![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by cricket on September 12, 2005, at 7:35:03
In reply to Re: self-control, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 3:46:41
(((((((((((Alex))))))))))
I wish I knew what to say.
Maybe just try to be open.
Don't expect anything one way or the other.
Try not to be attached to what happens in there.
Just see what he says.
You have a T who cares even though she may not be an expert.
Keep that knowledge in your pocket while you're there.
And we care too. So remember that too.
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 11:13:00
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on September 12, 2005, at 7:35:03
Posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 11:14:04
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on September 12, 2005, at 7:35:03
What cricket said makes a lot of sense alex. try not to have any notions one way or another, and assume he is just there to help you.
fw
Posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 18:35:32
In reply to self-control, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 3:39:35
Hmmm. Coupla things stood out for me here.
>and its not even about the system anyway...
its about my dad :-(
but that doesn't help me.Oh yes it does, in all kinds of ways. It also will help your T understand why you continue to put yourself through this. It's not about the p-docs and the system per se but what they represent to you. It seems to me that maybe your not being able to get whatever it is you 'really' need from 'them' is actually reinforcing entrenching something much deeper. And maybe, just maybe that is where the anger comes from, a combination of not having that real need met and not being able to get anyone to understand what the real need is. So when you feel either of those two things, bang! you're triggered in a big, big way. I think that even the stuff you said about the way your partner 'lost it' once before at an appointment is an important part of it.
Alex, I am in no way smart or skilled enough to be much help to you here. But you are smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you can take this piece of knowledge and work with it. I know you can.
Posted by Tamar on September 12, 2005, at 18:38:49
In reply to self-control, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 3:39:35
Hi Alex,
I agree with what cricket said.
I also wonder whether it’s possible to decide not to talk about your feelings about the lack of treatment from the service, and focus on the reasons you want/need the service. For one thing, it will probably make it easier for the p-doc to assess you. I imagine it will be difficult… simply being there will probably prompt all the usual emotions. But maybe you could arrange to meet someone after the appointment to get things off your chest. Maybe your therapist, or a good friend? Or come and talk to us at Babble. Then at least if you feel the rage rising to the surface perhaps you’ll be able to say to yourself that you’ll be able to scream and shout about it all in an hour or so.
Can you use any relaxation techniques? Again, it might help a little. Remember to breathe. Don’t speak without thinking through (briefly) what you’re going to say. Count to ten if you have to. Sit on your hands. Whatever it takes.
> but i can't mess this up.
> but how am i not going to?
> and that is the problem.
> and maybe...
> i just am a professional victim.
> because whenever i go
> the past hurts go with me
> and f*ck up the present
> and its not even about the system anyway...
> its about my dad :-(
> but that doesn't help me.I guess if past hurts didn’t go with you and f*ck up the present you probably wouldn’t need the service. Surely that’s the whole point. And maybe it’s best to focus on how you might be able to talk about that, because it might not be easy.
I don’t think you’re a professional victim (I ranted about that phrase in a post to Racer earlier). But of course it’s hard to bite your tongue if you feel angry about being mistreated. On the other hand, there’s something to be said for suspending your anger for an hour if you can. I know you say you don’t know where to put the rage. Can you visualise actually putting it somewhere? Maybe before you leave for your appointment, put it in a drawer in your room, or in a cupboard in the kitchen or something? And then when it starts to build in your appointment, can you visualise taking it and putting it in the same place as the rest of your rage, so that you can pick it up later? It sometimes works for me. Of course, the thing about rage is that it’s explosive. And you will probably have to visualise going back and getting it out of the drawer (or whatever) later on. But if you can keep it together for the duration of the appointment you’ll probably be at your most persuasive.
(((((Alexandra)))))
I hope you get the outcome you’re looking for.
Tamar
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:02:53
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on September 12, 2005, at 7:35:03
> I wish I knew what to say.
I feel like that a lot too
> Maybe just try to be open.
> Don't expect anything one way or the other.
> Try not to be attached to what happens in there
> Just see what he says.Yeah. I'm really going to try. What worries me is that I thought I was really going to try last time too... And things turned out to be fairly horrid. But this time is going to be different. Last time... I knew I wasn't going to get to work with him. He's only around for two months. And... Even though I did go off rather he did handle it really well so I guess its not the end of the world.
> You have a T who cares even though she may not be an expert.
> Keep that knowledge in your pocket while you're there.Yes. That really does mean an awful lot to me.
I think...
I'm going to get / make her a card or something.
