![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
(I have to admit that I first post this at the Psychosocial Babble page.......then it seemed like I posted at the wrong page....this current page seems more relevant. Dr. Bob, if you need to delete one of these since it's repeated, please do so. Hope it is okay that I did this.)
Hi, it has helped me quite a bit to feel less alone to read some of the posts here regarding therapist-client erotic/romantic transference and countertransference. The posts have also inspired me to put forth some of my own confusion through this posting.......I am feeling slightly confused and overwhelmed.
I have been in therapy with a male therapist for about a year and half; for the first six months I went once a week, and after that, twice a week. My therapist has been professional, kind, friendly and warm. In the beginning, I found it very difficult to retain a sense of connection going once a week, so I suggested increasing the sessions to twice a week to maintain a sense of flow, and it worked. We got a lot of work done since then.
Starting near the end of last year, I started to feel somewhat "attracted" (for the lack of a better word) to my therapist, and after a couple of months, I told him during one session. I found it very difficult to express these feelings since I didn't know what they were exactly--it just felt like a sense of deep kinship, good will and desire to be closer. I felt somewhat alive and frightened. I told him because I have heard from people that sharing such transference can be helpful to further insight and growth (with the therapeutic boundaries maintained and intact, of course.) My therapist stated the boundaries very clearly, right away, and I felt somewhat disappointed that he didn't seem to understand how I felt, in addition to setting the boundaries. The next month or so, I brought it up several times again, stating that instead of a desire to breach boundaries, it was more a wish that he understood how I felt and perhaps even help me to use them as tools to understand myself more in real life. I really wished that he would embrace these feelings within the appropriate realms rather than pushing them away. One session, I think he finally got it, that even though these feelings that I had were hard to verbalize or categorize, they were, in his words, "warm and genuine feelings towards him." I left feeling much more empowered and understood. That was during the beginning part of this year.
However, having taken such a risk in therapy to disclose how I felt, I didn't really pursue the topic further. In a way, I felt really scared to bring up a subject where I might feel rejected or shamed--that being attracted to someone, talking about it and interacting, even just on a feeling level, would lead to misunderstandings or exploitation. Therapy went on for a while, with me discussing early childhood issues further, I did feel a closer connection with my therapist and something reparative was occurring. I didn't want to bring up this topic again, even though I felt something remained unresolved, but I thought I explored it the best I knew how at the moment already.
About a month ago, I started to feel resentful towards my therapist. Without getting into the content too much, I was feeling angry and fearful that, in my therapist eyes, I was merely a clinical subject rather than an actual human being. I expressed these feelings to him and he responded by telling me that he did have strong feelings towards me. He brought up the fact that I did disclose to him, a while ago, how I felt drawn towards him and that I kind of asked him about how he felt. He stated that, having discussed with other therapists, it was a great thing, to him, that we could talk about these feelings and watch them being transcended in the room. I felt greatly empowered and appreciated. I felt like he also did a good job maintaining the boundaries. I was very touched--it felt like he had taken a risk as well to meet me where I was. I also felt an intense sense of loss, that something deep inside me had been witnessed, triggered, and now I was left feeling ignited and lost. Erotic/romantic transference was becoming difficult to tolerate. So, I did what any normal human being would do--I talked about these feeling briefly and then I stopped talking about them all together. We started to talk about my father issues, for the first time, in therapy during the month to come.
Just last session, I went in feeling incredibly depressed. Suicidal images, thoughts and ideas resurfaced so strongly for the first time in five years, and I shared with my therapist these old themes. I felt very overwhelmed with life, even though, currently, things are at their best ever in terms of career, relationships and support network. Perhaps that is the most frightening thing about depression for me, that I would not know why I am depressed but would just know that I am--I can feel it. The frightening part comes in when I need to explain to the outside world why I feel the way I feel.
And, to myself, of course.
I don't know how, and then I lose bits and pieces of myself in isolation and despair.
So, last session, my therapist, after listening to me rambling on for 40 minutes or so, all of sudden asked me, "Do you feel alone?" I started to tear with that question, and he went on to tell me how he could hear that I may have had felt alone no matter who I was with: my partner, him, friends, and I started to cry a bit more. Tears just came from a very sad place inside my heart.
He then went on to tell me that, as much as he could, he was right there with me. With the sound of that, I started to sob deeply and quietly. Somehow I felt very understood, soothed, cared for, loved and incredibly sad. A deep grief rose up in me, and I felt deeply freed and sad at the same time. It was similar to how I felt a month ago when he told me that he had strong feelings for me: seen, understood, and broken.
