![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
Why is today painful and hard? It is a holiday and I should have more to distract me. Instead I'm sort of moving through the day, locked in my own head as I clean the bathrooms and make brownies. (NO, not at the same time!). I just keep thinking that in two years I haven't learned the major thing I went into therapy to learn. I wanted to learn how to relax and take better care of myself and to really reach out and receive support from other people. I'm still so far from knowing how to do that.I find myself in what is probably the most stressful time of my life and I've completely reverted back to old habits -- working a million hours a week, telling everyone I'm fine, loading up on coffee, and staying up all night. I used to prowl around at night because it was "safe" -- no one wants anything from you at 2am. I'm having conversations in my head with my therapist about the past week and they go from really nasty sarcastic comments, "Well, I hope YOU had fun while I suffered" to more angry thoughts about how stupid it is to let someone become so important that it hurts more than it helps. And then I come back around to reality based thinking which is that he couldn't help with any of this even if he was here. I think I'm struggling between wanting him to be proud of me for how well I "got through" the time he was away, which means not telling him about this hurt, and wanting him to soothe the hurting child inside.
After two years, shouldn't I know how to soothe myself better? I've lost hope that I can ever have these comforts in my real life. I have them here, online, and with my IM/email friends and I have them paid for in therapy. I guess I lack the courage to reveal how much I need another person to just hold me and let me cry. It is just too da*n dangerous! And besides, I'm not supposed to want to cry over things, crying doesn't solve problems and only makes people lose faith in you. My husband can't handle it for sure, he looks at me like I've turned into some kind of alien creature. What happened to his strong, competent wife who takes care of him? It is a fair question.
So I can't see how to go back to working on anything in therapy. I already know that my therapist is taking another week off in early September. Not that I'll have a choice, but going through another two weeks like the last two weeks seems impossible. He asked me before he left to stay just a tiny bit open, to remember that we have a strong connection and to please not isolate completely. Yesterday I put his picture completely away and I deleted his voice mail telling me he is coming back. I'm trying to close myself off to the pain and focus on the work at hand. I'm guess I'm not isolating completely since I'm posting. I thought I'd be doing better here at the end of this stretch, not this much worse. I hate this. And I hate myself that I'm so underwater with it, drowning quietly, the fight completely gone out of me. I am just so pathetic.
Posted by caraher on July 4, 2005, at 16:13:35
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
>
> Why is today painful and hard? It is a holiday and I should have more to distract me.Holidays are often extra hard. I'm actually in my office now because at home I couldn't figure out a way to enjoy the day "off."
>And besides, I'm not supposed to want to cry over things, crying doesn't solve problems and only makes people lose faith in you. My husband can't handle it for sure, he looks at me like I've turned into some kind of alien creature. What happened to his strong, competent wife who takes care of him? It is a fair question.
It's not as though you *chose* to want to cry. This question - did he tell you he thinks this? Maybe his look reflects a feeling of helplessness on his part. Maybe he just doesn't know how to react. You may just be assuming that he's thinking critical thoughts when he isn't.
> I hate this. And I hate myself that I'm so underwater with it, drowning quietly, the fight completely gone out of me. I am just so pathetic.
(((daisy))) Don't hate yourself. You're not pathetic at all, you're just having a hard time.
Posted by Tamar on July 4, 2005, at 16:27:17
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
((((Daisy))))
> Why is today painful and hard? It is a holiday and I should have more to distract me. Instead I'm sort of moving through the day, locked in my own head as I clean the bathrooms and make brownies. (NO, not at the same time!).
LOL! Yeah, cleaning bathrooms while making brownies would cause a lot of trouble… I think there’s something about holidays that intensifies feelings. I’m not sure why, but maybe it’s the extra stress of having to clean bathrooms and make brownies and suchlike.
> I just keep thinking that in two years I haven't learned the major thing I went into therapy to learn. I wanted to learn how to relax and take better care of myself and to really reach out and receive support from other people. I'm still so far from knowing how to do that.
Are you being a bit hard on yourself? I’m guessing that some time after you started therapy you realised there was more work to be done than your initial goals suggested. And that takes time.
