![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 30 to 54 of 72. Go back in thread:
Posted by JenStar on May 12, 2005, at 23:33:47
In reply to One more question for all of you **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 12, 2005, at 17:22:54
Pinkeye, it sounds like you are very conflicted. You're caught in two worlds -- one that demands that a woman serve a man, and be subservient to him; if she succeeds at being a good wife/caretaker/etc. then she is a "good woman." And then you're also here in the Western culture that says a good "person" is someone who is successful, has a good job, is smart, is attractive, etc. And you're torn, because you have a foot in either world. You're working at a good job (as you said) and are recognized for your achievements. And then you're married to a man who wants the subserviant wife, although he's probably also proud that you do so well, because that is valued here too. So it's hard for you to determine what is best.
But you're not happy being a servant. Being a "good woman" to ME means that you're a strong woman, a powerful woman who knows her mind and gets respect from people. She's a woman who is kind and nice and friendly, but doesn't get trampled upon. She's attractive in spirit regardless of her physical looks. It means being a good mother, if you're a mother; a good sister or daughter; a good wife. It's a person who recognizes her femininity and uses it appropriately. Although defining "good wife" is going to be different to everyone!
I think a good woman is a good person. It does NOT mean that you have to do everything your husband says, or everything that the alpha males in your family say. It does NOT mean being meek.
But I understand that it is different in many parts of India. If you go back there, would it be even more difficult to be the strong independent woman?
JenSTar
Posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 5:00:20
In reply to Can I ask you all something? **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 12, 2005, at 17:04:21
I don’t often think of myself as a woman. Sometimes I think of myself as being a bit like a child, and sometimes I think of myself as a person (gender neutral). I only think of myself as a woman when I’m thinking politically.
I think the question of what it means to be a woman, and particularly what it means to be a *good* woman, is very loaded. The idea of ‘woman’ is often very sexualized, and imagined only in relation to ‘man’. The words ‘man’ and ‘person’ are often interchangeable, whereas a woman is by definition not a man. It is the differences from men that make us women.
So to be a good person is quite gender neutral, whereas to be a good woman often means that one has to be good within particular gendered categories: specifically those categories that focus on the differences between women and men.
The most obvious category is sexual behaviour. For example, Western society tolerates more promiscuity from men than from women. Men are routinely characterized as red-blooded creatures who *need* sex and are always ready for it; women aren’t perceived as needing sex in the same way. In fact, if a woman behaves in a way that suggests she needs sex, she is often castigated. The most extreme example is prostitution. Prostitutes use sex to fulfil an economic need, rather than a sexual need, but are characterized as bad, wicked women because of their sexual promiscuity.
All this, in fact, bears no relation to reality. In fact, men do not need sex more than women, and many prostitutes are kind, compassionate people.
Being a good woman often means being unlike a man: being sexually restrained, and displaying other characteristics that are considered to be feminine: meekness, gentleness, agreeableness, and so on. Displays of qualities that are considered masculine are discouraged in women (aggressiveness, competitiveness, ambition).
It’s subtle, but it’s there. And I don’t like it much. I would rather be a good person than a good woman. I think it’s very difficult for men to respect women as long as they expect us to be fundamentally unlike them. And if they don’t respect us, it’s harder for us to respect ourselves.
Sorry, this turned into a rant. I imagine many people will disagree with me, and that’s OK; it’s just an opinion. I guess I just wanted to say that being a good woman doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness, whereas being a good person is its own reward.
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 8:26:34
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 5:00:20
okay (deep breath in for me)...
No, I don't respect myself as much as I should. I was raised inconsistently, like you. One minute I was told that I need to study hard and do well in school and be successful; the next minute I was told that men don't like smart women. The way you wrote your post really hit home for me.
And I do feel that when I am depressed, I put myself down more, and I treat myself badly. And I think that on a primal level, my SO responded to that and started to view me as somehow less than him and started treating me accordingly. Instead of dealing with his own issues and anger, he started taking them out on me- much the same way I take my angers and frustrations out on myself.
But, when I am not depressed, I am strong and refuse to be treated that way. And I was no longer depressed when my SO strangled me in that hotel room. He took things WAY too far- violence is MUCH different than yelling (mostly in that it is concrete proof of disrespect). Now we will go to anger management, pinkeye. I need to learn to be more assertive and speak up when I am angry- not stuff it all inside until I become depressed and start treating myself badly. And he needs to learn to express his anger in acceptable ways. Violence is not an acceptable way. Neither is putting someone else down (berating them, treating them like a second class citizen, et cetera).
