![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 46. Go back in thread:
Posted by caraher on September 1, 2006, at 22:18:21
In reply to Re: empty » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2006, at 21:25:36
(((El)))
Like sunnydays said, you were very brave to go and to talk about it. You would be proud of yourself if your emotions reflected the truth about your worth.
Posted by annierose on September 1, 2006, at 22:29:55
In reply to empty, posted by ElaineM on September 1, 2006, at 21:11:53
Will she refer you to a therapist - or see you again?
I'm slightly confused. Did you share with her the context of your "therapy" w/the man that claims to be acting as a therapist?
I can imagine how difficult and emotionally draining the day was for you. I remember that you went to see that person that calls himself a therapist beforehand.
Be proud of yourself for acting as your own advocate. It's a hard thing to do especially when you are feeling so vulnerable. I feel sad when I read your posts and you put yourself down. I wish you could be nice to "YOU" --- give yourself a BIG hug. You deserve it.
Posted by Poet on September 1, 2006, at 23:02:23
In reply to empty, posted by ElaineM on September 1, 2006, at 21:11:53
Hi Elaine,
I know that I never believe anything positive anyone says about me, so I understand if you don't believe me that you are not empty, you are brave.
What you did took courage. Courage you didn't know you had the strength to draw on, but you did. So what if you cried. What you said was the truth and sometimes the truth hurts enough to make you cry.
Many safe cyber hugs to Brave Elaine. ((((Elaine))))
Poet
Posted by MidnightBlue on September 2, 2006, at 1:15:14
In reply to empty, posted by ElaineM on September 1, 2006, at 21:11:53
Elaine,
If you feel empty, it is because less of the posion is inside you. You spilled quite a bit of it out. That is what is supposed to happen. You let go of the hurtful things and bad secrets.
Now, let's fill that emptiness with kind thoughts and love from your babble friends.
Hugs,
Midnightblue
Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 11:27:40
In reply to Re: empty » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2006, at 21:25:36
sunnydays,
It didn't hit me before but I think you're so right. Even just hearing a female voice say "t things" again is painful. Both she and LadyDoc were in the back of my mind because of all the questions she kept asking. During the interview, I was able to finally say that I've lost my doctor because she only works in the univeristy too -- I didn't say her name though because she's so well-known at the school. But I also made sure that the counsellor ( CC) wouldn't search her out once she knew where she worked. But she also wanted to know about the ED -- and I had to keep alot of it hidden. I didn't even mention LadyT because then there would be a possible clear path to my T now. So I didn't mention about being in the hospital, and hid how seriously I've been sick before. Even the act of hiding her made me think of her more -- and how, if I was only still with her, none of this would be happening.
But also cause CC was nice. And it's been awhile since I've spoken to a woman in person. But one thing I didn't expect was that hearing her say the normal T phrases: the "I understand" mhhmmm's, all the positive affirmation, mirroring... It felt hurtful. ??? As though she were saying nothing instead of something. It felt dissmissive or cold, even though that's how LadyT used to sound. I don't understand. How my T now speaks to me now is not always right-feeling -- but this was not right-feeling either. Nothing will ever seem just right anymore -- either too much or too little.
Thankyou for saying you are proud -- I still don't see it as anything worthy of pride though. It's easy to be a suck and complain and be a big-mouth. It's harder to be strong enough to adapt to less than ideal situations. But I read your reply last night before I went to sleep and it made me feel a little better.
EL
Posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:15:54
In reply to Re: empty » sunnydays, posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 11:27:40
Hi, I used to come a while ago but now I just drop in once in a while. I read your message because of the title.
Sometimes empty is a good place to start. For me. When I am empty, I can start to replace bad feelings with better feelings.
I don't know anything about your history and I'm just a voice out of nowhere, but I agree that telling everything to someone was courageous. "It's easy to be a suck and complain and be a big-mouth" Maybe. But it's hard to tell the truth.
