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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by fallsfall on December 11, 2005, at 13:21:02
In reply to I am going to tell my T that I am leaving my DH, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 12:22:53
What a hard decision. I wish you peace and happiness.
Posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 13:27:08
In reply to wow; big decision » happyflower, posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 13:13:18
>>
> You definitely deserve to be happy. Will you give your husband an opportunity to change (by doing marriage therapy or something)?I have been trying to communicate with him since last Feb., I suggest couples counceling at least 4 times since then, suggest indivdial therapy for him, I wrote him letters trying to get him to open up to me. I get NOTHING in return. He just doesn't want me anymore, simple as that, I don't believe he loves me at all. I have pulled away from him, he hasn't even noticed. I have tried kicking him in the butt sort of to speak, nothing has worked. He just doesn't care.
Or have you decided the relationship is over?
Yes, the relationship is over, has been for a long time now, not my choice either. I wanted it to work out. I though I married the most caring, sensistive man that I have ever met. Well people change, I never thought he could ever hurt me. Well he has very deeply, and I don't believe my heart can recover.
> And what does it mean to 'get your ducks in a row'???
I need to prepare financially. I have been a SAHM for 10 years now, I need to get a job, save some money, get a car, etc. I don't plan on telling him until I do have my ducks in a row. I have time on my side right now. Unless he comes home and says he loves "Dinah" and he leaves me first. I am strong I can do this. I need to get myself emotionally stronger in order to help my kids get through this too.You know it is one thing to never have a parents love, you don't know what you are missing. But to lose love from your DH hurts really bad, becasue I know what I am missing. I just don't know if I can ever trust a "good guy" again.
>
Posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 13:36:35
In reply to Re: wow; big decision, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 13:27:08
Posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 14:49:29
In reply to Re: wow; big decision, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 13:27:08
> I have been trying to communicate with him since last Feb., I suggest couples counceling at least 4 times since then, suggest indivdial therapy for him, I wrote him letters trying to get him to open up to me. I get NOTHING in return. He just doesn't want me anymore, simple as that, I don't believe he loves me at all. I have pulled away from him, he hasn't even noticed. I have tried kicking him in the butt sort of to speak, nothing has worked. He just doesn't care.
It sounds as if you’ve given him plenty of chances.
> Yes, the relationship is over, has been for a long time now, not my choice either. I wanted it to work out. I though I married the most caring, sensistive man that I have ever met. Well people change, I never thought he could ever hurt me. Well he has very deeply, and I don't believe my heart can recover.
Gosh, that’s really tough.
> I need to prepare financially. I have been a SAHM for 10 years now, I need to get a job, save some money, get a car, etc. I don't plan on telling him until I do have my ducks in a row. I have time on my side right now. Unless he comes home and says he loves "Dinah" and he leaves me first. I am strong I can do this. I need to get myself emotionally stronger in order to help my kids get through this too.
Yes, preparing financially sounds like a good plan. And of course, talk to a lawyer.
> You know it is one thing to never have a parents love, you don't know what you are missing. But to lose love from your DH hurts really bad, becasue I know what I am missing. I just don't know if I can ever trust a "good guy" again.
(((((Happyflower))))). That’s so very sad. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.
Tamar
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:03:46
In reply to I am going to tell my T that I am leaving my DH, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 12:22:53
i'm so sorry you had to go through all that. but it sounds like you've given it every last effort.
what you've done is make a very hard decision and you should be proud of that.here's me sending you good vibes>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
cares
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 15:08:53
In reply to Re: wow; big decision, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 13:27:08
> >> Unless he comes home and says he loves "Dinah" and he leaves me first.
Boy, that gave me a start. :)
I think you're right about getting everything straightened out financially. If you're going to have the kids, you'll need to make sure he pays his fair share and that you can support yourself and the kids. And unfortunately, you may also have to be prepared to fight for custody.
Friendly divorces do happen, but it's probably wise to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 15:21:03
In reply to I am going to tell my T that I am leaving my DH, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 12:22:53
> Yes, I think I have emotionally distanced myself from him already and I will be leaving him this next year when I get my ducks in a row .
It's a scary decision. I struggled for years with it. I did the same thing; emotionally distanced myself from the ex.
The opposite of love isn't hate....it is indifference, that is the place I got to; was a good place to be.
Life is too short too stay in a emotionaless, sexless, careless marriage. I deserve better.
Well said, gurlfriend!
