![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 19:49:35
Is it alright if I talk about my stupid crap? i need help:"( I'm having one of the worst bottoming-out periods ever - and I just need to get through next week. I need to be strong and I'm a mess. too many painkillers. marked-up. I feel so on-the-verge. I kinda think I'm going crazy. I've never felt this intensity for so long. It is very hard to type. It is very hard to think in a line - like have thoughts connect and be in some order. T's away this weekend - and i don't know if that makes it harder or easier :(
But I don't want to bore you guys, or worse piss, you off. Is it better if I keep it off the board? my problems are not actually the greatest subject. and it doesn't seem relevant to anyone else :( honestly. you can tell me to shut up. I'm sorry I keep bothering you all. I'm pretty lonely. and scared. and I can't sit upright for long periods:( The days I can't go out, and don't see other people, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. weekends are hardest :( But I don't want to infect others.
Posted by sunnydays on October 14, 2006, at 20:25:17
In reply to anyone, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 19:49:35
(((((((((Elaine)))))))))
Of course you can post about your problems, Elaine. We're here to be supportive. Just because we aren't having your experiences doesn't mean we can't provide support. Go ahead and try us. ;)
sunnydays
Posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 20:33:54
In reply to anyone, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 19:49:35
> Is it alright if I talk about my stupid crap?
Of course.
> i need help:"(
((((elaine))))
> I'm having one of the worst bottoming-out periods ever - and I just need to get through next week. I need to be strong and I'm a mess. too many painkillers. marked-up. I feel so on-the-verge. I kinda think I'm going crazy. I've never felt this intensity for so long. It is very hard to type. It is very hard to think in a line - like have thoughts connect and be in some order. T's away this weekend - and i don't know if that makes it harder or easier :(
sounds like you are having a hard time. I'm sorry :-(
> But I don't want to bore you guys, or worse piss, you off. Is it better if I keep it off the board? my problems are not actually the greatest subject. and it doesn't seem relevant to anyone else :( honestly. you can tell me to shut up. I'm sorry I keep bothering you all. I'm pretty lonely. and scared. and I can't sit upright for long periods:( The days I can't go out, and don't see other people, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. weekends are hardest :( But I don't want to infect others.
Hearing about other peoples problems is good for me. It gets my head out of my *ss. I've been very self absorbed... Need to get my head out of my *ss... One example... I've been staying away from work because I'm been having a hard time and I didn't want to get them down. We had a review... We thought it would be okay... There has been something of a jack up... People weren't happy at work. I should have gone along and had some company in my misery. Sigh. Isn't it funny how we are okay with other peoples problems but ours seem different somehow...
Weekends used to be the hardest time for me too, I understand that. You won't infect me, I promise.
Please talk to us...
Posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 21:49:04
In reply to Re: anyone, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 20:33:54
You guys are so kind :') sorry i can't type fast. I don't know how to say everything or where to start. sorry if I sound mixed up. um...
The self harm and suidical ideation is coming back so strong. And my body keeps failing me. The latest little thing to be thrown on top of everything else is [i think he explained it as] a bad kidney infection. Why can't I concentrate on the phone! - so nervous by the end that I've already forgotten nearly everything he said. I've been complaining to a clinic doctor (who I've seen more since leaving LadyDoc mid-August). I was describing the pain each time and he kept giving me the maddening, male doc, know-it-all, "PMS" response. Once he decided that it wasn't my appendix he just kept saying that "You know, all women get abdominal pain at certain times of the month." ?!?!?! I started crying one time. He wouldn't get it. I kept trying to explain that I know the difference between that and this thing doubling me over. He looks at me like I'm dumb. (He's the one who prescribed me Ativan for bronchitus. And also for my face pain - which ended up being an infected root-canal moving into my jaw!) I hate him, but in a sick way, I like that he treats me like sh*t. It fits.
It had been nearly two months since the first inkings of pain so I panicked (and because the mental crap had been getting really bad) and called a younger, newbie doc who's kinda far from me, but he seemed to be the only one who'd take me in. He listened a little though, and ordered basic tests that the other guy just wouldn't. A simple test, and now I know why I've been getting worsening pain since Aug! This past week and a half I could barely walk or tolerate drinking -- The day before I went I spent lying over the counter moaning, and cold-sweating. It makes me so sad and hopeless that it could take so long to be heard :'( I'm already so afraid of doctors. I flinched when he went to examine me and I felt so embarassed about it. Who does that! What a baby - I'm too old for that. He backed off a bit. Was a little too interested in the anorexia. Asked how low I got. I told him and he winced and said "Whoa that's *really* low!" and other stuff. But I'm so grateful to him.(((youngDoc))) It makes it so hard when anything extra is added onto my main problem. I hope the med starts working soon.
