Posted by Tamar on November 4, 2005, at 15:24:32
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
I’m so sorry you feel you’re falling apart. Disclosing abuse is really hard work and very painful.
> but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessness
Yes. I remember that from when I was in therapy. The silent place for me was a place of relief from speaking but the hopelessness seemed to mean that the speaking had to continue at some point, whenever it’s possible again. Be gentle with yourself.
> mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--
> and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away- and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-Have you talked to your T about how to handle day-to-day living? I know that getting it all out can feel as if it’s taking over. But I found it got better as time went by. Once I got a bit more used to talking about things I found my reactions settled down a bit. I hope you find it eases soon.
> How can I just let go...
I think a big part of it is learning to trust your therapist more and more. And the more she responds gently and sensitively, the easier it will become to let yourself go.
> This is my fear:
>
> I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me. (A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---… because the only way you can hold onto the last threads of humanity is by crushing your feelings so tightly that they don’t overwhelm you. Yes. I’m so sorry. I can only begin to imagine how awful it was for you. I think you’re very brave to write about it here. You are clearly a very courageous person.
> she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life-
If you can cry by yourself, you will eventually be able to cry with your T. It will come. Give it time. It takes a long time to build trust for anyone after such terrible experiences. And it sounds as if you are doing everything you can do to build that trust.
> I'm so scared.
>
> Is there a way??????
> or it's too late?? Am I lost?It’s definitely not too late. I can understand why you feel the pressure of time if she’s leaving in January. From what you say, she’s coming back, but I’m sure it will be a long month without her. Have you talked to her about finding support while she is away?
You have come a long way already. Give yourself credit for that. And when you think about how far you have come, I hope you will be able to feel that the connection with your T is solid and she will help you get the rest of the way in your own time, at a pace that is right for you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:575208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/575410.html