I don't like feeling out of control, since it frightens me, and right now I do a little. I think about my therapist quite frequently, replay the scenes in my mind every now and then and wonder what this all means. I feel ignited. In real life, I probably will want to pursue a relationship with a person that I feel this way about (or run away, actually.) Either way, I will try to go forward or leave, not staying where I am because it feels like too much to contain. But in therapy, I don't feel like either tactic would work, so here I am, left without defenses. I feel quite lost and vulnerable, yet I cannot deny that I feel happy when feeling someone caring for me deeply. Neurotic thoughts occur: does he really care about me then? What does this mean and what does that mean? What could this mean and what could that mean? It's a downward spiral, and I am rather tired of it. It really feels kind of boring to go on that kind of autopilot....I just do it sometimes, usually when I feel insecure.
What is love? Is it possible for me to "fall in love" with my therapist and for my therapist to "fall in love" with me? A play on words perhaps? Falling in love for us clients, countertransference for them therapists. Human beings are another kind of objects, and the feelings we have form attachments or mistrust. Something is awry.
I hear terms such as "being in love" and "loving someone".......personally, I don't feel like the languaging is precise enough. From speaking with others and thinking on my own, it seems that "being in love" has a connotation of a certain kind of intensity or sexual intimacy while "loving someone" does not. I am not sure. I am trying to sort out my feelings towards my therapist.
And frankly, it's really messy.
So, here I am, writing this incredibly long post.......has anyone out there ever felt the same way or similarly? How much should I or can I share with my therapist these thoughts and feelings? What is going on? Please help? I will really appreciate you reflecting back to me or sharing with me.
Thank you.
Posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 8:19:13
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Welcome.
Transference is so complicated. I am just starting to begin to have a little idea about transference, so I won't give you too much feedback.
You say a couple of times that his boundaries are very good. I think that this is really, really important. Because the boundaries are what will keep you safe. I am a believer in telling your therapist everything. I know it can be scary some (lots?) times, but I figure that if they don't know everything that they can't help you. Sometimes I have needed to write stuff out in advance and have her read it in the session, because I couldn't talk about it - the words wouldn't come out.
Since your relationship with him seems to be pretty solid, and you have experienced positive benefits from being really honest, I would think that you should gather all of your courage and dive into these feelings.
Let us know how it goes!
Posted by Dinah on September 15, 2003, at 8:48:13
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Welcome, and I'm sorry for your pain. If you've read the archives of this board, you've probably seen that it's not uncommon (although that doesn't lessen the pain). You've also probably seen me recommend the book "In Session" so often that people are probably sick of seeing it. But really, it's a great book for helping you sort out those feelings.
You are so right that "love" is such an imprecise term. I love my dogs, my husband, my son, pasta, my therapist, my grandma. And it's all so confusing to sort out love sometimes. "In Session" helped me a lot with that. It made me feel comfortable enough with my feelings for my therapist that I can discuss them fairly easily.
But when you think about it, for two hours a week you have someone listening to your every word, and focussing totally on you. Whether it's a man or woman, as handsome as Harrison Ford or resembling a toad, we humans are primed to feel attachment for anyone who treats us that way. But how we feel the attachment depends a lot on us. My personal style is to mold the attachment into a parent/child attachment. So with my dogs and my son I take on the mummy role. While with my therapist and admittedly to a certain extent with my husband, I take on the little girl/daughter role. I rarely eroticize anything. But for other people the attachment takes on a different form.
They say that working through the transference is healthy. But I can imagine times where it might be enormously painful to continue to want something from your therapist that he/she cannot give. Because I imagine it's the wanting something unobtainable that is the painful part. I've long since worked through that with my therapist.
Let's see. I want my therapist to be my mother. So I imagined actually having him as a mother. Shudder. When you imagine through to the specifics, what you want is often not so desirable. I imagined all the real mother type interactions. Nagging over dirty clothes, setting curfews, arguing, him in a bad mood. Because the real thing wouldn't look anything like the therapy situation. There wouldn't be the artificial boundaries that at once make therapy so frustrating and so healing. Once I had imagined the real consequences of what I wished for, being careful to be as realistic as I could, I realized that what I had was waaaay better and stopped wanting some unnamed something more.
I still get a twinge of wishing I were someone real to him. Someone that he cared about as a person, rather than as a client. Someone as important to him as he is to me. But they are just that, twinges.