[alot of "the regular" medical stuff is going on but I don't need to post it] Not supposed to be taking the painkillers now but...Saw AltMed.Doc (who sees me as one of her low-income charity cases) and she was concerned about how suicidal I seemed. I convinced her that it wasn't a big deal. Then she said, "Are you still seeing "T"? -- Yes. "How often?" -- three times a week (though it's sometimes more, but I thought saying that would sound suspicious). ANd she said, "Good, keep going. He sounds like a very nice man you know. Concerned about you.[she's talked to him]". :"( I wanted to both cry and hit her.....But he *does* care :") .......it's just.....AHHHHH!.......impossible to think through......
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 14, 2006, at 21:49:50
In reply to Re: anyone, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2006, at 20:33:54
Elaine-
What's going on?
I miss you! Tell me what's on your mind, please. I've been thinking about you a lot, and I couldn't remember how long it's been since hearing from you. I just knew it had been too long.
You're not going to infect me. I was exposed a while back, (like, years ago!) and now I'm immune. Just like chicken pox.
It's okay if you have problems thinking right. Just do your best. If it doesn't make sense, I'm sure I'll still figure out something to say to you.
Sometimes it helps just to type everything out at once, and not edit it. just get it out there-- no second thoughts.
I've been wearing cotton gloves, just like you suggested. Am happy to report that my hands look better than they have in AGES.
Go on- share your crap. Really- that's what we're here for.
love,
Lindenb
Posted by sunnydays on October 14, 2006, at 22:03:41
In reply to Re: anyone, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 21:49:04
((((((((Elaine)))))))))
It sounds like things are really hard. I really hope that you can find a good doctor and that your medical troubles get easier for you. It must be so difficult, I can't even imagine. But you are so strong, and you can keep going.
And just as an aside, you don't owe anyone anything, so you don't have to listen to anyone else to decide what to do with your T. Listen to yourself and you will know what to do. You really don't owe them anything. But I know it's hard. Just try to listen to yourself.
((((((((((Elaine))))))))
You can do it. Keep breathing in and out.
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 22:22:22
Li - I'm glad you're immune. (((sunny)))
So much stuff is happening. For one, I'm starting to kinda distrust the board - like I'm scared of it or something. It doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm trying to punish myself and sabotage my only support. I don't know......but that's not what I was gonna say.
To make long story short: T has spoken to his old T! But he's only gonna have a few more sessions. The frustrating thing is that I can't convince him to mention me to the guy (even covertly). He just WON'T do it. But I keep feeling like it's not fair that he gets someone to talk to, and I don't. Well, I do talk to him, but you know what I mean. It takes enough of me to convince him to not bail on the idea of therapy for him, in general. He emailed me a summary of what he talked about there and you should hear some of it (I mean, I knew alot but he seems even more naked in his conversations with his T). Except for the Me part apparently. SO MUCH Love I can't tolerate it. Oh god. I will kill him and his love and goodness:"( He hurts so much....feels so much.... I can't stand how much he cares :""( He knows I have to not be his patient. Waiting hurts him. I can't stand his pain. I'm like a cancer. When he mentions love I want to just stab myself in the leg or something. It's just ....It's f*cking HARD. I can't explain!!! I couldn't make another understand. ...why couldn't he.... I ruin everyone.
Posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 22:27:01
In reply to more *trig, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 22:22:22
I can't even click the right f*cking button!! I guess I'll just use this thread now - wish there was a delete feature. sorry
Posted by LadyBug on October 14, 2006, at 23:57:36
In reply to anyone, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 19:49:35
You won't infect me at all. I'm good for now. I want you to get feeling better. If it helps for you to type here, please, please do it!! You sound as though you are in a very painful place not only mentally but physically as well. Does your T know how much you are suffering? Can he help you at all with the suicidial feelings? You deserve to be treated like a queen not like crap!! I hope you can see that in yourself someday. I know it's hard to change the feelings we have inside us that have been there for as long as we can remember. I'm trying to overcome some of my childhood feelings too. They run pretty deep!!!
Feel free to update us as often as you feel up to it. I think you are a wonderful person and I want you to get better.
