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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
Hi-
this won't make much sense but I'm feeling so on the edge as I write this and crying that I needed to reach out somehow. I am here hoping hoping a friend will get online because I feel i"m falling apart totally------
I've been in therapy for some years- and just now i'm trusting more and disclosing the abuse I suffered (my father), and trying to speak.
but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessness
mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--
and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away- and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-
today i didn't know how to be at work feeling the room was going around in circles and my heart was racing- and I had this knot about to cryToday in my session I spent it entirely on trying not to cry.
and yet I need to cry so badly.
How can I just let go...
This is my fear:
I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me. (A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---
then they asked him if he ever cried and he answered that he had learnt not to-
I saw in his eyes that he was lost inside of him and it broke my heart and made me cry so much and made me feel fortunate to have my T to help me-
and I begged her PLEASE Don't let me get lost like that inside of me.
But I"m so scared that it may happen :-(
I do that----today she told me that a part of me is holding on to all of that and tells me DOn't TEll don't tell-
she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life- My T has proved over and over that I can trust her and that she does care about me- She feels for me. She told me it is natural that I crave for protection and some of what I didn't get as a child and that it is natural to find it too- and to compensate somehow or find ways to feel relief...and I know she does care- I feel fortunate to have found her- that's why I feel I"m missing such a precious chance :-(
My T leaves in Jan for a month. So it's not that I have forever and I feel so hopeless.
I am missing so much precious time and the possibility to connect more with her and to find that relief.I'm so scared.
Is there a way??????
or it's too late?? Am I lost?Thank you
Frida
Posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 8:10:08
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
> Hi- Hi, Frida (sorry, I posted a long message, and it came up with an nm (no message) posting, so have to respond again.
>
> this won't make much senseYour feelings are all valid. They make sense.
but I'm feeling so on the edge as I write this and crying that I needed to reach out somehow. I am here hoping hoping a friend will get online because I feel i"m falling apart totally------
I am sorry. That is a horrible feeling.
>
> I've been in therapy for some years- and just now i'm trusting more and disclosing the abuse I suffered (my father), and trying to speak.Sounds like you are making progress. This is wonderful!
>
> but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessnessThat has to be so scary.
>
> mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--It's hard to get rid of those old tapes in your head. They were put there so long ago.
> and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away-
I think that would be normal. It would be about the fear and trust issues.
and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-
you are fighting wanting to tell/let go but being so afraid, but needing it more than anything. Yes, fighting yourself, is one of the worst things you can do.
> today i didn't know how to be at work feeling the room was going around in circles and my heart was racing- and I had this knot about to cry
Is this a panic attack? Have you spoken to your T about this?
>
> Today in my session I spent it entirely on trying not to cry.
>
> and yet I need to cry so badly.yes you do. Tears are literally healing (as an aside, the chemical components in tears of sadness, are different than the chemical components in tears of joy), so tears are literally healing.
>
> How can I just let go...I wish I could tell you, but that is something that is inside of you, that you have to try to get past. You desperately want to, but you are fighting your fears?
>
> This is my fear:
>
> I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me.How unbelievably sad. Every child has the right to be loved and protected.
(A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---
This is so horrific.
>
> then they asked him if he ever cried and he answered that he had learnt not to-And someday, this sweet little boy will be struggling to heal and feel, just the way you are now.
>
> I saw in his eyes that he was lost inside of him and it broke my heart and made me cry so much and made me feel fortunate to have my T to help me-
> and I begged her PLEASE Don't let me get lost like that inside of me.What was her response? i believe as long as you are with her, and doing the hardest work of your life (perhaps), you can be safe. It is such HARD work, but has wonderful rewards, if you stay with it. You can only go forward, if you choose to.
> But I"m so scared that it may happen :-(
As long as you are aware of that, and keep talking, it probably will not.> I do that----today she told me that a part of me is holding on to all of that and tells me DOn't TEll don't tell-
Yes, those old tapes again; the fear of being punished.
> she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life-Yes, you have a lifetime of grief, sadness and tears to cry and grieve for. It is so important to grieve the past/what you neer had. (I know this, because I have had to grieve a whole lifetime of abuse; a whole lifetime of not being loved, and wanting that)...as we all do, as human beings.