Posted by happyflower on September 2, 2006, at 14:20:53
In reply to empty, posted by ElaineM on September 1, 2006, at 21:11:53
I am so proud of you Elaine. You are one strong cookie even it you don't think so yourself. Take care of yourself okay. You are welcome to talk more about it if you like or when you feel up to it. You are doing the right thing, really, even if it feels so bad. (((((Elaine))))
Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:22:28
In reply to Re: empty, posted by annierose on September 1, 2006, at 22:29:55
Yes, sorry, I was a bit confusing last night. But also, I didn't want to think too much more about it. I did tell her everything (well maybe 80% - couldn't do any better than that). The first thing CC said was something like, "From your email it sounded like you're in a difficult relationship", and she asked me to tell her a little. It was so hard to start. How do you start properly? So I said the relationship was taboo. But I panicked and only mentioned the significant age-gap. Then she got some of the specific (personal) details. And by then I was shaking so much - I couldn't control my hands and was stuttering really bad. I think I said, "But..um,..." about a million times, and started crying. And through it all she had that arched-eyebrow look that LadyT used to get when listening. And I sorta whispered that he was a T. She asked "A T, or your T". And I told her Mine. oh god, i feel really bad again. i'm so untrust-worthy. i feel so bad. I hate me. I don't care what happens.
I think CC was grossed out. She didn't really know what to say except that it was not my responsibility. But she wouldn't listen to me trying to explain what I did. She wasn't hearing. I shouldn't be blameless in everything just because I'm a crazy. But her answer to the examples I gave was always something like, HE should know better. But I think she was really grossed out.
I was only to see her once to "check in", she said, because I shouldn't be seeing her without being a student anymore. But she wants to see me once more next week -- she's searching down contacts for me. She was more concerned about me getting a physician. (this part is hard to talk about, so i won't say much) She seemed concerned about how the multiple deaths in my family, my illness, losing LadyDoc, and having such an empty life, have influenced the situation. ...i don't know...i don't like thinking of those things. But I did say that I'd please like a female T. So I don't know what will happen. I want her to keep me. But that can't happen :-(
i can't talk right now about what happened with T before the meeting with CC.
Annierose, thank you for being so nice to me.
Posted by sunnydays on September 2, 2006, at 14:33:12
In reply to Re: empty » annierose, posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:22:28
Elaine, she said that it was HIS responsibility, because it is HIS responsibility. It's his job, and he knows better. He wouldn't be trying to manipulate you so much if he wasn't afraid because he feels guilty. It is HIS responsibility, not yours. Good job for telling her he is your T. I hope he won't be your T for much longer, for your sake. I hope you find the kind of T you deserve, someone with boundaries who is kind, caring, respectful, and really helps the Elaine that we know is so wonderful.
sunnydays
Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:54:36
In reply to Re: empty » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on September 2, 2006, at 1:15:14
I'm sorry if it's rude to do group replies (I'm not sure what people think of that.) but I'm just not good with my words right now -- and it's hard to transfer blankness, tears to the screen.
Caraher, Poet and MidnightBlue, Thank you. I appreciate hearing from each of you (and I hope it doesn't seem like the opposite since I can't respond individually right now). But it is so hard to come from sessions, or scary meetings like this last one, and have only myself after. Only my own replays of all the stupid or hurtful things I'd said. Only my own fear and guilty and loneliness. And being so upset, it leaves me feeling like i'm the only person in the world even more than usual. You make me feel like I'm not so alone (at least when I'm on the computer)
I don't think I'll ever believe good things about myself. There is what I think of, and how I experience myself. There's a ton of evidence of what others have thought of me, from my experiences in the past. There's the people who hate me now (or at least, don't care).....And then there is an old T, an old Doc, and you guys who are saying differently. And my T (who I guess, doesn't count). And while the gesture is appreciated, the "EL's bad" side is sooo much bigger -- And it makes sense to me.
Does anyone ever not hate themself?
Thanks for trying to fill my head with other thoughts. I babble-Love you all.
EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 15:32:13
In reply to Re: empty, posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:15:54
Hi Shortelise, yep, I don't recognize your screen-name. Nice to meet you. You know, I'm always so surprised when I see a name I don't know, or a "new" person. I still forget that this is an open place -- that it's not just a board where only twenty or so people post. I forget ALOT that anyone at all could read this. It's something I re-realized this past week, and my nerves have been going up and down cause of it.
But fear of exposure is usually trumped by meeting another nice person. So, thanks for responding. Empty does sound like a better place to start from. I'd love to replace some of the cr@p with good feelings. It just has not happened that way in a long time. Thanks for answering. [hope you stick around for a while :-)]
Happyflower, I'm always glad to hear from you [especially when you are doing so well :-) what a great opportunity!] It is VERY hard for me to turn off the good feelings I still have for my T. I still wish I could fix things. I still care for him (but in what way and how, I'm not sure. That's the confusing part)
As far as sharing more of the other stuff that happened before meeting with CC, I don't think I can do it right now. I know you guys will listen -- you always do. I just feel bad when I lean hard on some of you. ((((listeners))))) I guess I'm trying to figure out if it helps me exposing more truths, or only ends up hurting more.
