Posted by allisonross on November 4, 2005, at 8:10:08
In reply to having such a hard time in T and scared *Warning*, posted by Frida on November 3, 2005, at 22:05:11
> Hi- Hi, Frida (sorry, I posted a long message, and it came up with an nm (no message) posting, so have to respond again.
>
> this won't make much senseYour feelings are all valid. They make sense.
but I'm feeling so on the edge as I write this and crying that I needed to reach out somehow. I am here hoping hoping a friend will get online because I feel i"m falling apart totally------
I am sorry. That is a horrible feeling.
>
> I've been in therapy for some years- and just now i'm trusting more and disclosing the abuse I suffered (my father), and trying to speak.Sounds like you are making progress. This is wonderful!
>
> but a part of me drags me to a place of silence and fear and hopelessnessThat has to be so scary.
>
> mY T was feeling more hopeful because I was finally sharing- even though I kept thinking I was going to be punished--It's hard to get rid of those old tapes in your head. They were put there so long ago.
> and now, after having shared a bit I'm pulling away-
I think that would be normal. It would be about the fear and trust issues.
and i am having such difficulties just letting go and needing it so badly- it is totally interfering EVERYWHERE in my life-
you are fighting wanting to tell/let go but being so afraid, but needing it more than anything. Yes, fighting yourself, is one of the worst things you can do.
> today i didn't know how to be at work feeling the room was going around in circles and my heart was racing- and I had this knot about to cry
Is this a panic attack? Have you spoken to your T about this?
>
> Today in my session I spent it entirely on trying not to cry.
>
> and yet I need to cry so badly.yes you do. Tears are literally healing (as an aside, the chemical components in tears of sadness, are different than the chemical components in tears of joy), so tears are literally healing.
>
> How can I just let go...I wish I could tell you, but that is something that is inside of you, that you have to try to get past. You desperately want to, but you are fighting your fears?
>
> This is my fear:
>
> I saw the other day a little boy who had been abused and someone asked him: Do you ever talk about your feelings? And he answered: No, I learnt to keep them inside of me.How unbelievably sad. Every child has the right to be loved and protected.
(A voice inside of me continued his phrase: because that way you wont be punished even more, because that way the torture will last a little less, because that way he won't see the pain in your eyes and enjoy it even more- because that way you won't be hit more for crying, because that way he won't pee on you for crying, because that way no one can realize the power they have over you and hurt you all over, because that way you avoid realizing that huge huge need inside to be taken care of and rescued somehow...because that way you don't have to feel how unlovable you must have been, because that way you don't have to need anyone ---
This is so horrific.
>
> then they asked him if he ever cried and he answered that he had learnt not to-And someday, this sweet little boy will be struggling to heal and feel, just the way you are now.
>
> I saw in his eyes that he was lost inside of him and it broke my heart and made me cry so much and made me feel fortunate to have my T to help me-
> and I begged her PLEASE Don't let me get lost like that inside of me.What was her response? i believe as long as you are with her, and doing the hardest work of your life (perhaps), you can be safe. It is such HARD work, but has wonderful rewards, if you stay with it. You can only go forward, if you choose to.
> But I"m so scared that it may happen :-(
As long as you are aware of that, and keep talking, it probably will not.> I do that----today she told me that a part of me is holding on to all of that and tells me DOn't TEll don't tell-
Yes, those old tapes again; the fear of being punished.
> she does care and wants me to trust her- and I do trust her much more and she was feeling more hopeful but i'm so scared- I can't let go- I need to cry and let go - and i don't let myself do that, and I feel I'm missing the precious chance to have the relief I ached and cried for all my life-Yes, you have a lifetime of grief, sadness and tears to cry and grieve for. It is so important to grieve the past/what you neer had. (I know this, because I have had to grieve a whole lifetime of abuse; a whole lifetime of not being loved, and wanting that)...as we all do, as human beings.
My T has proved over and over that I can trust her and that she does care about me- She feels for me. She told me it is natural that I crave for protection and some of what I didn't get as a child and that it is natural to find it too- and to compensate somehow or find ways to feel relief...and I know she does care- I feel fortunate to have found her- that's why I feel I"m missing such a precious chance :-(
Why do you feel like you are missing a precious chance? You are working on healing right now. Never give up is a good motto to have. If you do the hard work (and it IS probably the hardest work you will ever do, )you can start to heal little by little...baby steps. You cannot undo what was done to you in a short time.
Be gentle with yourself (hard to do, I know), and talk to yourself like you would with that little boy. Talk to your little girl who was so abused, Write in a journal all of your feelings, thoughts and fears.>
My T leaves in Jan for a month.
Will she stay in contact with you? Does she have any alternate ideas for you while she is away?
So it's not that I have forever and I feel so hopeless.
It doesn't sound as if she will leave or abandon you. A good therapist will work with you, as long as it takes. Has she assured you of this?
> I am missing so much precious time and the possibility to connect more with her and to find that relief.
Can you not continue therapy with her, when she returns? Sounds like you are doing good work.
>
> I'm so scared.I know.
>
> Is there a way??????Of course there is. As long as you stay in therapy, you can begin to heal.
> or it's too late??
As long as we are alive, it is never too late.
Am I lost?
No, you are a hurting person, who i struggling.
P.S. I was abused as a child (mother); never knew my father. Had a 31 year abusive marriage, divorced and then voted out of a 31 year church membership. Lived with abuse for a lifetime. There is always hope.
My story was published: www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled; The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
My own website: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems of anguish, healing, comfort and hope).
And so, my dear sweet, new little friend. Perhaps my story might encourage you in your healing process. I've been counseling abused women for the past 10 years (no degree, but a lifetime of experience, and extensive research). you may e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
Perhaps I can help. I'd like to, if I can. I certainly like the sound of your therapist !
Wish I could reach out and give you a hug, and the love you never had. You were an innocent child who deserved love and protection.
I understand about your fear and pain. We all want and need (and deserve) love, protection, acceptance, respect and to be celebrated!
Love, hugs, Ally
>
> Thank you
> Frida
>
poster:allisonross
thread:575208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/575291.html