Posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
Hi-
this won't make much sense but I'm feeling so on the edge as I write this and crying that I needed to reach out somehow. I am here hoping hoping a friend will get online because I feel i"m falling apart totally------
I've been in therapy for some years- and just now i'm trusting more and disclosing the abuse I suffered (my father), and trying to speak.
but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessness
mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--
and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away- and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-
today i didn't know how to be at work feeling the room was going around in circles and my heart was racing- and I had this knot about to cryToday in my session I spent it entirely on trying not to cry.
and yet I need to cry so badly.
How can I just let go...
This is my fear:
I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me. (A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---
then they asked him if he ever cried and he answered that he had learnt not to-
I saw in his eyes that he was lost inside of him and it broke my heart and made me cry so much and made me feel fortunate to have my T to help me-
and I begged her PLEASE Don't let me get lost like that inside of me.
But I"m so scared that it may happen :-(
I do that----today she told me that a part of me is holding on to all of that and tells me DOn't TEll don't tell-
she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life- My T has proved over and over that I can trust her and that she does care about me- She feels for me. She told me it is natural that I crave for protection and some of what I didn't get as a child and that it is natural to find it too- and to compensate somehow or find ways to feel relief...and I know she does care- I feel fortunate to have found her- that's why I feel I"m missing such a precious chance :-(
My T leaves in Jan for a month. So it's not that I have forever and I feel so hopeless.
I am missing so much precious time and the possibility to connect more with her and to find that relief.I'm so scared.
Is there a way??????
or it's too late?? Am I lost?Thank you
Frida
poster:Frida
thread:575208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/575208.html