Just to let her know that I do appreciate her.
She really is very important to me.
Because she has been there for me.
I should make sure that she knows that.
> And we care too. So remember that too.Yeah. And that means a whole heap to me too.
:-)
Thanks Cricket.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:03:28
In reply to I agree with cricket too. (nm), posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 11:13:00
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:05:54
In reply to Re: self-control, posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 11:14:04
> try not to have any notions one way or another, and assume he is just there to help you.
Yeah.
I really need to try and get into a positive space before I go...
Maybe even write a list of things to make sure I remember before I go...
Last time I saw him...
Was a long time ago.
Years ago.
And I was very different then.
A whole heap more dysfunctional.I want to show him that I HAVE made progress.
And I don't want to keep going round the same old circles...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:10:43
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 18:35:32
> >and its not even about the system anyway...
> its about my dad :-(
> but that doesn't help me.
> Oh yes it does, in all kinds of ways. It also will help your T understand why you continue to put yourself through this. It's not about the p-docs and the system per se but what they represent to you.Thats actually what my t said...
Thats what got me thinking about that.
And she thought it wasn't just about my dad...
Its about everybody..
Because when I was little..
Nobody did a goddamned thing to help me.>And maybe, just maybe that is where the anger comes from, a combination of not having that real need met and not being able to get anyone to understand what the real need is. So when you feel either of those two things, bang! you're triggered in a big, big way.
Yeah, thats right. But I don't seem to be able to stop it... Last time I'd say 'I'm sorry - its not about you, I know its not your fault'. And I knew that and I meant that. But then I'd keep on. And have to say it again. And round and round I'd go. And I was just kind of screaming at myself to shut the hell up and stop it. But just kind of feeling like I was just observing myself going on and on and on...
>I think that even the stuff you said about the way your partner 'lost it' once before at an appointment is an important part of it.
??
Not sure what you mean there.. I hadn't thought of that.. Do you mean about my mother scaring everybody away from me?> Alex, I am in no way smart or skilled enough to be much help to you here.
You are heaps of help.
Really.>But you are smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you can take this piece of knowledge and work with it. I know you can.
I hope so.
I really really hope so.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:21:12
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by Tamar on September 12, 2005, at 18:38:49
> I also wonder whether it’s possible to decide not to talk about your feelings about the lack of treatment from the service, and focus on the reasons you want/need the service.
Oh yes, I do hope it is possible :-)
I can see that it is no good for me to go there. But it is kind of hard. Because the meeting is supposed to be to 'discuss my treatment options' or 'discuss what the service can offer me' or whatever. So... They ask me what I want and I say 'I want therapy'.And then...
They say that they have no experience with treating my dx
Then I say I don't care about that.
And then...
They might bring up that certain past clinicians have said that treatment makes me worse
And then...
I have to be really very careful to not go off about that...
Deep breaths...But: Yeah, you are right. I need to focus on what I want from this point on. Not the past. Forget about the past.
>simply being there will probably prompt all the usual emotions.
Yeah. I can feel myself starting to get tense in the waiting room.
>But maybe you could arrange to meet someone after the appointment to get things off your chest.
Yeah. I can do that.
Actually... Thats a good idea.
I can tell myself that I just have to keep it together for an hour.
If I manage that I'll let myself go off for as long as I need.
And the funny thing about stuff like that... Is that as soon as you actually can go off... You typically don't want to.> Can you use any relaxation techniques? Again, it might help a little.
Yeah. Good idea. Maybe if I start practicing that a little more now during the day... It will be easier for me to take a couple of deep breaths, refocus my attention, and remain in control in the meeting. And I could do a mindfulness exercise in the waiting room too. Something to kill the time and keep me calm.
>Remember to breathe. Don’t speak without thinking through (briefly) what you’re going to say. Count to ten if you have to. Sit on your hands. Whatever it takes.
Yeah. Ask for a minute... Think before speaking.
> I guess if past hurts didn’t go with you and f*ck up the present you probably wouldn’t need the service. Surely that’s the whole point. And maybe it’s best to focus on how you might be able to talk about that, because it might not be easy.Yeah.
Maybe... I could write something too. About this even. Give it to him at the end... I really want this to go well. And if it does go well then he can see how important it was to me. And if it doesn't go well... well then I guess he can at least see how important it was to me that it go well.
> I don’t think you’re a professional victimthanks. i've just heard that one so many times... but it hurts. yeah.