Thanks for the encouragement. It always helps.
EL
Posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 17:59:09
In reply to Re: empty » annierose, posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:22:28
> oh god, i feel really bad again. i'm so untrust-worthy. i feel so bad. I hate me. I don't care what happens.
(((El))) You ARE trustworthy. Your T betrayed YOUR trust by foisting on you a relationship you never sought from him. We love you, hope you feel better soon and care very much what happens!
> I think CC was grossed out. She didn't really know what to say except that it was not my responsibility. But she wouldn't listen to me trying to explain what I did. She wasn't hearing. I shouldn't be blameless in everything just because I'm a crazy. But her answer to the examples I gave was always something like, HE should know better. But I think she was really grossed out.Yes - by your T's misbehavior! It doesn't get much more unethical than what he's done with you. It would shock and disgust any conscientious proactioner of a helping profession!
You say she wasn't hearing what you did. You're quite wrong there. I'm certain she heard every word. What you call "not hearing" was actually her disagreement with your belief that this is somehow your fault. It isn't. Period. As someone said on an earlier thread, you could strip naked and dance on the table in front of your T and it wouldn't diminish his responsibility to maintain proper behavior.
> I was only to see her once to "check in", she said, because I shouldn't be seeing her without being a student anymore. But she wants to see me once more next week
I'm very, very glad she will see you. (You'll go, right?)
> But I did say that I'd please like a female T.
Good!
Keep this up, El. You've taken the first step down the road to getting *genuine* help, the hep you richly deserve!
Posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 18:07:39
In reply to caraher, Poet, MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on September 2, 2006, at 14:54:36
> I'm sorry if it's rude to do group replies (I'm not sure what people think of that.) but I'm just not good with my words right now -- and it's hard to transfer blankness, tears to the screen.
It's not at all rude... I don't think there's any expectation at all of an individual reply to each individual post.
>
> I don't think I'll ever believe good things about myself.Well, let's try and see what happens. Not much to lose, is there? :)
>There is what I think of, and how I experience myself. There's a ton of evidence of what others have thought of me, from my experiences in the past. There's the people who hate me now (or at least, don't care).....And then there is an old T, an old Doc, and you guys who are saying differently. And my T (who I guess, doesn't count). And while the gesture is appreciated, the "EL's bad" side is sooo much bigger -- And it makes sense to me.
Could you try this, El? Maintain a list of good things people have said about you. I have my own list of nice things you (and others) have said about me, and that helps me. (So far I'm only *slightly* conceited as a result ;) ) As you watch the list grow you might find it more and more effective against your sour memories of hateful people who have put you down.
>
> Does anyone ever not hate themself?Believe it or not, it does happen, even to people like you who can't imagine ever feeling that way. Even if you don't yet believe you're lovable, act as if you are. Someday you might even start believing it yourself!
(((El)))
Posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 19:24:35
In reply to Re: empty, posted by Shortelise on September 2, 2006, at 13:15:54
Wow -- I know you have no reason to believe this but I was just talking about you yesterday!!!! We miss you around here. Not to hi-jack the thread but I'd love to know how things are going. If you start a thread I'll tell you why I was talking about you... :) (enticement)
Love,
Daisy
Posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 0:02:29
In reply to Re: empty, posted by caraher on September 2, 2006, at 17:59:09
caraher, you are kinder than i deserve. forgive me if i ramble tonight. A couple of glasses and my hands are leaden but my mind is spinning...
I know what is supposed to be right, and what's supposed to be wrong. I really feel like I must defend my T. He didn't force me into a relationship - at least, i don't consider myself having been forced. He said he felt that I wasn't benefiting from the cold, clinical stance, and so he approached me from a more friend-like perspective. And I agreed to that. I still do. I had always wanted my LadyT to consider me a friend, and I know that it's a common thing for therapy clients to wish for, so I should feel lucky that he chose to push the standards that way.
He has not forced me to sleep with him, or even come close. He has not kissed me, or touched any part of that's not already uncovered by summer clothes. He would never hurt me, or wish me ill -- infact he's been the only one to offer to accompany me to the hospital for tests. He gives me presents and flowers on special occasions when my family doesn't. He writes me prescriptions when the other doctors don't. He does paperwork for me -- more than I help him.