> I find myself in what is probably the most stressful time of my life and I've completely reverted back to old habits -- working a million hours a week, telling everyone I'm fine, loading up on coffee, and staying up all night. I used to prowl around at night because it was "safe" -- no one wants anything from you at 2am. I'm having conversations in my head with my therapist about the past week and they go from really nasty sarcastic comments, "Well, I hope YOU had fun while I suffered" to more angry thoughts about how stupid it is to let someone become so important that it hurts more than it helps. And then I come back around to reality based thinking which is that he couldn't help with any of this even if he was here. I think I'm struggling between wanting him to be proud of me for how well I "got through" the time he was away, which means not telling him about this hurt, and wanting him to soothe the hurting child inside.
Can it be both? Can you imagine that despite the intense pain you are actually doing pretty well? Even though you’re reverting to old habits, you’re surviving. You’re hanging in there. I know I’m proud of my kids when they’re brave despite the pain, and I’m proud of my students when they take on challenging assignments despite all sorts of sh*t in their personal lives. Maybe your therapist can be proud of you and also soothe you?
> After two years, shouldn't I know how to soothe myself better? I've lost hope that I can ever have these comforts in my real life. I have them here, online, and with my IM/email friends and I have them paid for in therapy. I guess I lack the courage to reveal how much I need another person to just hold me and let me cry. It is just too da*n dangerous! And besides, I'm not supposed to want to cry over things, crying doesn't solve problems and only makes people lose faith in you. My husband can't handle it for sure, he looks at me like I've turned into some kind of alien creature. What happened to his strong, competent wife who takes care of him? It is a fair question.I think my husband feels much the same about the change in me since I became diabetic. I used to be very independent and now I just want to cling to him. He finds that annoying. What happened to his strong, capable wife, who never needed more than six hours’ sleep and who never whined about feeling tired unwell, or complained about needing him or wanting him around? But diabetes isn’t something I chose, and I can’t make it go away. I guess it’s the same with mental illness. It’s easy to feel guilty about it, and I find it very hard to accept that I’m no longer superhuman.
> So I can't see how to go back to working on anything in therapy. I already know that my therapist is taking another week off in early September. Not that I'll have a choice, but going through another two weeks like the last two weeks seems impossible. He asked me before he left to stay just a tiny bit open, to remember that we have a strong connection and to please not isolate completely. Yesterday I put his picture completely away and I deleted his voice mail telling me he is coming back. I'm trying to close myself off to the pain and focus on the work at hand. I'm guess I'm not isolating completely since I'm posting. I thought I'd be doing better here at the end of this stretch, not this much worse. I hate this. And I hate myself that I'm so underwater with it, drowning quietly, the fight completely gone out of me. I am just so pathetic.So if you’re not isolating completely, I guess you are staying just a tiny bit open, like he asked. Now that’s something I’m sure he’ll be proud of you for doing.
Did you put away his picture and delete his voicemail because you were angry with him, or because you wanted to try to forget about him for a few days?
I don’t think you’re pathetic at all. I think you’re handling a difficult situation with all the resources you can muster. No one could expect more of you than that.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 16:43:13
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
Daisy, I think there's reason for clients to be angry when their therapists go on vacation. Not that their therapists don't deserve a vacation, or that we don't want the best for them.
But some of them, both our therapists included, do encourage us to rely on them, to call them when we need to, to schedule extra appointments if we need them. And that's wonderful! I'm glad they do!
But then they go off and leave us for a week or two weeks or whatever, and expect us to just shut off that reliance. Ok, that's a bit unfair. They know it will be difficult for us. They understand the dilemma we're in. But they still act in such a way that the result is the same.
I always get really angry that my therapist has asked me to do things that make me more vulnerable and less strong than the coping mechanisms I've used in the past, then goes off and leaves me naked and vulnerable.
And won't even provide me with a fill in therapist. Scowl.
I think it all depends on our basic trust that in the end this will make us stronger. That we're leaning on them more in the short (Hah! Nothing short about it!) term, but that eventually we'll be able to lean on them less and less, while relying less on the coping mechanisms of the past.