My T has proved over and over that I can trust her and that she does care about me- She feels for me. She told me it is natural that I crave for protection and some of what I didn't get as a child and that it is natural to find it too- and to compensate somehow or find ways to feel relief...and I know she does care- I feel fortunate to have found her- that's why I feel I"m missing such a precious chance :-(
Why do you feel like you are missing a precious chance? You are working on healing right now. Never give up is a good motto to have. If you do the hard work (and it IS probably the hardest work you will ever do, )you can start to heal little by little...baby steps. You cannot undo what was done to you in a short time.
Be gentle with yourself (hard to do, I know), and talk to yourself like you would with that little boy. Talk to your little girl who was so abused, Write in a journal all of your feelings, thoughts and fears.>
My T leaves in Jan for a month.
Will she stay in contact with you? Does she have any alternate ideas for you while she is away?
So it's not that I have forever and I feel so hopeless.
It doesn't sound as if she will leave or abandon you. A good therapist will work with you, as long as it takes. Has she assured you of this?
> I am missing so much precious time and the possibility to connect more with her and to find that relief.
Can you not continue therapy with her, when she returns? Sounds like you are doing good work.
>
> I'm so scared.I know.
>
> Is there a way??????Of course there is. As long as you stay in therapy, you can begin to heal.
> or it's too late??
As long as we are alive, it is never too late.
Am I lost?
No, you are a hurting person, who i struggling.
P.S. I was abused as a child (mother); never knew my father. Had a 31 year abusive marriage, divorced and then voted out of a 31 year church membership. Lived with abuse for a lifetime. There is always hope.
My story was published: www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled; The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
My own website: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems of anguish, healing, comfort and hope).
And so, my dear sweet, new little friend. Perhaps my story might encourage you in your healing process. I've been counseling abused women for the past 10 years (no degree, but a lifetime of experience, and extensive research). you may e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
Perhaps I can help. I'd like to, if I can. I certainly like the sound of your therapist !
Wish I could reach out and give you a hug, and the love you never had. You were an innocent child who deserved love and protection.
I understand about your fear and pain. We all want and need (and deserve) love, protection, acceptance, respect and to be celebrated!
Love, hugs, Ally
>
> Thank you
> Frida
>
Posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 11:34:13
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
I'm so sorry you feel this way, but I do understand.
I used to think that I would have to explode to let it all out, and I didn't know how to, but now I think of maybe being like a balloon, and just a little hole will make the air escape slowly, until I am safe from my fear of what will happen if I let it out all at once.
You identify so w/that child. Maybe you could try writing it all out, how you feel? It doesn't have to even make sense, but you sound like it's so big you can't get a handle on it. It is huge, but maybe you could just take little pieces at a time.
I'm sorry your T will be leaving. That's tough. You just can't put a timetable on this. You may or may not be able to let it out before your T goes, but maybe you could find a back-up/new T to have ready before the other one goes?
hang in there,
antigua
Posted by Tamar on November 4, 2005, at 15:24:32
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
I’m so sorry you feel you’re falling apart. Disclosing abuse is really hard work and very painful.
> but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessness
Yes. I remember that from when I was in therapy. The silent place for me was a place of relief from speaking but the hopelessness seemed to mean that the speaking had to continue at some point, whenever it’s possible again. Be gentle with yourself.
> mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--
> and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away- and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-Have you talked to your T about how to handle day-to-day living? I know that getting it all out can feel as if it’s taking over. But I found it got better as time went by. Once I got a bit more used to talking about things I found my reactions settled down a bit. I hope you find it eases soon.
> How can I just let go...
I think a big part of it is learning to trust your therapist more and more. And the more she responds gently and sensitively, the easier it will become to let yourself go.
> This is my fear:
>
> I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me. (A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---… because the only way you can hold onto the last threads of humanity is by crushing your feelings so tightly that they don’t overwhelm you. Yes. I’m so sorry. I can only begin to imagine how awful it was for you. I think you’re very brave to write about it here. You are clearly a very courageous person.
> she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life-
If you can cry by yourself, you will eventually be able to cry with your T. It will come. Give it time. It takes a long time to build trust for anyone after such terrible experiences. And it sounds as if you are doing everything you can do to build that trust.
> I'm so scared.
>
> Is there a way??????
> or it's too late?? Am I lost?It’s definitely not too late. I can understand why you feel the pressure of time if she’s leaving in January. From what you say, she’s coming back, but I’m sure it will be a long month without her. Have you talked to her about finding support while she is away?
You have come a long way already. Give yourself credit for that. And when you think about how far you have come, I hope you will be able to feel that the connection with your T is solid and she will help you get the rest of the way in your own time, at a pace that is right for you.