I really recommend that book, and also that you talk about your feelings as often as you wish. Talking about them in therapy and here on the board releases some of the energy that builds up when you keep them a deep dark secret.
Good luck.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2003, at 20:50:21
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
> (I have to admit that I first post this at the Psychosocial Babble page.......then it seemed like I posted at the wrong page....this current page seems more relevant. Dr. Bob, if you need to delete one of these since it's repeated, please do so. Hope it is okay that I did this.)
It's fine. Thanks for wanting it to be in the right place. :-)
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2003, at 23:19:49
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
[Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 8:15:16]
> Hullo, :-)
>
> >>So, here I am, writing this incredibly long post.......has anyone out there ever felt the same way or similarly? How much should I or can I share with my therapist these thoughts and feelings? What is going on? I really wish to make use of these feelings instead of feeling overwhelmed with them. Please help? I will really appreciate you reflecting back to me or sharing with me.
>
> <<I had always heard of people falling for their therapists, and like I felt about depression, I didn't *really* understand it until it happened to me.
>
> I've been going to my therapist for a year and a half, and she's a very warm, kind, and compassionate person. She gives me exactly the type of emotional support I want and need. I don't think that's necessarily a reflection of the therapist's skill as much as it is a reflection of personality type. That's why certain people do better with certain therapists than others....
>
> I don't have feelings of love for my therapist, as we're both women and I'm straight. But she is around my age, and for a while, when I truly wasn't getting any support from people in my life, I used to fantasize about us just being friends on the *outside,* hanging out and paling around. Those feelings bothered me, for as far as I know, we can never be friends. I need her support too much as a therapist.
>
> As far as how you should handle your feelings? This is only my opinion, but please take from it what sounds helpful. The only thing or person that matters here is *you* so you must do what's best for you. If you are feeling overwhelmed by these emotions, I think it's a good idea to tell your therapist. Your therapist is supposed to help you with your feelings, that's his job.
>
> In this type of business relationship, just as in any work relationship, I think it's normal for both sides to develop feelings for one another. I think my therapist likes me as a person. Never asked her that, but I think it's true. What *does* matter here is that your therapist keep the boundaries professional.
>
> He most likely is very fond of you, from what you have said. Only he knows where in the spectrum those feelings fall, from fondness to love to physical attraction, etc. He must continue to be professional and help you. If he makes the professional judgement that he cannot help you make sense of your feelings for him, he should refer you to another therapist. Perhaps, I don't know about this, it's possible to continue seeing *your* therapist for the everyday stuff in your life and seeing another therapist to make sense of what you are feeling for this man.
>
> Your feelings for him are genuine and understandable. He probably gives you the emotional support you need in a way that is very helpful and comforting to you, and if you are like me, there are very few people out there skilled enough to do that. So it's a *very* attractive trait.
>
> But, there's the private side to this guy as well. What if he drinks himself silly every night? What if he goes from woman to woman and has no desire for a committed relationship? What if he doesn't shower every day or brush his teeth or do his laundry? There is an ugly side to everyone. My only point is is that you are seeing only one real facet of the guy. It's not enough to really allow you to care about the whole (and therefore real) person. Does that make any sense?
>
> Anyway, let him know you want to sort out these feelings you have for him. I wish you the best.
>
> Susan
>
>
Posted by Adia on September 16, 2003, at 8:26:57
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Hi Emmaley,
I am not sure I can be of much help but wanted to reply to your post all the same...
I've been here for a short time and it's been so helpful..I hope it is helpful for you too...
I too believe that you should try to talk about this with your therapist..there's nothing wrong in how you feel...I know it is scary and really hard to talk about this and take the risk cause it can be painful...
but I think it will help you and also your therapist to know how to better help you...
I find it really hard to talk to my therapist but in writing I have told her about my feelings for her and we have talked about that a lot...I find it hard to admit feelings cause I feel it gives her the power to hurt me..but it has turned out well every time I risked sharing...I actually told her I love you...and she shared that she cared about me as a human being and as a therapist even though she could not love me the way I wanted her to love me, as a mother would love her child maybe...I do believe her feelings are real and mine too..I have asked her if it was real and she has told me that she does love me as a human being and accepts me from her heart, but she has always made clear her boundaries..but just knowing she does care helped me so much..and it helped me to know that I don't have to hide my feelings from her and she knows and it is okay for me to feel the way I do and it is safe. It did help me to stop hiding so much from her.
I hope you can discuss this with your therapist, it seems that you have a close, trusting relationship with him and it feels it would be safe for you to bring this up...Let us know how it goes...
