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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 2, 2004, at 23:17:42
Hi everyone,My question is probably very silly and elementary, but I'm really having a problem with "doing" therapy. How does one do it? I've been seeing my T for just over a year, and we keep going round and round the same main issue: my inability to verbalize all of my inner "stuff." I give her writings (pages and pages of stuff, and even though I have an easier time putting things into words via paper, I do realize that in itself is probably a defense, and a way of removing my T and the issues from myself). I've given her drawings. But it still needs to come out of my mouth. But I can't do it. I go in there, and most times I clam right up, and she spends the whole session talking (poor thing), and then I leave feeling like a failure and she feels unsettled.
I think what happens is I feel like I need to go to session and let out all the “bad stuff” in order for the session to go well or be productive, so I think I just put too much pressure on myself and by the time I actually get in the room, I’m too scared or overwhelmed and then I sort of shut-down. There's probably other things going on as well (I have issues with talking from childhood....I used to have a horrid stutter, and I was always told to not speak unless spoken to, and I was painfully shy, etc).
So I have no idea how to start, or where to start. Or what if I say something wrong? I feel like this stuff is too dark and deep (although ironically at the same time it feels like it’s right there, clamoring at me, kind of like an itch that is begging to be scratched), and it’s just all *too much* that I literally can’t find the words to express any of it. How do I bring it all up?
Any advice, suggestions, empathy?
Appreciation in advance....
Peace,
-SV
Posted by thewrite1 on September 2, 2004, at 23:49:55
In reply to How do you *do* therapy?, posted by shrinking violet on September 2, 2004, at 23:17:42
I used to do the same thing. I think it probably took me a year and a half before I was actually able to speak to her about things. Hang in there, I think it does get easier with time.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 0:30:37
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » shrinking violet, posted by thewrite1 on September 2, 2004, at 23:49:55
I think thewrite1 is correct, it often does get easier in time. As far as how do you "do" therapy...my T just asks me to talk about whatever I am thinking. In my last session, we talked about how there is something I've never told him and didn't really want to tell him. He never pressured me at all about what it was, and in fact reassured me that I was doing fine because I was telling him my thoughts about why I didn't want to tell him and why I brought it up in the first place. This actually led to some really valuable stuff.
So maybe you can give yourself permission to hang onto all the bad stuff inside for awhile longer, and instead, talk to her about what you are feeling when you find you can't talk. What do you feel in your body? What are you worried about happening if you do? What do you anticipate her reaction might be? Etc. I think this is just as important, if not more important, because this is what's there for you now. And working thru this may help you to feel safe enough to then talk more about what's inside deeper.
Good luck sweetie.
gg
Posted by Dinah on September 3, 2004, at 0:32:02
In reply to How do you *do* therapy?, posted by shrinking violet on September 2, 2004, at 23:17:42
I started out by reading my writing on the hard stuff. He wouldn't let me just give it to him (although he does now). He'd make me read it aloud. It's amazing what a difference it makes. And it got me used to talking about the tough stuff until I was able to do it without a sheet of paper in my hands.
Posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:59:40
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » shrinking violet, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2004, at 0:32:02
When I started therapy, I had to learn a whole new language...the vocabulary of emotions. I was "fine" or "not very well" or "OK". My therapist would just ask more - what does fine mean? What are you feeling right now in your gut? Or in your toes? I learned to describe things better which helped me to tell him some of the hard things. And somethings still don't have words, they are just too awful to put out there.
The other thing that helped me was to talk about my dreams. I could describe dreams pretty well and as we talked about them, other elements would come into the conversation. Especially trust elements.
Something will shift and let you begin to open up. Perhaps you could make this a goal and you could together brain storm what might work for you. I know people who can't talk without keeping their hands busy. Others can't make eye contact.
Keep trying. The rewards will be worth it.
Posted by Poet on September 3, 2004, at 12:25:30
In reply to How do you *do* therapy?, posted by shrinking violet on September 2, 2004, at 23:17:42
Hi Shrinking Violet,
I've been in therapy for two years and still have trouble opening up to her. I am not what my therapist calls a blurter. She's very patient and doesn't push me.
I don't know how your therapist starts each session out, but mine asks how was your week? I used to say okay or some other one word answer. Now, I'm more honest- I'll tell her what I've been feeling emotionally.
For me progress is slow, but if she pushed me to blurt, I'd have ran long ago.
Poet
Posted by shortelise on September 3, 2004, at 12:33:56
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy?, posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:59:40
This is really interesting.