If all he wants is for me to let him love me, then I can do that. And I should be honored. If something more is required, then I barely even care. I don't. This fat broken body is not really mine anyways -- this is not the me I know. But he always says that everything has to be my choice, and that I have to stop having him do doctor stuff for me. I probably don't even need a T. It doesn't matter. I KNOW I DON'T CARE! I am glad he is so good to me. And from Friday's session I am sure. And I know that if I could recognize what happy felt like, I'd probably be feeling it now. But my body is dumb, and it cries on it's own, for no reason.
Maybe I even love him back. Maybe I do. I don't even know how to speak properly lately, nevermind decide what I feel. I wanted nothing more than for my LadyDoc to love me like her daughter. I felt like LadyT's daughter. So who knows. I don't even know what any kind of love feels like, so maybe I just can't recognize it when it's there. I have a hard enough time registering that I "like" something - a book, a perfume, a tv show, it doesn't matter, I don't even know how to enjoy stuff. It's no wonder people-stuff is beyond me. What the h*ll am I saying? Why do I not make sense.
I just wanted to not be difficult for CC during my appointment. And if I show up next Friday it will be so as to not insult her efforts, and because I'm a lonely loser. I know I don't care. I don't want another T. Does anyone ever come out of therapy better? Even my best experiences with one only ended up hurting still in the end, because there was an end.
I should email LadyT while I'm still feeling nice and fuzzy. I miss her -- or at least the her from my memory. If i felt like this more often then i would panic less. i do like vacations from my head. And i'm good for no SI. It is so late-early now.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 8:57:33
In reply to Re: empty, posted by caraher on September 1, 2006, at 22:18:21
(((((Elaine)))))
I'm taking it easy this weekend. Catching up now. Haven't read the thread yet.
You are strong, and brave for being open, and for crying in front of the counselor. If there were any standards of what you "should" do in such your uniquely painful situation, I think you just rewrote the book.
This is a big step. Very big. Sorry it's so scary. You're going to make it through this.
-ll
(((((((((bigsteps for El))))))))))
Posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 9:28:04
In reply to Re: empty » caraher, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 8:57:33
Elaine, as a latecomer to this thread, I have the privilege to read everything all at once, and your thinking on this topic is really illuminating.
Pretend like you are writing a summary of your babble entries for some random English class. Might go like this
1) It was really hard to go see crisis counsellor (CC), but I went, and I feel confused and scared, but it felt like it was the right thing to do, and I opened up about a lot of things that I've been keeping secret for a long time.
2) I feel empty and conflicted, because I'm not sure if I told the CC everything that she needs to know, because I'm trying to protect my abusive "T" and not reveal too much about my ED hospitalization. I feel some relief that someone will help me find a better therapist for me. Please make it a woman.
3) CC doesn't really care about me, she wasn't even listening, and probably thinks I'm disgusting. She's going to see me again, but I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure I want to change Ts. I don't really need a therapist right now.
4) My current "T" is wonderful. He has been so generous as to let me make all the choices about my participation in this relationship. I think he's a lovely, kind man who is helping me out in so many different ways. I hate myself because I feel that I've betrayed his kindness. I could love him.
I realize that I have just written what is a major Psycho-Babble incivility. I have put words into your mouth. I have been selective about what I choose to read from your replies, and I have surely put a lot of llrrrpp's voice into this summary, even while using first person, as if I were Elaine.
It's a risk. I chose to take it, because I'm trying to illustrate something. Elaine, I pose the question to you-- what's the purpose of me doing this? What am I trying to show you?
-ll
I'll give you a few more hints: I think you're a wonderful person, and that you're strong and admirable. I think that you're smart and kind.
Posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
In reply to whoa!! can we switch tracks?, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 9:28:04
I'm so embarrassed by that post. I'm sorry - I shouldn't have been typing then. And when I read it back today I found it really triggering. I don't get triggered easily but I think the fact that it was my own post made it worse. oh, it's so terrible - certain phrases bouncing off each other. i don't even want to say it cause it's probably only noticeable to me, but it's so upsetting. I can't believe all I have to do is let my guard down a bit and that comes out.
