Posted by daisym on July 14, 2005, at 2:01:52
In reply to Been thinking about the saying...., posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45
*****I guess a goal in therapy would be to internalize the therapist, and understand that she still exists even when I'm not there (can't see her), correct? We've been working on this a bit, and she even used that expression before she left for vacation, saying she understands that that's how it feels for me.*****
I think this is a goal for some of us who struggle with attachment so much. But it takes a really long time and I don't think she finds it insulting that you can't internalize her yet. It is a developmental stage. I renamed it "therapist- permanence" ala piaget. For me, tangible reminders help with this, like his picture or a voice mail.
****The thing is... I almost find it "disturbing" (not sure if that's the right word) to think of her outside of a session. I mean, I want to, but shouldn't that result in happy, warm, safe feelings like how I feel when I am with her? It doesn't for me. It reminds me of how much I want to be with her, how much I miss her, how sad I am, and how much she would be (and would have been) the perfect mom.... and this fantasy of having a mom is something that I just cannot let go of. It hurts!! Then as soon as she's in my mind (invading my mind), I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to know everything about her; every little, silly, crazy detail and fact. I will never know, so why does my mind torture me with these feelings and wantings to know. Can't she be in my mind, or in my heart, without it seeming obsessive? I want to internalize her, I do, but at the same time, it's very, very painful.*****
When I talk about how painful my attachment is, my therapist will ask, "is there anything that feels good about it?" And we sort of go through those things and we try to work out what longings have been triggered by therapy. I told him once that therapy felt like a tease, because I would never have IRL what I feel with and from him. He said he refuses to believe that, I just have to learn to trust the world more to meet my needs. I think you do too.
****I usually call her the day or few days after a session because I am just hurting so much and want that connection again. I usually feel so little and scared and alone, and I am afraid I am going to die because I am too little to be left alone fending for myself; so I call to hear her. I also worry about something happening to her after seeing me. Like I will somehow contaminate her (or worse), or that she will pack up and leave. (Not that this can't happen later in the week, but it just seems higher risk immediately after seeing me, especially since it's so close to the weekend.) Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked. So, it does help to call and hear her, but sometimes I will hang up and just feel sad all over again. Although it also depends on the reason for my call and my state of mind at the time. I'm afraid to tell her this because I'm afraid she'll then say that I can't (or shouldn't) call anymore. I don't want that to happen... At all! Especially since it's been quite a challenge for her to get me to understand that it really IS okay to call. (I still struggle with that!) I don't want to jeopardize that.****
I feel this way too. Once I went down to my car and literally sat there because I thought, "I don't remember how to drive!" Funny now, but scary at the time. And I'm always worried that he's "had enough" or I shouldn't have told him what I told him. So calling seems critical, to check that out. I sincerely doubt that your therapist would tell you not to call because you admit you miss her. She might try to be creative with you about ways to touch base or for you to hold on to pieces of her. It is worth the risk. Last year when my therapist went on vacation, he worked pretty hard to get me to admit how upset I was about him leaving. It took a few more tries for me to admit that I was scared to death that he wouldn't come back. Or, that he would, but he wouldn't want to keep working with me. But mostly I thought he would disappear and forget me. I was so mortified to admit all of this. But in the last session before he left, he gave me his talisman to hold for him. Inside he had put his picture and he had written,"I'll be back" like a promise. I was so touched and I felt so understood. But more than that, I was amazed that my feelings were so ALLOWED...I didn't have to hide them and by sharing them, the situation was a little easier. I worry all the time that telling him how hard it is for me in-between sessions will make him freak out and push me away. But he never does and he has never said, "come less or call less" or anything like that. So I would encourage you to tell her, if you can.
***It's like, once I recover from the "therapy hangover", I don't want to think or talk about her because it hurts. Yet, at the same time I DO want to because she IS such a wonderful person, and who wouldn't want someone like that on their mind. (Is it even okay to say I love her? A very pure, innocent type of love.)****
It is OK to say you love her. :) I have therapy hangover too. I think it is pretty common. But it is one of the reasons my therapist rarely calls me unless I ask him too, or we've had a rough session and he is worried about something. He doesn't want to "set me off" if I've managed to get into an OK space. Knowing that makes it easier because I don't fantasize that he doesn't care, or has forgotten me the minute I go down the stairs.
***I also find that that is why I'm not able to participate here so much unless I have a specific problem and am seeking advice or support. It feels unfair to you all. I want to be supportive and participate more, but to read and respond just triggers these bad feelings for me. It doesn't even have to be a triggery topic - just the word therapist, or T, is enough to do it.****
I'm sure we've all felt this. Sometimes it is hard to respond or read about a good session when you've had a hard one. Or, equally, it is hard to respond to someone's pain when you are doing well. That is what is so great about there being more than 2 of us! We don't keep score here (boy, I'd be in trouble) -- and we encourage people to take care of themselves by backing off when they need to.
J***ust like when I called her covering colleague, when she was on vacation, to make sure she wasn't in London at the time of the attacks - I felt very sad when I hung up. I couldn't figure out all the sadness. Some of it had to do with her just being away and me worrying. It was also my jealousy of whomever she was with (why couldn't I go with her? why can't I go anywhere with her?) I also felt bad at the realization of her having a life outside of me, and how he knew where she was - information I am not privy to. But I also think very much that it was just plain talking about her that made me sad.****
You missed her. It is OK that you missed her. She is important to you. You've shared some tough stuff with her. And she has triggered off a very young, very needy part of you that wants to cling to her. And she sounds OK with that. I don't know what to say about those darn boundaries. I get bruised these days too, bumping up against them.
****It's not just vacations; I worry week after week, I hurt week after week. I recover, and it's time to see her again. I know you guys understand this and know how hard it is. It's worth it though, right? It will get better? Will there ever be answers to all these "why's", or explanations for all these feelings? I wish it didn't hurt so much, but I'm not giving up... besides, I don't want to leave T. :)****
I hear it is worth it. :) I also hear it gets better. My therapist says it will ease off organically, you can't push it or force it. He believes that essentially I have to walk back through the developmental tasks that I didn't complete as a child. I can point to the things that happen, and sort of explain the "why" to myself. What I can't explain is why my attachment is so BIG and so important...I've been married for 22 years and I never felt like I would die if my husband went away for a week. Or why I feel 9 years old sometimes. I'm glad you don't want to leave. I think the only way out is to work through.
***Sorry I rambled so much. I'm also nervous about seeing her tomorrow. Afraid for the cycle to start all over again. But I'm also looking forward to seeing her, very much. :)****
Crazy making, isn't it? I told my therapist I feel like a nut case. I have so much to say and yet I get in there and words fail me. He responded that I was in the right place for that. :) You didn't ramble, you expressed very well what so many of us struggle with. I hope you have a gentle session with her and begin to reconnect. Let us know how you are doing.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:527315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527414.html