Sometimes I wonder at the truth of that. But... Well, his absences aren't as painful to me as they used to be. And I'm way more aware of which coping mechanisms I'm using. And overall, I think I'm better adjusted now than I was when I started therapy. I think slowly it's actually working.
I think back to what I was before, and know that I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go back to the days when the only two emotions I could name in myself were "ok" and "upset". It was half a life. I didn't know how to have a real relationship with anyone. It hurt less, but it was also lacking in so many ways.
Yet one of the things I do when he goes away is shut him out a bit. It takes a few sessions to let him back in. I guess some ways of coping are hard to overcome. How do people whose spouses go away frequently maintain the same level of intimacy?
Posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 17:24:38
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by caraher on July 4, 2005, at 16:13:35
This isn't a husband bash, but yes, he did tell me in a number of ways that he is frustrated with my moping around, he doesn't like the weight gain (over the past 5 years) and when we talked about suicide, he said he needs me here because he can't take care of things, including himself, especially when he is really sick. It's OK, I've completely set up my life so that people let me take care of everything, because I've always done it so well and so efficiently. It is completely unfair to turn around and now say, "OK, my turn. Sorry, but I can't do that for you anymore."
Thanks for saying I'm not pathetic. I wish you weren't working today.
Posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 17:41:25
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » daisym, posted by Tamar on July 4, 2005, at 16:27:17
It is humbling to discover that our superhuman powers were time limited, isn't it? I'm sorry about the diabetes. You've probably read that both my husband and my son have it. I know it to be a nasty disease that is quiet for awhile and then it just gets you in some way. I call it the "complicator" because it isn't the diabetes in and of itself as much as how hard it makes everything else. But I think if I had some physical disease my husband would actually understand better. He wants me to force myself to feel differently. NO, that's not accurate. He wants me not to feel...he wants me to let stuff roll off and be super rational about it all. "F**K 'em, don't let them get to you," is what he tells me.
I put my therapist's picture away and deleted the voice mail because they were too painful, both because I miss him and because I hate that I needed to use them to try to make myself feel better. There is anger here but it is at myself for being such a mess about something so common.
The person who expects more resilency from me is me. I *used* to be the rock for everyone else. What on earth is happening to me!? Why can't I talk myself into that space of practical acceptance that "everything happens for a reason"? I feel abandoned by God as much as I try to cling to my faith that he promised not to give me more than I can bear. Of course I also feel like I've turned my back on him. I've skipped Church for weeks because I find myself sobbing during Mass. So I almost feel like I deserve what I get, because I'm not holding up my end of the bargain.
Guilt is a complicated thing, isn't it?
Posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 18:36:49
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » daisym, posted by Dinah on July 4, 2005, at 16:43:13
I think you've explained a lot of what I'm feeling. I think I'm really just very unhappy with myself for allowing myself to feel so rotten about this. I want my logical mind to kick in and say: it is only 14 days, you have lots of things to keep you busy and you will just begin working again when he gets back. Being this aware of my lack of resilency is crushing for my ego.I have to get perspective on therapy and where it fits into my life again. I can not continue to walk around thinking I'd die if therapy ended suddenly or if he didn't come back from his vacation. Because I know it isn't true.
I guess I'm just mad at myself today. And feeling like a lost little girl. I actually had the urge this morning to call my dad and tell him how hard things are at work. I already know that he would tell me I'm doing all the right things and I know that he can't change anything that is happening. But it makes me wonder where this urge came from. I'm usually so careful not to reveal anything negative to him. I guess it is another indication of how confused I am right now.
Posted by cricket2 on July 4, 2005, at 19:12:22
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
{{{{{{{{{{Daisy}}}}}}}}
I do a fair amount of prowling at 2 am too. I live on the 23rd floor of an apartment building and I go out on the balcony and look over the city and wonder if my pain will lessen anyone else's out there. Tonight I will think about you too Daisy.