And at the same time, I am going back into therapy for myself to learn to treat myself better and not present a doormat to the world for all and sundry to walk upon whenever they feel like it.
So, yes, I understand you when you say that part of your marital issues are how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself to your husband. BUT, you do not have the power to go into your husband's brain, send brainwaves to his arms and fists, in order for them to hurt you. Only HE has that power. And it is a power of primates; sorry if I am going to speak poorly of your Indian town, but it is NEVER okay for men to regress to primative thinking. The human race is too evolved to allow that type of regression. It is a profanity.
Sorry I couldn't get online last night- I tried, but with dial-up, and going through my company's servers, I couldn't get into the separate posts... it kept crashing my laptop.
I have presented a somewhat different point of view from the others now, though.
Can you see that it's still not okay for your husband to hurt you?
My experience with my SO has been of short duration- I nipped it in the bud by leaving our shared house and demanding therapy if there is to be a future for us.
Yours has been of much longer duration and your husband is a cult follower, my SO is not. Your husband's cult allows (probably expects) this type of violent behavior. In my opinion, unless your husband leaves this cult and enters therapy with you, you need to leave him.
Your very life may depend upon it. And then it won't matter that you haven't figured out what you want in life because you won't have one anymore. Yes, you may feel young and immature. But you have many years in front of you to grow up and grow wise IF you give yourself the chance.
I fear that for you to stay with him will remove your chance to grow and become your own person.
That is my opinion. But I think you know this. Even when you mention that you don't think you'd go back to India if it was your own father dying, you mention that there is something inside you that knows it would be inherently wrong to do that. You DO know the answer. You are afraid. And that is okay. Everyone has to do things they are afraid of. Be brave for yourself. No one else can do it for you- although a shelter can help you if you need time to get yourself back on your feet, financially, before you can live alone.
Will you talk to your T about all of this? I know that all of our different posts have scared you and confused you. Can you print them all and go through them with your T? Let T help you figure it all out, okay?
Praying for you,
sunny10
Posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:27:09
In reply to I think I have some serious issues **trigger**, posted by pinkeye on May 12, 2005, at 13:57:43
Let me ask you,
1. do you think that moving to india will make your husband treat you better?
2. would you have as much or more emotional support (family/friends) over there.
3. if you were to leave your husband, where would you be better off doing this, states or india?these questions came into my mind as i was reading your statement.
and no matter what you or others may tell you, i don't care if you provoked him to all get out- that still does not give him the right to hurt you in ANY way. what you described is most definately domestic violence and should not be tolerated.(family illness or no).please be safe and where you have the most emotional support.
b2c.
Posted by PM80 on May 13, 2005, at 11:59:28
In reply to ask yourself this..., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:27:09
I agree with everyone's sentiments here. So I'm not going to repeat them, but I do urge you to consider the number and intensity of this thread's posts. A lot of people are telling you the same thing and the same thing emphatically.
I'm going to tell you a few of the things I like about you.
You are concerned about being a good person.
You are intelligent.
You take the time to think about things.
You remained true to yourself and pursued a career, even when others didn't want you to.
You have the insight and integrity to consider what is right and wrong - you do not blindly follow a culture's rules.
You are aware that actions have consequences and you face them head-on.These certainly sound like qualities of an outstanding woman, even if she questions herself sometimes. You are more than you think. If you choose to take the risk of leaving your husband, you WILL be able to take care of yourself. You will not be lost in the end. When one door closes, another always opens.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:32:04
In reply to (((pinkeye))), posted by PM80 on May 13, 2005, at 11:59:28
Tahnks to each one of you for taking so much to think and write. I am going to read it carefully and then reply later ok?
I read everything everyone said, but I want to think aobut it before I reply.
Thanks so much. You guys saved my days.
ATleast I am coming to realize now that I am so emotionally tortured and conflicted and afraid of several things. And pretty much I had been in a terrorized state of mind from childhood. I have been in constant psychological stress for so many years.. the past two years were good, but that was because I had my ex T.. I somehow relied on his strength and survived well. Now that support is gone, I think I am back to finding my own way and strength again.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:33:20
In reply to Thanks a lot. I didn't expect so much of response. » PM80, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:32:04
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:33:20
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on May 12, 2005, at 21:10:43
Thanks Voce.