I've been wondering how you were doing. I always thinks it's a bad thing when people don't post. It tells me that things are too hard and it takes too much to put our feelings out there. Do take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do to get rid of the pain. I hope you know we care.
LadyBug
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 9:47:24
In reply to Re: anyone » ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on October 14, 2006, at 23:57:36
Hi Elaine,
You are in a lot of pain- that much is so clear. Is it okay if I try and untangle your knot a little bit? Maybe I'll help you make some sense, or maybe I'm just talking out of my *ss? Whatever.1) you've got some health problem giving you severe chronic abdominal/pelvic pain.
a) Perhaps I understand you correctly that you've been diagnosed with a kidney infection. I've had that 3 times before, most recently this spring. You don't have to be a baby or a wimp or a bad person to get it. You should be on antibiotics if this is your diagnosis. You may have nausea, chills, fever, and you generally feel like sh*t all over, especially in your tummy/pelvic/lower back.
b) Another possibilitiy is interstitial cystitis, a condition which causes chronic bladder/abdominal pain, and is fairly misunderstood by modern medicine. Current thinking is that there may be several causes all lumped together because they share the chronic bladder pain symndrome. Antibiotics can help one of the causes of this. If this is indeed your diagnosis, you may want to explore antiinflammatory treatments like corticosteroids or other treatments- because it could be one of those autoimmune reactions. Alternative medicine probably has the best answers. I have used a supplement called d-maltose to cure and prevent my chronic UTI's when my bacteria no longer responded to the 4 most commonly prescribed antibiotics...
c)Finally, you may have endometriosis. Some women have rogue wandering bits of uterine tissue that just decide to take a little journey throughout the pelvic/abdominal region. The attach themselves somewhere and they decide to stay put, or perhaps multiply. The problem is that these bits of uterine tissue still respond to the monthly hormone cycle and they get bigger, have cramps and shed cells and blood periodically. The problem is that the shedded tissue has no outlet, so you get chronic pain, inflammation, and malaise. My guess is that since you are under so much stress, your cycle is kind of out of whack anyways- it would be really hard to tell if your abdominal/pelvic pain were well timed to certain points in your cycle (lucky Li gets cramps during ovulation AND during the main event. yay!).
d)I'm sure you know about irritable bowel. One of my friends has it and her bad phases arrive conveniently when she is under the most stress. She describes it as alternatingly mild cramps and bloating and severe (bend over and clutch the tummy in a cold sweat) spasms. It sounds like a "fluffy" little condition, but it causes her a lot of pain and distress.
2) Discomfort at being a patient. This is never fun. I get twitchy and startled when I'm in the office being examined. Especially when I'm in pain, when I'm uncertain, and when I've had bad experiences with a particular doctor/institution before. Do you have a music player? You can bring it and listen on the headphones to help you chill out, or wear your most comfy sweater or hoodie. You are already wearing your pink sneakers, I assume ;o) ? Deep breathing, and know that no matter how badly you feel, the appointment will be over soon. You should probably prepare a written list next time you go see a doctor. On one side are your symptoms- don't be shy-- tell them everything! you never know what's relevant. Keep working on this list, because sometimes it takes a couple of days to remember exactly what is going on with your body. On the other side of the paper is conditions which you may have. Be persistent- ask the doctor to tell you EXACTLY why a particular illness can or cannot be ruled out. Take notes during your visit, if necessary. Ask the doctor if there is a test that will help rule out a particular illness, and if so- whether you need the test. Be pushy- some doctors like that! It's your body, after all. It helps me to remember that doctors have to submit to embarassing medical examinations themselves as well. Just imagining a mean male doctor over the age of 45 who has to go see the proctologist or urologist-- Or the rude nurse who stares at you judgmentally over the tops of her glasses having to have a mammogram or a pelvic exam-- well, that goes a long way towards levelling out the playing field.
Having a list will help empower you. It will give you strength and a voice when your mind is fuzzy and uncertain during your appointment.
3) Pain from your T dumping his personal issues in your lap. I'm sorry this is causing you so much stress. It's not fair. It's a really sh*tty thing for a friend to do. Lemme try to create an analogy- let's say that I have recently broken up with my boyfriend. On the one hand, I'm trying to move on, and heal my old wounds. But it's impossible to do so when he keeps on calling ME asking ME to help him heal HIS wounds too! It's the worst conflict of interest. Your T has become the patient, and he has placed you in some marginal position of being either the object of his love, the source of his psychological pain, and the reason for his malpractice. Your T has made SO MANY mistakes, it's simply inexcusable.