When I started in therapy, I was unaware for the most part that I was feeling at all. Then I became aware that my body was full of sensation, that I have tons of feelings in my body that I can't put a name to.
It's still hard. I looked up a list of "feeling words" on the internet, read through it, and thought about what some of those different words would mean in terms of actual feeling. That helped.
And I told him my dreams. He told me later that when I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling, he could often get insight about it from the dreams I recounted.
I think that when we've spent so much time, so many years protecting ourselves from letting other people see our true feelings, it's really very hard, very very hard to trust enough to reveal them.
Maybe you could talk about how difficult it is for you to feel, or talk about how you feel about inconsequential things. Maybe practice by talking about how you feel about the colour blue, or the way the leaves look on the ground in autumn, or the smell of coffee.
Hope this helps.
Shorte
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 19:47:04
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » shrinking violet, posted by thewrite1 on September 2, 2004, at 23:49:55
>>I used to do the same thing. I think it probably took me a year and a half before I was actually able to speak to her about things. Hang in there, I think it does get easier with time.
Thank you for the encouragement. I guess I feel like I've already been with her for a year so I really want to do this the right way soon. In addition, I'm sort of pressed for time since I can no longer see her once I graduate from grad school, so I feel like I need to make our time together as productive as I can, for both of us. I'll keep trying. Thanks again.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 19:57:34
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » thewrite1, posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 0:30:37
>> As far as how do you "do" therapy...my T just asks me to talk about whatever I am thinking.
Sounds simple, lol, but for me, it isn't. I censor myself a lot. I'm convinced that whatever I say will be stupid or meaningless or trivial, or she'll treat it as such. Besides, once I sit in that chair, half the time my mind goes blank. My reactions, thoughts, etc all come after I leave, but when I'm there, I'm pretty empty (although I admit sometimes I do think things, just don't/can't say them).
>>In my last session, we talked about how there is something I've never told him and didn't really want to tell him. He never pressured me at all about what it was, and in fact reassured me that I was doing fine because I was telling him my thoughts about why I didn't want to tell him and why I brought it up in the first place. This actually led to some really valuable stuff.That's interesting, actually, because I've "told" (via written stuff) my T something similar. She asks me about it, and lately she's tried to guess what it is, which is very unnerving. I told her I'm not ready to talk about it, and probably never will, but...my T is either very curious or just feels like she needs to know everything now. Even when I go in with something writen, or a list of things, she makes me give it to her so that she can read it all at once, rather than letting me go through them one at a time. I'm glad your T was so understanding with you.
> >So maybe you can give yourself permission to hang onto all the bad stuff inside for awhile longer, and instead, talk to her about what you are feeling when you find you can't talk. What do you feel in your body? What are you worried about happening if you do? What do you anticipate her reaction might be? Etc. I think this is just as important, if not more important, because this is what's there for you now. And working thru this may help you to feel safe enough to then talk more about what's inside deeper.Thanks. That's pretty much what we've been talking about for the past year, though. I write to her or email her and give her tons of theories, reasons, insights as to why I cant talk. But even though she seems to at least understand it theoretically, she still expects me to just start spilling stuff out, and when I dont I think it frustrates her. I can write stuff to her(last session she read a page about my childhood, parental stuff, and how I wish she was my mom. She actually teared up and seemed to be fairly touched by it), but writing those things isn't very satisfying as we never really work through them; instead, she kind of expounds a bit on them and I sit there and listen, or manage to eek out a few sentences. But I know I still feel unsettled about it because I'm not actually saying any of it, or expressing it verbally, and working through it emotionaly (which petrifies me beyond belief).
I'm going to try what you suggested though (actually say it rather than write it, lol), and I'm going to try to talk about less intense stuff (school, etc) and then maybe the more deeper thoughts, feelings, etc will come out in time.
Thanks, GG.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 20:00:38
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » shrinking violet, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2004, at 0:32:02
>> I started out by reading my writing on the hard stuff. He wouldn't let me just give it to him (although he does now). He'd make me read it aloud.
Yep, I've done this too. I would give her journal entries and she'd read them in-between sessions, but whenever she tried to bring up stuff in session, I'd shut down. So we tried my reading them aloud, but we never really discussed any of them; I'd read and she'd comment, and then I'd read more, etc. I'm not good at spontaneous conversation or free association at all. Now we're back to my giving her stuff in session and she reads it, but it still doesn't feel like I'm actually working through anything. I'm so unbelievably frustrated with myself right now...
Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate the time.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 20:06:31
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy?, posted by daisym on September 3, 2004, at 0:59:40
> >When I started therapy, I had to learn a whole new language...the vocabulary of emotions.
YES, that's just what it's like. My favorite phrase (and the one which makes my T cringe) is "I don't know." I know most people actually DO know, but just don't want to say. But I really don't know, most of the time. I dont know how to say it, or what I feel, or any of those things.
>> The other thing that helped me was to talk about my dreams. I could describe dreams pretty well and as we talked about them, other elements would come into the conversation. Especially trust elements.
Hm, that's a good idea. I often have very vivid dreams, sort of like mini-movies. I've even had one with my T in it, and I still remember it even though it was a few months ago now. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I'm stuck for something to say (which is pretty much all the time, lol). I think I have next session mapped out in my mind in terms of stuff I think I can mange to talk about, so hopefully I can save the dream thing for another time.>> Something will shift and let you begin to open up. Perhaps you could make this a goal and you could together brain storm what might work for you. I know people who can't talk without keeping their hands busy. Others can't make eye contact.
I can't look at her either, and I fidget constantly (which seems to make her nervous). We've pretty much tried everything. Next session I'm going to bring in some artwork and hope that focusing on something tangible will allow me to explain some of this stuff without having to solely focus on myself.
Thank you for your response.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 20:11:32
In reply to Re: How do you *do* therapy? » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on September 3, 2004, at 12:25:30
>> I don't know how your therapist starts each session out, but mine asks how was your week? I used to say okay or some other one word answer. Now, I'm more honest- I'll tell her what I've been feeling emotionally.
Well, usually she just asks how I am. I usually say "okay" or "fine," even if I'm clearly not. Usually she has some agenda for the session, so she'll launch pretty quickly into whatever she wants to say. Sometimes she'll ask me if I have anything I want to start with, or she'll ask at some point during the session, but not usually.
> >For me progress is slow, but if she pushed me to blurt, I'd have ran long ago.
I'm definitely in the "anti-blurt" camp. My T has been extraordinarily patient with me, although sometimes she is clearly frustrated and vexed as to how to get me to proceed. And I hate being such a hard client for her. I think I'm feeling more pressure now as well since I can't see her once I graduate, so I feel like I really need to "do" this work with her as much as I can before I have to leave her. She's such a great T for me personality wise, and we're very connected and close, and I want to take advantage of that (not literally) now before I lose her, because if I were to trust anyone with some of this stuff, it would be her. She was the first person to EVER see (or make) me cry.
I think maybe I need to try to relax and not pressure myself so much.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 20:16:53
In reply to talking about feelings, posted by shortelise on September 3, 2004, at 12:33:56
>> When I started in therapy, I was unaware for the most part that I was feeling at all. Then I became aware that my body was full of sensation, that I have tons of feelings in my body that I can't put a name to.
I still get this way. I tend to numb out a lot, and even if I'm sitting there crying I have no idea why, or what I feel. It's really hard.
>> I looked up a list of "feeling words" on the internet, read through it, and thought about what some of those different words would mean in terms of actual feeling. That helped.
Wow, that is a really good idea. I think I'll try that. I can imagine her face when I whip out my list. *lol* Thanks for the suggestion.
>> I think that when we've spent so much time, so many years protecting ourselves from letting other people see our true feelings, it's really very hard, very very hard to trust enough to reveal them.
Yes, that's exactly it for me. But I know my T really cares, and she tries so very hard, and if I were going to trust anyone with this stuff it would be her. I just need to find a way to get it out.
>> Maybe you could talk about how difficult it is for you to feel, or talk about how you feel about inconsequential things.She knows I numb-out a lot, and she knows all this stuff is pretty deep down. At the same time, though, as she says that, she still seems to expect me to get over it and let it out. I think I will try talking about less intense things, and the maybe the other stuff will just come up on its own.
Thanks so much.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 3, 2004, at 21:42:05
In reply to Re: talking about feelings » shortelise, posted by shrinking violet on September 3, 2004, at 20:16:53
One of your posts just now made me think of something else. Has your T ever done relaxation with you? It might be helpful to do that at the beginning of the session to help you feel more calm. This can sometimes lead to being more open in session. Also asking you to close your eyes and re-tell an event as if you were watching a movie can help. It's like telling a story but it's not as intense.
Good luck.
gg
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