> Can you visualise actually putting it somewhere? Maybe before you leave for your appointment, put it in a drawer in your room, or in a cupboard in the kitchen or something? And then when it starts to build in your appointment, can you visualise taking it and putting it in the same place as the rest of your rage, so that you can pick it up later? It sometimes works for me. Of course, the thing about rage is that it’s explosive. And you will probably have to visualise going back and getting it out of the drawer (or whatever) later on. But if you can keep it together for the duration of the appointment you’ll probably be at your most persuasive.
okay. i'll try that too.
thanks heaps tamar.
Posted by Tamar on September 12, 2005, at 19:43:24
In reply to Re: self-control » Tamar, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:21:12
> And then...
> They say that they have no experience with treating my dx
> Then I say I don't care about that.
> And then...
> They might bring up that certain past clinicians have said that treatment makes me worse
> And then...
> I have to be really very careful to not go off about that...
> Deep breaths...Ah yes. I’m familiar with this kind of experience from when I was pregnant and I wanted to give birth without interventions, despite my high risk status. That led to some tense conversations.
Do you think it might help if you took in some journal articles or book chapters that argue in support of therapy for your diagnosis (assuming you can get your hands on that kind of material)? Even if the p-doc doesn’t agree with the content of the argument in the professional literature, it might help to persuade him when he sees that you’ve taken time to inform yourself. And I assume he can’t entirely ignore what’s published in peer-reviewed journals and suchlike. It might be a kind of antidote to what past clinicians have said about you. It could give you a rational basis from which to argue your case.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 21:18:51
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by Tamar on September 12, 2005, at 19:43:24
> Do you think it might help if you took in some journal articles or book chapters that argue in support of therapy for your diagnosis (assuming you can get your hands on that kind of material)?
They know I need therapy. Their main argument is that they don't have any experience in treating someone with that diagnosis. Most of the literature regarding the effectiveness of therapy for the diagnosis (which is in itself VERY controversial) is therapy conducted by therapists with experience in treating the diagnosis, or at the very least therapists who are being supervised by people who have experience in treating the diagnosis.
Aside from that...
I really haven't been able to find anything...I just say that the only way to get experience is to gain that experience by treating someone.
That some clinicians helped me a great deal regardless of their lack of experience.
That I don't think I want to go the standard way with respect to treatment anyways (with respect to switching in session).
That they are refusing to treat me because they don't have experience but that has the consequence of leaving me by myself to deal with it and surely a little help is better than no help at all.I think...
The last guy listened to some of that...
I said 'it is just a dx anyways. and there is often more variability between peoples with the same dx than there is between peoples of different dx's so saying that you don't have experience treating that dx doesn't really mean a damn to me'.
I think...
He listened.
And that is why I've been given this other appoitment.
To see the supervisor who passed my file onto him.> And I assume he can’t entirely ignore what’s published in peer-reviewed journals and suchlike.
The trouble is...
That the dx is extremely controversial...
There is a line that it is an iatrogenic creation of therapy. Basically... That the dx is therapist created.
So more therapy... Would be expected to make me worse.
And there are peer reviewed articles written on this...It is a load of crap.
And I have written on this.
But... I'm not sure that offering my analysis will help my case at all.
I'm really not sure that it will.
I don't really know...
But I guess I think I have to be a bit careful with respect to what I think. With respect to how much I have thought about it. Not so much later. Not so much once they have gotten to know me. But initially at least.
Posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 22:54:38
In reply to Re: self-control » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:10:43
Key Kiddo,
Okay here goes. A couple of things you said in your reply to me stood out. (Oh I just want to warn you that I'm gonna refer to your 'internal family' if that's okay, alters just seems too cold to me) I'll also ask for your forgiveness now if I'm talking total sh*t.
>But I don't seem to be able to stop it.
>And I was just kind of screaming at myself to shut the hell up and stop it. But just kind of feeling like I was just observing myself going on and on and on .....
Was the screaming inside or out loud? Part of me suspects that it wasn't 'you' Alexandra_k that lost it. I'm wondering that if because as we suspect this is actually old stuff that is being played out, that possibly one of your internal family is actually coming to the fore at the point of triggering. Which would kind of explain the sensation of 'screaming at myself' and 'I was just observing myself'. From the little I understand of DID it is possible that one of your internal family can hold all the responsibilty for a specific emotion and that they will act in an effort to protect you and the entire family when a trigger event is tripped. It's also my understanding that sometimes a member or members of your internal family can take on the characteristics of the 'abuser' but still be trying to protect you in a weird kind of way.
This would kind of fit with the piece you post before about what happened with your partner.