Back to reality-- Elaine has a lot going on in her life right now. (((((((Elaine)))))) deserves gentle hugs, and a strong, warm source of supportive counselling. She is contributing her time and her heart and her effort to learning more about how to grow out of a very difficult childhood and gracefully occupy the role of woman. But her mentor, teacher, coach, and counsellor is ignoring her, and perhaps even harming her spirit.
Elaine, you deserve to feel better physically and emotionally. Please continue to write more. I want to hear more about you. I think you share many things in common with other people on this board. Please share with us, especially if it helps you contain your pain, and cope with it. You don't have to be all alone in these struggles. I know you are feeling kind of paranoid, so don't feel that you have to write specifics. Just tell us what you're feeling. That's enough.
We're there for you- all the way
love,
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 9:51:22
In reply to Re: anyone » LadyBug, posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 9:47:24
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 11:21:41
In reply to Re: anyone » ElaineM, posted by LadyBug on October 14, 2006, at 23:57:36
Thanks LadyBug -- It is very hard to imagine someone else thinking of me. It was nice to say you care.
>>>>Does your T know how much you are suffering? Can he help you at all with the suicidial feelings?
Yes, I've started telling him about how poorly I am mentally. Normally I hide that cause he doesn't know what to do but hug me, or offer me money. I've been asking about the hospital. I'm telling him about the severe suicidal urges (not just self harm, but pills and stuff). I can almost feel the pain and panic radiating out of him. I make him feel so helpless and he doesn't know what to do or say.
He tells me that it's okay to feel suidical - that he will not bore me by putting me through a suicide assessment. He says I'm smart enough to pass one anyways. He is trying though, but he has a desperateness to him. When he holds me I can feel him shaking, way more than me. He went to a conference on chronic abuse and trauma and was trying to tell me the stuff that was spoken about. It just doesn't translate into real life though -- into practise. I can appreciate alot of academic things he recites to me, I can debate a little, can extrapolate and define and everything. I could probably write another paper on some of it - I can always write good papers or case studies. But that's where it ends. It doesn't translate into life. I don't think he knows how to turn book knowledge into practical. Though I don't really believe in the practical application of alot of theories. (At some point I will have to write a post about why this board confuses me so much most of the time.)
And he's having such a hard time personally - like within himself. It's very hard to witness, harder to know what to do with. I can't stand people hurting.
>>>>Do take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do to get rid of the pain.
I'm trying. I'm really trying to accept that the main physical stuff is just not going to go away. That this will always be with me. I'm trying to live with it, but it's not really living at all. I'd be much happier dead, I think. And then when other secondary pains (like the kidney infection, the multiple rootcanals...) get added on it's like the last straw. It kills whatever shreads of strength that I have. I haven't had hope for a long time. Probably since Feb. I had to let the hope in me be killed because it was too painful to keep having no one listen, and no physical relief come. It made me sadder to see this happen to me when I felt like I deserved more, or better, or mercy. But by accepting that I will never have the same body (even the pre-AN fat body) ever again, that I will never get help, and I don't even deserve people trying - especially doctors - Then it's a little less devastating when the nothingness comes, as expected.
I am trying to forget that tomorrow will come the exact same as today, and as yesterday -- I try to give up the future and just get to the end of a single day. At least until I get the guts to act out the urges I feel - though I doubt I could be so brave.
I haven't even finished the update. I wanted to SI last night for hitting the wrong stupid button when posting - how dumb is that! I didn't. I'm glad. But the tiniest things are provoking the most extreme responses.
Thank you for taking all this. I feel bad focusing on one person so much, and I feel a bit less guilty when it's out in public here -- maybe it will diffuse a little and not fall on one person and be too much. I don't know. I care about you too. (((LB)))
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 12:19:42
In reply to Re: anyone » LadyBug, posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 9:47:24
>>>>>>1) you've got some health problem giving you severe chronic abdominal/pelvic pain.
Maybe true, maybe not. THe ad/pelvic stuff is rather recent (like less than six months). The main health problem is quite different than this stuff.
>>>>>a) You should be on antibiotics if this is your diagnosis. You may have nausea, chills, fever, and you generally feel like sh*t all over, especially in your tummy/pelvic/lower back.
Yes, the pills are huge! Like bigger than calcium supplements - which I didn't think was possible.
>>>>>>b) ...like corticosteroids or other treatments- because it could be one of those autoimmune reactions. Alternative medicine probably has the best answers. I have used a supplement called d-maltose to cure and prevent my chronic UTI's when my bacteria no longer responded to the 4 most commonly prescribed antibiotics...