Always here for you, Hugs, Ally
Posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:11:07
In reply to Re: wow; big decision » happyflower, posted by Dinah on December 11, 2005, at 15:08:53
> > >> Unless he comes home and says he loves "Dinah" and he leaves me first.
>
> Boy, that gave me a start. :)
>
Don't mean to be offensive, but that is DH girlfriends name, and I hate that name, but don't hate you. You are a different Dinah, LOL
Posted by gardenergirl on December 11, 2005, at 16:50:41
In reply to Re: wow; big decision » Dinah, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:11:07
Wow, that is a big decision, one that I know you didn't make lightly.
How does it feel now to have decided?
gg
Posted by fairywings on December 12, 2005, at 10:22:25
In reply to I am going to tell my T that I am leaving my DH, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 12:22:53
Posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:56:09
In reply to I am going to tell my T that I am leaving my DH, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 12:22:53
I have been in a very bad marital state for much longer. For the first couple of years, my marriage was totally intolerable. I was being a complete jerk in the first year, and then it was my husband's turn to be a jerk.
But eventually we have stayed together, worked out most of the issues, and still manage to have lot of good time and affection towards each other. Actually these days, it has been extremely nice and pleasant and I miss him when he is not around, and I really like him a lot.
But honestly, it was not possible to put sincere effort into my marriage when I was still communicating with my first T. I always felt distracted emotionally, and even though I made attempts like trying to get him to a marriage counsellor etc, I didn't put my heart and soul in the marriage, and of course, whatever efforts I put in at that time didn't work. Oh by the way, my marriage was also like yours now.
I think you are in the same state too. I think you really are not capable of all the emotional investment needed for a marriage to work at this state - with your mind full of your T. It really isn't possible to try to work out a marriage fully when your heart is full with another guy. Subconsciously you might be sabotaging your own efforts.
Think about it more, and I think you need to wait atleast until a year after your therapy terminates and you stop seeing your T, to come to a realistic conclusion about your marriage.
Plus most people who are basically nice, will turn around even if they falter for a year or two. If you think your hsuband is basically a decent guy (and I think he has been in the past for the past 10 years with you), you should give him more time.
Posted by happyflower on December 12, 2005, at 21:48:12
In reply to I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:56:09
I respectlly disagree. I don't believe in being a martar, I have tried everything. Sorry, but therapy has made me stronger and a better happier person. I have been getting nothing but postive results from others around me about the changes in me. I deserve to be happy, I have been miserable for months because of my marriage. It is effecting everyone especially my kids.
Everyone is different. I for one would NEVER stay married to a guy who has physically abused me. I deserve better. I know I do. It's been almost a year now, I am not going through another year of this.
Posted by orchid on December 13, 2005, at 5:09:23
In reply to Re: I think you should give it more time. » orchid, posted by happyflower on December 12, 2005, at 21:48:12
Ok. Ultimately it is your choice and I know it is different for different persons. Plus I had been very conservative about divorce partly because of my country and culture as well. Maybe you wouldn't have the same issues.
But still, it is better to take time before making a drastic decision. For all you know, your husband might turn around quicker than most, and you might live happily ever after - that is, if you want to stay married to him.
But please don't act on this with still having very strong feelings about your T. I think it might end up to be a hasty decision. Atleast wait till you resolve your feelings about your T (one way or the other) before proceeding with your divorce.
> I respectlly disagree. I don't believe in being a martar, I have tried everything. Sorry, but therapy has made me stronger and a better happier person. I have been getting nothing but postive results from others around me about the changes in me. I deserve to be happy, I have been miserable for months because of my marriage. It is effecting everyone especially my kids.
> Everyone is different. I for one would NEVER stay married to a guy who has physically abused me. I deserve better. I know I do. It's been almost a year now, I am not going through another year of this.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:33:20
In reply to Re: I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 13, 2005, at 5:09:23
> Ok. Ultimately it is your choice and I know it is different for different persons. Plus I had been very conservative about divorce partly because of my country and culture as well. Maybe you wouldn't have the same issues.