oh. can't get over how disturbed i am. Eww. i want ladyt. I do need her. I need her for this part. She's the only one. ... No no no. This is all wrong. I can't stop thinking about it. (i want to scream so loud until my throat hurts)
I am sorry to caraher for attaching his name to that. I'm sorry to lurp for having to read it. gross. Lurp you are right. I do not think clearly. I am still the same as before. (and those are my words, not yours). It is glaring and silly when you point it out like that. You are nicely showing me how my mind changes so much. I am trying to convince myself that the way things happen are the way I wanted them to....(crying. ewww)...because then i don't have to worry...like other times. and i don't have to be sad or scared because i am picking that way. even went i didn't really...(tears)..... everything is too much of the same.
and i still want to say that maybe i am the one forcing all the choices. i STILL want to say it. It's still...always..still the first thing my brain, my mouth will say. why am i the dumbest person on this board? I'm just so fed up with myself. It is too d@mn hard to have two tapes playing constantly, over top each other. and i don't even think either one is truly me. i have no me. i am a blank. I would please like to turn off my feelings, like how they were when i didn't ever think or get sad.
lurp, i wish you had just said, "shut up you effing psycho. we hate you". if someone said that then it would be easier to stop trying. it would be easier to do the easier thing. and i'd feel less guilty about being. But you didn't. (shaking head) ... it doesn't make sense. I am grateful that you are so patient and kind. ((((LL))))) I am sorry I made you respond (in a way). i am sorry cause people are trying to help me without knowing everything. it is not fair to people. I will work on stopping, because i have NO IDEA what i really want. how can i know that ever? if there are two things that i think, how do i know which is truly me. if i am one way here, and another way apparently at my sessions, then which is me?! i really really need to know. it's really important.
i've found (am finding) it hard to accept postive support. it hurts to find myself touched by something others say. perhaps i am not the type of person who should be here.
Posted by muffled on September 3, 2006, at 18:29:07
In reply to off track » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
Well. Not wanting to put stuff in your head. But there's this thing I thinks called splitting off or something.
Its not DID, its just kinda like having other ways of being that sorta take over sometimes. And you get so much noise with the other parts fighting in your head its hard to think. And you dunno where your emotions are comming from or why. And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
Anyhow. If you got other me's. Sometimes its possible to talk to them and calm them down some. Cuz I think lotsa times the other me's are often young. So you got to treat them so. And lotsa times they just scared. Sometimes they just wanto be noticed.
And while you can't tell yourself your not repulsive cuz another voice starts screaming that you are, well, maybe you can tell one of the little 'you''s inside of you, that they are ok. Cuz they just kids. They just want some comfort and caring.
Well, I dunno if this makes sense but I goto run.
Take special care El.
Your not hurting people here. We just wish we could do more to help. And lotsa times we recognize patterns of our own behavior in yours. Cuz you not so different. You just seriously, rightfully freaked right now.
And lotsa us know how that feels too.
And it passes.
And its hard.
But it'll be ok.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by annierose on September 3, 2006, at 21:43:47
In reply to off track » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
You should be here. I'm glad you reached out to us. I hope you can find a professional therapist who can truly help you. Part of your confussion it your "therapist's" fault. He more than crossed a professional boundary.
Don't blame any of that relationship on yourself. It's his responsibility. He messed up --- BIG TIME!
Posted by caraher on September 3, 2006, at 21:54:41
In reply to off track » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
Hey El,
No need to apologize for having my name in the subject line! I'll have more to say later when I have some time, but you're not stupid, and if you read other threads you'll find some of the wisest people here have huge blind spots when it comes to themselves! You're little worse than any of us in that regard!
(((El)))
Posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 9:15:22
In reply to whoa!! can we switch tracks?, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 9:28:04
Elaine,
Don't be ashamed of your thoughts and feelings. The reason why I pointed out your train of thought is because it's so human. It's SO universal. Just take out the specifics, and my mind goes through that chain of thought ALL the time. El, you're not psycho, it's just that your mind is doing it's best to make sense of a situation that is simply too much to bear. It's often easier for an outside observer to figure out these little patterns.Just because it's human and natural to be feeling the way you are at any moment during this thread doesn't make it easy. You're really hurting, Elaine, and it's hard to watch a friend hurting like you are. I hope you get a change in scenery soon. A fresh perspective, a new toehold.
You're trying SO hard to get help. You've been making appointments, keeping us up to date. Even when you're at your worst, you're still a wonderful person. I hope you'll stick around babble. You're doing the best you can with what you've got, and that's all that anybody can ever expect from you. (((((El)))))
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
In reply to Re: me's » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 3, 2006, at 18:29:07
>>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.