I was gonna have to go on c-steroids for .... GI stuff? (that's the most graceful way I can say that) THey were hesitant because it's bad for my osteoporosis. Not only do I have it, but severe cases of it are heriditary in my family. Plus, I told them if it made me gain even more weight that I'd kill myself, guaranteed. I had just finished gaining 35lbs again and my mind could not tolerate even the possibility of more.
>>>> c)Finally, you may have endometriosis. Some women have rogue wandering bits of uterine tissue that just decide to take a little journey throughout the pelvic/abdominal region.
LadyDoc mentioned this before I had to leave her. But she couldn't order tests or really invest the time to monitor me that much cause the rules stated that for the last two "months of grace" she was only to be promoting their version of "closure" to my file.
This other guy I've seen only says to take over-the-counter stuff -- like I wasn't already maxing out the daily doses of all that stuff.
>>>> d)I'm sure you know about irritable bowel.Yes, that seems to be residual damage from the ED. I already take alot of med to keep the GI tract moving. I just gave up solids for so long that it never really "woke up" once I started eating food again. They prescribe drinking gastric prep fluid whenever one symptom is bad (like the stuff you take if you're gonna have a colonoscopy. it's the fowlest tasting substance on the planet.) I could write volumes on this subject but it's so lovely that I think I'll leave it at that.
>>>> 2) Discomfort at being a patient. This is never fun. I get twitchy and startled when I'm in the office being examined.
I mostly just panic because I'm so dependant on these people who haven't been able to help. My quality of life is gonna depend on them giving enough of a sh*t to listen to more than a 30sec. summary of symptoms. The docs I've seen can't tolerate more than one symptom at a time (maybe two if they're patient), and interupt if you try and string more than three sentences together. I've tried using medical jargon to keep their interest but it only makes me sound pompous too, nevermind an anxious, neurotic female.
I've written out stuff before and they don't want to read it - even when it's been condensed to point form notes on one page. I've tried, but time is money and someone else is already scheduled to come in in five minutes. They don't really even look you in the eye. Most of the time they only talk while they are writing something down - I assume so they can't see the tears in your eyes, or the pain in your eyebrows, or the dejection in your shoulders. I really can't get over how little they look at you.
>>>>Be persistent- ask the doctor to tell you EXACTLY why a particular illness can or cannot be ruled out. Take notes during your visit, if necessary. Ask the doctor if there is a test that will help rule out a particular illness, and if so- whether you need the test. Be pushy- some doctors like that! It's your body, after all.
I've found it terribly hard to be taken seriously once they hear of my psychiatric history. Mainly the anorexia. When they hear that I spent years walking around like a skeleton while proclaiming that I was fine and even too fat, then my credibility in interpreting feelings and pain now shrinks into oblivion. I think it's already hard enough for women's physical symptoms to be taken seriously and not be prescribed an SSRI for everything -- I think we're way more likely to be accused of mistaking emotional for physical pain.
I know it does happen, but it's not the answer all the time. Then when they hear that I take an occassional ativan, that's the end. That's how I can get prescribed that instead of real meds last winter, until I went gasping to a female doc in the hospital. Each contact I have with the medical system just discourages me even more, makes the ability to speak even harder. But what else can I do but keep going?! Nothing.>>>>It helps me to remember that doctors have to submit to embarassing medical examinations themselves as well.
I loved LadyDoc cause she really helped with stuff like that. Not only explaining procedures, but she'd talk with me a little before jumping into everything. She would even tell me what she was feeling when she has had similar procedures done. I miss her so much. She made such a difference. It was easier to suffer when she was beside me.
>>>> 3) Pain from your T dumping his personal issues in your lap. I'm sorry this is causing you so much stress. It's not fair. It's a really sh*tty thing for a friend to do. Lemme try to create an analogy- let's say that I have recently broken up with my boyfriend. On the one hand, I'm trying to move on, and heal my old wounds. But it's impossible to do so when he keeps on calling ME asking ME to help him heal HIS wounds too! It's the worst conflict of interest. Your T has become the patient, and he has placed you in some marginal position of being either the object of his love, the source of his psychological pain, and the reason for his malpractice. Your T has made SO MANY mistakes, it's simply inexcusable.
I know. Kind of. I think I know. But under all the "mistakes" is a regular human, who makes human mistakes, and I find it hard to fault him for that. If anything I want to help him heal. I'm used to that role, taking care of others. And he knew that, I think maybe that's why he has opened up to me so much.