Posted by Jazzed on July 5, 2005, at 10:43:26
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
>
> Why is today painful and hard? It is a holiday and I should have more to distract me. Instead I'm sort of moving through the day, locked in my own head as I clean the bathrooms and make brownies. (NO, not at the same time!). I just keep thinking that in two years I haven't learned the major thing I went into therapy to learn. I wanted to learn how to relax and take better care of myself and to really reach out and receive support from other people. I'm still so far from knowing how to do that.There's so much wisdom in all the posts to you that I can't add anything to this except to say that this sounds like the perfect way to start back up with your therapist.
It sounds like you're overwhelmed, but I'm amazed at your ability to work, clean, cook, and post, along with I'm sure a lot of other things. I know that to you the constant work is a negative though. I guess the coffee and staying up all night sound to me like the most detrimental of the old coping skills.
>
>
>
> After two years, shouldn't I know how to soothe myself better? I've lost hope that I can ever have these comforts in my real life. I guess I lack the courage to reveal how much I need another person to just hold me and let me cry. It is just too da*n dangerous! And besides, I'm not supposed to want to cry over things, crying doesn't solve problems and only makes people lose faith in you.Can you bring yourself to talk about this with your T, esp. since it feels so hard to reveal how much you want and need to be held? Crying does help and is healing! Esp. tears of emotion.
This wasn't from the site I was looking for, but it says some of the same stuff:
Digital Archive of
PSYCHOHISTORY
Articles & Texts
[Books texts] [Journal Articles] [Charts] [Prenatal]
[Trauma Model]TEARS
Why do people cry? Recent evidence suggests that the tears produced by emotional crying may be a way that the body disposes of toxic substances. It may seem strange to think of crying as beneficial, yet many people say that "a good cry" makes them feel better.The belief that crying has positive effects is of ancient origin;. More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle theorized that crying at a drama "cleanses the mind" of suppressed emotions by a process called catharsis: the reduction of distress by releasing the emotions. Many people attend movies and plays that they know beforehand are, shall we say, "elicitors of psychogenic lacrimation," or tearjerkers. Such people may cry freely in movies and may delight in the experience.
There have been a few studies on the health effects of crying. Borquist in 1906 obtained reports of the effects of crying, including the observation of 54 or 57 respondents that crying had positive results. Herbert Weiner found from reports that Asthma Attacks – long thought to be largely psychosomatic – may cease as a result of crying.
While the research on the benefits of crying is intriguing but hardly decisive, other strands of evidence are becoming available. Tears produced by emotional crying differ in chemical content from those caused by irritants such as onion juice. Emotional tears contain more protein than tears induced by irritants. William Frey contends that emotional crying is an eliminative process in which tears actually remove toxic substances form the body.
Crying may "cleanse the mind" in a much more literal sense than even the catharsis theorists imagine. Other researchers are now examining the contents of emotional tears for substances such as endorphins, ACTH, prolactin and growth hormone, all of which are released by stress. While the research on psychoactive substances in tears is just beginning, there is reason to think that emotional tears may be important in the maintenance of physical health and emotional balance.
Crying is not grief; it is a way of getting over your grief. Trembling isn't the same as fear. Rather it is part of a letting go of fear. In the same manner, embarrassed laughter, yawning, and even rapid, excited talking are parts of the healing process that get mistaken for symptoms of the problem.
Jante Yassen, a Boston area social worker who leads groups for incest survivor, talks of the necessity of at least "1500 hours of crying" to get over the hurts of incest.
When we experience a loss or trauma, it creates energy within us that needs to be discharged. Unresolved grief festers like a deep wound when this energy is not discharged, this then builds up a state of chronic distress = Chronic Trauma Disorder {DSM, IV - proposed - PTSD}
>
> And I hate myself that I'm so underwater with it, drowning quietly, the fight completely gone out of me. I am just so pathetic.I hope once your T is back you'll be able to get back your connection quickly and not feel abandoned. It seems like you're so hard on yourself. I just hope you can really open up and that your T comes back ready to help you with all the feelings you've been struggling with while he's been gone.
I'm glad you were able to call and talk to your dad, even though you weren't able to get what you really needed. Sometimes a loving voice helps just a bit.
