Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:33:20
In reply to Re: I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 13, 2005, at 5:09:23
> Ok. Ultimately it is your choice and I know it is different for different persons. Plus I had been very conservative about divorce partly because of my country and culture as well. Maybe you wouldn't have the same issues.
I do not want a divorse, I really don't. But I don't want to live in a dead marraige. Life is too short for that . My T and I have gone over and over about me not believeing in divorce. I can't change my DH. It is up to him. So am I suppose to be miserable for what could be a long time for him to change. He won't talk to me, he refused to seek conceling. He won't talk to me about the other women. There is no affection or sex, and compainionship between us. It has been dead for months. I have cried a river of tears, I have not taken this decision lightly. Sometimes I preceive your comments about me, to almost seem like you believe I don't know anything or I don't even think about my situation. Almost like you think I am an airhead or something. Maybe it is your age talking or something or how you are viewing me. I have thought about all of this hours everday, talked about it in therapy. My thoughts have gone back and forth until I have made my final decsion. I feel at peace with my choice because I feel it is right. I can't make someone love me. When I look into my DH eyes, there is NO love there.
My T has said that adults that were abused as child often "take " abuse later in life or think they don't deserve better, they accept the unexceptable. Your DH has physically assulted you, and yet you want to remain with him. I know this is very common, but I think it is due to low self esteem. I know I deserve better, and I refuse to stay in a marriage that is dead. I have tried everything, he has done nothing. I deserve better. It takes a strong women to stand up for herself. I don't need a man to make me complete.
I don't believe we resolve our feelings. Feeling can change, but you can't delibertaly deceide "I am going to resolve my feelings". Feelings are what they are, we can't help what we feel. My feelings about my T are what they are. I can't change the way I feel. I would have the same feeling no matter what shape my marriage is in. My decision about my marriage has nothing to do with my T . I am not leaving my DH to be with my T .
I really believe you are critizing me by saying I am making a hasty decsion. I don't do that, I always think things through. You don't know me very well and your preceptions are off about me. I think you are projecting onto me and I think you have a very negative view of me.
You can say what you want to, you can feel what you want. But for someone to stay in marriage in which their DH has physically assulted you, and not that long ago either, just isn't the right thing to do and it is hard for me to take seriously what you think. I think YOUR thinking is off more than mine because I don't allow myslef to tolerate abuse. So you saying to me that I should stay in my unhappy marrige because he could change. Well I think I deserve better than living on a hope that things will change.
I have a lot of love to give and I deserve to have love returned to me. To me staying in a dead marriage with a slim hope that he might change is in a way almost abusing myself. I don't need that.
poster:happyflower
thread:588054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588632.html