Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 527315

Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Been thinking about the saying....

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45

"Out of sight, out of mind"

I will do my best to try and explain this coherently, but it's very hard for me. It's a difficult topic and my mind is very scattered.

I guess a goal in therapy would be to internalize the therapist, and understand that she still exists even when I'm not there (can't see her), correct? We've been working on this a bit, and she even used that expression before she left for vacation, saying she understands that that's how it feels for me.

The thing is... I almost find it "disturbing" (not sure if that's the right word) to think of her outside of a session. I mean, I want to, but shouldn't that result in happy, warm, safe feelings like how I feel when I am with her? It doesn't for me. It reminds me of how much I want to be with her, how much I miss her, how sad I am, and how much she would be (and would have been) the perfect mom.... and this fantasy of having a mom is something that I just cannot let go of. It hurts!! Then as soon as she's in my mind (invading my mind), I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to know everything about her; every little, silly, crazy detail and fact. I will never know, so why does my mind torture me with these feelings and wantings to know. Can't she be in my mind, or in my heart, without it seeming obsessive? I want to internalize her, I do, but at the same time, it's very, very painful.

I usually call her the day or few days after a session because I am just hurting so much and want that connection again. I usually feel so little and scared and alone, and I am afraid I am going to die because I am too little to be left alone fending for myself; so I call to hear her. I also worry about something happening to her after seeing me. Like I will somehow contaminate her (or worse), or that she will pack up and leave. (Not that this can't happen later in the week, but it just seems higher risk immediately after seeing me, especially since it's so close to the weekend.) Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked. So, it does help to call and hear her, but sometimes I will hang up and just feel sad all over again. Although it also depends on the reason for my call and my state of mind at the time. I'm afraid to tell her this because I'm afraid she'll then say that I can't (or shouldn't) call anymore. I don't want that to happen... At all! Especially since it's been quite a challenge for her to get me to understand that it really IS okay to call. (I still struggle with that!) I don't want to jeopardize that.

It's like, once I recover from the "therapy hangover", I don't want to think or talk about her because it hurts. Yet, at the same time I DO want to because she IS such a wonderful person, and who wouldn't want someone like that on their mind. (Is it even okay to say I love her? A very pure, innocent type of love.)

I also find that that is why I'm not able to participate here so much unless I have a specific problem and am seeking advice or support. It feels unfair to you all. I want to be supportive and participate more, but to read and respond just triggers these bad feelings for me. It doesn't even have to be a triggery topic - just the word therapist, or T, is enough to do it.

Just like when I called her covering colleague, when she was on vacation, to make sure she wasn't in London at the time of the attacks - I felt very sad when I hung up. I couldn't figure out all the sadness. Some of it had to do with her just being away and me worrying. It was also my jealousy of whomever she was with (why couldn't I go with her? why can't I go anywhere with her?) I also felt bad at the realization of her having a life outside of me, and how he knew where she was - information I am not privy to. But I also think very much that it was just plain talking about her that made me sad.

It's not just vacations; I worry week after week, I hurt week after week. I recover, and it's time to see her again. I know you guys understand this and know how hard it is. It's worth it though, right? It will get better? Will there ever be answers to all these "why's", or explanations for all these feelings? I wish it didn't hurt so much, but I'm not giving up... besides, I don't want to leave T. :)

Sorry I rambled so much. I'm also nervous about seeing her tomorrow. Afraid for the cycle to start all over again. But I'm also looking forward to seeing her, very much. :)

Thanks for reading.

~LGL

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » LittleGirlLost

Posted by LadyBug on July 14, 2005, at 0:23:27

In reply to Been thinking about the saying...., posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45

I've been exactly where you are. It hurts!!!!!! You will heal this part of you in time. But it takes a lot of time to trust that you will see her again and she is safe. I had a hard time on the weekends, knowing she wasn't in her office if I needed her.
Internalizing is good because it means you are taking her inside and you can use her in ways that will help you. You can have imaginary talks with her. I think about mine all the time too. And I've been with her for 8 1/2 years!! I call her when I need to feel our connection. She understands, she wants me to need her. But it just feels wrong sometimes to love someone you can't hang out with or be with any other way than therapy. I've been through all the painful stuff it can cause. It is almost like having your heart professionally broken.
Hang in there, it will get better in time. No pain, no gain, my T. would tell me. I'd want to run away!!!!