All my support,
Adia.
> (I have to admit that I first post this at the Psychosocial Babble page.......then it seemed like I posted at the wrong page....this current page seems more relevant. Dr. Bob, if you need to delete one of these since it's repeated, please do so. Hope it is okay that I did this.)
>
> Hi, it has helped me quite a bit to feel less alone to read some of the posts here regarding therapist-client erotic/romantic transference and countertransference. The posts have also inspired me to put forth some of my own confusion through this posting.......I am feeling slightly confused and overwhelmed.
>
> I have been in therapy with a male therapist for about a year and half; for the first six months I went once a week, and after that, twice a week. My therapist has been professional, kind, friendly and warm. In the beginning, I found it very difficult to retain a sense of connection going once a week, so I suggested increasing the sessions to twice a week to maintain a sense of flow, and it worked. We got a lot of work done since then.
>
> Starting near the end of last year, I started to feel somewhat "attracted" (for the lack of a better word) to my therapist, and after a couple of months, I told him during one session. I found it very difficult to express these feelings since I didn't know what they were exactly--it just felt like a sense of deep kinship, good will and desire to be closer. I felt somewhat alive and frightened. I told him because I have heard from people that sharing such transference can be helpful to further insight and growth (with the therapeutic boundaries maintained and intact, of course.) My therapist stated the boundaries very clearly, right away, and I felt somewhat disappointed that he didn't seem to understand how I felt, in addition to setting the boundaries. The next month or so, I brought it up several times again, stating that instead of a desire to breach boundaries, it was more a wish that he understood how I felt and perhaps even help me to use them as tools to understand myself more in real life. I really wished that he would embrace these feelings within the appropriate realms rather than pushing them away. One session, I think he finally got it, that even though these feelings that I had were hard to verbalize or categorize, they were, in his words, "warm and genuine feelings towards him." I left feeling much more empowered and understood. That was during the beginning part of this year.
>
> However, having taken such a risk in therapy to disclose how I felt, I didn't really pursue the topic further. In a way, I felt really scared to bring up a subject where I might feel rejected or shamed--that being attracted to someone, talking about it and interacting, even just on a feeling level, would lead to misunderstandings or exploitation. Therapy went on for a while, with me discussing early childhood issues further, I did feel a closer connection with my therapist and something reparative was occurring. I didn't want to bring up this topic again, even though I felt something remained unresolved, but I thought I explored it the best I knew how at the moment already.
>
> About a month ago, I started to feel resentful towards my therapist. Without getting into the content too much, I was feeling angry and fearful that, in my therapist eyes, I was merely a clinical subject rather than an actual human being. I expressed these feelings to him and he responded by telling me that he did have strong feelings towards me. He brought up the fact that I did disclose to him, a while ago, how I felt drawn towards him and that I kind of asked him about how he felt. He stated that, having discussed with other therapists, it was a great thing, to him, that we could talk about these feelings and watch them being transcended in the room. I felt greatly empowered and appreciated. I felt like he also did a good job maintaining the boundaries. I was very touched--it felt like he had taken a risk as well to meet me where I was. I also felt an intense sense of loss, that something deep inside me had been witnessed, triggered, and now I was left feeling ignited and lost. Erotic/romantic transference was becoming difficult to tolerate. So, I did what any normal human being would do--I talked about these feeling briefly and then I stopped talking about them all together. We started to talk about my father issues, for the first time, in therapy during the month to come.
>
> Just last session, I went in feeling incredibly depressed. Suicidal images, thoughts and ideas resurfaced so strongly for the first time in five years, and I shared with my therapist these old themes. I felt very overwhelmed with life, even though, currently, things are at their best ever in terms of career, relationships and support network. Perhaps that is the most frightening thing about depression for me, that I would not know why I am depressed but would just know that I am--I can feel it. The frightening part comes in when I need to explain to the outside world why I feel the way I feel.
>
> And, to myself, of course.
>
> I don't know how, and then I lose bits and pieces of myself in isolation and despair.
>
> So, last session, my therapist, after listening to me rambling on for 40 minutes or so, all of sudden asked me, "Do you feel alone?" I started to tear with that question, and he went on to tell me how he could hear that I may have had felt alone no matter who I was with: my partner, him, friends, and I started to cry a bit more. Tears just came from a very sad place inside my heart.