I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.
So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.
I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.
b-love, EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 23:16:53
In reply to Re: whoa!! can we switch tracks? » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 9:15:22
Yes, too much to take. I think i'm having a nervous breakdown. So i'm going to go to lunch tomorrow. And whatever sessions i can get to - cause i don't know what else to do. i have to do what i know. what i'm used to. And as effed up as it sounds, i can't be feeling this unstable alone. even though he's kind of the cause, i want his help. i am way too frantic inside. I'm embarassing myself in posts. I'm triggering myself, bringing up a buried issue I only spoke of very surface-ly with ladyT. I've lost any strength I had: my doctor, my other emotional contact is gone. controlling the SI is gone -- gone after so much progress :-( therapy is somewhat gone -- or completely or what. even my dysfunctional ED is gone. I don't even have that! I've lost everything.
Whatever. i don't care anymore - my tears are done. either this will fix itself, or what happens will happen. Though i'm probably gonna lose my mind first. You've probably kept me saner longer (ie.above: annierose, caraher, LL). it is hard to go through this alone -- with no one to tell me "don't worry. i made it through the same." (at least I had that with the anorexia) But even psych woman and ladydoc had never known another patient in this situation. It is so very lonely. I've never felt sooo alone. I can taste it. Not that i would ever wish anyone else the same confusion (but i think you know what I mean). ((((((those who identify))))))) - that's all.
what is going to happen to me :-( I can't take it. I can't stop shaking my head. there is no outcome of this that will not hurt. this is going to break me.
Posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 0:37:26
In reply to Re: me's » muffled, posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
> >>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
>
> That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.***I lost my emotions for awhile too. I remember looking out the window and wondering, when was the last time I laughed, or cried, or was happy. Everything Ishowed to the world was a put on show. To try and appear as if I was normal , when I knew I wasn't...
Yeah, I used to get SOOOOOOOOOOOO scared, cuz I'd get this choking feeling in my throat, and I would be afraid to go to sleep, cuz I was afraid it would get worse, and I'd run out of air completely before I could summon some help, and they would find me dead. It turns out that the choking feeling was sadness. I didn't figger it out until many years later...
I was afraid to be happy. Cuz when you get happy you get hurt....or so I thot. I now have figgered thats another wrong thing I thot.
It does sound like you may be dissociative. And there's nothing wrong with that. It can be frustrating cuz of the blanks, but it does help at times. And eventually as things getr better you will blank less.
>
> I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.***I too had the problem of caring bout others and stressing myself out. My T has been trying to explain to me as how you can 'come alongside' someone in their pain. But you don't take on their pain, cuz that don't help them any, and hurts yourself.
I STILL have a problem with letting anyone close to me.
You have many wrong words playing in your head.
Can you say NO!!! to the ones you recognize as possibly untrue and unkind to yourself?
Sometimes writing down the stuff you say to yourself, and then refuting it on paper helps(in small doses!).
>
> So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.***Yeah, THAT word. The L-word. Had a lotta probs with that too. think lotsa people do. Its a very problematic word.
>
> I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.***Don't worry bout me. Typing this stuff to you reinforces it to myownself.
You respond just fine. I thank you for keeping in touch.
I think your words are fine. How can you write coherant words when you can scarcely form a coherant thot?
I wonder if some meds to slow things down for you and give you a bit of a break might help?
The latest thing round here seems to be seroquel. I've heard good stuff bout it. Helps people to think more clearly, reduces anxiety.
If you are feeling really desparate, is there any chance you could admit yourself(always better to self admit than to be comitted),to hosp. to get stabilized? I dunno what hosps. are like in your area. seems to vary quite a bit.
See, you don't strike me at all as a seriously disturbed person, just a person who needs some help and stabilization to get thru this rough patch at this time.
I hope you are more successful with the new T, or whatever happens.
Keep plugging away. The system sucks where I am. But you just goto try and get the right person to help you.
You can find another good T.
I don't think you need to say bout who present T is.
Just the situation is all. And how you feel bout it and stuff.
I think you been doing very well.
Honestly.
Its a tough situ. your in.
And please do give us the honor of sharing your burden just alittle bit.
Because you ARE worthy El.
Really.
And don't let the nasty voice say otherwise, or I gonna have to come and kick Nastys *ss. Cuz El is OK. Nastyvoice is just plain nasty and dishonest.
Take care El.
Muffled
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