I was very much a tom boy, too fat and ugly, and not elegant at all, and didn't dress at all like a woman - my dad thought it was so cool that I was like that, and he didn't want me to dress well at all..he thought nobody should dress well. And that it is pretty cool. He had several several strange notions.
I am glad your T helped you in that way. My ex T helped a little bit too - but I had such limited time face to face with him. I wish I had lot more time in sessions rather than emails all the time. That might have really really helped me.
But externally by the time I met him I was all woman - used to dress well, lost all my extra weight and I guess became much more feminine than what I was before - so he also didn't suspect I had more issues suppressed inside.
My husband has a different picture of what a woman would be - he still lives about 20 years back atleast, and it is hard to kind of make him understand why I might want to be free, and talk freely and stuff. Though of late he seems to be really changing. Wonder if it will last though.
> Growing up, I didn't feel like it was safe to be a woman. My T and I worked a lot on that, actually. I was a tomboy as a kid and a teen. My dad never really affirmed me as a woman, and made me feel dumb when I dressed too "girly" around him. When I went to college I still never felt comfortable dressing up really pretty. I wore a skirt to a session once with my T and I felt soooo self conscious. It became an issue in the session that we talked about.
>
> My T helped me become more comfortable with my sexuality as a woman. I didn't feel like my sexuality threatened him like I felt it did my dad. He even told me once he thought I was an attractive person. I know he meant the whole package, including my personality, but he must have thought I wasn't bad looking. ;-) I feel much more confident in myself as a woman now. I enjoy getting dressed up more even though I still do love my jeans. :-)
>
> As for the men in my life...my dad never really treated me with respect, even the respect you show a child. He never told me I looked nice. I always felt suspicious of men. Which made for some really interesting sessions with my male T. My fiance treats me with wonderful respect and love and consideration, and I love it! He thinks I look good no matter what I'm wearing, too, and will tell me I look nice.
>
> I guess I consider myself a good *person* more than a good woman. But I like myself as a woman. I'm comfortable with that. But I'm not super girly or anything. It's just not me.
>
>
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:41:46
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on May 12, 2005, at 23:25:22
> Pinkeye, I'm sorry to hear that you don't like yourself right now. I hope that changes. I hope you can see the wonderfulness in youself! Because you ARE an awesome, interesting, smart, fun person. And you deserve a man who sees that in you and treats you with respect.
I am realizing more and more that I never liked myself much. I thought I liked myself, but that was very superficial. I think I never thought of myself as fully capable of being a good woman. I always thought I shouldn't marry a good man - because it would spoil his life. Still I am very emotionally troubled person. I am anxious, tensed, and agitated many times.. and I don't know how to be serene and calm and happy and peaceful. My mind is lot better than my emotions are.. when I operate out of my mind, I am in full control, but when I operate out of my emotional self, I completey mess things us.
>
> I believe you T could be right - after so many years of being treated like a "second class citizen" by your dad -- even though he loved you of a kind, in his own strange way -- you are no longer capable of thinking of yourself like a first class person that you are.
>
> It might be something you need to work on - respecting yourself and demanding it from others, esp. your husband. However, if your husband is steeped in a culture and tradition that believes woman are inferior, there is little chance he will ever change. Either you need to accept him and that life (no!!!) or you need to change yourself, which might mean leaving him.My husband is a good guy - very nice and affectionate for the most part. And I think he is stressed as well, and acts rash sometimes.
But good thing is, he is trying to understand things a lot.. so there is hope.
But somehow I never really think too much about him. I don't feel so connected to him.. or maybe I feel connected to him, but I am not able to kind of rely on him. I always feel I need to do things..even though I do know that he is responsible.
My guess is, my problems with my hsuband right now, has more to do with me (my problems with my dad) than really to do with him.
>
> I know that right NOW you don't feel emotionally ready to do it. But maybe there is a reserve of strength in you. I mean, if you're sad and lonely in a bad relationship, you're kind of alone anyway, right? Wouldn't it be better to be free and able to start over? I don't know if your relationshipw ith your hubby is to that point, or if it's salvagable. But I DO know that you will need to take a stand for yourself and make sure that you get the respect you deserve. There could be any number of reasons why you are the way you are, but you have the choice to change if you want to. At least, that's what I believe!I also believe in that - that I can change now.. that is what I am trying to do. I think maybe the problme is I need someone little older than me as a husband, and whom I can fully trust and depend on. I am not able to visualize my husband like that.. so there is always a little disconcert in the relationship.