Jazzy
Posted by Poet on July 5, 2005, at 22:50:13
In reply to 3 days and counting...(a little long), posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 15:50:10
Hi Daisy,
Now it's only two days and counting. Take a deep breath, slowly breath out.
Wanting someone to hold you and just let you cry does not make you less of a competent strong woman. It makes you a human being. A caring, nurturing one who needs to remember it's okay to want be cared about and nurtured, too.
((((((((Daisy)))))))))))
Poet
Posted by daisym on July 5, 2005, at 23:10:28
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » daisym, posted by Poet on July 5, 2005, at 22:50:13
Thanks Poet.
My therapist is back and he called twice today, asking me please, please to not avoid him. I did and I still didn't go in. But at 6pm I caved and left a message saying this was impossibly hard, knowing he was back and yet knowing I couldn't see him. I asked if we could touch base in the morning. Now the morning seems a million miles away.
I hate being human
Posted by 10derHeart on July 5, 2005, at 23:41:42
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » Poet, posted by daisym on July 5, 2005, at 23:10:28
>But at 6pm I caved and left a message saying this was impossibly hard, knowing he was back and yet knowing I couldn't see him. I asked if we could touch base in the morning.
That's a good thing, Daisy. I DO understand all you've posted about not opening things back up until the time is more right with all the intense stress in your life, and in this case, I'd support that. But....I think you at least need to hear his voice (live)...just as an anchor and a calming force. I know there is a chance it'll trigger you to get a bit upset, but I hear in your *voice* you want to soak up some of what he has for you right now, even on the phone, so perhaps it's worth the risk...?
> I hate being human
Oh, but Daisy (and I know you'll want to disagree on certian levels..) you are so very GOOD at being human! Hate it all you want, but you are a wonderful human! You inspire so many here to keep on going. You get me to put my own stuff in perspective and I am just so proud to know you, ever if it's only in the cyber-way of *knowing*!
I don't think you'd rather be inhuman.
Or subhuman.
Or unfeeling.
Or in 100% control of your emotions.
It's just a powerful fantasy when we are so exhausted from it all.
And you have more to be worn down from and scared of than the average bear.... (((Daisy)))You are doing great.
Talk to him tomorrow. Try not to change your mind...not that you said that, but just in case the thoughts start....'cause you know he'll keep calling.
He cares SO much.
Let him back in just maybe...5%, until you're more ready?
Sounds like you're intending to and that's good.
I bet it'll be a very comforting 5%.
A warm hug....10der>
>
Posted by daisym on July 6, 2005, at 0:31:28
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » daisym, posted by 10derHeart on July 5, 2005, at 23:41:42
I'm hurting so, so much. But why? He came back. So what is this ENORMOUS pain in my chest that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think? I feel like I'm holding a million gallons of tears and if I let even one drip out, we'll need several sessions to get the faucet off.
See, I knew this is what would happen. I want him to make "it" all better and he can't. But I still want him to. I feel so much like a 4-year-old that gets picked up from daycare late and falls apart the minute she sees her mom.
Help me, you guys, this is the home stretch but I don't think I can get through. This night is impossibly long -- which should be a good thing because I'm so overwhelmed with fear about tomorrow. I have to face a room full of angry people. But if tomorrow doesn't come, I don't get to talk to my therapist. I don't even know what I'm hoping for anymore. Somehow "I'm totally suicidal" doesn't seem the appropriate welcome back sentence.
I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. Except sit on my hands. I keep repeating, "these are just feelings. Feelings change." I've been here before. But it is still a painful place.
Posted by Jazzed on July 6, 2005, at 3:53:19
In reply to The home stretch (small trigger), posted by daisym on July 6, 2005, at 0:31:28
> I'm hurting so, so much. But why? He came back. So what is this ENORMOUS pain in my chest that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think? I feel like I'm holding a million gallons of tears and if I let even one drip out, we'll need several sessions to get the faucet off.
Oh daisy i'm so sorry, I wish you had that appt. I know you don't want it and you don't want to cry but you need to cry and you need that appt. your T is right, please don't avoid him! What time's the meeting, could you possibly see him b4 the meeting?
