Posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 10:16:15
In reply to Has your therapist ever.? -very long - sex trigger, posted by Scentedgarden on January 27, 2007, at 8:49:30
Hi Scented,
The answer to all your questions is "no" in my case, but I think the range of acts you mention is pretty huge...
> ....ever given you their pen...to keep?
This doesn't strike me as a very big deal, unless it was a REALLY fancy pen presented with great ceremony for no reason at all. If you just didn't have a pen that day and she handed you hers and told you to keep it, that's a pretty mundance act of kindness.
> ..ever telephoned you from their car while driving home...?
For what purpose? This could simply be a case of her wanted to tell you something while it was on her mind. Or did it feel more like she was calling a friend whose voice she needed to hear right then?
> ...told you they will be thinking about you on xmas morning...?
In the context of therapy, this could be a touching reminder that she cares about you. Did it sound somehow obsessive on her part the way she said it?
> ....told you that they dont tell their supervisor all their sexual fantasy's ....?
What was the context? Had you been discussing your own fantasies or something like that? Or was this said flirtatiously, with the apparent purpose of conveying that she fantasizes about you? That would almost certainly be inappropriate on her part, especially if she meant to start a sexual relationship with her client!
> told you they like your hair, clothes, etc..?
In context, this might be perfectly fine, especially if you have a lot of self-image problems.
For example, one thing I worked on with my T was making eye contact, and I'd told her many of my negative thoughts about what others think when I make eye contact with them. I told her I imagined people would feel creeped out if I looked them in the eye, disgusted that I was "staring" at them, repulsed by my ugliness, etc. She encouraged me to make more eye contact during sessions, promised to let me know if I was doing so in a way that felt inappropriate (the "staring" fear), and committed to give honest feedback about her feelings as I maintained more eye contact. Within that context, with ground rules and commitments laid out and my trust in her honesty, she did tell me, when I'd become anxious about it, that she liked it when I made eye contact with her, that it made her feel "close" to me, etc. The point is that it was all done in a very clear therapeutic context, with well-observed boundaries.
If your T compliments you it could be that she would compliment anyone in the same way, or that she's making a point of making honest, positive remarks specifically to help you. Now if she went into excessive detail about what she likes, how much she likes it, etc. that might be cause for concern.
> told you they would go for a cofe with you if they bumped into you outside...
This is OK too as long as it doesn't come off sounding too much like she's asking you on a date!
> she has done so very much to help me i now feel guilty for being like this about her..how dare i love another mans wife ina sexual way in my fantasy..!!!(((sg))) You've had a very long, emotionally intimate relationship with this woman. You're not out to wrong this man, her husband - your feelings developed independent of her life outside therapy. You recognize it as fantasy. Don't beat yourself up over these very natural feelings. Give yourself credit for the moral strength you show by recognizing that she's married and therefore your thoughts must remain in the realm of fantasy!
> someone some mad way through the years together i believed deep down she loved me too.
and you may well be right that she has loving feelings for you. It's a belief that harms nobody if you take this as further affirmation of your own lovability, and don't try to upset her own life.
> i went to therapy to help me, i was suicidal and in love with another man...now im in love with her...and i'm scared how wil i eer get past this feeling..?I know you only have a few more sessions... but please tell her what you've told us. Maybe she'll find a way to get you more sessions, or maybe she can point you somewhere else for help. You said she has helped you a lot and I'm sure she wants you to be well. Give her another chance to see your real pain and help you do something to ease the ache.
> i also am trying to find a therpait i can pay for a visit just to talk this over with another professional, but i feel like im betraying my beautiful kind and gentle therpaist...Not at all (((sg))). I think she would actually approve of your talking to someone else about this, especially since it sounds like she had some trouble handling your frank talk about your feelings for her. You speak of her in such glowing terms - "beautiful, kind and gentle" - and I'm sure your warm regard for her will come through in your discussion with another therapist just as it does when you talk to us here. It's not a betrayal at all. You might even leave your therapist a message letting her know you plan to do this, so it won't feel like you're seeing someone "behind her back."
> as i write this letter annonymously to you guys and girls here on babble...i feel maybe i could write a letter as if it was telling a person who didnt know me all my thought setc on all this and then i could just send it to her...Sure! You could probably even send this post...