>
> In any case, I do like myself most of the time, although there are many things I wish I could improve or change. I love my husband dearly. He loves me, treats me kindly. We laugh and joke and share things together. He is supportive. I love him and feel lucky to have him.
>
> I wish you all the best.
> JenStarThanks Jenstar. For me reading aobut other people's good relationship with men in their life is pretty interesting. Because in my family circle, I don't think any man used to respect their wives. And I always thought that is how things are everywhere. Only when I started working, and started meeting other good men, I realized that men could be good also. It was a turning point in my life.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 15:51:47
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 5:00:20
> I don’t often think of myself as a woman. Sometimes I think of myself as being a bit like a child, and sometimes I think of myself as a person (gender neutral). I only think of myself as a woman when I’m thinking politically.
I think of myself as a child LOT of times. But I always want to be a woman - never gender neutral. That makes me feel very uncomfortable.
And I really liked what you have said below here.. That is true about the fact that being a woman is more defined as "not being a man". I guess lot of my problems came from that.. In my family circle at that time, "Not being a man" was defined as being weak, and thin, and meek, and be able to cook and be affectionate towards everyone and not talk against anyone. In fact lot of my cousins had to stop studying because their parents were afriad they will become too brainy. My father was exceptional in that way. But he could have taught me a more right way of being a person - I think he rebelled against this idea of woman in general, and instead brought me up more like a man in the beginning - not allowing me to dress, not allowing me to learn cooking, always asking me to study, and I guess he wanted to bring me up as a strong and good owman, but ended up confusing me even more.
I am not sure about men needing more sex than woman and about prostitutes and stuff. I think men do need more sex than woman in general.. and I do not agree on prostitution.. So I think I have to differ here. But I do know being a prostitute doesn't make you a bad person - it is just so very hard for me to imagine that a woman can do it as a profession. I cannot have sex with anyone I am not emotionally connected to.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:01:10
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger**, posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 8:26:34
Thanks a lot Sunny.
I really am happy that one person here has the same issues like me.
But my situtation is really not that bad. My husband is very decent and nice and most of the times pretty considerate. HE did get violent several times - maybe about 10 or 15 times, but it never went too bad. I got really frightened, but I don't think he would ever completely loose control and beat me up very much. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I don't know. All I know is so far it hasn't gone out of control.
I don't behave like a doormat all the time.. And maybe I shouldn't have put with stuff that I put up with, but in the end, he is a good guy.
But you are right, I think sometimes, I just give in because I basically think I am not too worthy, whereas I should really stand up to myself. His cult doesn't teach him violent behavior.. actually they do advocate women are subservient to men, but they also say that a good man never mistreats a woman. So I don't know.
I guess I would be happier if my hsuband was more open, and more living in this day and time, and more free, and if he would let me be free completely without putting restrictions. He gets very upset if I have other male friends. And maybe you are right, if I stay with him, I probably wouldnt grow up to fulfill myself.. but I am scared of loneliness and finding someone else who would treat me with respect and like me.. my ex T treated me with respect, but he didn't like me much. And I haven't met anyone who treated me with respect and liked me, and who I liked back. So I don't think I have too many options even if I leave my hsuband.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:02:56
In reply to ask yourself this..., posted by B2chica on May 13, 2005, at 10:27:09
thanks B2Chica. India is probably better for me in terms of social support and stuff. But getting a divorce in India is much harder and having to live after divorce is not accepted very much. There is lot of social stigma attached to divorce, and I wouldn't be comfortable walking around as a divorcee in India.
My husband is a good guy though. Sometimes he loses control, but who doesn't?
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:05:47
In reply to (((pinkeye))), posted by PM80 on May 13, 2005, at 11:59:28
The parts that you have said here are all my operating out of my mind. You probably are not aware of how I am when I operate out of my emotions. I have zero emotional handling capacity. My ex T also said the same thing. I am not good at being happy or peaceful or face consequences.. I am too chicken, and childish, and adamant, and tortured and conflicted, and confused, and scared and afraid and guilty.. These are my emotions.. When I write to you guys here, I write more from my brain, that is why you guys seem to like me. If I write from my emotions, I am sure none of you would like me. I am 1000 times more controlled when I operate out of my mind.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:38:31
In reply to Re: (((pinkeye))) » PM80, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:05:47
I think he also saw the same parts that you guys see - saw me operating intellectually, and thought everything was fine with me.
I think he didn't see the more scared and hurt and agitated and confused person inside. I don't blame him. I didn't let him know about this part that much.
Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » B2chica, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:02:56
> My husband is a good guy though. Sometimes he loses control, but who doesn't?Enough to hit or beat? I don't. My husband doesn't. My son doesn't. My father didn't. My brother doesn't. I'd be very surprised if my therapist did, or any number of other people I know. But those I know for sure.
My mother did. But only with me and my brother. She didn't "lose control" at work and slug her boss. She didn't yank the hair of people at the clubs she belonged to, no matter how mad she got. So did she ever really "lose control" at all? I don't think so. I think she "lost control" very purposefully.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:33:57
In reply to Re: ask yourself this..., posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01
Hmmm.. You guys are making me think.
After all, I am not really too bad to get beaten up.. And it feels really really bad. I haven't told my parents so far, but if I tell them it will be the end of my marriage.
And this has happened nearly 10 - 15 times in the past couple of years. And I know I have been in my best behavior in the last two years.
Or maybe he will be allright if we go back to India. Maybe that is what is making him so mad.
I don't know. I am scared either way - to stay with him, or to leave him. He is a very nice guy basically - that much is for sure.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:38:41
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 20:33:57
And I don't necessarily like him all that much.. There are way too many conflicts.. issues about every thing. And it is really hard for both of us to agree on many things, so we don't talk too much..
But he says he loves me. and that he would never ever want to leave me. I am not so sure myself. I think I like him, and he is very affectionate, and very nice, and pleasant to have around most of the times. But for some reason I never trust him too much. And I don't feel too connected with him. I never felt very attracted or think about him or anything. And I used to think maybe it was my own problems that I am not able to love him. But maybe he has his own problems as well. Otherwise, people wouldn't get into too fanatical cults. But he puts up with me. I used to be very bad in the first year in our marriage.. but after therapy I completely changed that.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 21:17:46
In reply to Re: ask yourself this..., posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 17:47:01
Thanks, Dinah, for somehow reading my mind - yet again. Because I care so very much about Pinkeye, and I am deeply disturbed by what she's written.
But, I am so triggered by this thread I haven't really been able to effectively post yet. I'll try a little bit now.
Pinkeye, I know you'll read this eventually....first, don't apologize for anything I'M feeling. I know you are so sweet and caring you'll worry first about me. I'm fine. In fact, I needed to find out if my own domestic abuse experiences years ago really were all dealt with or not. Now I know, so I can take this issue up with my T. sometime.
Second, I can only say to you that I've lived through this, and spent time in a women's shelter on 3 occasions. Unfortunately.
Just listen very carefully to what all your caring Babble friends are saying here. Just listen and think. I know it's scary and hard, but your life could depend on it.
Please, please be careful dear pinkeye. Accidents can happen when people are out of control and violent. So it really never matters what the intention was, after it's too late...
**The behaviors your husband is engaging in almost ALWAYS escalate. I mean over 90% of the time** :-(
I'll try to post more as soon as I can. I probably just need to calm down the rage a little bit first.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2005, at 21:17:46
Thanks so much 10derHeart. I am sorry if it brings up previous bad memories for you. You don't have to post when you are feeling bad or triggered ok?
My husband is really really a good guy.. I think he is tortured because he is staying in the US. He wants to go to India, and I have been trying to hold him here for a long time. I think it is a huge mistake on my part.
But unfortunately, going back to India triggers too much of emotions myself.. I feel my life and all my efforts so far, is completely meaningless. And I end up completely getting depressed and mad if I think of having to go back to India. Believe, I have honestly tried several several several times to make up my mind.. both with my ex T and my current T, but I always end up getting depressed and crying. And I just cannot think of going back.
And I think the ideal solution is for both of us to split. Besides this india/us issue, we don't think alike too much in many things. But we both still have lot of unconditional positive regards and affection towards each other.. Somehow we have managed to survive everything that has come up so far without any amount of bitterness or anger towards each other. We still have good times together.
And I don't trust my own judgement too much.. especially in relationships. So I tend to think that I am the one who is wrong. My emotional self is totally unhealthy one - I am very complicated, childish, immature, adamant, cannot take defeat, and feel worthless, and hurt etc. And I think, that if I leave him, then more than likely I will never find anyone good. And even if I meet someone good and I like them, they are almost always married already and they don't like me too much (it has happened twice already - once wiht a colleague and my exT). So I don't really think I can trust myself to get out of this marriage and go and find someone else. Plus I am an indian, and that makes things 100 times more difficult for me. Plus this kind of thing is very common in India as far as I know. If all indian women have to leave their husbands, then pretty much none of the marriages would survive. It is changing nowadayds, but still is very prevalent.