>
> See, I knew this is what would happen. I want him to make "it" all better and he can't. But I still want him to. I feel so much like a 4-year-old that gets picked up from daycare late and falls apart the minute she sees her mom.
>
> Help me, you guys, this is the home stretch but I don't think I can get through. This night is impossibly long -- which should be a good thing because I'm so overwhelmed with fear about tomorrow. I have to face a room full of angry people. But if tomorrow doesn't come, I don't get to talk to my therapist. I don't even know what I'm hoping for anymore. Somehow "I'm totally suicidal" doesn't seem the appropriate welcome back sentence.Please don't hurt yourself. you need to see your T and tell him everything that you've been feeling. He can help you work through this, but he has to know what's going on. You made it through his vacation. I know it was hard but you made it, and he's back now. Go see him!
>
> I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. Except sit on my hands. I keep repeating, "these are just feelings. Feelings change." I've been here before. But it is still a painful place.Feeelings can be so painful, I know, and you can get to the morning, and hopefully you'll call and be able to see him.
((((hugs)))))))))))
Jazzy
Posted by annierose on July 6, 2005, at 6:55:30
In reply to The home stretch (small trigger), posted by daisym on July 6, 2005, at 0:31:28
Hi Daisy -
Sorry you are feeling so much pain. I know that feeling when your heart physically aches for something/someone. When I have those horrific days at work, when I'm overwhelmed before I have even started, and cannot bear to walk through that door, I literally set 15 - 30 minute interval goals.
I'll talk to myself throughout, "just get to the parking structure" ... "now reply to phone messages" ... "fire 'x' employee (that's always the toughest)" ... my heart beats so loud throughout the day. And moving through space feels so heavy.
Time isn't static, that's the good news. Somehow or other, you'll get through it. I am so happy that your therapist is back in town and being so supportive. You have to let him back into your soul. He wants to help you, let him. It's okay to feel like a 4 year old. Our moms always came back to pick us up and tell us we're okay ... even though on the inside we're reeling "how could you leave me here, like this?" Your therapist so much wants to be there for you. He'll know just what to say to soothe you.
Good Luck and I'll be sending good vibes across the coast.
Annierose
Posted by fallsfall on July 6, 2005, at 8:40:38
In reply to The home stretch (small trigger), posted by daisym on July 6, 2005, at 0:31:28
> I'm hurting so, so much. But why? He came back.
*** He DID come back!!!
So what is this ENORMOUS pain in my chest that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think? I feel like I'm holding a million gallons of tears and if I let even one drip out, we'll need several sessions to get the faucet off.
*** Those are all of the tears you wanted to cry while he was away. You were saving them up.
>
> See, I knew this is what would happen. I want him to make "it" all better and he can't. But I still want him to.*** He can't make it *ALL* better. But he *CAN* make it *BETTER*.
I feel so much like a 4-year-old that gets picked up from daycare late and falls apart the minute she sees her mom.
*** Exactly. And this is a very human way to be. You held it together while he was gone. It was so hard to do, but you did it. And every ounce of "holding it together strength" that you have has been used up. Now you need to borrow some of his.
>
> Help me, you guys, this is the home stretch but I don't think I can get through. This night is impossibly long -- which should be a good thing because I'm so overwhelmed with fear about tomorrow. I have to face a room full of angry people.*** Wednesday will be very hard. Very, very hard. You are completely justified in being scared about that room full of angry people. But you know that you have to move through that meeting. And you know that you didn't *intend* to do anything wrong. And you are sorry that things didn't go right. And you are trying to fix things the best you can. Don't beat yourself up too much about this. Your heart has always been in the right place. I'll be right next to you with my p*m-p*ms - reminding you that people love you.
But if tomorrow doesn't come, I don't get to talk to my therapist.
*** And you *DO* want to talk to him. Don't you see that this, in itself, is major progress? You have found comfort in this world. You have allowed yourself to need somebody. People need other people. This is natural.
