Posted by daisym on November 5, 2005, at 20:08:59
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
A wise friend told me that coming apart and melting down allows you to be poured into a new mold and reformed. It feels like a death of sorts...and I suppose it is. It is the death of the big dark secret.
It is so painful and you are very brave to be saying it all outloud and writing it here. I think the need to pull away after telling something is your way of taking care of yourself. The part of you that kept you alive, that made you able to stand it all, is the part that takes over now. I think you have to honor that part, it was so important at one time. Those defenses are not just going to easily go away, nor should they.
And I think as you tell the stories, you feel the feelings. And part of those feelings are distrust, despair and the need to hide all of these bad things from the world. So it makes sense that you pull back inside yourself. Cut yourself some slack.
I don't think you can push this stuff. After two and half years I still go through periods of testing my therapist to see if he can really hear all of this. I pull away, I apologize for crying, I cancel sessions and then I cling to him desperately. There are days I can't work and I wonder why I'm doing any of this.
But -- I think we don't have a choice. So take it slow, tell the stories when you can and talk about why you can't when you can't. And keep writing here. It really helps.
((((Frida)))
poster:daisym
thread:575208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/575760.html