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying....

Posted by daisym on July 14, 2005, at 2:01:52

In reply to Been thinking about the saying...., posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45

*****I guess a goal in therapy would be to internalize the therapist, and understand that she still exists even when I'm not there (can't see her), correct? We've been working on this a bit, and she even used that expression before she left for vacation, saying she understands that that's how it feels for me.*****

I think this is a goal for some of us who struggle with attachment so much. But it takes a really long time and I don't think she finds it insulting that you can't internalize her yet. It is a developmental stage. I renamed it "therapist- permanence" ala piaget. For me, tangible reminders help with this, like his picture or a voice mail.

****The thing is... I almost find it "disturbing" (not sure if that's the right word) to think of her outside of a session. I mean, I want to, but shouldn't that result in happy, warm, safe feelings like how I feel when I am with her? It doesn't for me. It reminds me of how much I want to be with her, how much I miss her, how sad I am, and how much she would be (and would have been) the perfect mom.... and this fantasy of having a mom is something that I just cannot let go of. It hurts!! Then as soon as she's in my mind (invading my mind), I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to know everything about her; every little, silly, crazy detail and fact. I will never know, so why does my mind torture me with these feelings and wantings to know. Can't she be in my mind, or in my heart, without it seeming obsessive? I want to internalize her, I do, but at the same time, it's very, very painful.*****

When I talk about how painful my attachment is, my therapist will ask, "is there anything that feels good about it?" And we sort of go through those things and we try to work out what longings have been triggered by therapy. I told him once that therapy felt like a tease, because I would never have IRL what I feel with and from him. He said he refuses to believe that, I just have to learn to trust the world more to meet my needs. I think you do too.

****I usually call her the day or few days after a session because I am just hurting so much and want that connection again. I usually feel so little and scared and alone, and I am afraid I am going to die because I am too little to be left alone fending for myself; so I call to hear her. I also worry about something happening to her after seeing me. Like I will somehow contaminate her (or worse), or that she will pack up and leave. (Not that this can't happen later in the week, but it just seems higher risk immediately after seeing me, especially since it's so close to the weekend.) Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked. So, it does help to call and hear her, but sometimes I will hang up and just feel sad all over again. Although it also depends on the reason for my call and my state of mind at the time. I'm afraid to tell her this because I'm afraid she'll then say that I can't (or shouldn't) call anymore. I don't want that to happen... At all! Especially since it's been quite a challenge for her to get me to understand that it really IS okay to call. (I still struggle with that!) I don't want to jeopardize that.****

I feel this way too. Once I went down to my car and literally sat there because I thought, "I don't remember how to drive!" Funny now, but scary at the time. And I'm always worried that he's "had enough" or I shouldn't have told him what I told him. So calling seems critical, to check that out. I sincerely doubt that your therapist would tell you not to call because you admit you miss her. She might try to be creative with you about ways to touch base or for you to hold on to pieces of her. It is worth the risk. Last year when my therapist went on vacation, he worked pretty hard to get me to admit how upset I was about him leaving. It took a few more tries for me to admit that I was scared to death that he wouldn't come back. Or, that he would, but he wouldn't want to keep working with me. But mostly I thought he would disappear and forget me. I was so mortified to admit all of this. But in the last session before he left, he gave me his talisman to hold for him. Inside he had put his picture and he had written,"I'll be back" like a promise. I was so touched and I felt so understood. But more than that, I was amazed that my feelings were so ALLOWED...I didn't have to hide them and by sharing them, the situation was a little easier. I worry all the time that telling him how hard it is for me in-between sessions will make him freak out and push me away. But he never does and he has never said, "come less or call less" or anything like that. So I would encourage you to tell her, if you can.

***It's like, once I recover from the "therapy hangover", I don't want to think or talk about her because it hurts. Yet, at the same time I DO want to because she IS such a wonderful person, and who wouldn't want someone like that on their mind. (Is it even okay to say I love her? A very pure, innocent type of love.)****

It is OK to say you love her. :) I have therapy hangover too. I think it is pretty common. But it is one of the reasons my therapist rarely calls me unless I ask him too, or we've had a rough session and he is worried about something. He doesn't want to "set me off" if I've managed to get into an OK space. Knowing that makes it easier because I don't fantasize that he doesn't care, or has forgotten me the minute I go down the stairs.