*** By the way, I support your decision to not see him before your meeting. You need to be held together for this meeting, and it will probably take a little time to get yourself pulled back together after you see him. I like the idea of a phone call - just to let him know that you have made it, and that you have this meeting to get through, and that after that you do want to see him. And he can let you know that he's truly back, and he's on your side, and he'll be there waiting for you, glad to see you.
I don't even know what I'm hoping for anymore. Somehow "I'm totally suicidal" doesn't seem the appropriate welcome back sentence.
*** If that is the truth, then I think it is entirely appropriate. And I don't think that it will surprise him in the least.
>
> I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with myself tonight. Except sit on my hands. I keep repeating, "these are just feelings. Feelings change." I've been here before. But it is still a painful place.*** (((((...Daisy)))))... We are with you, keeping you comfortable in that painful place. You aren't alone.
Best wishes for your meeting. And, if it can be scheduled, can you go to see him straight after your meeting??
Love,
Falls.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 6, 2005, at 10:22:20
In reply to Re: The home stretch (small trigger) » daisym, posted by fallsfall on July 6, 2005, at 8:40:38
Just breathe.
gg
Posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 19:12:51
In reply to The home stretch (small trigger), posted by daisym on July 6, 2005, at 0:31:28
Posted by Daisym on July 6, 2005, at 20:07:47
In reply to How are you? (((((((((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))))) (nm) » daisym, posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 19:12:51
Thanks for the hugs you guys. The meeting starts in a hour. At least my best friend is coming. She said I can hold her hand. Unfortunately, I can't. I have to talk in front of the group.
I didn't really get to connect with my therapist either this morning. He didn't have time, except for 15 minutes around lunchtime. Which didn't work for me. I was completely heart broken, I felt crushed, like he shrugged his shoulders and said, "oh well, tomorrow then." But I know this is the key issue to talk about tomorrow. I HAVE to get over this attachment. I can't imagine surviving another separation in two months, feeling like I feel right now.
I should have worn my red shoes.
Posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 22:07:49
In reply to Feeling 6, very scared., posted by Daisym on July 6, 2005, at 20:07:47
Hi Daisy,
I hope everything went okay at the meeting. You will get through this. Wear your red power shoes tomorrow.
Poet
Posted by happyflower on July 6, 2005, at 22:19:10
In reply to Re: Feeling 6, very scared. » Daisym, posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 22:07:49
Posted by fallsfall on July 6, 2005, at 22:31:19
In reply to Re: Feeling 6, very scared. » Daisym, posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 22:07:49
Daisy, Daisy, She's the Best!
She's the best of all the rest!
She works so hard to help the kids
So, Daisy's company, love her -
Like her Babble friends do (Hmmm... "did" rhymes, but we still do...)Now you can tell why I was in the Band instead of the cheerleaders... can the thought count?
(((((...Daisy)))))...
Call me...
Posted by Daisym on July 7, 2005, at 0:21:27
In reply to Re: Feeling 6, very scared. » Daisym, posted by Poet on July 6, 2005, at 22:07:49
It is late and I'm still sitting in my office. The meeting went as well as could be expected. One of my friends, who is a manager here, stayed for a long time...I guess she was worried about me. I really just wanted everyone to go home so I could cry really hard. What happens when you cry "uncle" but no one listens? I've had enough.
Thank you for all the support today, yesterday and the past week. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.
Babblers really are the best.
((((Babblers)))) - group hug!
Posted by All Done on July 7, 2005, at 0:37:50
In reply to Done!, posted by Daisym on July 7, 2005, at 0:21:27
(((Daisy))),
I'm glad everything went okay. I hope you can rest a little easier tonight knowing this is over, but that requires going home! Hopefully you're not too far from your pillow.
Sweet dreams, Daisy, and I hope tomorrow goes well. I'll be thinking of you.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by fallsfall on July 7, 2005, at 7:29:24
In reply to Done!, posted by Daisym on July 7, 2005, at 0:21:27
Phew! (((((Daisy)))))
(((((((((((Daisy))))))))))Breathe.....
((((((((((Daisy))))))))))
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