>
> He then went on to tell me that, as much as he could, he was right there with me. With the sound of that, I started to sob deeply and quietly. Somehow I felt very understood, soothed, cared for, loved and incredibly sad. A deep grief rose up in me, and I felt deeply freed and sad at the same time. It was similar to how I felt a month ago when he told me that he had strong feelings for me: seen, understood, and broken.
>
> I don't like feeling out of control, since it frightens me, and right now I do a little. I think about my therapist quite frequently, replay the scenes in my mind every now and then and wonder what this all means. I feel ignited. In real life, I probably will want to pursue a relationship with a person that I feel this way about (or run away, actually.) Either way, I will try to go forward or leave, not staying where I am because it feels like too much to contain. But in therapy, I don't feel like either tactic would work, so here I am, left without defenses. I feel quite lost and vulnerable, yet I cannot deny that I feel happy when feeling someone caring for me deeply. Neurotic thoughts occur: does he really care about me then? What does this mean and what does that mean? What could this mean and what could that mean? It's a downward spiral, and I am rather tired of it. It really feels kind of boring to go on that kind of autopilot....I just do it sometimes, usually when I feel insecure.
>
> What is love? Is it possible for me to "fall in love" with my therapist and for my therapist to "fall in love" with me? A play on words perhaps? Falling in love for us clients, countertransference for them therapists. Human beings are another kind of objects, and the feelings we have form attachments or mistrust. Something is awry.
>
> I hear terms such as "being in love" and "loving someone".......personally, I don't feel like the languaging is precise enough. From speaking with others and thinking on my own, it seems that "being in love" has a connotation of a certain kind of intensity or sexual intimacy while "loving someone" does not. I am not sure. I am trying to sort out my feelings towards my therapist.
>
> And frankly, it's really messy.
>
> So, here I am, writing this incredibly long post.......has anyone out there ever felt the same way or similarly? How much should I or can I share with my therapist these thoughts and feelings? What is going on? Please help? I will really appreciate you reflecting back to me or sharing with me.
>
> Thank you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by HannahW on September 16, 2003, at 10:45:30
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
I think most of us have felt the way you do. Some of us still feel that way. I'm in the middle of sorting my feelings out, myself. Just a few weeks ago, I felt ashamed and pathetic for having feelings about someone who has made the boundaries very clear. Since finding this board, and doing some other reading (I'm currently reading In Session), I've found that it is such a normal response to the therapy process. It really has taken away the shame for me. If my therapist doesn't "get" transference (and I'm not sure yet if she does) then it is she who is uneducated and should feel bad.
It sorta sounds like your therapist didn't quite "get it" in the beginning, but that after talking to his colleagues, he woke up to the value of transference in a therapeutic relationship. Your relationship with your therapist is somewhat symbolic of your outside relationships. If you experience uncomfortable emotions with him, you can work through them together and then be able to use those same skills on the "outside."
It sounds like you're doing the right things. Don't give up.
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 11:49:20
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Fallsfall, Dinah, Adia and Hannah, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I find your feedback very helpful. It feels good to feel less alone. I am going to go hunt for "In Session" today. It does feel very shameful on some level to feel drawn to someone that I am "not supposed to", what a catch 22.
I am going to my session today, and honestly, I don't know what I am going to say. I do want to address the issues further, but, after posting and reading your feedback, I have come to realize that I am really incredibly afraid. I am really afraid that he would attack me or shut me down, hush me up since I don't know how well he could tolerate my emotions. It is times like these that I wish I had a female therapist. Although, for whatever its worth, I do feel like I am dealing with some important stuff here that pertain to my life outside of therapy. I have always found it hard to trust people, especially males, and often experience myself as powerless or "too much trouble" when I get near them. Even though I am in an intimate relationship with a man right now, I could feel that a part of my heart remains very cold and it has nothing to do with my current partner.
Oh I am rambling on.
I don't think I will talk about these feelings today......but, this is what I hate about therapy: I still have to talk for the hour. It's going to be hard. Usually times like these, I just go in, and I think both my therapist and I know something is up. (He has more than one time said, okay, Emmaley, just lay it out.)
It just feels really, really, really scary to talk about something that I don't really know and am not really sure what it is with someone who probably doesn't know, either. What if I were misunderstood, devalued, rejected, shamed, or put down? I know it is not the end of the world and that I will survive (much worse has happened.) But, the anticipation of pain just feels really, really, really lousy.
Sometimes that is why I find it hard to go on. I am sensitive......aha, newsflash.
Thank you all so much. I am so glad that I found this place to talk about this.