***I also find that that is why I'm not able to participate here so much unless I have a specific problem and am seeking advice or support. It feels unfair to you all. I want to be supportive and participate more, but to read and respond just triggers these bad feelings for me. It doesn't even have to be a triggery topic - just the word therapist, or T, is enough to do it.****

I'm sure we've all felt this. Sometimes it is hard to respond or read about a good session when you've had a hard one. Or, equally, it is hard to respond to someone's pain when you are doing well. That is what is so great about there being more than 2 of us! We don't keep score here (boy, I'd be in trouble) -- and we encourage people to take care of themselves by backing off when they need to.

J***ust like when I called her covering colleague, when she was on vacation, to make sure she wasn't in London at the time of the attacks - I felt very sad when I hung up. I couldn't figure out all the sadness. Some of it had to do with her just being away and me worrying. It was also my jealousy of whomever she was with (why couldn't I go with her? why can't I go anywhere with her?) I also felt bad at the realization of her having a life outside of me, and how he knew where she was - information I am not privy to. But I also think very much that it was just plain talking about her that made me sad.****

You missed her. It is OK that you missed her. She is important to you. You've shared some tough stuff with her. And she has triggered off a very young, very needy part of you that wants to cling to her. And she sounds OK with that. I don't know what to say about those darn boundaries. I get bruised these days too, bumping up against them.

****It's not just vacations; I worry week after week, I hurt week after week. I recover, and it's time to see her again. I know you guys understand this and know how hard it is. It's worth it though, right? It will get better? Will there ever be answers to all these "why's", or explanations for all these feelings? I wish it didn't hurt so much, but I'm not giving up... besides, I don't want to leave T. :)****

I hear it is worth it. :) I also hear it gets better. My therapist says it will ease off organically, you can't push it or force it. He believes that essentially I have to walk back through the developmental tasks that I didn't complete as a child. I can point to the things that happen, and sort of explain the "why" to myself. What I can't explain is why my attachment is so BIG and so important...I've been married for 22 years and I never felt like I would die if my husband went away for a week. Or why I feel 9 years old sometimes. I'm glad you don't want to leave. I think the only way out is to work through.

***Sorry I rambled so much. I'm also nervous about seeing her tomorrow. Afraid for the cycle to start all over again. But I'm also looking forward to seeing her, very much. :)****

Crazy making, isn't it? I told my therapist I feel like a nut case. I have so much to say and yet I get in there and words fail me. He responded that I was in the right place for that. :) You didn't ramble, you expressed very well what so many of us struggle with. I hope you have a gentle session with her and begin to reconnect. Let us know how you are doing.

Hugs from me.

Daisy

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » LittleGirlLost

Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2005, at 8:10:12

In reply to Been thinking about the saying...., posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45

It's finally happened for me. My therapist says he's gotten so powerful that he doesn't need to be with me to help me. :) (Because I was scared that I didn't need to call him when I was distressed.) He says that I've got a little part of him inside that helps me get through stuff. I guess he's right.

It doesn't feel like I thought it would, though. It feels a bit lonely.

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » Dinah

Posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 12:49:37

In reply to Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » LittleGirlLost, posted by Dinah on July 14, 2005, at 8:10:12

Don't you think the loneliness is there to push you to seek out "real" people and "real" comfort? I think internalizing your therapist gives us the stability and confidence we need to get through things and reaching out to other people makes us more comfortable, less lonely, as we get through things. I'm reaching the conclusion that experiencing understanding, acceptance and comfort in therapy makes me want it more outside of therapy. Once I get past wanting my therapist to do it all, I think I will (and have) slowly let other people meet some of these needs.

Scares me to death because so far I've tried and failed at this several times. I want to say it is them, but I'm pretty sure it is me. My needs are big and very hard...

