Posted by Dr. Bob on September 15, 2003, at 23:19:49
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
[Posted by Susan J on September 15, 2003, at 8:15:16]
> Hullo, :-)
>
> >>So, here I am, writing this incredibly long post.......has anyone out there ever felt the same way or similarly? How much should I or can I share with my therapist these thoughts and feelings? What is going on? I really wish to make use of these feelings instead of feeling overwhelmed with them. Please help? I will really appreciate you reflecting back to me or sharing with me.
>
> <<I had always heard of people falling for their therapists, and like I felt about depression, I didn't *really* understand it until it happened to me.
>
> I've been going to my therapist for a year and a half, and she's a very warm, kind, and compassionate person. She gives me exactly the type of emotional support I want and need. I don't think that's necessarily a reflection of the therapist's skill as much as it is a reflection of personality type. That's why certain people do better with certain therapists than others....
>
> I don't have feelings of love for my therapist, as we're both women and I'm straight. But she is around my age, and for a while, when I truly wasn't getting any support from people in my life, I used to fantasize about us just being friends on the *outside,* hanging out and paling around. Those feelings bothered me, for as far as I know, we can never be friends. I need her support too much as a therapist.
>
> As far as how you should handle your feelings? This is only my opinion, but please take from it what sounds helpful. The only thing or person that matters here is *you* so you must do what's best for you. If you are feeling overwhelmed by these emotions, I think it's a good idea to tell your therapist. Your therapist is supposed to help you with your feelings, that's his job.
>
> In this type of business relationship, just as in any work relationship, I think it's normal for both sides to develop feelings for one another. I think my therapist likes me as a person. Never asked her that, but I think it's true. What *does* matter here is that your therapist keep the boundaries professional.
>
> He most likely is very fond of you, from what you have said. Only he knows where in the spectrum those feelings fall, from fondness to love to physical attraction, etc. He must continue to be professional and help you. If he makes the professional judgement that he cannot help you make sense of your feelings for him, he should refer you to another therapist. Perhaps, I don't know about this, it's possible to continue seeing *your* therapist for the everyday stuff in your life and seeing another therapist to make sense of what you are feeling for this man.
>
> Your feelings for him are genuine and understandable. He probably gives you the emotional support you need in a way that is very helpful and comforting to you, and if you are like me, there are very few people out there skilled enough to do that. So it's a *very* attractive trait.
>
> But, there's the private side to this guy as well. What if he drinks himself silly every night? What if he goes from woman to woman and has no desire for a committed relationship? What if he doesn't shower every day or brush his teeth or do his laundry? There is an ugly side to everyone. My only point is is that you are seeing only one real facet of the guy. It's not enough to really allow you to care about the whole (and therefore real) person. Does that make any sense?
>
> Anyway, let him know you want to sort out these feelings you have for him. I wish you the best.
>
> Susan
>
>
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:260159
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260506.html