>>>>> Elaine, you deserve to feel better physically and emotionally. Please continue to write more. I want to hear more about you. I think you share many things in common with other people on this board. Please share with us, especially if it helps you contain your pain, and cope with it. You don't have to be all alone in these struggles. I know you are feeling kind of paranoid, so don't feel that you have to write specifics. Just tell us what you're feeling. That's enough.Thanks Li. You are such a big help. I'm grateful for you all and just hope someone will tell me to shut up when I need to. I do tend to overexpose but if I had to choose between that or withdrawing completely, then I'd choose the former -- I don't seem to be able to find the happy-medium yet.
I love you, and I love all babblers. I'm amazed at how much others can offer while still going through so much of their own pain.
Posted by caraher on October 15, 2006, at 12:20:49
In reply to Re: anyone » LadyBug, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 11:21:41
(((El)))
Please stop fearing that you'll "infect" or "poison" others. It doesn't work that way. I still think that you need to find another T, somehow, since you don't really have one now, whether or not you choose to continue to meet with him, whether or not you choose to cover up his unprofessional behavior. You need and deserve the help. If it helps you at all to know I am listening and care, or that others here listen and care, pease "dump" on us as much as you like. You know yourself that you can handle the pain of others; likewise, we can handle yours.
(((El)))
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 12:48:50
In reply to Re: anyone, posted by caraher on October 15, 2006, at 12:20:49
I've never seen a male act like this and in a weird way, it's almost scarier to me than a violent man -- though that's probably just cause I equate physical abuse with love. In the intellectual part of my brain (the part that can earn me a degree) / reading in books / in movies / in another's account, I can understand that it's not, but a piece of my head and my heart laughs, because behind "knowing" that, I still think it's wrong -- that for me it really does mean caring-love and a form of affection. Actually, love speaking-hitter is more frightening to me than raging-hitter because that's when.............no, I can't say it, and I can't stand hearing it, and I can't can't can't tolerate thinking thoughts of it for half a second. But they come all the time now, they never stop! I have always been better at turning it off but there are reminders all the time now that make silencing my head impossible. I know it's not the same. He. even though.... I know it....but still. Someone has to tell me how to TURN IT OFF. It is contaminating him and his goodness. It is too confusing because I interpret everything bad as bad, but everything "good" as bad too. Or maybe there's just never any real good. I don't know! But it makes it impossible for the world to seem anything BUT a terrifying pile of sh*t.
.......okay I know it sounds like gibberish but I'm really terribly frightened by posting this. I want to erase it like I erase everything else in my head. But it doesn't. And this has been in my head so much the past two weeks.....ahhhh!.....F*ck my stupid head..... :""( I can read it sometimes in other's posts but can't tolerate it connected to me - too, too close :( [even hearing the three letter acronym or the "i" word makes me lose it. (((different words))) ]
I'm going insane!! :'(
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 13:40:27
In reply to more2 * abuse trig, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 12:48:50
Hey Elaine,
sounds like you have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I get these a lot sometimes. They make me wish to do dire things to myself. I'm not surprised at all at the desparation in your voice.Somehow you need to come back to be "Elaine". It's scary, because you're not really sure who you are, after taking so many mind altering medications, and being psychologically tormented for so long.
The fact that you've been able to live through so much is a great testament to your strength and bravery. The fact that you still want to help the man who is causing you so much grief (T) is a testament to your caring nature.
I hope you can spend some of your caring energy on caring for yourself. It sounds like you're doing pretty well, all things considered. Just remember when things start getting crazy in your head that you are NOT ALONE. There are others who have those loud screaming voices and unpleasant images and overactive imaginations (myself, perhaps?)
What kind of things will help you come back to the "here and now" ? How about babble-chat? How about calling someone, like a friend from uni? How about taking a nice warm bath? How about reading a simple book, or a trashy magazine? How about forcing yourself to leave your place, buy a newspaper and read in a cafe for an hour or so.
The latter has been my therapy. I'm kind of depressed this weekend. It's really hard for me to get my work done, and I have a really bad week coming up. So? I don't know what to tell you. Just hang in there, and know that we love you too :)
my pdoc has me on a fairly high dose of seroquel. I went from 50 mg to 300 mg in 10 days. This is a mood stabilizer with anti-depressant effects (haven't really noticed THOSE yet!) and also is one of the atypical antipsychotics. I have noticed a lot less of the ruminating thoughts and nasty flashbacks since starting this treatment (however, note that I also started taking klonopin- a benzodiazepine- at the same time.)