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » LittleGirlLost

Posted by All Done on July 15, 2005, at 1:29:19

In reply to Been thinking about the saying...., posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45

LGL,

I understand and can relate to so much of what you say. I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I don't know why now. Maybe therapy has gotten more intense for me recently. Anyway, I figure it's best to talk to my T about it because, while I know I'm moving closer to internalizing him, I can't make much sense of the thoughts I have. How does missing him so much in between sessions help me with anything outside of therapy? I hope once we work through everything (probably over and over again) it will make sense and the translation will come naturally. Until then, it just feels kind of overwhelming, strange, and a bit irritating and intrusive sometimes.

Sorry I can't help more, but I wanted to let you know you surely aren't alone.

I hope you keep posting whenever you feel like you want to.

Take care,
Laurie

 

How was your Appointment?

Posted by Daisym on July 15, 2005, at 12:45:21

In reply to Re: Been thinking about the saying...., posted by daisym on July 14, 2005, at 2:01:52

Just checking in and wondering how it went...

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying....

Posted by Dinah on July 15, 2005, at 17:13:33

In reply to Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » Dinah, posted by Daisym on July 14, 2005, at 12:49:37

> Don't you think the loneliness is there to push you to seek out "real" people and "real" comfort? I think internalizing your therapist gives us the stability and confidence we need to get through things and reaching out to other people makes us more comfortable, less lonely, as we get through things. I'm reaching the conclusion that experiencing understanding, acceptance and comfort in therapy makes me want it more outside of therapy. Once I get past wanting my therapist to do it all, I think I will (and have) slowly let other people meet some of these needs.
>
> Scares me to death because so far I've tried and failed at this several times. I want to say it is them, but I'm pretty sure it is me. My needs are big and very hard...


It doesn't really make me want to seek it outside therapy. I dunno. Maybe I think I'll devour other people with my bottomless pit of need. I don't seem to be really good with casual relationships.

It just seems that since my therapist has ceased to be so important to me, I feel lost and empty. I leave each session realizing he hasn't said anything I haven't heard before, or couldn't tell myself. I rarely feel that held feeling.

I hate it. I want to turn back time.

Maybe I can get along without him just fine. Maybe I've internalized him to that extent.

But it feels rotten and I hate it.

I want to need him like I used to, but I just don't see that happening.

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » Dinah

Posted by Daisym on July 15, 2005, at 18:18:59

In reply to Re: Been thinking about the saying...., posted by Dinah on July 15, 2005, at 17:13:33

Dinah,
You sound so sad. I feel the loss and it makes me remember how I felt when my first child left home, only in reverse. I liked it when he needed me, even if I was proud of him for being so capable and grown-up. It made me feel lonely, and I didn't know where I fit in his life anymore.

I decided today that I was probably never going to learn to lean on other people. I'm not good with relationships where I need stuff from people. I'm only good at the ones where I can give. And right now there is nothing to give. I've withdrawn from nearly all my friends and no one has noticed (this is a good thing) that they never see me in social situations, just at work. And as I've been thinking so much about this, I also think that I need to seriously think about ending therapy. I just don't think it is in me to learn this. I think it is too late to learn how to not be lonely. And it hurts to much to keep trying to not be lonely by using therapy to fill this void. I feel like I'm also using Babble to fill this void too, but lately I'm messing up here too. It is hard not to think about running away from it all, isn't it?

This truth makes me so sad. Sorry, didn't mean to make this about me.

 

Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » Daisym

Posted by Dinah on July 15, 2005, at 18:35:02

In reply to Re: Been thinking about the saying.... » Dinah, posted by Daisym on July 15, 2005, at 18:18:59

Daisy, you aren't messing up here. You're helping a lot of people.

But that's what you do, isn't it?

Don't leave therapy, Daisy. It does change things. Maybe not in the direction you thought it would, but it does change things.

I'm not more unhappy than I was before I started therapy. I'm just more unhappy than I was when I needed my therapist.

Running away from it all is preoccupying me this evening. I thought about calling my therapist, but I just took a Risperdal instead.

I am sad.

 

Re: How was your Appointment? » Daisym

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 18, 2005, at 10:24:21

In reply to How was your Appointment?, posted by Daisym on July 15, 2005, at 12:45:21

> Just checking in and wondering how it went...

Awwww thanks Daisy. I apologize for not writing sooner, but I have problems with my computer at home, so I use my work computer (when I'm here). I also apologize for not responding to the other responses to my "Been thinking of the saying" thread. I just feel emotionally spent. :(

Thanks for thinking of me!

