Posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
(I have to admit that I first post this at the Psychosocial Babble page.......then it seemed like I posted at the wrong page....this current page seems more relevant. Dr. Bob, if you need to delete one of these since it's repeated, please do so. Hope it is okay that I did this.)
Hi, it has helped me quite a bit to feel less alone to read some of the posts here regarding therapist-client erotic/romantic transference and countertransference. The posts have also inspired me to put forth some of my own confusion through this posting.......I am feeling slightly confused and overwhelmed.
I have been in therapy with a male therapist for about a year and half; for the first six months I went once a week, and after that, twice a week. My therapist has been professional, kind, friendly and warm. In the beginning, I found it very difficult to retain a sense of connection going once a week, so I suggested increasing the sessions to twice a week to maintain a sense of flow, and it worked. We got a lot of work done since then.
Starting near the end of last year, I started to feel somewhat "attracted" (for the lack of a better word) to my therapist, and after a couple of months, I told him during one session. I found it very difficult to express these feelings since I didn't know what they were exactly--it just felt like a sense of deep kinship, good will and desire to be closer. I felt somewhat alive and frightened. I told him because I have heard from people that sharing such transference can be helpful to further insight and growth (with the therapeutic boundaries maintained and intact, of course.) My therapist stated the boundaries very clearly, right away, and I felt somewhat disappointed that he didn't seem to understand how I felt, in addition to setting the boundaries. The next month or so, I brought it up several times again, stating that instead of a desire to breach boundaries, it was more a wish that he understood how I felt and perhaps even help me to use them as tools to understand myself more in real life. I really wished that he would embrace these feelings within the appropriate realms rather than pushing them away. One session, I think he finally got it, that even though these feelings that I had were hard to verbalize or categorize, they were, in his words, "warm and genuine feelings towards him." I left feeling much more empowered and understood. That was during the beginning part of this year.
However, having taken such a risk in therapy to disclose how I felt, I didn't really pursue the topic further. In a way, I felt really scared to bring up a subject where I might feel rejected or shamed--that being attracted to someone, talking about it and interacting, even just on a feeling level, would lead to misunderstandings or exploitation. Therapy went on for a while, with me discussing early childhood issues further, I did feel a closer connection with my therapist and something reparative was occurring. I didn't want to bring up this topic again, even though I felt something remained unresolved, but I thought I explored it the best I knew how at the moment already.
About a month ago, I started to feel resentful towards my therapist. Without getting into the content too much, I was feeling angry and fearful that, in my therapist eyes, I was merely a clinical subject rather than an actual human being. I expressed these feelings to him and he responded by telling me that he did have strong feelings towards me. He brought up the fact that I did disclose to him, a while ago, how I felt drawn towards him and that I kind of asked him about how he felt. He stated that, having discussed with other therapists, it was a great thing, to him, that we could talk about these feelings and watch them being transcended in the room. I felt greatly empowered and appreciated. I felt like he also did a good job maintaining the boundaries. I was very touched--it felt like he had taken a risk as well to meet me where I was. I also felt an intense sense of loss, that something deep inside me had been witnessed, triggered, and now I was left feeling ignited and lost. Erotic/romantic transference was becoming difficult to tolerate. So, I did what any normal human being would do--I talked about these feeling briefly and then I stopped talking about them all together. We started to talk about my father issues, for the first time, in therapy during the month to come.
Just last session, I went in feeling incredibly depressed. Suicidal images, thoughts and ideas resurfaced so strongly for the first time in five years, and I shared with my therapist these old themes. I felt very overwhelmed with life, even though, currently, things are at their best ever in terms of career, relationships and support network. Perhaps that is the most frightening thing about depression for me, that I would not know why I am depressed but would just know that I am--I can feel it. The frightening part comes in when I need to explain to the outside world why I feel the way I feel.
And, to myself, of course.
I don't know how, and then I lose bits and pieces of myself in isolation and despair.
So, last session, my therapist, after listening to me rambling on for 40 minutes or so, all of sudden asked me, "Do you feel alone?" I started to tear with that question, and he went on to tell me how he could hear that I may have had felt alone no matter who I was with: my partner, him, friends, and I started to cry a bit more. Tears just came from a very sad place inside my heart.
He then went on to tell me that, as much as he could, he was right there with me. With the sound of that, I started to sob deeply and quietly. Somehow I felt very understood, soothed, cared for, loved and incredibly sad. A deep grief rose up in me, and I felt deeply freed and sad at the same time. It was similar to how I felt a month ago when he told me that he had strong feelings for me: seen, understood, and broken.
I don't like feeling out of control, since it frightens me, and right now I do a little. I think about my therapist quite frequently, replay the scenes in my mind every now and then and wonder what this all means. I feel ignited. In real life, I probably will want to pursue a relationship with a person that I feel this way about (or run away, actually.) Either way, I will try to go forward or leave, not staying where I am because it feels like too much to contain. But in therapy, I don't feel like either tactic would work, so here I am, left without defenses. I feel quite lost and vulnerable, yet I cannot deny that I feel happy when feeling someone caring for me deeply. Neurotic thoughts occur: does he really care about me then? What does this mean and what does that mean? What could this mean and what could that mean? It's a downward spiral, and I am rather tired of it. It really feels kind of boring to go on that kind of autopilot....I just do it sometimes, usually when I feel insecure.
What is love? Is it possible for me to "fall in love" with my therapist and for my therapist to "fall in love" with me? A play on words perhaps? Falling in love for us clients, countertransference for them therapists. Human beings are another kind of objects, and the feelings we have form attachments or mistrust. Something is awry.
I hear terms such as "being in love" and "loving someone".......personally, I don't feel like the languaging is precise enough. From speaking with others and thinking on my own, it seems that "being in love" has a connotation of a certain kind of intensity or sexual intimacy while "loving someone" does not. I am not sure. I am trying to sort out my feelings towards my therapist.
And frankly, it's really messy.
So, here I am, writing this incredibly long post.......has anyone out there ever felt the same way or similarly? How much should I or can I share with my therapist these thoughts and feelings? What is going on? Please help? I will really appreciate you reflecting back to me or sharing with me.
Thank you.
poster:Emmaley
thread:260159
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260159.html