me much more...she says she could have stopped seeing me 198 months ago with no comeback on herself...but she wanted to help me...so she pushed the contract to extend...
she has done so very much to help me i now feel guilty for being like this about her..how dare i love another mans wife ina sexual way in my fantasy..!!!
someone some mad way through the years together i believed deep down she loved me too.
she became my everyhting, which ive only just realised how strongly attached and how much i feel obsessed to the point its upsetting me in ways i never dreamed it would...
Im in a mess, and i dont know how to get out of it....i think its both our faults ...
hers, for not examaning the issue deeper when i nsaid i wanted her to touch me eeryhwrer and f*ck my brains out and i wanted to do the same to her... she took it so personal, and i think it was wrong to do that... i mean it is a major apart of my problem sexual stuff.. so i thought i was being brave when i told her...i thought she would help me to see the real problem, the root of my problem, and get to the heart of the issue, you know like why was i in love with her? and how could i find someone in the real world to love me and make me fel as i feel for her...but she made it all about my feelings for her and we never really got beyond it...
and its my fault for covering up after that and just not saying i was head over heels... im god at pretending, and so for tha least 50 appts we have talked crap mostly as i havebeen doing thinkgs to make her comfy..oh its such a mess
we are spreading the last few appts out, the few we have left..which will actually give us all in all a toatal of another year as patient dr. but the appts, i can count on one hand in that year...so i have less appts left with her thaat will take a year to get through....than i had in one month when i went weekly...I'm struggling to a point of pain and ache and sorrow and jealousy...and such likes that i never in my life have sufered before...
i went to therapy to help me, i was suicidal and in love with another man...now im in love with her...and i'm scared how wil i eer get past this feeling..?
I telphoned samaritans today and spoke for a while very upset, but they cant give me advice...
i also am trying to find a therpait i can pay for a visit just to talk this over with another professional, but i feel like im betraying my beautiful kind and gentle therpaist...
as i write this letter annonymously to you guys and girls here on babble...i feel maybe i could write a letter as if it was telling a person who didnt know me all my thought setc on all this and then i could just send it to her...
she is expecting me to write to her in between, she has asked me to write to her as she is wanting to know whats happening with me and so i will have somehting to focus on, (thats a luagh as she has been my only focus since i last saw her on tuesday..and its now 5 weeks till we meet again)..and so she can focus on what i write and so we can make the most of the last few sessions that are about 2 plus months apart...i wish we had been this focused and professional years ago or ecen months ago, as its such a waste to have wasted the time doing nothing much...and now having to cram all this in at the end...
anyway, its done now..no point in crying over spilt milk...but this is my life, and im needing some advicce and some help..and the one person i love and respect so much is the one person im scared to tell all this to incase she is angry with me...
incase she ends me straight away which is somehting that would be torturous na d i would not be able to bear that pain...and it would undo all the good work we have done over the years...
it has all been a process...and falling in love with her, was part of it..
im a very unhappy woman right now...i know i sound pathetic, and should just deal with it..
i know some people on here have much more problems than im having...
i'm so grateful to her for all her love and help and care...i know she really likes me and i know she cares alot...but i also now know she has another real life that she f*cks another man...andshe loves him...as happy as i am for her this breaks me heart equally if not more...
and i feel as bad as can be for feeling that way..
i am a christian woman and i should not be jealous, i shoukld not be wanting another mans wife...but i feel she was mine before she was his...(i know thats sick, and thats why im scared)
my thoughts are scaring me...me feelings are killing me...okay so im dramatic, but its just not fair..
I want to be normal witha happy life, and just someont to love me and make me feel as she has made me fel in the nigh on 4 years we have been together in therapy...
i felt nothing for the first 2 years...how ill i ever find sopmeone in the real world who will wait 2 years for me to love them a little...??
she treats me so normal at times, and doesnt seem to see my sickness..proabably because im afraid to show her incase she wont like me, and wont want to know me outside of therapy once it ends if she thinks im a stalker in love with her...would you want someone feeling for you as I described feeling for her?? i dont think so!
thanks for rading ...sorry i cant expelain it better right now..my hands are so cold and i ahve to go and take care of myself...as im still in bed on ly laptop and its 14.39 pm....sun shining and me in pjamas, writing here to you how im drowning in my love for a woman who is my therpaist and who is married and happy and proably with her husband right now as i speak...
im inshock and im horribly over concerned about her and not about myself.
i only went to therpay for deprssion...she says im not psychotic at all...says i have no personality disorders, or any psychosis...!!
In fact she has never labeled me with anything..
so is this normal behaviour? am i in therpay for nothing..what the heck have we been doing for 4 years??so ...has your therapist ever given you their pen, called from thier car on their ay home, bla bla bla...
i guess those questions are irrelivent, as you all have differet therapist with diff boundaries...so there is no normal ..it just that those things mean things to me...mean more to me than just a pen or a call..
plus in my dreams she always loves to have sex with me, and i waken feeling comforted and loved by her...other nights i dream of her holding me as a little girl and cuddling me...she doesnt know any of this...as i stoped teeling her my dreams a while ago..
i didnt think she wanted to hear them all, as shes not psychodynamic....she is doing CBT with me...but it is a little eclectic...
anyway if nothing else and noone replies, as i know this is copmplicated. I hope someone reading this will find it helpful for them ...
much thanks and God bless
SG
poster:Scentedgarden
thread:727068
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/727068.html