I do not want a divorse, I really don't. But I don't want to live in a dead marraige. Life is too short for that . My T and I have gone over and over about me not believeing in divorce. I can't change my DH. It is up to him. So am I suppose to be miserable for what could be a long time for him to change. He won't talk to me, he refused to seek conceling. He won't talk to me about the other women. There is no affection or sex, and compainionship between us. It has been dead for months. I have cried a river of tears, I have not taken this decision lightly. Sometimes I preceive your comments about me, to almost seem like you believe I don't know anything or I don't even think about my situation. Almost like you think I am an airhead or something. Maybe it is your age talking or something or how you are viewing me. I have thought about all of this hours everday, talked about it in therapy. My thoughts have gone back and forth until I have made my final decsion. I feel at peace with my choice because I feel it is right. I can't make someone love me. When I look into my DH eyes, there is NO love there.
My T has said that adults that were abused as child often "take " abuse later in life or think they don't deserve better, they accept the unexceptable. Your DH has physically assulted you, and yet you want to remain with him. I know this is very common, but I think it is due to low self esteem. I know I deserve better, and I refuse to stay in a marriage that is dead. I have tried everything, he has done nothing. I deserve better. It takes a strong women to stand up for herself. I don't need a man to make me complete.
I don't believe we resolve our feelings. Feeling can change, but you can't delibertaly deceide "I am going to resolve my feelings". Feelings are what they are, we can't help what we feel. My feelings about my T are what they are. I can't change the way I feel. I would have the same feeling no matter what shape my marriage is in. My decision about my marriage has nothing to do with my T . I am not leaving my DH to be with my T .
I really believe you are critizing me by saying I am making a hasty decsion. I don't do that, I always think things through. You don't know me very well and your preceptions are off about me. I think you are projecting onto me and I think you have a very negative view of me.
You can say what you want to, you can feel what you want. But for someone to stay in marriage in which their DH has physically assulted you, and not that long ago either, just isn't the right thing to do and it is hard for me to take seriously what you think. I think YOUR thinking is off more than mine because I don't allow myslef to tolerate abuse. So you saying to me that I should stay in my unhappy marrige because he could change. Well I think I deserve better than living on a hope that things will change.
I have a lot of love to give and I deserve to have love returned to me. To me staying in a dead marriage with a slim hope that he might change is in a way almost abusing myself. I don't need that.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:50:23
In reply to I think you think very negatively of me » orchid, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:33:20
I made a very had decsion, I wanted a little support, maybe some hugs. But I feel like I am being judged again. I want to leave the boards, but I have tried that before, and I still come back. Why do I even bother posting anthing anymore? I posted to say my decesion about my marriage. It was a very hard thing to deceide. But now instead of feeling supported, I feel like I should just crawl in a hole and die. I am tired of reaching out for support and getting kicked in the face. (not by everyone )
Posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 12:26:48
In reply to I came here for support , not to be critized, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:50:23
I would like to say some supportive things but I am afraid of your reaction. Would you like to talk about this?
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 13:24:55
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » happyflower, posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 12:26:48
> I would like to say some supportive things but I am afraid of your reaction. Would you like to talk about this?
I would love to have some support, please don't be afraid of posting support. Sure I would like to talk about this if it is supportive and not trying to put me out to hang. LOL :)
Posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 13:54:26
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » one woman cine, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 13:24:55
I don't think anyone wants to hang you out to dry!
I do think though the spirit of what orchid was trying to say, was to take things slow and mull everything over. You have been posting alot about this, and I can intuit that you are conflicted. Your therapist wanted to break it off, and you were hesitant (you wrote you were feeling pressured), you wrote that Dr. B post, a short while ago. It's the holidays and I think it's generally a very emotional time.
When relationships aren't working out it's a very painful place to be. It seems like you are beginning to advocate for yourself in terms of your marriage, is that right? It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now, & maybe you need some support in therapy & maybe with more frequency.
Is it possible to wait and make a decision when you are not in such a emotional space?
I think it may well turn out the relationship has no hope of working & I hope you continue towards resolving this.
It also sounds like you have alot conflict (in terms of ambivalent feelings)in regards to your therapist/therapy. Maybe this can be worked on as well.
It's always better as a general rule to stay in the grey, rather than the black and white. I guess I worry when I "hear" people speak in absolutes. & maybe this is where you need to be right now.
& hey, you do yoga, right? There are alot of really good poses I can think of that will help bring you to some kind of calm, peaceful place. It would be worth a try.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 14:16:47
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » happyflower, posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 13:54:26
Thanks women cine,
Maybe orchid didn't want to hang me out to dry but I don't find her post supporting at all, not just today, but for a long time we have butted heads. We have very different views, and instead of respecting my decision, she has to post on how what I am doing is wrong in her eyes. I don't think that is supportive, that is being critical.
