Posted by cricket on July 7, 2005, at 6:52:14
As some of you know, I've been struggling in therapy for 3 years now. For the last few months I thought I was making progress, opening up a bit more, feeling more consistently positive towards my therapist.
But then starting yesterday, all the old feelings came back. I can't go. I can't stand to be there. I want to slice all my skin off.
The fantasy running through my head all day and night is that I call his voicemail, say "This is ____ and I decided I'm not coming back. Thank you. Bye." And then I terminate my cell phone service so he can't call me back.
I know that some of you struggle with dependence and want to pull back because of that. This is not that at all.
I know that some of you struggle with not feeling supported by your therapist and sometimes want to quit because of that. This is also not that.
In fact, this has nothing to do with my therapist. This is about the fact that I hate myself so much, that I find myself so completely repulsive that I cannot stand the thought of any other person having to look at me, having to hear my voice, having to be in my presence.
To do therapy you have to be able to stand the attention of another human being and I cannot.
Has anyone ever felt like this?
I know that after 3 years I owe him more than that voice mail message (and luckily he's on vacation or I surely would have left it yesterday) but I just can't stand the thought of him having to see me one more time.
poster:cricket
thread:524514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/524514.html