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 12:00:18
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Susan, I am sorry; I failed to include your name......sorry, sorry.
And thank you.
Thanks to Dr. Bob, too. :)
Posted by HannahW on September 16, 2003, at 12:35:28
In reply to Re: Help......for a newcomer, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 11:49:20
What if you talked to him about his thoughts on transference in general? Does he think it's normal? Does he think it's helpful? Does it scare him? Has it ever happened with another patient? Then you could test the waters a little more before jumping in.
Or, what if you just told him you were having feelings for him which scared you, made you feel powerless, etc. Maybe he would let you talk about it without naming the feeling.
You have, however, already broken the ice with him on this subject, and he didn't reject you. This board is archived every couple of months,I think. If you go back into the last archive, you'll find lots about transference that will probably make you feel so much better about it. At least make you feel normal.
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 13:01:56
In reply to Re: Help......for a newcomer, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 11:49:20
I know how hard it is to talk when you are afraid. I would write it down and bring it in. If I could read it outloud I would, otherwise I would just hand it to her. Then at least the topic was out there.
But you're still not sure that you *want* to talk about it. " I have always found it hard to trust people, especially males, and often experience myself as powerless or "too much trouble" when I get near them." Emmaley, this is probably the safest man you will ever encounter. I liked Hannah's idea of talking about transference in general.
What you have said about this therapist leads me to believe that he is experienced and careful. Has he ever tried to shut you down or attack you in the past? If he hasn't then maybe those feelings go with a situation in your past, and you expect this situation to play out the same way. When I encounter that I can tell that my feelings are old feelings because they are much stronger than usual feelings.
You can also talk to him about being afraid to talk. Being afraid to talk may actually be more important than the transference stuff.
I'm cheering you on!
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 16, 2003, at 19:24:42
In reply to Re: Help......for a newcomer, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 12:00:18
Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 20:43:23
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
So I went to my session today, and before that I went to the bookstore to pick up In Session; that will be my read for tonight.
The session went....I don't know how it went yet. I did leave feeling more uplifted and less shamed. I didn't go straight into all this transference, but started off by telling him about my weekend. I have noticed that I couldn't really look him in the eye; I probably blushed every time I did.
It was very helpful to do what Hannah suggested: ask him about how he felt about transference in general. (I finally did that during the last ten minutes of the session.) His answer was very promising: that he thought that's where most growth comes from, when the client is capable of putting it on the table and process it with the therapist. He was curious as to why I was asking him all this, and I told him that I did feel afraid of disclosing more and I thought this way I could test the water first before I dive in. He was very respectful and didn't probe further. And of course I ended up describing a little bit about this transference that I am experiencing--which was hard--since I really don't know how to put words to some of the feelings; it's all muddy. He helped me a great deal by asking permission to ask me questions around it. That calmed my nerves a bit, and then he asked some good questions. It felt like he broke some of the taboo around it when he asked if I felt like I loved him/hated him, wanted more of him/less of him....etc. For some reason I was able to laugh more and felt at ease after he asked me those questions. I didn't really answer his questions just yet, but asked him more about his actual experiences with client transference. We were talking about the possibility of clients getting hurt in therapy. I confessed my fears of being hurt, and he answered by saying that he recognizes the great responsibility a therapist holds and that is why he wishes to do his best and work in partnership with me. I left smiling. Today was a good beginning to start doing more work; I felt.
Thank you so much for listening. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate having this forum to interact with all of you....thank you for your insight and kindness. :)
Posted by fallsfall on September 16, 2003, at 21:06:54
In reply to Update, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 20:43:23
You did a great job. That took a lot of courage. I'm so glad that it went well for you and that your therapist could make the whole topic more comfortable for you.
You should be proud of yourself
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2003, at 21:45:32
In reply to Update, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 20:43:23
Wow! That's just the sort of thing I love to hear. You got the courage to tackle a subject, and the professional rose to the occasion! Congratulations. Both for your courage and for having what sounds like a great therapist!
It sounds like that in his capable hands you should be able to turn this into a profitable experience. :)
Posted by HannahW on September 17, 2003, at 10:24:43
In reply to Update, posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 20:43:23
That's super! You sounded a little ambivalent about how it went, but I think it sounds like it went great. You laid the groundwork to feel more comfortable talking more openly about it next time. I'm in pretty much the same spot you are right now with my therapist. Last time I told her a little bit about my feelings, but we didn't get into it deeply. I wish she had probed further about it, like yours did. It sounds like you have a great therapist!
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