And the basic point, is, I don't trust my own judgment too much. especially wrt to liking a man or disliking a man.. I tend to project too much of my own stuff, and not understand the other person.
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:52:02
In reply to Re: Can I ask you all something? **trigger** » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 16:01:10
there are plenty of men whom you haven't met yet...
Also, there are men that you have met, but they haven't met the true you that you keep hidden inside.
So never think that you don't have options, or that you will never find a mate, because you will-if you give yourself permission to be yourself.
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:59:40
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50
just a quick one- don't make excuses for him.
I have very recently gone through a very terrifying violently ended argument with my SO.
I can UNDERSTAND what led him to do what he did- but ultimately, HE is responsible for making sure it never happens again. I have already told him that I WILL NOT continue trying to make this relationship work unless he goes into anger management therapy and gets to the bottom of his own issues. Their issues ARE NOT OURS TO FIGURE OUT OR TO FIX.
They belong to our violent men and they MUST be dealt with or WE HAVE TO LEAVE THEM. There are plenty of shelters that would help you if you need the help. Remember one thing. Wherever you go; there you are. For your husband- if he takes you back to India, he will still be the same man. A change in scenery does not change the man.
Period.
Oh, and one more thing... please tell your parents what is happening.
Posted by Joslynn on May 17, 2005, at 16:08:01
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » 10derHeart, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 21:37:50
If domestic abuse is more tolerated in India as you said, wouldn't it actually be more dangerous to go there? I know it happens here too, but at least here, you have some chance of protection and legal recourse.
By the way, from what I have read, abusers will keep abusing regardless of where they live.
Take care of yourself. Someone around here recently got killed by her husband. She probably thought he was basically a "nice guy" too.
Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:26:02
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » pinkeye, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 8:59:40
Thanks Sunny.
But my husband is really a nice guy. I would say even better than me as a person.
That is what makes me think twice.
Maybe it is just me who is making him angry. I really don't know the right approach. If I tell my T here, she says walk away from the marriage. But I know in India it is lot more tolerated, and people won't divorce people just because they get physically violent.
I wish I could tell my ex T and get his opinion. He might know better. He knew it used to happen before, but I didn't really make a big issue out of it. So I guess he thought it was an one time affair. And my husband is very stressed now, and I am hoping he will change if he gets a chance to live in India. I don't know.
Posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:28:27
In reply to wouldn't India be more dangerous?, posted by Joslynn on May 17, 2005, at 16:08:01
It is more tolerated there. I am sure if I go and complain to someone there, they would say why are you making a huge deal out of it. Especially when the violence hasn't gotten out of hand. I have even heard comments like "It is actually very good for a man to beat his wife and keep her in line - It proves he is a MAN etc.". I am not sure how things are now.
But I will also have my parents there. So worst case, I can go to my parents house. I don't know too much though. Will have to see how things turn up.
Posted by Tamar on May 17, 2005, at 17:31:55
In reply to Re: ask yourself this... » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on May 17, 2005, at 16:26:02
> Thanks Sunny.
>
> But my husband is really a nice guy. I would say even better than me as a person.Well.. except that he is physically violent towards you.
> That is what makes me think twice.
The confusing thing is that nice people can do bad things. He might well be nice, but I have to admit, I think violence towards a partner is unacceptable behavior, no matter how good he may be in other respects.
> Maybe it is just me who is making him angry. I really don't know the right approach. If I tell my T here, she says walk away from the marriage. But I know in India it is lot more tolerated, and people won't divorce people just because they get physically violent.
Is that partly an economic issue? Certainly in circumstances where it's economically harder for a woman to leave a man, violence is usually more tolerated. And no matter how angry you make him, he has no right to hit you.
> I wish I could tell my ex T and get his opinion. He might know better. He knew it used to happen before, but I didn't really make a big issue out of it. So I guess he thought it was an one time affair. And my husband is very stressed now, and I am hoping he will change if he gets a chance to live in India. I don't know.Pinkeye, it usually gets worse instead of better, no matter what the circumstances. Did you know that most domestic violence begins when a woman is pregnant? I know you're not planning children at the moment, but if he's already violent now, what will you be willing to put up with if you do get pregnant?
Sorry to sound so negative, but I hate it when people I care about are being hurt, especially in this way. I just don't see that there's any excuse for violence.
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