> and it was all because I had a stomach bug
>was throwing up
>and he said he'd get me some pill to take
>to stop the nausea
>and my partner said
>'what good is that going to do when she is just going to throw it up again'
>and if he knew the answer to that that was the time
>but he didn't
>and somehow or other things got worse
>and she stood up and yelled a little
>and he was a small man
>and he felt threatened>and somehow...
>that's my fault.For whatever reason the lines
'and if he knew the answer to that that was the time'
'but he didn't'
Are really key. Really, really important. It seems to me that you needed something to happen there that you'd needed to happen before. The players were different but the scenario was the same, familiar. And so even though it wasn't mum and dad, mum and whoever, it further entrenched something and maybe someone inside has taken on that role of 'aggressor protector', that really stems from mum.And again in another post about the last appointment:
>The trouble is...
>Being at more than one place at a time.
>That's how it feels.
>Or like being in two different places at one time.
>It's like I'm being split between present and some time in the past.
>And I can see this happening
>But I feel like an observer
>Powerless to stop it.And
>...how I feel is just like when I was a little kid and I'm living with my mother and in my room mostly and so f*cking lonely only I don't that's what it is and I'm thinking WHY WON'T SOMEONE F*CKING HELP ME and nobody does and nobody comes.
Your internal family and the way you engage in the world were created for your own protection, to help you survive. The behaviour and reaction is so ingrained and automatic that you are not even probably fully aware of when the change happens. Maybe these reactions are still coming from the ages and places where they were created, maybe they haven't grown and evolved into what is appropriate and effective for Alexandra_k the age you are now, and the way you need and want to function in the world. And they don't know this, they just know you need to be protected, and when they are triggered you ARE actually being pulled between the then and the now. But see this knowledge is the key to change. They are simply trying to protect you. Maybe it is them you need to be talking to before you go in. This is probably going to sound really odd, but I've heard you say to Kerria about how important it is to treat your internal family with respect, so maybe you could hold a meeting and incorporate some of what Tamar was talking about, discuss simple things like who will be there and who won't, who will speak on behalf of the family. Maybe you can all find a safe place to keep the triggering memories for a couple of hours so that you can all stay clearly in the present during the appointment. I'm just talking here. See, if you can contain the triggering memories that's half the battle. You don't want to make them go away cause you need to be able to access them to really work with your therapist, but you all need to be able to work together on ways to put them away when they aren't appropriate/effective.
One thing you really need to be clear about is that you have nothing to be ashamed about - nothing. Things that should never have happened did. And you developed this quite amazing way of surviving. Given the enormous investment that went into it, it's no wonder it is so difficult to not be that way. You should be so very proud of yourself, for you have achieved so very much already. YOU are not to blame.
Your friend,
Damos
Posted by Damos on September 13, 2005, at 0:32:51
In reply to Re: self-control » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 19:10:43
> Thats actually what my t said...
> Thats what got me thinking about that.
> And she thought it wasn't just about my dad...
> Its about everybody..
> Because when I was little..
> Nobody did a goddamned thing to help me.> Yeah, thats right. But I don't seem to be able to stop it... Last time I'd say 'I'm sorry - its not about you, I know its not your fault'. And I knew that and I meant that. But then I'd keep on. And have to say it again. And round and round I'd go. And I was just kind of screaming at myself to shut the hell up and stop it. But just kind of feeling like I was just observing myself going on and on and on...
>
> ??
> Not sure what you mean there.. I hadn't thought of that.. Do you mean about my mother scaring everybody away from me?
>
Damn Alex, damn, damn, damn. It just occurred to me how right your T is. It's just occurred to me that if I put myself in your place, your history. The anger would be at ME. Because I would have blamed myself for everything that happened. I would have been angry at me because way, way deep down inside it would be all my fault, there must have been something wrong with me for everyone/everything to be like this. This would have been my thinking right from the start and everything would have just reinforced that.I'm so sorry Alex. It's not your fault, you're not to blame. Not then, not now. Even if just a little of each of these is true, it's such a big thing.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2005, at 19:48:58
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 13, 2005, at 0:32:51
Hey. You have given me a lot to think about.
I'm not so sure what to say.
I need to have a think...
Posted by Damos on September 13, 2005, at 19:55:50
In reply to Re: self-control » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 13, 2005, at 19:48:58
> Hey. You have given me a lot to think about.
> I'm not so sure what to say.
> I need to have a think...No need to say anything.
Just be kind to and take good care of you.
