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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Have you ever woken up in the morning, and for some reason the weight of your whole life bears down on you? I guess it's sort of one of those days for me.
I hate that I keep coming here and spouting the same nonsense over and over again, though. I wonder why I do it; Probably b/c there's no one else around who would hear it, aside from my cat, and I think he's sick of me crying into his fur. :-/
Ok, let's get the inevitable out of the way first....I guess today I'm a little angry at my T, for hurting me like this. The one person who is supposed to be able to "take" what you give them, whose supposed to stay with you no matter what you go through, whose supposed to NOT hurt you like everyone else has....what happens when they do what they weren't supposed to? I don't think anyone has ever hurt me or disappointed me or confused me more than she has....How am I supposed to deal with that? Part of me wants to write to her, and tell her how horrible this is for me, and it didn't have to be that way...But why bother, as I'll never know how she'd respond to any of it anyway, and I don't want to chance alienating her further (yeah, like the ability to send her a fluff letter or a Christmas card would make much difference, but I don't want to chance ruining that either). Part of me wants to call my psych and leave a message for her, absolving her of all responsibility of me from now on. I'm not sure why she's stayed in contact with me after the end of the semester, when the rest of my team didn't (most notably my T, as she's the only one of them who even works summers). I hate that I'm so horrible and unbearable to work with that I made my T just cut me off like that. I take some responsiblity, of course, and I wish I had been able to talk it out with her, but at the time I couldn't. Now I think I could, but it's too late. I feel so many things toward her, about how she handled this situation, but none of it matters if I can never know anything for sure, and I can't unless she tells me, which she won't. I wish I could do something, b/c it isn't fair that me and others like me on this board who have had turbulent and painful terminations have to suffer without our T's realizing how much pain they've caused. ...I even think this residential thing isn't going to work out....I don't think I even want to go, if they accept me. I don't think I could handle it. Then again, I'm not sure I can handle anything right now. Waking up in the morning seems too daunting and very undesirable at the moment.
Recently I moved in with my sister and her girlfriend. They purchased a cute house, a fixer-upper, and invited me to stay for a while. I guess having the company is nice, but I feel like I'm in the way and always afraid of doing something wrong. Plus, it's ironically more lonely here, with them. They're cute together, very affectionate and playful, and I wonder if I'll ever be capable of being that way with someone, let alone meeting anyone to try. Living alone I was less lonely....Go figure. :-( And I'm happy for them, but....I feel like the biggest LOSER. My sister is younger than I am, yet she has a decent job, a house, a partner, some prospects. I, on the other hand, have none of those. I don't know how my life got so far off course, I really don't. And I don't know if I can ever get it back on again.
Blah, ok enough whining from me today. I feel like I could pour out all of my insides, but I'm not sure there are enough words in the English language to cover it all, either. I guess I'll go find the cat and get his fur wet a little more.
I wish I could talk to my T.
:-( Ouch.
Hugs, anyone? Please?sv
p.s. I know you all mean well, and I hope this doesn't come off as rude or unappreciative, but please don't suggest seeing another T. I'm not ready for that, I can't do that right now, if ever, so please don't say it. Thank you. :-)
Posted by Tamar on July 10, 2005, at 12:56:15
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
(((((((SV)))))))
I’m sorry you’re hurting. And I’m sorry your cat’s fur is so full of your tears.
I remember feeling quite angry with my T after termination, so I think it’s inevitable even when termination goes well. And your termination was so difficult, no wonder you feel angry.
Do you think it would help if you wrote to her without sending the letter? Then maybe you can get all your feelings out without losing the chance of sending her a Christmas card or whatever.
I hope you don’t call your psych and absolve her of responsibility for you. If she’s still working with you, then I hope you’re finding the support at least a little useful. And I hope you’re able to start looking forward to the residential thing.
I know what you mean about wanting to know how your T feels and what she’s thinking. It seems so unfair that they won’t tell us. It’s so painful.
And it can be tempting to compare ourselves to other people, particularly sisters! But people’s lives take very different courses. I think the best thing you can do to get your life on the course you want is to keep working to get through this. But it’s hard. One day at a time. One hour at a time.
More hugs: (((((((SV)))))))
> p.s. I know you all mean well, and I hope this doesn't come off as rude or unappreciative, but please don't suggest seeing another T. I'm not ready for that, I can't do that right now, if ever, so please don't say it. Thank you. :-)
I think losing a T is like grieving after a bereavement. Some people eventually remarry after losing a spouse, but it takes time to feel ready for a new relationship. I think it’s similar with therapists. I couldn’t imagine seeing a new T now, and I’m sure you can’t imagine it either. If the time comes when you feel ready, you will know. But right now you are still grieving. Right now it’s still about getting through each day. I know it’s hard to believe, but it will get better in time. Until then, I hope you can find plenty of support. You know we’re all here for you.
Tamar
Posted by Shortelise on July 10, 2005, at 12:58:00
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Just take care.
ShortE
Posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2005, at 13:10:58
In reply to ((violet)) » shrinking violet, posted by Shortelise on July 10, 2005, at 12:58:00
Posted by Poet on July 10, 2005, at 13:15:53
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Hi SV,
I wish you could talk to your T, too. I wish you could tell her how much termination has hurt you.
Maybe you should write down everything you are feeling and send it to your T. I know she probably wouldn't respond, but she would still see how hard this is for you.
I have never been terminated, so I have to think of how I felt when someone I thought cared about me left me. I wrote a poem and sent it to the guy I dated (for two years) prior to meeting my husband. He never responded, but I still hope he understood how badly I was hurt.
