Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 13, 2005, at 20:52:45
"Out of sight, out of mind"
I will do my best to try and explain this coherently, but it's very hard for me. It's a difficult topic and my mind is very scattered.
I guess a goal in therapy would be to internalize the therapist, and understand that she still exists even when I'm not there (can't see her), correct? We've been working on this a bit, and she even used that expression before she left for vacation, saying she understands that that's how it feels for me.
The thing is... I almost find it "disturbing" (not sure if that's the right word) to think of her outside of a session. I mean, I want to, but shouldn't that result in happy, warm, safe feelings like how I feel when I am with her? It doesn't for me. It reminds me of how much I want to be with her, how much I miss her, how sad I am, and how much she would be (and would have been) the perfect mom.... and this fantasy of having a mom is something that I just cannot let go of. It hurts!! Then as soon as she's in my mind (invading my mind), I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to know everything about her; every little, silly, crazy detail and fact. I will never know, so why does my mind torture me with these feelings and wantings to know. Can't she be in my mind, or in my heart, without it seeming obsessive? I want to internalize her, I do, but at the same time, it's very, very painful.
I usually call her the day or few days after a session because I am just hurting so much and want that connection again. I usually feel so little and scared and alone, and I am afraid I am going to die because I am too little to be left alone fending for myself; so I call to hear her. I also worry about something happening to her after seeing me. Like I will somehow contaminate her (or worse), or that she will pack up and leave. (Not that this can't happen later in the week, but it just seems higher risk immediately after seeing me, especially since it's so close to the weekend.) Anyway, I think I'm getting sidetracked. So, it does help to call and hear her, but sometimes I will hang up and just feel sad all over again. Although it also depends on the reason for my call and my state of mind at the time. I'm afraid to tell her this because I'm afraid she'll then say that I can't (or shouldn't) call anymore. I don't want that to happen... At all! Especially since it's been quite a challenge for her to get me to understand that it really IS okay to call. (I still struggle with that!) I don't want to jeopardize that.
It's like, once I recover from the "therapy hangover", I don't want to think or talk about her because it hurts. Yet, at the same time I DO want to because she IS such a wonderful person, and who wouldn't want someone like that on their mind. (Is it even okay to say I love her? A very pure, innocent type of love.)
I also find that that is why I'm not able to participate here so much unless I have a specific problem and am seeking advice or support. It feels unfair to you all. I want to be supportive and participate more, but to read and respond just triggers these bad feelings for me. It doesn't even have to be a triggery topic - just the word therapist, or T, is enough to do it.
Just like when I called her covering colleague, when she was on vacation, to make sure she wasn't in London at the time of the attacks - I felt very sad when I hung up. I couldn't figure out all the sadness. Some of it had to do with her just being away and me worrying. It was also my jealousy of whomever she was with (why couldn't I go with her? why can't I go anywhere with her?) I also felt bad at the realization of her having a life outside of me, and how he knew where she was - information I am not privy to. But I also think very much that it was just plain talking about her that made me sad.
It's not just vacations; I worry week after week, I hurt week after week. I recover, and it's time to see her again. I know you guys understand this and know how hard it is. It's worth it though, right? It will get better? Will there ever be answers to all these "why's", or explanations for all these feelings? I wish it didn't hurt so much, but I'm not giving up... besides, I don't want to leave T. :)
Sorry I rambled so much. I'm also nervous about seeing her tomorrow. Afraid for the cycle to start all over again. But I'm also looking forward to seeing her, very much. :)
Thanks for reading.
~LGL
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:527315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527315.html