I'd offer to lend you some additional brain cells, but mine would only slow you down ;-)If you need me to explain what the heck I was thinking, you know where to find me :-)
Posted by kerria on September 13, 2005, at 21:48:22
In reply to self-control, posted by alexandra_k on September 12, 2005, at 3:39:35
(((((((alexandra)))))))
i'm sorry that it's so hard and that you're being triggered.
If he's knowlegeable he will understand about parts and that we can't help it when we're not in control.It's not your fault that you have parts. The best thing is to ignore all the worries the best you can and just reveal together that you like him and want to have him as your T.
staying in the present helps.
love,
kerria
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 19:11:16
In reply to Re: self-control (long) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 12, 2005, at 22:54:38
It took me a while to think about that. There is a lot there... And I have to be a bit careful...
Yeah, it feels like I'm just observing them doing their thing sometimes. Powerless to stop them. But then there is this really hard thing of my having to take responsibility for their actions because they are the actions of my body and that is the way it has to work. So to keep on about 'they said' 'they did' isn't really a very helpful way to think about it sometimes because it is so easy for that to become a way of refusing to take responsibility for something that I have to take responsibility for. But then how on earth am I supposed to describe what is happening? Thats why I try to keep it at the 'I feel as though...' level.
But the meeting... Is a good idea. And so is the contracting. I do have a bit of communication but I don't think it is really up to that... I don't have a 'all hands on deck' call or anything like that. I can't summon them at my whim. Sometimes I don't even know if they are listening or not. Mostly they initiate conversation. Or if I get a lot of mental pictures (kind of like flashbacks or mental pictures of my body doing things when I had a period of missing time) then I can usually initiate conversation to find out what thats about. Sometimes... But it is hard work and it can take a couple days sometimes. And one of them doesn't talk she pretty much just screams. I'm not sure how much she understands what I'm saying to her.
But... Mindfulness exercises might be the way to go there... Try a 'all hands on deck' call and try and get everybody to participate in the exercise. I think thats what my old t thought mindfulness exercises could be about for me... And maybe conversations too... I don't know. Worth a try I guess. But it is hard. Just thinking about doing that frightens me.
I have this box. A little wooden box. My old t gave it to me when she left. She put some little objects in it. A piece of crystal, a piece of turquoise, a bead, a shell. She said it was a mindfulness exercise and I think that was right but it got me thinking... The first thing I thought was that each object was supposed to be a bit of me. Because then I thought there were three others. I thought she meant that I had to learn to take a bit out of the box and just be aware of it for a while. Learn to do that.
But then after she left... I found another one. And I wasn't sure what to do with that. And I wondered about what I was supposed to be anyways... Was I just another piece inside the box, or was I the box?
I hadn't really looked inside the box for a while... But I went to do a mindfulness exercise and... There are more objects in there now. And it frightens me :-( And I still don't know whether I'm the box or what. I tried to pick them up and find out who they belonged to but I couldn't... Everything just felt all broken up and confusing... I went through who had what in the first place but I don't even know whether things are the same there or what. Sometimes I wonder... If they can split. If they can split themselves so where there was one of them before, there can be two of them now. It is like they can multiply and I'm left wondering whether the same one is there with an offshoot or if that one has gone now, properly split into two others and neither of them is the one that was before.
I don't know. It feels so horribly confusing...
And as for playing out the same saga... I think you are right. But its hard. Its hurtful. Its horrible to see that. I guess it is a bit bizzare... My mother was such a force. I feel like she was such a force and I wasn't the only one who was powerless against her. Everybody was. And my father just kind of stood by and never stood up to her. Never stood up for me. I remember running to him and begging him not to let her hit me. And she would come into the room and he would just kind of stand aside. And physically, if it ever came down to that, physically he could have stopped her. But he never did. Not once. But I didn't feel mad at him, I felt sorry for him. And then he left. And I thought he would come back and get me because if anyone knew what she was like it was him. And he knew the sorts of things she would do to me. But to be fair it got a lot worse once he left and maybe he didn't know about any of that. But I thought he would come back for me. He hardly ever saw me. He was supposed to see me once a month. But he wouldn't call... Or something would come up... I saw him maybe once every three or four months...
But I thought he would come back for me. I was about thirteen or fourteen when I realised he wasn't going to. He had never intended to. I ran away and eventually... Was put in a home. He never came to see me there. Not even once.