> anyway, its done now..no point in crying over spilt milk...but this is my life, and im needing some advicce and some help..and the one person i love and respect so much is the one person im scared to tell all this to incase she is angry with me...
She is kind and gentle... if you write to tell her this, even if she is angry when she reads your letter she will have time to reflect before she sees you again. When she does, her response will be that of the beautiful, kind and gentle woman she is. Please trust her. Let your love and admiration be stronger than your fear.
> im a very unhappy woman right now...i know i sound pathetic, and should just deal with it..
You *are* dealing with it. Just stuffing the feelings somewhere and carrying on as if they didn't exist is not "dealing with it," so don't pretend that's what you would do if only you were "stronger."
> i know some people on here have much more problems than im having...There's room for everyone's problems.
> i am a christian woman and i should not be jealous, i shoukld not be wanting another mans wife...but i feel she was mine before she was his...(i know thats sick, and thats why im scared)
That's not "sick." It's not helpful, but it's not a sign of some unnatural depravity on your part, either. Everyone hurts when someone they love sexually is unavailable and loves another. As a Christian woman you also know you, like all of us, necessarily fall well short of perfection. Don't let this jealousy take even more power over you by believing it's a sign that there's something wrong with you that each and every one of us isn't also susceptible to.
> i felt nothing for the first 2 years...how ill i ever find sopmeone in the real world who will wait 2 years for me to love them a little...??You don't know what the future holds. Maybe, because of the progress you've made with her, you'll find it doesn't take 2 years to feel anything once you're open to loving someone else? Or maybe you'll get to know someone else who will also take 2 years to develop loving feelings toward you? The only way for you to find that love is to allow it to happen. Creating a litany of reasons you fear it might not happen simply isn't helpful.
> she treats me so normal at times, and doesnt seem to see my sickness..proabably because im afraid to show her incase she wont like me, and wont want to know me outside of therapy once it ends if she thinks im a stalker in love with her...Why do you call yourself a stalker just because you're "lovesick?" There are only two reasons I can think of that she would not want to know you outside of therapy because of your feelings for her. One is if you, in fact, were stalking her. I trust that you're not and you won't! The other is if you cannot keep yourself "under control" around her - that you often and inappropriately blurt out your deepest desires, express your jealousy of her husband, or constantly hit on her. It sounds like, if anything, you're all too able to "control yourself" even in the intimate setting of therapy. So if it's important for you to feel that she'd still enjoy sitting down with you over a cup of coffee, I don't think you have a thing to worry about!
> would you want someone feeling for you as I described feeling for her?? i dont think so!Actually, I think I would! Who doesn't want to be desired? Now I'd like to have control over exactly who felt that way about me! But my point is that there's nothing wrong with the depth of your feelings for her. The only problem is that the object of your desire is someone you can't have.
> im inshock and im horribly over concerned about her and not about myself.
Do you mean that you're *thinking* only of her? Because I don't see why you'd be "concerned about" her, if by that you mean you're worried about her. Do you mean you're worried that somehow you might hurt her?
> so is this normal behaviour? am i in therpay for nothing..what the heck have we been doing for 4 years??After all the people who have spilled their guts here about falling in love with therapists, it's safe to say this is somewhat normal!
And hasn't she helped in many ways? It doesn't sound at all like it's been 4 years for nothing. It just sounds like you're now longing for something more.
> i guess those questions are irrelivent, as you all have differet therapist with diff boundaries...so there is no normal ..it just that those things mean things to me...mean more to me than just a pen or a call..
So... are you trying to decide whether you read too much into those things? It's pretty normal for mundane things to take on enormous meaning when you associate them with someone you love, whether or not they were intended to be deeply meaningful. Maybe you did read "too much" into them, maybe not. Try not to worry about it so much!
> plus in my dreams she always loves to have sex with me, and i waken feeling comforted and loved by her...other nights i dream of her holding me as a little girl and cuddling me...she doesnt know any of this...as i stoped teeling her my dreams a while ago..
Enjoy these dreams as dreams. Who wouldn't want dreams like these?
SG, don't be too hard on yourself. What you're experiencing is normal, if intense, human emotion, and it's difficult to deal with. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all. I hope your experience loving your therapist is good "practice" for the day you find someone who can return your love.
poster:caraher
thread:727068
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/727089.html