Have you talked to a pdoc about your suicidal thoughts? You need to be treated for this, as soon as possible, in my opinion. I don't want you to hurt yourself.
with love,
Li
Posted by canadagirl on October 15, 2006, at 14:38:58
In reply to anyone, posted by ElaineM on October 14, 2006, at 19:49:35
Sending caring thoughts to you. No, you are definitely NOT infectious. Other than your infectious spirit of kindness and compassion for others that I have seen here, even in the midst of your own pain.
Posted by fayeroe on October 15, 2006, at 19:38:28
In reply to more2 * abuse trig, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 12:48:50
Elaine, I don't know you and I hope you won't mind my jumping into the thread.....I can feel that you are in a lot of pain right now and I wish I could do something to help you out. I could bring tea and we could just sit and relax for awhile.
When I have the intrusive thoughts, I turn to music. If I can't sleep I play a favourite CD pretty loud right by the head of the bed so that I have to pay attention to the lyrics. That might help you. A hot bath, as Li suggested, helps me at times.
You "T" worries me. It sounds as if you're taking care of him more than he caring for you. That can turn into a really sticky situation as you aren't able to heal him.
He has to turn to someone else and confide in a another professional. He also needs to realize what a tremendous burden he is putting up you, his patient. I suggest, gently, that you consider seeing someone else before your situation gets any worse.
Good Luck, Pat
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 20:05:53
In reply to Re: more2 * abuse trig » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 13:40:27
>>>The fact that you've been able to live through so much is a great testament to your strength and bravery.
T says that alot. He says I'm brave too, and he wants me to teach him to live with emotional pain the way I have. I've told him that it makes me want to scream when he says that, cause all it takes to be that paralyzed is years of helplessness and a lack of hope. He always says he admires my perseverance. I've felt more like I'm just being dragged along by the current. And I've told him that (before I got sick) I'd always liked pain, so I can take alot. Plus I have a kinda freeze response to alot of things, and then I just act/speak like how the other person wants.
>>>>>The latter has been my therapy. I'm kind of depressed this weekend. It's really hard for me to get my work done, and I have a really bad week coming up. So? I don't know what to tell you. Just hang in there, and know that we love you too :)
I can't do alot of stuff anymore. But I try. I try to walk when I can.
I'm sorry you feel so depressed. This week coming is gonna be bad for me too. (I haven't posted that part yet)I've refused to take any more psychotropics. I've never found any to have a noticeable effect when taking them - except when coming off. I have had seroquel recommended before (they had everyone on that in ED treatment. It's a popular drug) but I don't want it. Also, I have a pretty huge fear of medications (all kinds) - even antibiotics. It's taken alot for me to comply with all the tooth medications all summer. And now with this other infection....I think this has also been contributing to my panic levels. I'm still skeptical of ativan - still a bit frightening. But I'm not bad at taking it now - though I think I just get a placebo effect from it. T was the one who got me to finally test painkillers. I couldn't do it before. This fear/mild phobia was something LadyT was working with me on.
I'll be thinking of you all this week. I'll try and be strong cause I know you'll be doing the same.
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 20:11:20
In reply to Re: anyone » ElaineM, posted by canadagirl on October 15, 2006, at 14:38:58
caraher, CG, I blove you both. You're both always caring posters.
Sometimes, when I'm in a good period, I find the board the same as LadyT was. Like I say my scary thoughts, or tell sad things, and you guys say that you can hear that I am sad/scared/nervous, and care. And then I can tell that you're listening and hearing what I'm saying. And then I'm not completely alone.
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 20:27:17
In reply to Re: more2 * abuse trig » ElaineM, posted by fayeroe on October 15, 2006, at 19:38:28
Hi fayeroe, I don't ever mind anyone jumping in. You sound like my old T too. I'd like to have tea with you too. I drink tons of it. And I listen to music and do the same thing as you by focusing on singing or saying the lyrics -- sometimes I can re-focus myself. Sometimes it makes me sad cause I can't dance anymore, but I just try and not listen to theater music.
>>>>You "T" worries me. It sounds as if you're taking care of him more than he caring for you. That can turn into a really sticky situation as you aren't able to heal him.