The session went okay.... I ended up approaching it like the professional me; I figured that would happen. I wish the little part of me who felt differently could have spoken. It was a pretty good session, although I was careful not to get too emotionally close. I left there thinking I'd be okay if she went away again right now. <sigh>

How do you let the other part talk? I always stop myself because it wouldn't sound proper, polite, logical... Then I looked down at myself and said, "I'm so worried about appearing proper and I am sitting here holding a doll!" Anyway, a couple of times she asked to speak to this other part, but I always said no. Seriosuly, how does that even happen? I mean, she does receive emails from this little part that I am not aware of sending, but how do I let it talk?

I'm having trouble thinking straight today.

lgl

 

Re: How was your Appointment?

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 21, 2005, at 16:14:35

In reply to How was your Appointment?, posted by Daisym on July 15, 2005, at 12:45:21

I just thought of something else I forgot to mention last week. She said that as long as she is not senile, I can still see her when she's 98!! Whoohooo!! (Though I wonder if that's a good thing!)

It was also a relief in another way. I mentioned here that I am concerned about her age... about 60 or so. I was afraid of the possibility of her retiring. (Afraid to say anything to her though.) Hopefully now that won't be an issue! She works out of her home though, so I think that makes things easier also.

Anyway... It was still cool to hear her say it, "As long as I'm not senile, you can still see me when I'm 98!". Me: "really?" :) Her: "Sure!" YAY!

So, I'm getting ready to go again tonight. Felt weird that I didn't call her this week. Kinda made the week feel longer. Kinda worried that maybe she's forgotten me. But I didn't call because I still felt distant - like she was still away. I know I could have; I chose not to.

~lgl

 

Re: How was your Appointment? » LittleGirlLost

Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2005, at 18:06:07

In reply to Re: How was your Appointment?, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 21, 2005, at 16:14:35

:)

Mine says the same.

I'm glad for you.

 

Re: How was your Appointment? » Dinah

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 22, 2005, at 8:07:14

In reply to Re: How was your Appointment? » LittleGirlLost, posted by Dinah on July 21, 2005, at 18:06:07

> :)
>
> Mine says the same.
>
> I'm glad for you.

Thanks Dinah. :)

 

Re: How was your Appointment?

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 22, 2005, at 8:12:50

In reply to Re: How was your Appointment?, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 21, 2005, at 16:14:35

:) I reminded her again last night that she said I could still see her when she's 98. She said, "Of course. I'd be honored."

She's the best! Ohhh how I miss her today.

Can't wait to go home from work today so I can call her.

We talked last night about why I didn't call last week. She seemed to understand. But today, I can't wait to. I'm sad.

~lgl

 

I'm glad » LittleGirlLost

Posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:28:18

In reply to Re: How was your Appointment?, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 22, 2005, at 8:12:50

that she is back and you've reconnected. It is a double-edge sword, I know. But I "hear" the smile in your post and she sounds just perfect for you. I hope you let yourself need her and let her see that need. It is important.

Did you tell her about calling the other therapist while she was gone?

 

Re: I'm glad » daisym

Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 25, 2005, at 16:05:26

In reply to I'm glad » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on July 24, 2005, at 0:28:18

>>> that she is back and you've reconnected. It is a double-edge sword, I know. But I "hear" the smile in your post and she sounds just perfect for you.

Awww thank you SO much for saying that. :)
I mean, I think she is, but confirmation from an outside source is always nice.
(Especially when friends tried to "warn" me about my last T and I wouldn't listen. Wish I had, but then I never would have met my current T.)

>>>I hope you let yourself need her and let her see that need. It is important.

Can I ask you a serious question? HOW do I do this? I mean, I do need her, but I feel so much like I have to hide it... or that it's a bad thing. Not that she makes me feel that way at all, but I'm afraid to need her, and/or for her to know it. It's probably my faulty wiring. I understand you saying it's important and I wish I can share these feelings with her, but first of all, how? and secondly, how do I do it without feeling worse? I guess as I try to hide it, I can be in denial to a degree, but if it's all out there... ya know?

>>> Did you tell her about calling the other therapist while she was gone?