I did tell my T to let me do what I need to do at my own pace. He wanted me to give my DH ultimatiums after the holidays. Well I don't believe that I will get the desired results from them. So I am not letting him tell me what to do either.
He did say that I have thought this out, we have discussed it A LOT in therapy about my marriage . He says I have been tormented by this for a long time on what to do, and now he sees me more peaceful with my descison. He said he will allow me to go at my own pace. This will be a long process, I need to get my ducks in a row. My T asked me, so if he wanted to change things, is it too late in your mind? I said yes, I have had enough, and it would take a lot for me to change my mind. The truth is he has hurt me very deeply, my heart is broken in two, and I feel it is beyond repair. It has been almost a year now, I can't take it anymore, I am dying inside.
What yoga poses do you suggest? I have been practicing yoga for only a couple of months, but I do know a lot of the poses, I have a very good instructor. :) I find it to be very healing mentally and physially. I am hooked! :)
Posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 14:33:34
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » one woman cine, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 14:16:47
I have to add, just for my own peace of mind - that just because you and orchid disagree - it does not mean she isn't supportive. I think this important - I think she is just giving you an alternate opinion - she isn't saying how your wrong as a person. & maybe you guys will never agree or never agree on some things - but that's OK too. Just my two cents.
But what poses do I recommend, well the tree pose - it connects you to whatever your feeling, it does for me - the lion, b/c the facial expressions and exaggerated yelling helps release tension - the bow, it helps you stay in the present - but mostly, I think yoga helps you sit with physical unpleasnt sensations which translates into emotional states.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 14:34:15
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » one woman cine, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 14:16:47
Don't need to bother with me anymore, because happyflower doesn't exhist anymore. I don't need to explain myself over and over and try to validate myself. I know I am making the right decision.
I thought this was a support board, I was wrong. Thats all I wanted, I didn't ask "should I leave my DH". I made my decision.
Kinda like getting smacked around, after awhile you have enough of it. Some of you have been wonderful to me, but the few that haven't, who are judgemental and critical is ruining it for the others. It is hard to to accept the judements along with the support of others. I am hurt, and that hurt overpowers the good support I have received. It is just too hard to participate anymore. My hands have been slapped enough. Please don't even bother anymore, I am going to disapear forever. I am now gone. Just allow me to leave with some dignity left.
Posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 14:44:31
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » happyflower, posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 14:33:34
You know, I don't know what I did to warranat this kind of reaction from you, I didn't criticize you, I merely said - I think you both disagree.
I don't don't know what else to say, except I am really kicking myself for posting to you.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 15:35:58
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » one woman cine, posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 14:44:31
> You know, I don't know what I did to warranat this kind of reaction from you, I didn't criticize you, I merely said - I think you both disagree.
>
> I don't don't know what else to say, except I am really kicking myself for posting to you.My post was not directed to you, as you can see your name was not on it. Sorry if you thought it was. Thanks for the yoga advice.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 15:38:05
In reply to Re: I came here for support , not to be critized » one woman cine, posted by one woman cine on December 13, 2005, at 14:44:31
Voce, I would like to respond to your email, but I turned my babble mail off before I saw your email. Please contact Allisonross, for my personal email. Thanks for your support, I really appreciate your thoughts.
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 15:47:30
In reply to I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:56:09
Oh by the way, my marriage was also like yours now.
My DH never phsically assulted me. My marriage has never been like yours.
>
> I think you are in the same state too. I think you really are not capable of all the emotional investment needed for a marriage to work at this state - with your mind full of your T. It really isn't possible to try to work out a marriage fully when your heart is full with another guy. Subconsciously you might be sabotaging your own efforts.You are way off base here. This is extreamly critical and demeaning to say this about me. My mental state has never been like yours. My mind is not full of my T. My heart is not with another guy. I have never been so insulted in my life and for someone who says they are nice. Well if you are being so nice, I hate to see what you say when you aren't nice. I might get a PBC here, but you are very rude and unsupportive and I don't need that from anyone.
> Think about it more, and I think you need to wait atleast until a year after your therapy terminates and you stop seeing your T, to come to a realistic conclusion about your marriage.YOU ARE TELLING ME TO BE REALISTIC? JUDGE YOUR YOUR OWN ACTIONS IN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME ABOUT MY MARRIAGE. I wouldn't be so rude to tell you what I think you realistically should do in your marriage.
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