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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
As some of you know, I've been struggling in therapy for 3 years now. For the last few months I thought I was making progress, opening up a bit more, feeling more consistently positive towards my therapist.
But then starting yesterday, all the old feelings came back. I can't go. I can't stand to be there. I want to slice all my skin off.
The fantasy running through my head all day and night is that I call his voicemail, say "This is ____ and I decided I'm not coming back. Thank you. Bye." And then I terminate my cell phone service so he can't call me back.
I know that some of you struggle with dependence and want to pull back because of that. This is not that at all.
I know that some of you struggle with not feeling supported by your therapist and sometimes want to quit because of that. This is also not that.
In fact, this has nothing to do with my therapist. This is about the fact that I hate myself so much, that I find myself so completely repulsive that I cannot stand the thought of any other person having to look at me, having to hear my voice, having to be in my presence.
To do therapy you have to be able to stand the attention of another human being and I cannot.
Has anyone ever felt like this?
I know that after 3 years I owe him more than that voice mail message (and luckily he's on vacation or I surely would have left it yesterday) but I just can't stand the thought of him having to see me one more time.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2005, at 7:26:35
In reply to Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
Maybe it is about progress. I don't know how your relationship with your t is going. If it is going well then maybe these feelings are coming up strong because you have come to feel attached and so you have come to really care about how your therapist thinks of you.
I mean... If I don't care so much about someone then sometimes what they think of me isn't so very important. When I care about someone then things are a bit different though. They have a lot of power in the sense that they can really hurt me if they don't think well / kindly of me.
> In fact, this has nothing to do with my therapist. This is about the fact that I hate myself so much, that I find myself so completely repulsive that I cannot stand the thought of any other person having to look at me, having to hear my voice, having to be in my presence.
Is is about that or is it about fear that your therapist does / will find you repulsive and not want to have to look at you, hear your voice, and be in your presence?
> To do therapy you have to be able to stand the attention of another human being and I cannot.
Yeah. I remember that feeling really well. Thats why I can't look at therapists. I sort of can to start with (when I don't really care what they think of me) but when I start to feel attached to them and really care about what they think of me then things are different. I can't look at them. I guess it is because I'm afraid that I will see revulsion / disgust and that would destroy me. I'm so very afraid of that. I can't look. I just can't.
Because thats what I see when I look at / think about myself sometimes. And my biggest fear is that that is true. That that is what I am really like. Not so much to the passing stranger, but to the person who really sees me.
Posted by annierose on July 7, 2005, at 7:27:25
In reply to Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
You know what I'm going to say ... have you ever told your T you feel that way?
I suspect that a part of you feels so uncomfortable in therapy because he does give you all this individual attention. It can be so irritating to be the center of such focus .. I hate it sometimes too. But if you can stick with how you feel, and tell him, you will reap such rewards IRL in other relationships.
And ... he is on vacation. Maybe, a part of you isn't happy about that either.
Just my initial thoughts. I hope you stick it out.
Annierose
Posted by pinkeye on July 7, 2005, at 10:02:39
In reply to Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
Self dislike is what is the hardest to overcome.
I also have the same problem, but my issues are different..
I have found that nothing really helps me overcome this self dislike, other than somehow connect more with God and pray etc.. If you can combine that with therapy it would perhaps help you over come your problems little easily. I have now started believing very strongly that some form of meditation and a moderate religious involvement is very essential to mental well being.. (my opinion only of course, but I have also seen it being prescribed in many of the psychological books). (You might know how bad I felt about my ex T... the only thing that calmed my mind a little bit is meditation everyday and prayers, which I have started doing only very recently regularly)
Posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 10:07:57
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2005, at 7:26:35
>
> Is is about that or is it about fear that your therapist does / will find you repulsive and not want to have to look at you, hear your voice, and be in your presence?
> >
> Because thats what I see when I look at / think about myself sometimes. And my biggest fear is that that is true. That that is what I am really like. Not so much to the passing stranger, but to the person who really sees me.
>
Yeah, that's it exactly :(He's the only person who's ever tried to see me. So I think that he must see what I see and what I see is repulsive and horrible.
The only gift I can give him, the only way I can pay him back for everything he's tried to do is to relieve him of my presence.
I hope that this passes before I am in danger of actually making that phone call.
Posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 10:17:21
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » cricket, posted by annierose on July 7, 2005, at 7:27:25
Well I did tell him once that it was hardest to come to therapy when I was feeling really bad about myself.
He looked a bit surprised, this was towards the beginning of therapy, but then he said that it made him realize that I really never had any positive attention of any kind.
But for a while, we haven't talked about it. I've just been struggling through. Sitting in silence a good deal of the time but at least not leaving with a strong desire to SI.
I don't know about the vacation. Right now I just want him to stay gone for as long as it takes me to ride this out.
Posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 12:12:39
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » cricket, posted by pinkeye on July 7, 2005, at 10:02:39
Pinkeye,
I absolutely agree. I do have a religious/meditation practice. Some days it is the only thing that gets me through.
I'm glad that you've discovered the comfort of that too.
Posted by Tamar on July 7, 2005, at 18:34:36
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 10:07:57
> He's the only person who's ever tried to see me. So I think that he must see what I see and what I see is repulsive and horrible.
I’m familiar with the fear that my therapist would see me as the repulsive and disgusting person I really am. But I’ll never forget how astonished I was when I began to talk about it: how he showed absolutely no sign of finding me disgusting. At first I thought he’d missed it, or that he didn’t understand quite how thoroughly abhorrent I am, but it eventually became apparent that he wasn’t repulsed by me. Unbelievable! And such a relief.
> The only gift I can give him, the only way I can pay him back for everything he's tried to do is to relieve him of my presence.
On the other hand… I’m not sure that he’d see your withdrawal as a gift. Maybe the gift you can give him is to keep going, and try to tell him how you’re really feeling. Easier said than done, I know.
> I hope that this passes before I am in danger of actually making that phone call.
I hope so too.
Tamar
Posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2005, at 18:54:47
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 10:07:57
Ah, so it is about progress :-)
Sometimes progress can look like a bit of a step back, but it isn't.
If you can work through this then the gains could be enormous.
Because imagine what it would be like for you to feel like he really does see you. He really does. And that he doesn't find you disgusting. He likes you as a person and he still wants to help you. That could be so healing. But if you walk away now then you won't be giving him the chance to show you that. I know it can be really terrifying. Really. But it seems to me like you are becoming really well positioned to learn about trust and learn that you aren't the way you fear yourself to be. Nothing risked nothing gained. But that being said... tiny steps.I get this rationally...
But that does't help so very much :-(> The only gift I can give him, the only way I can pay him back for everything he's tried to do is to relieve him of my presence.
No. Then he'll be thinking 'what did I do?' 'Didn't she like me?' 'she must think I'm repulsive and couldn't stand to be with me' maybe even ;-)
> I hope that this passes before I am in danger of actually making that phone call.Me too.
Do you think...
You could give him the first post you wrote to the thread?
Then he'll know how much of a big issue this is for you.
Posted by cricket on July 8, 2005, at 11:42:16
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » cricket, posted by Tamar on July 7, 2005, at 18:34:36
> > He's the only person who's ever tried to see me. So I think that he must see what I see and what I see is repulsive and horrible.
>
> I’m familiar with the fear that my therapist would see me as the repulsive and disgusting person I really am. But I’ll never forget how astonished I was when I began to talk about it: how he showed absolutely no sign of finding me disgusting. At first I thought he’d missed it, or that he didn’t understand quite how thoroughly abhorrent I am, but it eventually became apparent that he wasn’t repulsed by me. Unbelievable! And such a relief.
>
> > The only gift I can give him, the only way I can pay him back for everything he's tried to do is to relieve him of my presence.
>
> On the other hand… I’m not sure that he’d see your withdrawal as a gift. Maybe the gift you can give him is to keep going, and try to tell him how you’re really feeling. Easier said than done, I know.
>
> > I hope that this passes before I am in danger of actually making that phone call.
>
> I hope so too.
>
> Tamar
>
>
>
Thanks Tamar. It's good to know someone has been there before and managed to fight through this.
Posted by cricket on July 8, 2005, at 11:52:19
In reply to Re: Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy » cricket, posted by alexandra_k on July 7, 2005, at 18:54:47
> > The only gift I can give him, the only way I can pay him back for everything he's tried to do is to relieve him of my presence.
>
> No. Then he'll be thinking 'what did I do?' 'Didn't she like me?' 'she must think I'm repulsive and couldn't stand to be with me' maybe even ;-)
>
Thanks Alexandra. You actually made me smile. I'm feeling a little better, withdrawn and headachy but not so self-destructive.I hope I can share some of what I feel with him. It's never easy and his first week back from vacation is difficult under any circumstances.
But the one thing that I've learned about therapy is that I can never predict how it's going to go.
Posted by kerria on July 12, 2005, at 10:23:54
In reply to Again I feel like I can't go back to therapy, posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
Hi Cricket,
i'm sorry that you feel so negatively about yourself and struggle with that also.
It's easy to feel that way if you were in an a. environment growing up- and i know that it's possible to internalize the body of negative thoughts about myself. i have parts like that. It's important to know that it's not true. Please don't stop going to therapy because isn't that the whole reason you're going- to have a truer and better way to view yourself? The views we have are colored by events that should never have happened. They're mistaken views because of mistaken events and we're struggling to stop thinking that way about ourselves so we can live and not let the jerks win.
Identity is so hard to find but it's not the terrible person that we think sometimes- that can't be true.
((((((((cricket)))))))) safe hugs
i hope that the bad feelings passed and you were able to get to see T.
Take care,
kerria
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