I'm trying to. I figure I cause him so much pain that the least I can do is try and help soothe him or something. I just find it hard to spend time together outside the office. Even though it would help him not be lonely or sad, it scares the sh*t out of me. I feel sort of safe inside his office. I'm already so close to screaming during sessions. Either that or I just lie there like I've been shot (when I manage to come to him during a bad pain time). I just can't stop thinking terrifying thoughts, and I think he's picking up on it, and it hurts him more. I care for him alot but I just can't say the L word. It's too hard. And it makes bad thoughts come more.
>>>>He has to turn to someone else and confide in a another professional. He also needs to realize what a tremendous burden he is putting up you, his patient.
He did start to see one of his old T's, but he's not gonna keep going, and he's not gonna talk about me. (I may have said more details about this earlier, but maybe not, too lazy to re-read)
>>>>>I suggest, gently, that you consider seeing someone else before your situation gets any worse.
Pat, it's amazing that you said that at the very end, cause that's what the final part of my update was about, and why this week coming could be hard, and what I need help with. But I haven't decided if I can write it out cause I'm afraid - though I'll probably just blurt it anyways.
Thanks for the support.
blove, EL
Posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 21:11:13
In reply to Re: more2 » fayeroe, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 20:27:17
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 21:11:34
In reply to Re: more2 * abuse trig » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 20:05:53
Hey Elaine,
PLEASE take your antibiotics. Your kidneys are a very important part of your body. You are going to need them the rest of your life. You know, when my dad's kidney's are acting up, the first symptom is always an increase in emotionality. SO! just becuase you may think of them as useless pee-processors, they are actually the detox centers for your entire body. If you are thinking about changing or stopping your meds, you should do this with the help of a professional. If you've decided to do it on your own, please be smart and listen to the voice inside that tells you if you're in danger.The reason why your T is never going to be able to learn to live with fear the way you do (and dare I say myself) is because he didn't go to the same "school" we did. 17 years of that "education" will teach you a lot of acting skills. And a lot of "coping" skills too. Unfortunately when school lets out, we find out we maybe have stuff to learn yet.
(((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))
take care of yourself. I'm worried about you.
Finish the prescription of the antibiotics. trust me- only taking half the pills will only kill the wimpy bacteria. The strong ones remain and multiply. Then you may get I.V. antibiotics. yuck.
((((((((((((kidneys))))))))))))))
drink lots of herbal tea and water, and rest. Get lots of rest.(((((((Elaine))))))))
hugs for you. Even if you like pain, I know there's a little part of you that appreciates a friendly hug from someone who cares.
love,
lindenblossom
Posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 22:40:23
In reply to Re: more2 * abuse trig » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 21:11:34
I promise I will. I am. Don't worry (((Li))) I'm working hard to do what doctors say. I'd probably do anything a doctor said. Or at least try. When I get wishing for death I sometimes get the urge to throw out all my pills and never go to another doctor again. But I've been so good this summer with AB. I've never been on such a long string of them. Though this is the first physician to prescribe them - it's only been dentists before :( I have a hard time fighting the urge to turn away from believing in doctors cause they keep letting me down. But I will finish the pills that young-doc gave me. I promise you. Plus IV's are yucky and I wouldn't want one. And I think of LadyDoc, and she would want me to take medicine - if she doesn't hate me now.
>>>>hugs for you. Even if you like pain, I know there's a little part of you that appreciates a friendly hug from someone who cares.
You are right :"( ((((((Li)))))) I like training myself to feel that way. But I like safe hugs - even though that's scary to say. What happens when you admit that you like hugging trustful people and then the hugs don't ever come. I fear I've spent a whole life conditioning myself to accept the wrong things.
You take care too. You wear your gloves and I will take the huge pills.
I don't know how much I'll post now. T is back and he sent a scary (not violent scary) email. I'm scared. He is upset that I've been missing sessions cause of doc and dentist appointments. (I had an unsuccessful, second! round of endo done on rootcanal#2 last week. He may want to pull it :-( I'm gonna beg for one more round.) But he says I'm not proving that I want to be coming to see him. I sent him one back saying sorry and explaining more what's going on in my head, but he hasn't returned it.
I did have something pretty big to say but I keep feeling like sh*t. I was kinda glad he was home before. I wasn't expecting that message :-( I feel guilty so much for speaking. Maybe I should train myself to not need to post stuff on the board like I do to think I like pain - but who will I get help from then.
blove, EL
ps. (((((mufflie))))
Posted by muffled on October 15, 2006, at 22:44:37
In reply to Re: more2 » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on October 15, 2006, at 22:40:23
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