I sure did!! And she seemed so pleased with me! I think I made more of a big deal about it than she did! Kept asking her if it was okay that I did that and explained why I did. She said I was resourceful... I think you (or someone here) said that about me too. Actually though, he wasn't covering for her. She said she usually asks him, but he was going away for a conference, and since she would only be gone 5 days, she didn't ask him. All that and she STILL said it was okay that I called him... although at that point I felt silly. She was surprised that he was there though because he had been away, fortuantely came back the day I called. I told her that if he didn't answer, I'd worry that he was in London too! So, all in all, I did good. :)

Part of me thinks... Gee, he wasn't even covering, and he knew where she was going, why can't I? Oh, let's not even go there!

~lgl

 

Re: I'm glad » LittleGirlLost

Posted by Daisym on July 25, 2005, at 17:28:39

In reply to Re: I'm glad » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 25, 2005, at 16:05:26

***Can I ask you a serious question? HOW do I do this? I mean, I do need her, but I feel so much like I have to hide it... or that it's a bad thing. Not that she makes me feel that way at all, but I'm afraid to need her, and/or for her to know it. It's probably my faulty wiring. I understand you saying it's important and I wish I can share these feelings with her, but first of all, how? and secondly, how do I do it without feeling worse? I guess as I try to hide it, I can be in denial to a degree, but if it's all out there... ya know?***

I do know. And I'm not sure that I can tell you it won't feel worse sometimes. I think there is a part of me that says "well, I took the risk and told you I need you. And you said great, it is Ok to do that. But even though you know, you still aren't here 24/7..." There is a risk that verbalizing this need will open an expectation on your part. But I think you are clear enough in your thinking that you already know this. And, given the way you struggle with it, like me, probably getting it out there will diminish the struggle. It is an on again/off again battle for me. I think I believe it is OK for him to know I need him, it just still isn't OK that I do, does that make sense? So having him know about this struggle is better than struggling with this AND with not telling him.

How to tell her? My therapist simply helped me begin to verbalize my feelings for him. I'd say something, and he'd say, "you mean about me?" -- like, "I had a tough weekend and felt so alone." He'd say, "you missed me." And I'd nod my head. Or I would say "I struggle with wanting to be here so much, needing therapy this much." And he'll say, "needing me this much..." and I nod my head. I'm really good at head nodding. But hearing him put words to what I didn't say has helped me understand that he already knows I need him, and that it is Ok to say it out loud. It is still very hard sometimes, especially since my feelings are changing and this is confusing -- What do I 'need' him for?

The best part about being able to tell him was that once when I was very upset I sort of quivered at him, "Do you KNOW how important you are to me?! Do you KNOW what it will do to me if you leave me in the middle of all of this?! You need to be very very careful with the power I've given you and please, please don't hurt me." He said he did know and he would never intentionally hurt me. And if he unintentionally hurt me we would work through it and not give up on 'our' relationship. I think I needed to express this before I told him the next round of deep, darker secrets. Sort of like warning him off, but checking in at the same time.

You'll get there. I've been doing this for a little over 2 years and it is still hard for me. I bet if you opened it with I need help telling you how I feel about you and therapy, she would help you.

 

Re: I'm glad » Daisym

Posted by LittleGirlLost on August 2, 2005, at 9:35:45

In reply to Re: I'm glad » LittleGirlLost, posted by Daisym on July 25, 2005, at 17:28:39

Daisy,

I appreciate your response and have been at a loss for words in terms of how to respond. You seem to have an awesome T and are doing some pretty incredible work with him. I hope in time, I am able to verbalize as much as you.

>> The best part about being able to tell him was that once when I was very upset I sort of quivered at him, "Do you KNOW how important you are to me?! Do you KNOW what it will do to me if you leave me in the middle of all of this?! You need to be very very careful with the power I've given you and please, please don't hurt me."

Very powerful!!! How great for you to say that; that's big!

>> He said he did know and he would never intentionally hurt me. And if he unintentionally hurt me we would work through it and not give up on 'our' relationship.

I had to chuckle at this. Our T's are very very similar, as you know. My T said the same thing to me! Said she would never intentionally hurt me, and if she does, she wants me to tell her.
(Hmmm, but you got the extra part about the relationship!)

Anyway, I've been having a really rough time since our last session. In fact, every week since she's been back from vacation has been bad.

~lgl


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