Posted by shrinking violet on July 10, 2005, at 11:55:38
Have you ever woken up in the morning, and for some reason the weight of your whole life bears down on you? I guess it's sort of one of those days for me.
I hate that I keep coming here and spouting the same nonsense over and over again, though. I wonder why I do it; Probably b/c there's no one else around who would hear it, aside from my cat, and I think he's sick of me crying into his fur. :-/
Ok, let's get the inevitable out of the way first....I guess today I'm a little angry at my T, for hurting me like this. The one person who is supposed to be able to "take" what you give them, whose supposed to stay with you no matter what you go through, whose supposed to NOT hurt you like everyone else has....what happens when they do what they weren't supposed to? I don't think anyone has ever hurt me or disappointed me or confused me more than she has....How am I supposed to deal with that? Part of me wants to write to her, and tell her how horrible this is for me, and it didn't have to be that way...But why bother, as I'll never know how she'd respond to any of it anyway, and I don't want to chance alienating her further (yeah, like the ability to send her a fluff letter or a Christmas card would make much difference, but I don't want to chance ruining that either). Part of me wants to call my psych and leave a message for her, absolving her of all responsibility of me from now on. I'm not sure why she's stayed in contact with me after the end of the semester, when the rest of my team didn't (most notably my T, as she's the only one of them who even works summers). I hate that I'm so horrible and unbearable to work with that I made my T just cut me off like that. I take some responsiblity, of course, and I wish I had been able to talk it out with her, but at the time I couldn't. Now I think I could, but it's too late. I feel so many things toward her, about how she handled this situation, but none of it matters if I can never know anything for sure, and I can't unless she tells me, which she won't. I wish I could do something, b/c it isn't fair that me and others like me on this board who have had turbulent and painful terminations have to suffer without our T's realizing how much pain they've caused. ...I even think this residential thing isn't going to work out....I don't think I even want to go, if they accept me. I don't think I could handle it. Then again, I'm not sure I can handle anything right now. Waking up in the morning seems too daunting and very undesirable at the moment.
Recently I moved in with my sister and her girlfriend. They purchased a cute house, a fixer-upper, and invited me to stay for a while. I guess having the company is nice, but I feel like I'm in the way and always afraid of doing something wrong. Plus, it's ironically more lonely here, with them. They're cute together, very affectionate and playful, and I wonder if I'll ever be capable of being that way with someone, let alone meeting anyone to try. Living alone I was less lonely....Go figure. :-( And I'm happy for them, but....I feel like the biggest LOSER. My sister is younger than I am, yet she has a decent job, a house, a partner, some prospects. I, on the other hand, have none of those. I don't know how my life got so far off course, I really don't. And I don't know if I can ever get it back on again.
Blah, ok enough whining from me today. I feel like I could pour out all of my insides, but I'm not sure there are enough words in the English language to cover it all, either. I guess I'll go find the cat and get his fur wet a little more.
I wish I could talk to my T.
:-( Ouch.
Hugs, anyone? Please?sv
p.s. I know you all mean well, and I hope this doesn't come off as rude or unappreciative, but please don't suggest seeing another T. I'm not ready for that, I can't do that right now, if ever, so please don't say it. Thank you. :-)
poster:shrinking violet
thread:525756
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/525756.html