Posted by emmaley on September 16, 2003, at 11:49:20
In reply to Help......for a newcomer, posted by Emmaley on September 15, 2003, at 5:59:09
Fallsfall, Dinah, Adia and Hannah, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I find your feedback very helpful. It feels good to feel less alone. I am going to go hunt for "In Session" today. It does feel very shameful on some level to feel drawn to someone that I am "not supposed to", what a catch 22.
I am going to my session today, and honestly, I don't know what I am going to say. I do want to address the issues further, but, after posting and reading your feedback, I have come to realize that I am really incredibly afraid. I am really afraid that he would attack me or shut me down, hush me up since I don't know how well he could tolerate my emotions. It is times like these that I wish I had a female therapist. Although, for whatever its worth, I do feel like I am dealing with some important stuff here that pertain to my life outside of therapy. I have always found it hard to trust people, especially males, and often experience myself as powerless or "too much trouble" when I get near them. Even though I am in an intimate relationship with a man right now, I could feel that a part of my heart remains very cold and it has nothing to do with my current partner.
Oh I am rambling on.
I don't think I will talk about these feelings today......but, this is what I hate about therapy: I still have to talk for the hour. It's going to be hard. Usually times like these, I just go in, and I think both my therapist and I know something is up. (He has more than one time said, okay, Emmaley, just lay it out.)
It just feels really, really, really scary to talk about something that I don't really know and am not really sure what it is with someone who probably doesn't know, either. What if I were misunderstood, devalued, rejected, shamed, or put down? I know it is not the end of the world and that I will survive (much worse has happened.) But, the anticipation of pain just feels really, really, really lousy.
Sometimes that is why I find it hard to go on. I am sensitive......aha, newsflash.
Thank you all so much. I am so glad that I found this place to talk about this.
poster:emmaley
thread:260159
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/260628.html