And it is hard because I feel caught. He could have done something but he didn't. Why not? He didn't care about me. Thats the best I can figure. Yeah he is avoidant. He just wanted to get the hell away from her. But why couldn't he have taken me with him? I don't understand that. And a few years back when one of my p-docs said to him that I felt like he had abandoned me when I was a kid he went off. I did NOT abandon my daughter!' But what else could it be? Of course he did.
And it plays out over and over...
Why won't somebody help me?
Why won't somebody do something?
But of course nobody can now anyway because nobody can rewind time.
And so there are people...
But they are powerless to do anything.
And the rage wouldn't be so bad if it was directed at myself...
But the trouble is that it isn't...
Its directed at people when it isn't their fault.And I just think...
Nobody gives a sh*t.
And they just want to get the hell away from me.And its my own doing.
Because no matter how many years go by
And I don't see her
Its not that the memory fades
Because the memory is in the present
And she is there living inside of me
Hurting and hating everybody.
And of course there is nothing anybody can do.
But knowing that doesn't change my rage
That all the way back there there was something that somebody could have done
And he didn't.
And I will never forget.And I remember all the way back...
When I was a little kid.
Lying there in my bed.
Terrified.
Waiting for her to come in my room and grab me
And haul me out of bed
So she could yell at me and hit me for a bit
For something...
Maybe something was out of place around the house
Maybe I looked at her funny a couple days ago
Maybe one of my teachers phoned her about my skipping class
It didn't matter why
It just mattered that it could happen at any minute
And I had to be prepared.
And I made a vow to myself that I would never forget
I would never forget that
And I haven't forgotten
But look at what I've done
:-(And I just need to forget all this now
I'm sorry.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 20:50:43
In reply to Re: self-control » alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 13, 2005, at 21:48:22
hey there.
thanks for your response.
((((((((kerria)))))))))
(I figured you could use a hug too)
I have been reading that things are pretty hard for you at the moment...
Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say in response...
But things have to get better for us.
Oh yes, they do
:-)
Posted by Damos on September 14, 2005, at 20:59:33
In reply to Re: self-control (long) » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 19:11:16
I've made you feel terribly frightened and scared and hurt you too. Not sure I can forgive myself for that :-(
Please don't do anything that frightens you. Please don't. And please don't be sorry, it's my fault. My help always winds up being just more hurt. I'm sorry :-(
:-(
:-(
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 21:19:46
In reply to I'm sorry........ » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 14, 2005, at 20:59:33
its okay don't beat yourself up i just have to be careful im sorry
Posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 0:31:11
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2005, at 21:19:46
> its okay don't beat yourself up i just have to be careful im sorry
I know you do kiddo, I know you do. Don't be sorry. Feeling your pain, and hurting about having made you re-experience it just reminds me how much I care.
Posted by muffled on September 15, 2005, at 17:34:42
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........ » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 0:31:11
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 17:45:31
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........ » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 0:31:11
thanks
:-)
it does help to know that people care.
i'm okay.
:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2005, at 20:08:53
In reply to Re: I'm sorry........ » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 15, 2005, at 0:31:11
i just wanted you to know... that i really am okay. it is hard. i guess that sometimes i forget how fragile i can be. but it is all there sort of... sort of in the background but stuff keeps coming and going too... and what you said was good. it was pretty much right. and it did get me thinking. and i had been thinking about it a bit at any rate. so it really is okay. and i did think about it for a while and it does seem a little clearer to me now. and i feel pretty much okay about it. because it never really occured to me that i never did feel mad at my father for just standing by. i guess i couldn't afford to be mad at him. if i was mad at him then everybody in my world (both my parents) didn't care for me and that would have been too much to bear. he never actively hurt me. he was pretty kind in many respects. and i guess i just held on to my ideal as something to get me through... and so i said i didn't feel mad at him i felt sorry for him. but maybe part of me did feel mad at him after all its just that i couldn't afford to feel that. i remember feeling sorry for him. i guess so i would behave sympathetically towards him. so i would be bearable for him to have around. so he might... take me with him.
and thats okay. i'm okay with that.
but the therapist thing is hard...
really hard.
i guess my anger comes out now because it is (relatively) safer.
i do worry that people won't work with me if i am too unbearable to be around :-(
and my being angry with them when they haven't done anything has gotta be a pain in the *ss...
but i don't know...
maybe in a funny way it is for my protection.
because the anger has to come out at some point.
and while i am responsible...
and while i know that there isn't anything they can do
and while i know that there isn't anything they could have done
the anger is there.
and if they can't handle that then they need to bow out quickly
because there is no way in the world i want to be left trying to deal with that by myself.
no way
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.