I don't think you were horrible and unbearable to work with. Everytime I tell my T that I am, she says I'm projecting. You weren't a therapy blurter, you went at the pace you were comfortable going. Looking back and hurting yourself for not being the kind of client you thought your therapist should have is not being fair to yourself. Posters keep reminding me that I need to see myself as others do. So do you.
I can see how hard it would be to live with your sister and see what she has and you don't. I know my older sister would feel the same way about me, though she had that career I covet so badly. Sometimes I think that we have the wrong lives- I would be so happy with hers and vice versa. I'll bet you have many qualities your sister would love to have or be.
I would give you a physical hug if I could. I don't usually allow that, but I will make another (I made one for Daisy) exception for you. If I could, I would hug you tight.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((SV))))))))))))))))))))))
Poet
Posted by jammerlich on July 10, 2005, at 14:44:06
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
SV,
I'm sorry it's been so hard. I think I might understand a little how you're feeling. It's been months and I'm still wondering if the day will *ever* come when I can wake up and my very first thought isn't of her (my ex-T).
And you're SO right. These are the people who aren't supposed to hurt us. I remember mine telling me that she'd never hurt me on purpose. I'd like to tell her she probably shouldn't say that to people. I certainly don't think that hurting me was her ultimate goal or that she wanted to do it, but she knew dumping me the way she did would hurt me and she did it anyway. To me, that's on purpose.
And I would never tell you to see someone else. I'm sick of hearing it myself. Personally, I feel like my ability to trust has been so damaged I might never be able to do it again. So I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to see someone else.
I wish I could sit with you in person and we could just talk until there are no words or tears left. I have four pets who seem awfully patient with soaking up the tears. I'd be happy to share.
Posted by daisym on July 10, 2005, at 19:48:01
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
*****I hate that I keep coming here and spouting the same nonsense over and over again, though. I wonder why I do it; Probably b/c there's no one else around who would hear it, aside from my cat, and I think he's sick of me crying into his fur. :-/ ******
I think we all feel this now and again. I certainly know that I feel like I post the same thing time after time. So no worries with us, OK? It is OK to pour out the hurt here, to write words that someone will see and respond to. Sometimes we all need to be heard one way or another.
Your pain is so raw it is almost tangible. I wish, wish, wish, that I could take it away for you. But I think you are going to have grieve this relationship and let go a little, tiny bit at a time. Perhaps it would help to actively grieve about your loss. I think writing a letter that you don't send is a good start. I also thinking writing out your wish list and then symbolically letting it go, perhaps with a balloon or with smoke that trails away, will help. Each step will bring a tiny bit more closure.
Can you imagine, just for a little while, that you need to take care of yourself like you would a friend? What would you do for a grieving friend? You would take her out, perhaps walk together quietly. You would let her talk, reflectively, angrily or sadly, as much as she needs to. You would make sweet tea, and maybe cupcakes and sit in the sun for a little while. You wouldn't ask her to stop crying until she is ready, but you would encourage her to stick her toe back into life a little. You would gently remind her of her little successes and why she is wonderful just being her.
I think you should try this, maybe just for a week? Pretend you are taking care of me, or Poet, or any of the other babble family here. I can tell from everything you've written that you are a caring, kind person. You didn't deserve this experience, and you didn't do anything wrong. Please don't beat yourself up over the "if only" thoughts that fly around and make us crazy.
Let go...just a little...we'll help you...it won't be easy...but with time, you'll see...the healing will begin. One of my favorite quotes is: "it is always darkest just before dawn" -- you are in the dark spot, dawn is coming and with it comes a new day.
(((SV)))
Posted by pinkeye on July 10, 2005, at 22:02:47
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
((SV))
It is definitely ok to write here as much as you need about this issue or any issue.. that is what babble is for.take care.. take really really good care of you.. you didn't deserve this.. lot of people are like you and their therapists handle them very very well.. I am pretty sure your therapist couldn't handle her issues and thought it best to terminate you - which is of course wrong move on her part.. but, even God makes wrong moves several times.. he takes away people closest to us, let innocent kids go through horrible cruelites, so after all, your T is just a human. And she failed big time, and isn't realizing it or doesn't have the strength to acknowledge her mistakes to you.. But that is her mistake - not yours.
For me, acknowledging that was a major part in moving on - that my ex T did a huge mistake in terminating me like that. Maybe he had his good reasons, but what it put me through was horrible.. and what your T putting you through is also horrible. You have to acknowledge that - that the huge part of the responsibility lies in your T's shoulder too. SEnding her a letter might even help close it for you. It did for me.. I wrote him an angry letter, telling him everything. And it really helped.
Posted by Jazzed on July 11, 2005, at 6:31:40
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
I'm so sorry you're feeling so horrible SV. I just can't imagine all that you're going through. I think the suggestion of writing the letter, whether you send it or not, was a good one. It might be cathartic, and then again, you might decide to send it.
I'm glad that you are able to post and express yourself, that's what babble is all about. I"m glad you have your kitty for comfort, and I wish it was more comfortable living with your sister and her partner.
Please hang in there with your p-doc. You need them now.
(((((hugs))))
Jazzy
Posted by jammerlich on July 12, 2005, at 19:03:03
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Posted by happyflower on July 13, 2005, at 4:17:30
In reply to pain, continued, posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Hi Sv! I am so sorry I got to your post so late, I haven't been around this site much lately. But I hope you are doing better.
You I know what you mean about being around people in love especially when you don't have that feeling at the moment. When I am having problems with my DH, I see all these happy people holding hands, kissing, and haveing a great time together, it makes a person kind of sad.
But I am sure your cat still loves you and you can keep each other warm and I am sure it isn't getting sick of your cying. You can always count on your pets for comfort. No matter how much I yell at the dog, he still wags his tail and is happy to see me when I come home. Hang in there, SV! ((((((((SV)))))))))
This is the end of the thread.
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