Posted by daisym on July 4, 2005, at 17:41:25
In reply to Re: 3 days and counting...(a little long) » daisym, posted by Tamar on July 4, 2005, at 16:27:17
It is humbling to discover that our superhuman powers were time limited, isn't it? I'm sorry about the diabetes. You've probably read that both my husband and my son have it. I know it to be a nasty disease that is quiet for awhile and then it just gets you in some way. I call it the "complicator" because it isn't the diabetes in and of itself as much as how hard it makes everything else. But I think if I had some physical disease my husband would actually understand better. He wants me to force myself to feel differently. NO, that's not accurate. He wants me not to feel...he wants me to let stuff roll off and be super rational about it all. "F**K 'em, don't let them get to you," is what he tells me.
I put my therapist's picture away and deleted the voice mail because they were too painful, both because I miss him and because I hate that I needed to use them to try to make myself feel better. There is anger here but it is at myself for being such a mess about something so common.
The person who expects more resilency from me is me. I *used* to be the rock for everyone else. What on earth is happening to me!? Why can't I talk myself into that space of practical acceptance that "everything happens for a reason"? I feel abandoned by God as much as I try to cling to my faith that he promised not to give me more than I can bear. Of course I also feel like I've turned my back on him. I've skipped Church for weeks because I find myself sobbing during Mass. So I almost feel like I deserve what I get, because I'm not holding up my end of the bargain.
Guilt is a complicated thing, isn't it?
poster:daisym
thread:523383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/523423.html