Tamar
Posted by Maynerd on November 5, 2005, at 2:04:23
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
You are on the right path, all is not lost, you just have to be patient. As I learned myself while working through my own verbal and physical abuse history, these sort of things take time. It is sort of like peeling an onion, it can only really be done one layer at a time. It took quite a while for me to feel safe enough to open up and trust someone, even today I still find myself being introverted and guarded around people. Letting go is so darn hard, yet wanted so bad. You have things going for you, things that will help make the work easier for you. First, you want to let it go and are willing to work towards it. Second, you have a T who sounds like they really care about you, this is without a doubt something that is very good. Third, you have the love and support of a faceless family right here that care about your well being and peace of mind. I won't lie to you, it is darn hard, but well worth it.
My prayers are definately with you and the little boy, I believe in you both.
Posted by Frida on November 5, 2005, at 15:03:12
In reply to Re: having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Maynerd on November 5, 2005, at 2:04:23
will post later to each ----
thank you, I'm in tears reading.
Thank you...have no words right now.
I want to reply to each of you- need to stop crying ;-) and will post later- k? thank you for reaching out to me.
I'm moved to tears.
love and safety
Frida
Posted by daisym on November 5, 2005, at 20:08:59
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
A wise friend told me that coming apart and melting down allows you to be poured into a new mold and reformed. It feels like a death of sorts...and I suppose it is. It is the death of the big dark secret.
It is so painful and you are very brave to be saying it all outloud and writing it here. I think the need to pull away after telling something is your way of taking care of yourself. The part of you that kept you alive, that made you able to stand it all, is the part that takes over now. I think you have to honor that part, it was so important at one time. Those defenses are not just going to easily go away, nor should they.
And I think as you tell the stories, you feel the feelings. And part of those feelings are distrust, despair and the need to hide all of these bad things from the world. So it makes sense that you pull back inside yourself. Cut yourself some slack.
I don't think you can push this stuff. After two and half years I still go through periods of testing my therapist to see if he can really hear all of this. I pull away, I apologize for crying, I cancel sessions and then I cling to him desperately. There are days I can't work and I wonder why I'm doing any of this.
But -- I think we don't have a choice. So take it slow, tell the stories when you can and talk about why you can't when you can't. And keep writing here. It really helps.
((((Frida)))
Posted by fairywings on November 5, 2005, at 23:51:29
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
Hi frida,
I'm not to the point where you are, so I can't tell you how to do it, but hearing what you said about the little boy, and then what you were thinking, was so incredibly heart wrenching. Would it maybe help to journal what happened between you and your T in sessions, and then journal all of those feelings. It seems like journaling things like you wrote here would open those festering wounds so that you could begin to spill those feelings with your T.
I'm so sorry your T will be gone for a month, that would be so difficult. Seems like there should be another T you could talk to during that time. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know what happens.
fw
Posted by Frida on November 10, 2005, at 18:50:15
In reply to Re: having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning* » Frida, posted by fairywings on November 5, 2005, at 23:51:29
Hi..
Thank you to each of you for reaching out to me-
I wish I could reply to each of you- but I can't stop crying, and I'm a bit lost :-( and I don't have strength left----I read and re-read your replies and it meant a lot to me-
i just feel very scared and hurting- I can't share feelings with my T when I'm there and I feel I'm just getting lost inside of me
My T told me today that this is very serious matter and that we have to hang on tight to the part of me that is trying-
and not to the part of me that keeps playing those tapes/old messages - that I can't keep delaying this---- I do need to let go - I need to cry with her-
TOday i saw her again and the same happened, I shared something, I begged her not to let me get lost inside and if i do get lost to please take me back--
I had tears , I even cried at the door before ringing the bell but with her, I couldn't let go.
I am crying now :-(it's getting so hard not to be able to share feelings and cry with her and to experience it all when I'm back , I don't know what to do.
today i did realize my T is totally committed to our work together and I feel so grateful for that.
She truly cares and I can feel it.but it truly truly hurts not to be able to share and cry with her needing it so so badly
thank you for reaching out to me
love
Frida
Posted by allisonross on November 11, 2005, at 5:15:21
In reply to Re: Thanks to each of you, posted by Frida on November 10, 2005, at 18:50:15
Dearest Frida: Hugs and love to you, sweetie.
If you can't verbalize your feelings to your T, can you write them down, and give them to her?
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Love, Ally
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